day 7

Why is it that just when you think you have moved a step forward you find yourself a mile behind yesterday.

Time is a great healer they say my clock must be going backwards then.

I went into work this morning thinking i can cope with a few hours and everything went tits up basically. Here i am usually the most capable person reduced to mush. I just couldn't get a grip today. God am i going to be able to continue with nursing. My life has revolved around caring for someone or another and its gone. That edge has gone and I'm lost. I feel as if I'm a ship at sea and I've lost my rudder just riding a tempest, being battered and hammered by the winds, is there a haven in this storm. I think not.

Tim asked how work went and i said yeah everything is fine. Mikey always said he was fine and he clearly wasn't. Why oh why couldn't we face reality when he was alive. We just normalised everything. Am i beating myself up God only knows. Strange me using those terms when I'm a non believer isn't it.

A friend told me that the essence of a loved one who has passed lingers in this ether for 40 days to say his goodbyes, Mikey hasn't been to see me yet and its been 3 weeks now 22 days, where is he.

I had a dream last week that he was waiting for his Dad and when i said what about me he shook his head and said you cant come mum just dad, look after Tom, and held his hand out to his dad and Tim went with him, they were both smiling. Was it me worrying about Tim or is this some portent of the future. I really don't know.

Today Tim told me hes been getting really bad heads and that when he gets a sharp pain and  when he tries to talk he stutters and cant get the words out and had i noticed. I hadn't noticed anything, is this anything to do with his brain hemorrhage? but he will now go to the Dr's so now I'm worrying about that.

Ive been on my treadmill tonight and my speed is improving so that's something all prepared for 2012!
Linda rang tonight and asked if Scott her son could partner me but this is something i really want to do myself for Mikey, i may change my mind later but not now, not now.

I wonder should i contact Maddie she said i could but i don't want to impose on her good nature.

Claire hasn't been on line yet so haven't managed to contact her today, but like us I'm sure she has her good and bad days. There is a lot for her to sort out. I hope she asks us if we would like something of Mikey's to remind us of him. Even if its an old t shirt i would be so so grateful to have something of his to hold and touch.

I don't think either of us will ever get over this.

Diane my manager has suggested counselling, maybe i will i don't know what for? 

I just hope he wasn't lonely or unhappy personally i know he was desperate to have his transplant to have another chance of happiness with Claire. She will never in her lifetime experience such love from another human being. I wonder if she realises how very lucky she was, i don't know i don't think she did but she may just be realising that now. Who's to say.

I think we all take for life for granted and we shouldn't should we will i remember this. I have listened to LeAnn Rimes please remember tonight and if i had to chose record for Maddie from Mikey it would be that.