day 5

Today is a week since Michaels funeral. I suppose i should talk about that day, it fills me with anquish how things turned out. How can i put in words my sense of absolute desolation and dispare i was feeling. How i just wanted to be alone and wanted that day to go away.
When people came to the house and i couldnt speak to them, how could i respond to Tims sister Jen when her and Ash had been so utterly unaware of our feelings. How could she say that its hard for everyone not just us, how can an Aunt and Uncle who had never had children comprehend our absolute sense of loss.

Perhaps i should start at the beginning maybe that will help, i really dont know. I sit here now with Tim in bed and im shaking my fingers barely hitting the keys and i cant stop them. When will this feeling go away?  Well feeling sorry for myself wont make it better will it? Ive got a cup of tea, chewing gum and desperate for a ciggarrette but i wont succunb Mikey would be pleased i think.  Right where was i , i keep deveating from my thread of thought.

Ah the beginning of the troubles i think. Tuesday 17th August. The funeral director was coming at 2 pm and we were expecting Claire to come and discuss the arrangements, we thought her mum or dad would come with her for support. Its a big thing to deal with at her age.
In the morning i had to register Mikeys death. Can you imagine how that made us feel. The answer unless you have had a child die then no you cannot possibly imagine. The registrar was very kind but we left with pieces of paper discribing the cause of our sons death. Seeing it in writing and reading that made it so so very sad. The pain we felt was undescribable but we knew we had yet another task in the afternoon.
Planning and arranging Mikeys funeral to us would be something private and personal and very difficult.

Mark Turner the funeral director arrived and we waited, Claire did not arrive at 2pm and i text her she said they would be a few more minutes. Claire, her mum, her Dad and Claires friend Mitch arrived. They went into the lounge where Tim and i began to feel like guests at the arrangements.
Claire had a list of things that Mikey wanted, which was wonderful. Tim and i both said we would agree to anything, we had Mikey home and Claire had agreed that the service would be in March and for that we were eternally grateful.
Mark asked if there were any requests regarding Mikeys ashes. Claire said she knew what he wanted, Tim said what was it but Claire remained quiet, Tim said that i would like some of his ashes to take to eastwood to inter so she could have somewhere to go and have part of him near. Claires dad said Mikey had said he didnt want his ashes seperated. I did say to him thats not what he said last week. Mikey had spoken about what would happen to his ashes when he died said Claire would have them to make diamond from them. When i said to him that i wanted some he said ok you can have a pinch and laughed. Thats all i wanted just a pinch of my son. Not to much to ask i thought. Claire was very good when Mark suggested half each. Claire agreed and for that i was very very grateful.
 How sad was that to have to make those sort of desisions. Mark then asked who was to sign the paperwork, the person who did would be responsible for the cost. It was me and that was fine.
Mark was not able to confirm a date at that time and asked if we had any preferences, Claire said not the 2nd of September and her dad said not the Friday as he was going on holiday, Mark would ring us to confirm date and a name of humanist practitioner for the service.
As Mark was leaving Jen and Ash arrived and i was very surprised and asked if they had forgotten what was happening today. They said no and that Claire  had phoned and asked them to come round because she wanted to see them. Did no one consider our feelings? Ash said we wouldnt have come if they had known that we hadnt been aware, but they stayed anyway. I put the kettle on! Whilst i was doing that i saw Claires mum talking outside to Mark but didnt think anything of that.
Jen and Ash were chatting and laughing with everyone in the lounge, Tim and i again felt like outsiders. We often felt that Claire would have prefered Jen and Ash as her in laws and i think Jen and Ash would have liked that role anyway. Tim and i have never really been the demonstrative types other than with our own. Jen and Ash hug everyone they were at ease with Claires parents and we felt uncomfortable. Hey Ho.

Mark rang back with a date, the following Wednesday which was ok with every one, and then asked if all was well as Claires mum was not happy that i had signed the papers and she felt that Claire had been pressured into making decisions and could things be changed if they wanted. Well i was very surprised and asked Mark if he felt we had put any pressure on anyone, how could we we agreed to everything Claire asked for including extra time at the crem. I was totally bemused. Claire appeared absoluetly fine. The only thing i could think about that it was the ashes, but surely not?

