Day 40

Have i been writing for 40 days? That long? I have added Mikeys photo today for my profile so now i may be able to added them to my daily blog. We will wait and see.

Its been a dreadful day, well i suppose yesterday could not possibly have been repeated it was too good to be true!!

It started at 0400hrs when i got a phone call from work. The reason why cannot be discussed on this page. A bad omen for the start of the day.

I decided i would wear yet another dress, one that's been in the wardrobe for a couple of years and had never seen the light of day!!! Mike and Tim would always look at me when i bought clothes and say you will never wear it!  Well I'm changing!!
Managed to get it on, but i haven't used a worn an item of clothing that required a back zip. That became a task in itself!! managed to get it almost to the top and then the party started!!!
I attempted to reach back, stretch my arm to the back, swapped hands and arms, used every technique possible to move it that final inch. By now it had taken 10 Min's of the morning!! i was cursing my wrist which i broke earlier this year. That wasn't to blame and  i eventually succeeded. Yay!! Not bad i thought once it was on and my complexion had returned to normal and not that ruddy reddish purple colour it had been.
Pleasant comment from Tim. That's good means i must look reasonable enough to exit the home and appear in public.

Work, lovely comment by Carol, who you all know from previous blogs and I'm sure you will know very well over time! I then explained how difficult it had been to get dressed this morning. This was followed by oh Sue you can buy something that helps with closing zips, Ummm sounds promising save all the struggling, yes you get them from the disability shops! Well the bell knolled and that was the start of a downward trend for the rest of the day. Yes i was still speaking to Carol when we left for home at the end of a very, very long day.

Everyone i had contact with today was in very peculiar moods, i felt as if i was speaking to strangers with very worrying attitudes. These people usually the most pleasantest of the human race that you come across. What is it about today.

I managed to get upset about Mikey today during meetings and had to leave twice. Have you ever experienced a rage swamping you and you almost metamorphosed into another creature!! well i felt that change come over me and heaven forbid if that entity escaped. I was so mad inside. That chance remark was just enough to push me towards the edge. It raised my awareness into how fragile the shell is that i have erected to enable me to cope on a daily basis. My inner anger at losing Mikey could very easily overtaken me. Time out!!!!!!!! Could grief have been responsible or is it the fact that i have become more intolerant of excuses made by others? I'm not sure.

I went home for lunch and Tim had cooked a lovely meal. Tim likes me going home in the middle of the day, he says the day goes faster for him if he has to cook a midday meal. I'm pleased that it helps. Tim did look very tired today and worn. I hope hes OK. He hasnt seen or spokn to anyone today.

The afternoon was no better in fact worse because not only was i dealing with personalitieses but a very very sad case that one of our employees is going through. I cannot discuss it here but i was so moved by their plight and would do anything, anything to help this person. All they were asking of me was to give them hope.  I did have to leave the room for a while as the memories of Mikey were so strong and so comparable that i couldn't cope. I managed with the support of Nick who was really supportive to both myself and the employee. It was a privilidge to give this person the hope thats required just to get through the day. The person also gave me insight into how they were feeling and explained that they cant talk to their family how they talked to Nick and I. That actually helped me and perhaps gave me insight into how Mikey may have been feeling, it also hurt to see someone suffering emotionally and made me question, how must Mikey have coped with the decisions and thoughts that were going through his mind.

Oh dear and Bev, my word she was like a  dignified galleon in full sail today. The armada would have been defeated in an instant if bombarded by her wrath. I have to say that i am sitting here now with a smile, so thank you Bev xxx

When i left work the sun was shining a good evening for a walk.So cup of tea and off we went.
We met an old colleauge of Tims and his wife and Tim chatted away to them for a good 20 mins. I think he needed that.

The evenings are turning very cold now and my wrist is playing up. The Dr said this could happen when the seasons change.

The photo that i have added to my profile is a favourite of mine and i would like to get print enlarged and frame for home. I think i will do that soon.

Tim has said that the week end weather looks promising and we will try to find the star in the sky that i bought and named for Tim I named the star Mikey. I said to Tim when you look up Mikey will be shining down on us. I thought that was just right and felt warm and comfortable saying that. I hope Tim will try to discover it. We have a map!!!

Its Thursday tomorrow, i hate Thurdays and it will be 8 weeks since Mikey died. I dread tomorrow.

 Tomoorow its not just another day..............