Day 43

Gosh its Saturday again and decided to go and get my gait analysis done. Must do something positive with my time or i will start wallowing into the dark place. Mikey was adamant we get on with our lives and do something with them. So better not waste any of the little time i have left. At 56 years of age and thinking how fast Mikeys 25 years flew past i better get a wiggle on.

Tim took me over to Advanced Performance a store that specialises in running gear etc and perform the test.
Well we drew up outside and there were loads of cars. Ummm this appears to be a popular place to come i thought to myself. Walking to the door i was wondering if i should really go in here but by then i was at the door with hand on the glass. I spied a notice! Saturdays are very busy and you will need to sign in at the desk for appointment for the analysis. On entering there were loads of people in running shorts on the treadmills. Super thin ladies with all the kit on waiting their turn. Oops i thought wrong!!! This is big mistake. Again my thought process was rather slow and i found myself in front of the desk looking at this rather long list of names. Tim waiting in the car and possibly considering we are wasting the day i rather hopefully said to the lovely young man behind the counter. Do i Need to put my name on a waiting list for the gait analysis? Not at all he said i will do it for you right now. Oh my word, trust me to get a fit young man. Here i am a middle aged over weight hopelessly unfit woman amidst all of these young women and he gets me!! Well he must have thought he had lucked out.
I was asked what size shoe i took and off he went and came back with a stunning pair of trainers. Ummm these are nice i thought to myself. Anyway trainers on, he asked me to roll my jeans up so he could film my legs and feet when i run on the treadmill. This will then be compared with other trainers i may try.
Climbing aboard the treadmill with great trepidation he started me of walking. He came and increased my pace, the woman on next machine was already running. So he came and increased my pace a little more. And again by now i was walking at a pace good for me but he said do you want to run if i increase it more. Well because i had been using the treadmill at home i was actually doing rather well! how about that.So i set off running thinking god i hope i don't run out of steam before end of the test. What a sight i must have looked.
Test complete he showed me the results. Well i was running well! and correctly heel first and running on the outside edge of my foot, the only concern was that once landed i was turning my left foot in, so i just needed trainers to adjust that. Several pairs later and a jog in the car park i left with a new pair of shiny trainers.

Tim and i went for a long walk later and was chatting about going away for the weekend. We have been able to talk about Mikey in a happier tone and that has helped. I cannot however talk to anyone else about him with feeling as though i going to burst into tears. I wonder when that will get better.
We have yet to collect his ashes, that will be the next thing. I know Tim desperately wants him home.

Tom phoned today and had long chat with Tim and seemed happier today. He also said a colleague at work called Jason asked him how his brother was. Tom told him he had passed away. Jason asked Tom what was wrong with him, when Tom told him he looked shocked and said he had a niece with CF. Tom told him things were much better for the younger ones as medicine and treatment had come a long way since Mikey was born.

We have  treasure box of Mikeys cards, remembrance book and notices from the funeral. I have yet to put them together but i will, i just don't know when. Maybe in the winter when we cant get out.

I find weekends and Thursdays horrible because we spent our weekends around visiting and Thursday because that was the day he died.

I think i have accepted that everyone grieves differently and that we should respect that. A lesson learned rather late but better that than never.
I no longer feel whole and our family is no longer that unit it has always been I will never get over Mikey dying i know that too but i will i hope be able to see all the good things about our lives before that fateful day. But not yet.

The running has been for me a way of doing something positive and also a goal to work towards. I realise that 2012 will be significant due to the fact that Mikey was looking towards that year. When it comes i hope i will be ready for the memories that will come.

Tim has asked why i am so late in coming to bed. Its because i sit here hoping that Mikey will have written a message or put some new photos on his page. I know it will not happen and yet part of me still waits. I also think that will always be in my mind. In a very strange way it gives me comfort. What an odd person i am.
Concentration is shot, memory failing whats left!!

I understand what Mikey meant when he said on his CF forum that spending money is the only thing that was making him happy, but he worried about getting into debt. I have found also that buying an item does make you happy but it doesn't last its just a short term fix for filling time or making you feel good. That's sad to.

Anyway i better close and get some rest tonight. I'm going to give Roger a miss, get a cup of tea and a book and try to get some sleep.

Tomorrow is another day and just maybe i will continue with the story!!