Day 45

I awoke this morning to a gammy leg!! hobbled out of bed and then to work!!

Forgot my office keys and couldn't get in till my admin staff came, good impression of someone who is coping well. Limped upstairs to my office thinking how the hell am i going to get down again. Well would think about that later.

My boss came, joy of joys. Lovely lady but again she must be thinking what next!! broken wrist, son ill, son passed away,  now dodgy hip. Time for a younger person maybe!! Diane did say that it is still early and to remember that this year has been bad and time will help. Once again that word. Time.
Then the worst thing possible regarding work request to assess terminally ill lady tomorrow. Not sure if i will cope, what if i have to walk out, what if i find myself unable to do the job anymore. Guess i will find out tomorrow.

Mike would be having conversation with his dad about it and no doubt making some disparaging remark about age, getting old etc!!!Why is that its mum that's getting old and dad just stays the same. Ummmm must ponder on that.

I came home at lunch time and Tim had heard from Jen and Ash. Ash had asked Tim why he hadn't phoned and did he want a game of golf. Tim said no he didn't want a game of golf and didn't care if he ever went again. That's sad because i know how much he enjoyed it. On asking Tim said he doesn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. He knows that may not be good but its what he wants. Tim just wishes that Jen and Ash wouldn't keep saying they know how he feels because they don't. Even i do not have access to that information. Tim has kept a lot of his feelings and emotions to himself and i am sure that one day they will erupt. My problem is knowing how to cope with that when it happens. I can barely look after myself how will i be able to support him.

Today I'm a dish cloth. Slowly being wrung out and soon there will be nothing just a dried up old cloth.
I know Mike didn't want me to have a face lift but that one-stitch face lift is becoming more appealing. I wonder how long it lasts. Is it a big stitch? in my case i expect they will need a tension suture!!!! Is it one stitch each side or is it  running stitch all around. Um will have to research a bit more. It can, apparently be done in lunch break and no general anaesthetic!  Does that count Mike? is that acceptable?
Tim would sat no why not just let nature take its course. Yes well nature at this present time is rather harsh!!
I will ponder anew.
Hair, when Mike and Tom were small i had my hair cut because i was a little depressed. Should i grow it long now i ask and how about going blonde. My goodness even i can visualise the look. I am laughing, a cross between Barbara Winsor and the Corpse Bride springs to mind. Throw in a cauldron and hey ho Macbeth here we come!!!  At least the teeth are mine and no warts yet!!!

Home from work and fell asleep on the settee!!! not good. Poor Tim, i awoke and found that he had gone to bed. So here i am again. BUT how lovely that all the times i wait for him to pop up a friend of his does and chats it has made me feel better today and the night is easier. How do we thank someone else who has CF but has that capacity to share a sorrow when they to are enduring the hardships of this rotten, rotten disease. I have mentioned before that Cf people are amazing. Words at this moment fail me, i will I'm sure rectify that in later pages.  It was lovely that someone as well as Maddie wants to talk about Mikey.
I have been blessed that they want to keep in touch. Maddie has sent a message today as well.

So Mikey thank you for letting me share some of your friends, they are, like you, very special.
So tonight i am going to bed with a lighter heart, and with hope that i can overcome tomorrow.
I will return to the Fens tomorrow I promise!!!
Because after all  tomorrow is another day..........