Today was tough. I decided to talk to Tim and fortunately he was in the mood to talk to. We both decided that we can not carry on as we are. Its impossible to live together and talk to each other as we do. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Although Tim does not want us to go our separate ways he will support me in the decision i make. Tim asked what i wanted to do and i said i don't know. I don't know how i feel lets alone know what i want to do.
Tim said unless i talk to him he cant help me. But i just don't know what the problem is. I just feel mad. Mad at Tim and mad at the world i guess. I don't even know that. How crazy am i?
The suns out and i am sitting under the car port and yep hes cleaning the car again.
I did say perhaps its because i have had too much time to think, it may have been a mistake to take a holiday. That seems to have been such a waste.
Tim agreed and said he thought i was better when i was occupied. But is that really addressing the problem or avoiding it?
7 weeks ago today i was cutting Mikeys hair and laughing because i had to hurry up and get him back to the hospital before his oxygen ran out. Today we haven't got him in our lives anymore.
Today or should i say this morning Claire text me to ask if we were going to be in this afternoon. I said yes but i hadn't got Mikes ashes. Claire text back and said oh well she would come another time.
Tim and i talked about the ashes today as well. I must go and collect them.
How strange that I've just put my ipod on and its playing Chicago's Hard to say I'm sorry. Very apt really.
But its true, sorry is the hardest word. Especially when you don't really know what part of our lives I'm saying sorry for!!
It is so unbearably hard just getting through the day and as i said earlier its only been such a short time. Maybe this is just normal, who knows.
American Anthems, it really is a good album to listen to. I'm now listening to Whitesnake Is this love. One of Gordons favourite groups. Not a lot of luck in this family with boys. Gordon my brother died when he was 47 of Non Hodgkin's. Life is such a bitch sometimes. I understand his two daughters have now had children recently. How time does move on.
I am always finding another way of describing where i am. Well today I'm the bottle without a message floating on the sea. Whipped up and cast a drift, where i will end up is yet to be decided, it really is in the lap of the gods. I wonder if these celestial beings exist, are sitting with their hand in a pool stirring up the waters around me. I must be their sport at the moment. I wish they would look elsewhere and another poor soul will come under their scrutiny. Or the alternative is that one of them take pity on me. Guess that not not going to happen is it?
Where the hell did these bloody genes come from? all i can say is that we have a very muddy gene pool. What do they say? healthy are those that carry the genes. Well that's right cos Tim and I have been very fit as young people.
We decided that we will try to get through this period in our lives, as yet i don't know how we will achieve that but try we will. Mikey would be devastated to think we had come to this. He would be looking down at everyone and would despair for us all. He will be in a rage, no that's not true he wasn't that type of young man. He would try to resolve all our differences. If i was a believer in odd things I'm now listening to True colours by Cyndie Lauper. I wonder.............. Thank you! Oh my goodness now its Cutting Crew and I just died in your arms tonight. That is so so strange. Don't you think. Coincidence surely.
I think that's it for today. This must be like reading how to give up on life and live!!
Mikeys favourite saying was, Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light. How true and so relevant. Love you Mikey
Tomorrow is another day.............................
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