Day 39

What a very strange day it has been!!

It all started at 0640hrs when i awoke for no reason. This you may think is not unusual, however for me its very rare!!! I haven't slept well and getting to sleep has been a major problem for me. So have been up on this facebook and have been having my nightly sessions with Roger. This is then followed by a read of a good book for several hours. Usually trying to get of to sleep around 0300hrs. The results being me having problems actually waking up!! Not today.
I had a bit of a headache and took a couple of pills, thought about going back to bed but decided to make Tim a cup of tea and take it to him in bed. Duly done, and i sat in the lounge with mine considering having a few more minutes. It was then that i surprised myself by getting on my running kit and going out for an early morning jog and getting Tim a newspaper. Absolutely unheard of, and as i was pounding the streets kept asking myself what on earth are you doing Sue? I must mention that i decided to power walk and not jog because i had this thought that there was obviously some chemical in balance going on in my head. I may pass out through lack of sustenance, well that was my excuse!!
Arriving home Tim was in the kitchen and said what have you been up to? i said did you wonder where i was? Tim said he heard the door go but no car so guessed i may have gone for a walk and what possessed me. Ah now theres a word, maybe i had been possessed, lets hope its by that chap who did the four minute mile. Bannister i think his name was.

Preparing for work i decided to wear a dress!!! not something i usually do but going to the wardrobe i pulled it out and put it on. Possessed now by whom i wonder. I never wear dresses for work. For the rest of the day i could be seen dragging it down by the hem and asking my poor administrator Carol relentlessly if i looked like a hooker! I was reassured numerous times until she called me a tart and Kay also in despair called me Lilo Lil. Well i think that just about put things in perspective and became somewhat comfortable with my appearance. However this was with and hour to go before leaving work!!

I felt so alive today and not at all tired. As though i was someone else, and she was livable with. I could cope with her today, in fact i quite liked her!!!

The day went well, i had few people call in and ask how i was and how sorry they were to hear about Mikey and i coped. I didn't discuss him though and its strange because its as if you don't talk about it  then its not happened. Is this worrying, is this a method of coping, will it come back to bite me later?? Goodness knows but it enabled me to get through he day.

I got home about 5.30pm had a cup of tea, nipped up the library whilst Tim made me a sandwich. Home ate sandwich quickly got into swimming costume, ummm not such a struggle. I bought a costume that has tummy control. Its an absolute pig to get in and out but i liked to think it did something for me!!! Have you ever tried to get an item of clothing off that's too tight and wet?? not an easy task i can tell you. It usually resulted in me stumbling and lurching into the cubicle walls trying to get the damn thing off. So it was with some surprise that i managed to get it on fairly easily. I didn't need to cross my legs to get it on over my thighs and hips. What is it about some women who try to make their body as narrow as possible to enable a tiny piece of fabric to go over it. Why not just buy the bigger size. Not so likely. Still on reflection my running pants do look much better having bought by mistake the correct size for me!! I digress.
Off and ready to go to the pool its 6.40pm and i need to be there for 6.45pm. Brisk walk and i was there on time!!
Good to get back into the water but found it hard because its a Tuesday Tim and Mike night! Still buzzing. We coped well having not been for sometime and some of the ladies said how nice it was to see Joni and i back swimming.

Home for 815pm and then it hit me. Not in mind, but i thought of Mike and i could feel my stomach clench and this overwhelming feeling of loss,. I became strangely more than one person. There was me having this physical sensation and there were two other voices in my head having a conversation between themselves, one saying no, no, don't think about it, don't think about it continuously like a mantra and the other voice saying stop it stop it to the voice that's chanting and i was just an observer. I cant remember when it stopped and i emerged but it was the most odd sensation. Am i going mad? 
I can visualise Mikey, i see him sitting up in his hospital bed and smiling even though he had his drain in, then i can see him coughing, that damn cough that robbed him of his breath and the physical effort made just to get a breath in, head tipped back, chin up trying to stop the cough trying to breathe and battling to get over the episode. We waited unable to help and watching this struggle, powerless to help, unable to reassure. Useless. What words could we say to make him feel better. Absolutely none. Then the exhaustion that follows and Mikey unable to converse with us just wanting to sleep.

So i gathered myself together and stopped thinking. Blank nothing going on in the upper storey at all, watched TV for an hour. Watched being the operative word, what it was about i haven't a clue.
It was whilst i sat there that i felt something on my big toe!! What on earth is that. Through my sock i felt a lump, a round lump and quite firm. My first thought was damn me I've got a verruca from swimming, only been out of the water for an hour and that's what you get. On closer inspection this pea size lump was in fact the size of a lentil and was a blister on the inside of my big toe. Where did that come from. Anyway it could be my first injury from this jogging/walking business. I shall have to see. Anyway its padded and wrapped and I'm going to do my usual 3 miles with Rog.

I wonder how i will be tomorrow. If I'm as high as i was today then i pity the staff i work with. What if i come down with a bang though. Are these normal feelings and emotions that the bereaved feel. I don't know. But i feel like I'm on a roller coaster going goodness only knows. Lets hope i don't come off the rails. Maybe someone will notice if my behaviour becomes more bizarre and tell me.

Tom phone today and spoke to Tim and said his blood results were all OK and Tim said he seemed a bit more positive today. He has someone coming to value the house next week. This has been because when Ashley left him she decided to go bankrupt and the creditors took over her half of the house! Tom really has been given a poor hand where his marriage is concerned. Lets hope it goes OK next week and he can hopefully move on a bit further and feel more secure about his accommodation..

Right then Rogers calling and Tomorrow is another day.