Day 22

Well today started of with the sun shining and dew glistening on the lawn, an Autumn feel in the air.

Its so hard to get any enthusiasm about myself. I have no interest in clothes, jewellery and my appearance. Left alone i don't think i would bother to wash/bath or dress. Its only because of Tim that i bother at all.

There is this feeling of anticipation in the air, a sense of waiting and yet nothing happens. The weekends are the worst for me as we would plan our days around hospital visits. The days just drag and i cant wait for night to come. Michael i know wouldn't want this and yet i feel this is our grieving time. Is this grieving i really don't know.

Tims in bed and i can hear him coughing in his sleep. He has been like this for months now. I often wonder if this is a result of passive smoking. His parents smoked from his birth so you never know.

Tom phoned this morning. Why is it that i spent more time worrying over Tom than i ever did over Mikey. Mikey was so wise and worldly Tom just doesn't have the confidence that Mikey had. Yes i worried over Mikeys health but we knew he could look after himself. What he didn't know he would ask or he would try for himself. Mikey was a good housekeeper where Tom just hasn't a clue. Everything is a big problem for him and i know Mikey would just shrug these off. Mikey knew what was important and i think we should all learn from that.
Tom did sound more cheerful today James stopped last night so he has had some company. Then he got a puncture in his car so that caused a few probs but Tim managed to talk to him and discuss how etc. Tom phoned back later to say he had got it all sorted out and car now back on the road. Thank goodness.

Had a good walk this afternoon and popped to see Joni this evening for an hour. When i got home Tim was clearing out the garden shed and my exercise building. I don't need it now because i have everything in Mikeys room. I used to lay on his bed most nights but haven't managed to do that since he left us. I will one day i hope but its too painful at the moment. There are two dresses on the bed still in the bags from the shop. No interest at all, not even tried them on. Mikey would say their was definitely something wrong with me. Even Tim finds it hard that i cannot be persuaded to go shopping, and hes prepared to take me and he loathes going shopping!!

I still haven't managed to catch Claire on line yet to discuss the visit to Mark Turner i will try tomorrow.

Don't know what we will do tomorrow. Tim keeps saying what do you want to do but sometimes it would be nice if he just said right, we are going.......... instead of me trying to think what he would like to do. That's always been my problem i always try to do what everyone else wants and then that becomes misinterpreted. I just wish i had that confidence to say what i want. The only place i used to feel confident was at work. It was my place and Tim and home had no input. My training ,m my job. Pity i wasn't as assertive at home, still i cant change now its far too late. Cant please everyone.

Well i think I'm a bit earlier tonight so may get my walking in without to much trouble.
We will see what tomorrow brings, after all it is another day.


Andrew whispered i found old man Riley out on the far bank, hes been knocked out but no real damage that i can see. I couldn't just leave him out there and we can always do with extra help.
Jane gathered the children close. How is everything in town she asked, Andrew looked at her and suggested they talk later.

Right said Jane to the children we have a bit of an adventure for you we are going to walk across the fields and the ditches to get to a holiday home. We are going to stay there for a while and wait for some friends, we have to be very careful and very brave do you think you can manage that.
Mathew raised his eyebrows and said p.lease we are not babies whats happening to our home why cant we go there
Andrew crouched down in order for him to look directly into the faces of his children. The town has been damaged by all the explosions tonight. Until the gas mains have been sealed or gas supply is turned off fires will continue to rage, there is no safe place for us to stay. We hope to be joined by some of our friends and their children. Who there will be and how many Mum and i don't know but it will not be too lonely for you.

A huge explosion and flames shot into the sky screaming could be heard across the fields from the town. Old man Riley stirred and muttered to anyone who would listen. Which way are we headed. Andrew told him where they were going. You need to keep to this hedgerow when we get to the bottom field i will show you a short cut, not many people here abouts know it but my family have farmed this land for generations. I suppose you've found the Monks walk way by now and that's why we are going to the 16 foot bank.
Jane and Andrew looked at each other in puzzlement and voiced their lack of knowledge.
Ah well then best we be on our way and i will explain as we go.