day 23

Sun shining when i got up today. That seemed to be good omen. Well it was until Tim asked me to check some bits in the shed to see what needed to be thrown away. In a box was some bits and bobs, cricket bat and wickets, hand exercisers and Mikeys Miami Dolphin American football. That did it i just started crying and have been doing so off and on all day.

We went to Kings Lynn because i fitted those dresses on that i bought and they were too long so i took them back and got a pair of trousers instead. Plain black for work. Couldnt think of anything else i wanted.
Had a Mc Donalds. Thats becoming a regular thing as well just because we cant be bothered to cook.

Jen my sister phoned whilst we were out and asked if i would go to York with her next Friday and stay over the night. Jen had been invited to an anniversary party and as Dud ley didnt want to go would i go with her as she didnt want to go alone. Tim thought it would be good for me and said i should go. So i told Jen yes. Not sure if its the right thing to dod but its time to do the unusual for me.

Jen booked the hotel there and then so i guess thats it. Tim said he will take me to Jens so we can go from there. Oh well whats done is done now. 

The day has gone so slowly. I saw Claire on line and tried to message her both on facebook and messenger but no reply! oh well cant say im not trying. I expect i need to phone her.

We went for  drive tonight and shot off on the M11 and do you know i never really gave it a thought where Mikey drove from and to. It was quite a trip to us. How boring are we.

I opened a fortune cookie today and it read No one can walk backwards into the future and thats very true, is that what i am doing. I do wonder.

For a blog my pages seem very boring. I have read several others and they seem so chatty and alive. Mine reads like a self help to depression journal. Maybe i will re visit the pages later and see what a sad person i am. Thats for then and this is now.

I went into the bedroom and Mikeys picture is on my unit and it looks as though he is looking straight at you and his eyes seem so alive. I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if there is a better place and whats he doing. Not wasting time worrying about us i should hope.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw an old woman looking back. Thats what i am though coming up to 60yrs. How can i have forgotten. Now i feel every year of my age. 2 months ago i still felt 20 inside. 
I really should pull myself together but why, for what reason. I feel as though im a mouse on a wheel and just cant get off. Thats my head the rest of me is like a slothe.
Maybe i am coming to terms with my mortality.
Tim is keeping himself busy its a good job someone is else nothing would get doen. I dont care out housework washing hoovering. Nothing at all. Am i just feeling sorry for myself or is this normal. I just dont know. Its a terrible place to be. But if i feel like this how the hell must Mikey have been feeling. Go d Sue get a grip.