Day 26

Well we awoke this morning to fog. We got up early so we could go to Yorkshire to visit Mother Shiptons cave. I hoped the weather was not a portent of a bad day.

We left March at 8am and had a good journey up to Yorkshire. By the time we arrived the sun was shining.

The scenery was incredible and we both felt so relaxed and at peace with the day. The walk to the cave was so peaceful and you could hear the quiet. That seems a strange thing to say but true. It was if we had stepped off the world and entered a place where anything was possible. We talked of why we had never ventured far from home and how we had always looked for an excuse. Tim more than me really. Its about making an effort.

A strange thing did happen whilst we was at the well and the cave and i still cant quite except it. I suppose I'm a bit of a sceptic but the feeling of warmth that i have had in my hand since placing it in the well to make a wish has not gone away and i felt embraced by a kindness that is hard to explain. Is it imagination or has something magical occurred. Well i do believe i am going to say yes to the latter. Call me mad, call me deranged,call me psychotic i don't care but i have a lovely feeling today. Is it Mike i don't know. I'm just glad its with me. I feel as though i am in a snug duvet and loved really loved. What better thing to think or imagine.

 Mikey would have been proud of us and we would have had so much to tell him. That is the key i think. We had few changes in our lives to interest Mikey and as he couldn't go far these last few months, hearing about other peoples adventures and happenings must have bought the world to him. It also in a way was double edged because Mikey was then having to face his limitations. God that must have been so hard for him knowing that life was going on without him. How brave was he to endure all he had to put up with. Not just his physical deterioration  and his daily pain but his emotional health and pain that bought him as well. It is no wonder he questioned whether he should give up. We selfishly said no of course not. How much unhappiness can a person live with before your mind starts falling apart. I don't know, i don't know.
Mikey asked for anti depressants and wished his head would stop, but it never did. We saw a different Mikey than Claire. That was evident on the day of his op when we saw them together. Mikey just showed her his cheerful positive self. Claire i don't think had seen him as we had I'm sure he put on a brave front for her. This i think was done so Claire didn't feel bad. Mikey would always put her first.How sad that she couldn't have managed to hang on in there for another couple of months we all knew that his time was limited. Mikey was there for Claire and never used  any excuse it didn't matter that he was terrified that she may die when she had her transplant. Had she forgotten that he spent every day with her before and after the transplant. I hope she remembers now, but probably not and even if she does i don't think it would cause too much of a problem for her as she has got a good quality life and she should forget those times i think. I however cannot forget the last 18mths. What about his 'friends' Claire and Mitch they both knew what was happening but good old Mike he would go to Spalding and fetch Mitch to stay. Has Mitch got a conscience i wonder and Claire, she was well aware of what was going to happen to Claire and Mike on the return from holiday. Is that treachery, yes i think so. Poor, poor Mikey. God he deserved better than that. In sickness and in health. Does it mean anything now. The true meaning has been lost over the last few decades i think.

I am going to ask Claire for Mikeys belongings. The reason is that they had split up and she is young and will want another life. That's only to be expected. But we will always be his parents and i would rather they be here than in her parents loft and forgotten until such a time that they are disposed of. We have left things to Claire to do and we should have suggested it but very conscious not to offend and say the wrong thing. Its purely because we know that she has to move on, but we wont.

I feel positive tonight now i have made a decision, i feel as though Mikey is here in someway i cant explain but it began yesterday the lifting of something heavy and the feeling that it is OK to be negative but also to start to be strong now and Mother do something for you!!! do what you want.

Maddie has been a joy that has entered our lives. Mikey has left us with someone very special and we are grateful for that. I do wonder if she knows what she has taken on bless her. I'm not the most normal of people but hey Mikey told me never to change otherwise i wouldn't be his mum. So if i was good enough for him i will do. lol.
I cant believe that i feel this euphoric will it last.
Ah well tomorrow is another day............


The strain of the nights events were taking their toll on them all by the time they emerged out of the walk way into yet another thick area of undergrowth. They battled their way trough out into an open field, well beyond the 16 mile bank. Jane took time to look for any recognisable landmark in this strange light. The children leaning heavily on either side of her still hanging on and dragging her further down emotionally and physically. Trying hard not to take her worry out of the children she gently removed their hands. Crouching down as their Father had done earlier she told them that they had to cross this field and walk down the old drove and they would be there.
Mr Riley was now almost at the end of his endurance and suggested they leave him where he was and make tracks. All of the group refused to leave him. The children moved to either side of him and taking a hand each told him that they would help him.
Mr Rileys voice broke when he thanked them for their kindness and agreed to carry on.
Andrew took the lead after Jane had directed him which route to take.
God its so good that Jane has this worked out he thought to himself. If she knew what we had left behind she would just crumble. I don't know if i can face going back but i know we must.
Cold began to take a grip of them. They shivered and limbs became heavy with each gruelling step forward. Feet began to sink into the earth where earlier they were springing forward.
 Not for much longer Jane chanted repeatedly to herself as she lurched along.
At last they came to the end of the drove and could see another copse to the right. In there said Jane the barn is in there.
Excitedly now and with a bit of a lift in spirits they moved into the wooded area. An outline of a building came into view and with great sighs they arrived at their first destination.