Day 9

We went for a walk this morning and ended up walking for 10 miles and it took us 3 hours but it passed the morning away.

Went to see Joni who just listened to me get things off my chest, she is a balm to any wounded soul. I love her to pieces.

Went out for a ride in the MX5 and had a good walk in Thetford it was a nice evening.

Tonight i locked my self in the bathroom and sobbed. Nothing in particular set me off. I just got this awful sensation when you know that you are facing an unpleasant thought and you don't want to.

I just cannot accept that we wont see Michael again.

Tom phoned tonight and said Ashley was pregnant obviously with the chap she is living with. How sad for Tom knowing you are still married to a woman and she is having another mans child. The reason she left Tom was to have a life and a bit of fun. Well it looks her days are numbered now because she will now have x number of years not being able to do anything. Still that's her choice. Mikey always said that's what she will do get pregnant and have no future.

i have tried to contact Claire again without success. Still i expect shes wondering why we are bothering now when we didn't before. Well i suppose when she left Michael last year we felt so upset for him. That was the only time we ever heard Michael say he wished he was dead. It was certainly a time when we noticed that his health declined. He was so happy later that year when he said they were trying again. Then at the beginning of the year he was so down because she was spending so much time with Jason who was having a transplant even though Mikey was not well himself. We know he was taken ill one weekend but Claire wasn't there at the time and Mike had a lung collapse again. Then Claire went on holiday with Claire and Mikey stayed with us and he was getting lots of texts from Claire saying she was having a good time and she couldn't remember what she had done the night before. You could see how upset Mikey was. He was so desperate for her to come home and went to Stanstead early to wait for her and he didn't look well then. He was back in hospital very soon after and when we visited he was so very low, he told us that Claire and he had split again. Mikey later put on facebook that he was single. At the end of June Mikey told us that they were going to continue living together but just as friends and that Claire would be his carer. Mikey was asking for anti depressants and having counselling again.

In July he was very very low in mood and sleeping such a lot and said he didn't know when Claire would be visiting. In fact even up to his hospital visit to Addenbrookes he didn't know when she would come up and he missed her so. But that week end Claire was out camping at Peterborough and he saw on facebook that she had woken up in a tent with a hangover and he was facing the fact that he may not be alive later that week. How the hell did he come to terms with that. But he loved her, god knows he loved her so much. We have never passed judgement on the situation and never pried although we know Jen and Ash did. Mikey called Jen 20 questions!!

Well on that happy note I'm off jogging.

Tomorrow is another day......