I'm so tired today. in fact not sure if i can do this today.
Yesterday has left me feeling emotionally drained. How can people be so cruel. If there is anyone reading this who has a child in a relationship just remind them what its like to be a parent. Mother love never dies.
i opened the rucksack that was given to me yesterday. Well thanks for the thought Claire but consider what you removed from my home and what you gave me. Are you sure you could spare the items!!! Actually I'm grateful and I'm sure if you realised the pink t shirt was one of our favourites, we loved mike in that and have photo of him wearing it on screen saver. So that's good.
You said Mike didn't have much and that's very true, i wonder why, maybe your singing lessons, clothes make up etc oh and all the bills. Yep that must be why. Am i bitter. Up to yesterday no. Now I'm sure i am. What a bitch. I'm sorry Mike but you are not here now and we respected your wishes then but not now. Even you would have been horrified by my treatment.
I couldn't believe some of the things that came out of that mans mouth, and he called me evil. Well if the cap fits i suppose I'm wearing it!! Hey Ho.
To think that he said he was pleased that she had someone else so soon and that she was going to live her life as she should do and has she should have done!! when she got her new lungs. well I'm certainly all for that but couldn't she have had the decency to have spent time with him the week he was waiting for the op. After all he was told that it was very likely he would not survive the op. And that all she could spare mike that week was a few hours on the Wednesday. I told him he should have seen Mike that week and he would have seen how it was tearing him to pieces. Her Father didn't appear to realise that she had visited just the once.
I'm sure she will say to herself and convince herself that Mikey would have said that was alright. He most probably would have said it because he knew that's what she wanted to hear and he wouldn't risk hurting her. What a bloody shame!!!
Her father said that he knew how i felt as he had gone through almost losing Claire, yes i said you did, the difference is that she lived! and where was mike during this time. With her he said he gave her a reason to live. Yes and where was she when Mike needed her?
I realise that marriages split up regardless of cf or not. It was the way it was done. She knew mike was dying was giving him a few weeks of hope to much to ask?? apparently so. That will haunt her every day i hope. Spiteful, unkind downright nasty. Yes I'm all of those things and make no apologies for my feelings. Because that's what this blog is about. My experiences and my feelings, nothing more and nothing less. One side of a story. There are always two, it just so happens this is mine.
I could go on about the rest of our conversation but on leaving the thing he said to me and the smug way in which he handed me the rucksack and said i wasn't having anything else, Joni said what about the lap top and he said no nothing, Joni said said but mike wanted his mum to have it. Shes not having it was the reply. With that i called him a bastard, opened my bag and found the bill for Mikes flowers that Claire had ordered and she had asked me to pay for when she was sent the bill to her house. I had happily paid and Claire said she would pay me when she saw me. I had up to that very moment not considered asking for the money but i thrust the bill at him and asked him for the money!! I said at least she can do is pay for her own husbands flowers!! and he did. I also told him that if ever he ends up in a situation when he loses one of his children he will remember today.
I also cursed him and his and said he would never have any peace in his life and nor would anyone else. He just said well its a good job he didn't believe in all that. I told him he would rue the day. Because he will always have doubt as to whether the ashes in the casket are Mike or not. That's because he is comparing his standards against mine. I told him that today i have done the Honorable thing but they certainly didn't.
Was i mad!! at that moment i think i was, do i regret saying it, no i don't. Am i proud of my behaviour absolutely not. Am i less a person than i was, no. I became the person they always see me as in their mind so i guess they can now sit at home saying that she showed her true colours. Well if that's the case didn't we all. How very sad. That this is all about loving someone.
Claire who weeks ago was going to renew her marriage lines? well that's what she posted on Mikes page for all to see, and all the time she was seeing someone else. She should have gone on the stage!! her act has been something else.
How Mike died in her arms, yes he did but she forgot to say that she was texting on her phone at the same time! That her dad was in the room and didn't have the courtesy to give Tim and i privacy for his final hours. My god that girl has got to grow up and learn to live independently. Daddy isn't always going to be there and then what.
Joni bless her said maybe they will now feel bad that they didn't honour me because they didn't think i would keep my word. Bless her I'm afraid where there is no conscience that will not happen. They are will be oblivious of anyone else but themselves.
I am going to put closure on my blog to that and will now concentrate in trying to grieve properly. Maybe that's whats wrong with me.
I hope if anyone out there is having similar problems they will get some comfort in knowing they are not alone. I wish i knew of someone else who has had as much added distress surrounding a loss.
I'm moving on, i have some fantastic friends who know me and love me warts and all make no judgements but just waiting for my storm to pass. They will be waiting for me in those calm peaceful place. I hope i get there soon. Wait for me i may be while, and so
Tomorrow is another day...............
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