Day 46

 I am in a bad place today. A black hole. Its true what they say, that misery enjoys company.

Misery crept up on me unaware today. She stealthily descended until i suddenly felt her icy claws grip me with a savage intensity. She rested on my shoulder, enveloping me in her black cloak while whispering constantly in my ear.

I felt trapped, like a feral cat, hissing and snarling, lashing and swiping with my paws with their claws extended, tail swishing back and forth, looking for my cub, so much anger and distress that he wasn't here. Not resting until he comes back to me. It was with such severe exhaustion that the realisation hit me that he wasn't coming. Retracting claws, head down, tail still, defeated by death. And how misery laughed at my plight. And yet i embraced and welcomed these feelings because at least i was feeling, something, anything except the emptiness that is ever present. This is my alter ego for the day. Not the person who is walking and talking in their physical body. My inner torment not visible to the naked eye. But i know whats there, lurking in the shadows of my mind.

I have said before you need to be a mother who has lost a child to understand my pain. You have to be a mother to be able to imagine my pain.You have to be a mother to love as i do, there is nothing to compare. You have to be a parent to understand me! You have to be a friend to tolerate me. You have to be a friend to forgive me. Because you see, i don't want to be me!

I dread and fear for the person who eventually is responsible for being the trigger that releases my wrath and in some ways i fear for myself and my sanity. I will cross that bridge when needed, i will cope as i always do. Wont i? That damned CF! That thief and torturer of young lives. What is his satisfaction in doing this i wonder.

I thought today would be like the last few days, bearable. I had forgotten that i was going to assess a terminally ill lady, at least for a few minutes when i awoke.
Getting out of bed i managed a few steps without pain. That also returned, the pain i mean.

Arriving at the hospice i thought i managed well. Assessment completed and i seemed in control.

Work, i limped into the office, the staff appeared motivated and certainly busy. There were a few jokes, mainly at my expense!! The word grievance sprung to mind until i verbalised that i could not act on that as staff were of a lower grade than me.The gleam in one of the staff nurses eyes and a rather delightful grin demonstrated i had made a huge error and the harassment would continue. Even i could see the funny side and we all laughed, the atmosphere was good.

I walked to the pool this evening, well got half way and couldn't walk any more. God I'm going to have to ring Tim!! hobbled there knowing that no way would i be able to walk home!!
Swim in cold pool!!! Jacuzzi in hot water, lovely and some physio advice.
Joni bless her took me home. Tim watching football, a bit of facebook and wham!

That's when misery descended. Its Tuesday!

So here i am, sitting and waiting. I cant help it, i cant help it. Why am i tormenting myself like this. I don't know. When will it stop,and that worries me because is that when i start to forget, that scares me.

I miss Mikey. I miss being his mum, i miss my baby son.

Tomorrow is yet, another day......................