Day 55

Its been 10 weeks today and notoriously Thursdays have been bad for me. Today just about takes the biscuit.

Work..... 2 sudden deaths in 30 mins !!!  Resuss,paramedics, police, resuss, etc etc, greiving relatives. Too, too much especially today. Cannot begin to describe the emotions rolling like a landslide over me.

The afternoon did not improve at all!!! in fact then had to cope with incompetence from outside the work area!!!!

Strange phone call which resulted in me feeling very bemused, upset and confused. But whats new there then. I wonder some times if kindness can be perceived as stupidity, consideration perceived as ignorance, helpfulness as interference. I do begin to wonder if its time to give up.

I had planned on bringing Mikey home tomorrow but will leave it for a while now.

Tim and i going away have decided to go away for a few days i have physio booked for next week and will check with Tom what he is working. I will book some leave, just a couple of days.

Its a shame that i want be able to do what i hoped on those days but all being well will have the opportunity to go back to one of Mikes spots later. Its all about memories at the moment.

Tim very quiet tonight and we haven't talked very much, accept about Mikes ashes and how their coming home will affect us both. It left us both with our own private thoughts. We also spoke about one of Mikeys friends who has had a transplant. Tim said he cannot understand why Mike didn't even get on the list, he feels very very sad about that but really happy for the young lady and hopes all goes well.

Its so cold again tonight, although the sun has been out today the wind has had an icy bite to it. Winter is fast approaching.

I wish Mikey was here so i could talk to him and ask his opinion about issues that are weighing heavy on my heart. That is not to be.

Well i better prepare myself for another day, and it gets no easier I'm just getting really good at lying to myself and everyone else. Why on earth do i constantly put other people first, my feelings last no matter the emotional cost to me. Am i mad!!!! Because at the end of the day i end up either offending someone or upsetting them all with no intent!! oh well why the hell do i worry. One of these days i will say what i mean!! Oh yeah, Ive said that before and here i am saying exactly the same thing again. I'm sorry to say Mikey but that is one trait you get from me!!! Who did you take after Mike, well i think you got the best side of both of us, however with that came those miserable CF and SMA genes.... so sorry!

Deary me was that the misery word again, or nearly. Well that's it I'm going to close before she descends,
Tomorrow is another day ....................