I missed yesterday so writing both today. Im sitting here tonight and feeling as though there are two worlds mine and the real one.
Who wants to be in mine?
Its a dark place where there is no tomorrow, just now. I lack purpose and i dont want to be here. There is nowhere for me to go. I want to curl up and just sleep.
Tims in bed, today we have hardly spoken. Nothing to say and i can only think this will be how things are going to be for the rest of our lives. Is that what i want?
I have spent 24hrs off this place in a world of colour, of family, of communication. I have been embraced in warmth of others and now returned to this barren place devoid of love, thats not say to Tim doesnt love me but its a worldy love thats missing. Our children are missing, we have no family and no friends that visit to make our house a home anymore. Its a sterile place. Its clean and tidy, nothing out of place.
Tim is a perfectionist i suppose, and likes order i enjoy a bit of chaos. Does it matter if clothes are not put away immediately, does it matter if a cups not washed up? but i expect because tim is home all the time thats what he does.
Tim made a comment today that made me question myself and it was such a small thing but has had a profound effect on me today. Possibly something i would just have ignored before but today i cant.
When the children were small and Tim worked i did the housework, cooked, cared for the boys, helped in school, worked as well and studied did an open uni course and ran the home. No problem. I was multi tasking. Today Tim commented that he did all the housework etc and that i was incapable of doing anything other that work. When i said i used to do it and there was no problem he became quiet and i said, but you said that's what you would do if you didn't go to work anymore. I also said that i could do it still if need be. Tim then went to bed.
I didn't say anything out of order but just a fact so should i live without saying whats on my mind.
Obviously yes, it appears that i always say the wrong thing. But if i say nothing I'm living a lie and i don't want to do that. I am not me but another person moulded into what others want.
Has losing Mikey made such a difference to us. We haven't spent time in the house. Every day we have tried to do something and suddenly we have nothing to say.
Tim has seen no one and has had no conversation. Nothing to add to the day. I think he enjoys there just being the two of us, we go everywhere together but i have no space. I have no time for me.
Either i work and come home and then we go for a walk or something. That's how its always been. I don't think that's enough for me now. I would rather be alone than alone in company.
Tim said that we could have done something this afternoon when i came home from York, instead we have just remained at home. When i asked him what he wanted to do he said he didn't want to do anything specific but i could have said lets go out.
I'm tired, just tired of life and of trying to think of places to go and things to do. Why cant Tim say to me right we are going to ........ today. How wonderful that would be. After all he has the time.
I can honestly say i don't think we will be sharing a home in our old age if something doesn't give.
I dread tomorrow!
Maybe we are both depressed? possible i expect.
I wish i had not had this time off work really, but saying that would i have been any better at work. I don't know.
At the moment it would appear that i am brain dead.
I look in the mirror and what do i see
A face, a woman, but it isn't me.
I want Mikey back, i miss him in my world, its just so unfair.
They say life is one big tapestry. If our lives could be described as that, then ours will never be finished because the thread that was holding it all together has broken.
I hope when i wake tomorrow the sun is shining in this world, or at least a glimmer of daylight.
I do wonder what will become of us.
I phoned Tom today and he is still unhappy and talking about leaving his job and doing something else. Perhaps he should. Tom seems so naive about the world and the employment situation. Sadly it will not be until he no longer has his job that he will realise what he has. Still that's what life is about, making your way and learning from mistakes. Saying that if you don't take any risks in life nothing would ever change.
Maybe that's what Tim and i should do take some risks! But perhaps not i have no energy to redirect our lives.
This blog tonight hasn't helped and my heart is heavy. I feel as though i have been swept up in a Tsunami.
No story either.
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