Day 58

My oh my, today has been without doubt the worst ever.

What is the point in living i ask my self. That's so sad coming from me and certainly the most selfish thought i can have. But its what i feel today. But do i mean it. Well no is the answer but its because I'm really struggling to come to terms with all that's going on.

This whole grieving process is crap!!! I don't know from one day to the next how it will manifest itself. Upsetting Tim seems to be the problem at the moment.

I cant do right for doing wrong and he feels the same.

Picnics by the waters edge was a disaster. We ended up not agreeing with what to do with my time off. Tim thinks we should go away every weekend. I just want to chill. Tim says we can if we go away perhaps in a camper van or something. I'm happy to do that on the odd occasion but Tim then says its a waste if we don't use it all the time. I tried to say that when I'm finished work I'm to knackered to get ready and go away and then be out all week end. Tim thinks i could still be fine. I said if i was at home all week then i would want to do something at the week ends. That went down like a ton of bricks as did my comment that if he wanted to go away for a week i wouldn't mind, or stop in  static van for a week and i would come at the weekend. That wasn't right either. Tim said i was more or less saying he could go and be on his own and he was trying to think of things to do together. I don't know.
Then about going away, he said why don't we book a week away. I said well Ive just had two weeks holiday and only been back at work for two weeks i just cant catch up. It would be better if i booked some long weekends. Still not right either of us. Not sure what will happen. Neither of us seem to be getting it right don't even know what we are trying to achieve. At the end of the day we will still have all of our feelings and this process to work through.

What i am aware of now as well not sure if its good idea to go up to Mikes next week end or not. Should i just put closure to it all and just keep what i have and to hell with the consequences. That's my true felling at this time. But if i get message i will change my mind, I'm just such a sucker or mug really.

We have not been offered anything of Mikes belongings. I have asked but that's not the same. Even then I'm not sure if i will get the two items i would like, Tim would have liked his watch and Tom has nothing at all and yet Claire has asked for Mikes ashes. That's is the rub. I was going up with them this weekend but Claire has said its Abbies birthday so i didn't want to spoil that day. The other thing was Claire had said that she had not yet cleared Mikes laptop and couldn't find the charger for his Camera. Two items i would like. Mike asked if i wanted his spare laptop before he died. I told him i would let him know after the op. The camera because he bought that after he and Claire split up and our love for photography was something we shared.( Mike also told us about the other person in Claire's life and i don't think even he would have thought that life would move on quite as quickly for Claire as it has.)  I said i would go up the following week end with his ashes. That's 6 days away.
I then discovered that Claire had been in touch with the funeral director the next day and asked if she could collect them. Not a word to me. The ashes actually legally belong to me now and Claire will have to ask me for them.

I don't know now if I'm going to go up, i really don't. I cant go to hell for thinking like this can i? I'm already there!!

Oh well i suppose i better try and get some sleep.
Tomorrow is another day.......................