Day 8

I always feel better when i know I'm going to write something down and I don't know why. I look around at people and there lives are going on and yet I know that behind one of those doors I passed today someone is probably feeling a little like me.

Me and my computer are having a good relationship I sit in front of it for hours really expecting a pop up from Mikey or to read a post he has put on. I miss that.

We sat at home waiting to visit as we usually do so what did we do instead, go and buy a car. Was that a decision we will regret later. No probably not. We had been thinking of it for some time and we had even made Mikey laugh because i got into a muddle with the name of the car. Oh well now there is a surprise!

I still cant get the vision of Mikey sitting in that hospital bed just before they wheeled him out of the room to go to theatre and he said ' i love you' and 'Claires coming with me down to theatre.' We said OK see you later and watched him be wheeled away. The next time we saw him he was being wheeled along the corridor in a hurry surrounded by loads of people in scrubs and he was on a respirator. My heart bleeds and I'm crying again. I am so desperate to remember the good times and i cant.

Tim's in bed asleep and I'm just waiting, waiting to hear that everything has been a bad dream and I'm going to wake up except I'm not am i.

4 weeks ago today i was cutting his hair before he went back to Papworth it seems a life time ago and yet just minutes. I wonder how everyone else is coping but if not directly involved probably sad for a few minutes then back to normal.

We had more cards come yesterday and today we have been so grateful to think that others are thinking of us. No body knows what to say to us, that's hardly surprising I still want to avoid everyone and yet so desperately want to talk about Mikey. 

Tims been so good but i don't think he knows how to make me feel better and i cant tell him because i don't know what to do with time. Time we shouldn't wish it away but.........

Ive walked and jogged a little for 3 miles today. 2 miles in 28 minutes and then i slowed down and did another mile. I think i need to start doing a little longer each week otherwise i will never be ready for 2012. That's my focus and I'm so glad i made the decision to do it. I just hope i get a place. If i have to get charity place with CF i have to raise at least £2000 in sponsorship.

I suppose i better try to get to bed and sleep.

Tomorrows another day...............