Well everyone left except Jen and Ash, we sat in the room and i said i dont want to offend but i feel like a guest in my own home, with that Ash swore at me F this and F that and stormed out. Well i was amazed as was Tim. Jen said well you wont offend me. I said i didnt mean anything i was just making a statement about how i feel its not personal. Jen went home to. From that day they didnt visit or contact us at all. Was it in our place to phone people, i think not.  Should i appologise, no most definately not what for? God i just couldnt be bothered i had more important things on my mind.Could they not see that we and particularly i was upset!

What is it about death that either brings out the best and worst in people.

I had text from Claire asking if the people who we had said would be in the car i repied as far as i was aware it was the same. How strange, but when i told Tim he said he expected Claire and Jen and Ash had been in touch and they had possibly said something to her about that day! Oh well.

Tuesday 24th arrived we still had heard nothing from Tims sister or his brother we didnt know if he was coming to the funeral or not. Tim was really upset that the two relatives he had had not contacted him at all, he must have felt very alone. Tom came home and that brightened our day we had someone else to care for and someone for tim to talk to.
Tom went to see Jen and Ash as both boys did when they came home.
Tom came back quite upset and told us that they would not be coming in the car and that Ash would never forgive me for saying what i did. That they felt just as we did and thought of the boys as theirs and that they shared them with me and Tim. Well i just cried and cried, how insensitive. Tim was furious and so upset. We both said this is not what Mikey would have wanted at all. Tom could see how upset i was and when we told him what had happened he said he would go back and talk to them, by then i couldnt care less but did say ok i can manage for one day to make sure that Mikeys day would go as he would have wished.

Tom went to see Jen and Ash and Jen phoned to say was it ok if they came round in the morning. I said that was fine.
Tom came back and said he wished he had not gone but in another he was glad he did. He couldnt beleave what they were saying about how they thought of the boys etc and how they felt about me and was asking them to chose between them and us as his parents. Tom said that Ash could not see that he had said anything and would not admit to how he was. Tom told them he wanted them with us and it was for him that they should make an effort not for us and said that we didnt know that he had gone to see them, again wishing he hadnt gone and they were living in a fantasy world and that Jen was trying to take my identity. How very odd. I told Tom that whatever happened between us should not affect his relationship with them and he was not to take sides when he said its onbious that no one talks about his mum like that and if Mikey could ,he would say exactly the same.

Claire came with her dad and didnt really speak but Jen and Ash were talking well with them. they didnt talk to Tim. I gave Claire Mikeys ring and that was the last i really spoke to Claire that day.

Mikey came home and we all got in the car. Jen in the back with Claire and Dave and Ash in the front, Tim Tom and i in the middle, following our son to his funeral.

When we got to the Crem we were placed by Mark, Claire to the front with us to follow. Didnt work like that but it didnt matter. Jen and Ash were to sit with us at the front, no they sat on the other side with Claires family. I think then decisions had been made. Jen and Ash never spoke to us at all. These were the people we were closest to in the whole world apart from the boys. Isnt that so very sad.

After the service and we went to get in the car Jen and Ash had gone with her brother. Almost incomprehensible.

We havent spoken to them since and we dont suppose we will now. I have tried to contact Claire and left messages to se how she is. Perhaps we wont here from Claire again either. We will have to wait and see. Mikey loved Claire with all his heart but we know he loved us to. So on that thought we know what has happened and we know we did the best for Mikey and that is all we can say.
We just miss him so very much  He did so love his Dad and the relationship they had was heavenly and yet no one has contacted Tim to see how he is. Perhaps we are considered as just Mikeys parents.

Well i think that is more than enough for today perhaps i will continue and discuss what happened with the humanist. But maybe not. How often can you beat yourself up about other peoples actions.

Tom phoned tonight to see if we were ok and asked us up next week. Jen has been phoning him every day! and poor Tom is on funny shifts this week. Oh well!

Tomorrow is another day (Scarlet O'Hara again) and thats going to be hard too