Day 41

Its 8 weeks today since we lost Mikey and i am so tired. Tired of everything.

I have found just having conversations with people exhausting. Trying to maintain a facade of normality when inside I'm withering into a shadow of myself. My identity is lost, who i am, what i am, where i am. I can almost feel the physical effort my phantom self is making to survive. Is this normal? Do other parents feel the same. Am i expecting too much of myself. I don't know, i don't know.

I can only imagine that as well as grieving I'm so angry with other factors surrounding Mikey's death and the behaviour of others towards Mikey and to us as parents.

I wonder if we give the appearance of being gullible and i know i tend to see the best in people.
Well today i had a rude awakening and if i could describe my disbelief in the lack of respect for the dead i would not be able to.

I had a lovely visitor today and had been looking forward to her coming. That has been the only good thing about today. I didn't even have the quality time with her that i would have loved. The lady in question is pretty special and has such a capacity to embrace emotions and then analyse the information and share her outlook on the situation, that then makes the listener feel so much better.

I came home almost on my knees and i don't know why. Perhaps lack of sleep i don't know.

At the moment i could weep, and my tears would make another ocean. The tears are not for me but for everything Mikey hoped for and dreamed about. If he was here now and knew what i do it would break his heart. He had such a huge capacity for love.

 That damned CF if only he could have had his transplant he would have done so much with his life and would have broadened his horizons and realised there was even more in the world for him. That's what makes it so unfair. If had been given that opportunity the new lungs would not have been wasted.
I most fervently hope that he is in a better place and i wonder now if the choice he made was one that he knew what the outcome would be.

I was asked today if i believe in Karma and the answer is yes. I do think that there is a price to pay and payment will be collected. At this minute i hope that happens very, very soon. I hate feeling like this. I have never wished any harm to anyone and am on the border of wishing that. There is an old saying isn't there beware what you wish for................. well hey ho!!!!

I usually feel some benefit after writing my blog, but today i don't even have that satisfaction. I suppose i should go to bed and try to get some sleep but even now my brain is still working overtime.

I haven't even discussed the fact that a TV film crew came to my place of work today. Oh well i will save that for another day.

Its been suggested that i write a blog from this blog and wondered would anyone be interested in reading these daily notations? If i were reading them i would think they were a work of fiction. Well they also say true life if stranger than fiction and that's certainly true in this instance!!

Well tomorrow is another day and if there are no further blogs you will know that I've  committed murder and i will claim on the grounds of diminished responsibility!!!!!!!