Day 52

Hi Mikey

Where are you? I've missed you and so want you back in our world, our lives. There is something fundamentally missing and nothing is the same.

Today i have gone through the motions of living but its a pretence.I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do this anymore.
There is a hole in our hearts and we cant fill it. I have tried everything but nothings working. Why did you have to leave us. I know I'm being selfish but its because I'm so sad.

I came home from work today and just felt engulfed by a sense of loss. I told your dad it was because i was in pain from my back. Silly old fart i slipped on one of our walks. It must be because I'm getting old. Mikey i do feel so very, very old today.
I know you were tired, and i know the fight was too hard for you. I wish i could have shouldered some of your pain, i wish we could have helped you until you had a transplant we so wanted that you have the chance of a normal life.

Where are you, are you safe, are you happy, are you doing everything you wanted to. Are you breathing easy, are you lonely, are you missing us. Can you see us! What must you think. Dad talks to you every night. I know he does he talks to your photos in our room, can you hear him. Dad is coping but its because he has to for me at the moment. I think I'm confusing him with my mood changes. Well nothing new there then! He even asks me if i want to go shopping, and you know how he hates that.

Mikey what can i do. what should i do now? I'm so very lost. I'm crying and cant stop. I cant even tell you what I'm crying for at the moment if you asked me. I cant explain. Everything is an effort. I know it cannot compare to what you were going through, but just dressing, getting out of bed in the mornings, going through daily tasks is all an effort. What are you thinking? if you could say anything to me it would probably be 'pull yourself together Mother, your not dying are you' No I'm not dying in the physical sense Mikey but i am slowly dying inside and its such a bitter pain.

Maddie sent a poem, thank you for leaving her in our lives xx and its true what it says. Everyone has lied to us, the pain hasn't eased and time hasn't made it better, the only thing is that we have got better at lying about how we are. We are not fine even when we say we are, and neither were you!

What a dismal post tonight! and how depressing this must be for you. You spared us so much Mikey and we are so grateful for that.Do you know that we can never remember a time when you complained. Not once. You never complained that you was ill, that you never had a job, that you was unable to work, had difficulty in walking. We know that was a struggle but you was so independent and never accepted help. Never asked for help. You were the most amazing, wonderful son anyone could have. We are so proud of you. You always thought of others first. Always phoned and asked how we were. Such a generous young man. You loved with such passion. So selfless. And you are ours!!!

 Dad says you are sleeping and will not consider any other option, so Mikey, sleep well and we will see you one morning!

Love you loads
Mum xx