Day 19

Its a horrible day today. Its like winter. The season appears to be matching my mood and the  recent events.

Tim continues to worry me despite him saying he is fine. You can see the changes in his face. The energy has gone. Life appears to be seeping out of him day by day. I don't know what to do. I cant help myself how on earth do i help someone who says they do not need anything. Is this part of the grieving process. I don't know i have no experience to draw on. I lost my parents and a brother but nothing compares to this gaping hole that is forever present.

I sit at the computer waiting for a message from Mikey. I know its not going to happen in my head but my heart is saying wait.

Time is a great healer they say, and yet is my biggest enemy at the moment. Will that change i don't know. Will we adapt, i don't know.

I have not had response from e mail yet from the parent of the cf adult, i hope i do.

I couldn't manage to get to see Mark Turner today, i thought i would finish early today but a problem occurred.

Its just not easy to get away like some of the other managers do. Is this habit on my part maybe.

I am going to use the two weeks holiday period i have to really reflect my direction and perhaps set myself a goal regarding work. I have appreciated coming home at lunch time. The home is still standing on my return so why didn't i do that before now. Maybe its because i realise the importance of living a little more.

I spoke to Tom tonight and was on the phone for 40mins. I felt so depressed after talking to him. Tom has been decorating and unhappy with the house, the position of the house, the children and people around him the drivers and the whole area. Tom was unhappy with the way he has to pay bills the length of time he has to wait for other people to do things. He cannot plan because of his job. Everything you could think of. In reality I'm afraid we have to wait for other people they cannot just do things when we want. Tom has to learn to have patience and appreciate that given the choice his brother would have been more than happy to cope with Toms life.

Toms dog Rocky comes first and if the choice comes between his job and the dog the dog would be a priority. I just wish Tom could see that you can have both. A dog cannot have a conversation with you. For two weeks Tim, me and Linda have been the only ones to talk to him. How lonely he must be. How on earth do we get him motivated. I think he would be the same where ever he is though. Tom just cant let go and enjoy himself and he must.

Tim's watching the football tonight he will miss his pal to talk to about it. I'm useless i tried to show interest tonight but the only comment i made was don't they look you to be playing football. I then realised my age and that's so bad when age catches up with you with a bang. Everything is heading South, well and east and most definitely west. No chance of any return to the north setting.

I'm seriously thinking about going to see a spiritualist. I wonder if that will help. Is it possible that there are people who can reach the spirit world, or are they charletons. I wonder i really do.
Am i just clutching at straws am i going to make myself a victim of some foolish hope that i will hear from Mikey To be honest so what, so bloody what, if it makes me feel better. I can live in a fantasy world on the odd occasion cant i?

Its Thursday again tomorrow and it will be 5 weeks. It seems longer, a lifetime.

Oh well tomorrow is another day.......................