Day 64

How the hell did i get it so wrong!!!!!

Today i got up early and the sun was shining. I picked up my niece Joni who was keeping me and Mikey company on our journey to Essex.

I said to Joni what a lovely day it was to take him back home to Claire. Was that my first mistake or was it just getting out of bed!!!

As i said i have never driven on a motorway and it took me about over 2 hrs. But i was really proud of myself.

We found the area Mike and Claire lived, we have only been there about 3 times so wasn't 100% sure. I said to Joni that i couldn't see Claire's car so we would leave Mikey in the car go and see Claire and have few minutes if she didn't feel like lunch i would give her Mikey and let her spend the time with him with out us being present and come home. I knew this would be the last time we would see each other.
Yeah well that was mistake number 2.

Tim warned me and said don't go Sue but i could not begin to imagine the horror i would be faced with. I am sitting here and am so so angry that i was treated as i was that it is almost too awful to put into words. Believe me it will not compare to the reality.

Readers of the blog will recall that i didn't go last week end because Claire said it was Abbies birthday and it would not be so good. I planned for this week end and Claire said Saturday would be better for her. I also asked if we could go out for lunch and she said yes!! Claire also told me she had cleared Mikeys lap top for me. This was his old lap top that he didn't use i hasten to add and that Mike had asked if i wanted.

I had asked her if i could come and just sit with Mikeys things for a while when i bought his ashes and she said that was OK.

Well all the above was a lie. Yes sounds harsh but exactly that.

Imagine how you would feel walking up to the flat complex to be met by Claires dad shutting the front door behind him. I said hello only to have the response have you got Michael's ashes. Not how are you did you have good journey etc. I said yes i had and he asked where they were. I said in the car, i thought id pop in and have a chat and then get the ashes for Claire.
I cannot express the way in which he spoke to me. Get the ashes and then you can come in!! and he started to walk towards my car. I said no hang on i will see Claire first. Only to be told that Claire wasn't at home. That she was finding it all to much and that she did not want me to give her the ashes. Well i just couldn't believe it. So said no i wont give you them i will give them to Claire. Again asked to go inside to talk. Complete and utter refusal and him saying that i was with holding the ashes etc it was so bad i said well i wont give them to you. He was so aggressive that he was waiting next to the car for me to open the doors so he could get the ashes. It was horrendous. A lady from a block of flats stopped and asked us if we wanted help. He was saying that i had no intention of giving them to Claire he didn't believe i had them etc etc.
I said why on earth would i have come all this way if i wasn't bringing him home. Why would i have purchased a casket in dark wood Mikes choice of coffin colour and have plaque done etc if i had no intention of giving them to Claire. I would just as well have said straight after the funeral I'm keeping them. Had he no idea that for the past 3 weeks i couldn't even walk!!! He said he didn't trust me!! Joni tried to say how on earth was she going to run off, as she has cerebral palsy that affects her walking!!
He wouldn't listen.

By now i was beside myself and said i cant believe this is happening i only wanted to bring him home. I knew then that he would take the ashes and leave us there. Nothing would convince me otherwise.

How could this be happening, i phoned Tim who said get in the car don't give them the ashes and come home. But i was trying to do what Mikey wanted. I said to her dad what sort of person do you think i am, its my son!
He then said that if i didn't hand the ashes over he would take me to court he wouldn't want to but he would. They were Claires ashes not mine. But i  said i would give them to Claire he said no he wanted them. I saw red all reason fled. Actually they are legally mine, morally they are Claires. I told him to get away from my car and he said no. I again told him to get away from my car and said you want the ashes?. I must have sounded as though i meant it because i opened the boot and spied the two Chinese take away containers full of ashes next to Mikes casket. Before i knew what i was doing i picked one up, closed and locked the boot walked to the front of the car to the grassed area and threw the ashes away. I don't think i need to tell you how he looked and how he said he couldn't believe it. How could i have done it but he had got hold of Claire when he realised what i was doing.
I then walked up to him and said do you think i would have thrown Mikes ashes away how the hell could he think that, but at least he did take us in the flat then and the casket still in the car.
Claire was going to see me one way or another. He said prior to that that they had put a few things together for me and i could have them when i had given them the ashes. What a swop i said!! how dare they.

Claire came i like a sullen 12 year old, where is he. No hello, how are you nothing. No civility, compassion nothing just looked at us as though we had crept in with the sewage. I said he was in the car and that i would bring him in later. We were not welcome, a backpack sat in the hall, i assumed that was the belongings she had put together. Can anyone even if they hated me behave like this. Could an effort at least for a few hours be made. At least i was trying to put closure in civilised way. Even though we know she had a new man in her life we were not judging. She could at least have had the decency to block the photos from my page. I didn't want to see her kissing her new fella when mikes only been gone for a short while! Yep she really loved Mike.

A few weeks ago she was saying how they were going to renew their vows. How hypocritical can you get.
We did get offered a cup of tea, even though grudgingly from her father.

I really couldn't stay and said we would be going Claires dad went outside. Claire could hardly speak kept saying you say mike said this and that, i replied but Claire you told me that this was what mike wanted etc and we believed you why cant you believe me. Shrugged and then went on to say she wanted the ashes. I told Joni to wait went outside got the shes gave them to her dad and went back to the flat.

To say we were humiliated really doesn't cover it. Her dad then said he didn't believe that mike was in the casket and that how could i do such a thing. I don't know and i said I'm ashamed of whats happened here today and it wouldn't have been what Mikey wanted. Madam went on to say that she knew i never liked her and how i haven't liked her since she and Mikey met!!  That i was withholding the ashes and she could have got them sooner and why couldn't she get them, i said they were in plastic container and i then had casket made, that we had planned to come up but she didn't want that week. Claire said what about the week she was coming to us i said yes and when i hadn't got the ashes she didn't come!!  How could i have been with holding them when i only got them yesterday. Her dad said that i could have released then to Claire if i wanted. That's true i could have but didn't want to i wanted to give them to her. What is so wrong with that!! I said why did she ring up the funeral directors when i had planned with her to come today. Her dad said he was going to go with her. I said but why were you going when we had made arrangement. No answer. Well i think its apparent that she didn't want me to visit the flat. Claire also said that Mitch had told her i made comments about her taking things from Mikeys room at home and said had she left anything That just about did it. I never raised a voiced i never spoke in a manner other than one of despair. She got up and went to her room with the ashes that her dad left there.at she did not want me to visit the flat., Claire said she had the right to take them because they were hers. I cant believe these people were invited into my home. How i asked Mitch if he wanted to spend time in Mikeys room and when Claire asked if he could have the items i never said no. I wasn't expecting it she could have waited till after the funeral but i never said that. The woman is mad!! or riddled with guilt and couldn't face me more like. Such a selfish young lady at this time. Cant we all afford to be generous.

I'm going to tell what happened next tomorrow but all i can say at this time is thank God i don't think like them, thank god i was bought up better and what a pity someone has never told that young lady no before. In the future she is going to have a hell of a time she wont find another bloke that put up with what Mike did.
I'm not proud of what happened when i left but i cant go to hell for it, I'm already there!! and i was severely provoked.

Tomorrow i will continue, but trust me it really doesn't get better!!!