day 47

Bit late today, fell asleep on the settee. How sad is that.

Today has been a grey day, a nothing day. I suppose yesterday just overwhelmed me. Coping mechanism failed. Thank goodness for friends old and new!!

Tim had a visitor today! Our next door neighbor called to see him, his son Dan was Mikes friend from school who sadly died in road accident several years ago. It was good that Tim had something to add to our conversation. Lately everything has been whats been happening to me at work. Tim didn't look so sad today.
I wish he could have more people to see and talk to. Tim has said he prefers to be on his own but the days can be so long without company.

Do you remember me talking about the pigeon that was not well in my garden, well it would appear that his death was a mistake!!! I have to say that made me feel awful. The pigeon was in the garden almost lifeless unable to fly and his head a strange angle, we thought it must be some sort of disease, we have seen several about on our travels in a similar condition. When Tim discussed this with a friend who shoots he was told, oh its drunk. Tim obviously asked what he meant by that and apparently at this time of the year these silly birds gorge themselves on the new maize shoots which have something in them that makes the birds intoxicated. It does wear of in time. Imagine our horror oh my goodness we executed a drunk bird!!! Our only excuse can be ignorance and say it will never happen again!

Tim has been looking at puppies and i think he may like another dog. I don't mind and think it would be good for Tim. I hope its another wired haired pointer, i loved our Duke. He would get on the settee with Mike and they would sleep together. Duke would sit at the gate and wait for the boys to come home from school and later wait for Tom to come home from work. He loved a deck chair and we would spend many a happy time watching him try to get into the chair. The relief on his face when he succeeded!! Duke was another member of the family and now thinking about it, i do feel it would be good for us both. Something else to love and nurture another baby!! im certainly to old for that although there have been times lately that i wish i still had all parts functioning to enable me to have another child. I'm too old!!! so best knock that on the head.

Thinking of Mikey today, it was that old familiar feeling, lump in the throat, stomach clenching, heart beating rapidly, panic building, control! Not to give in to that. In doing so thoughts are suppressed, memories denied, managing, breathing but only half alive.

Still only have counselling available from GP. I know that there are many people reading this blog and hope someone out there can relate to these pages. I hope they may even help someone. I'm living in hope that someday i will feel better for longer.

Going for physio tomorrow! im walking dreadfully, just in order for me to get about. The mickey taking continues from staff at work. Its welcome and i know that in part they are all trying to help me. I am truly blessed by having such people in my life.

I don't believe in God but i do believe that there is another life after death. I feel there has to be something better than now. I believe that Mikey is in a better place and hope he can look down on us and is with his old friends and breathing easily.
I miss his smile, his laugh, his quick wit, i miss seeing him, i miss just not being in his company. How this does make my heart ache. I miss talking out loud about him because as soon as i do i cry.

I miss Tom and i just wish he could see how lucky he is, i wish he had someone to go home to as well. Lets hope that day will come to. Tom phoned home this week and he has had his house valued so perhaps that will close another chapter in his life and enable him to move on.
What a year this has been and its still only October. The days are creeping by.
I measure the day by getting up and going to work, look at the clock and wait for lunch, look at the clock and return to work, look at the clock and come home, look at the clock and wait to blog, look at the clock and see how long i can sleep for, look at the clock and start again. And yes
Tomorrow is another day, and its Thursday. I hate and dread Thursdays.