Misery was waiting for me before i was properly awake and rode my shoulders like a tempest all day.
I had such hopes that the road to recovery was mine, but not to be, well not just yet anyway.
I am going through the motions of living and Tim seems to be coping so much better than i am. I'm not sure if that's a front or if its the real thing. Sometimes i can hardly communicate with him and today is one of those days. Me against the world, and hey the world is winning.
Its so very tempting just to shut the world out. I drag myself through the days. Some days are better than others. Not today.
I can hear voices telling me that 'its what Mike would have wanted, I'm doing what Mikey would want me to do' but how do i really know that. And i should be doing what i want to do shouldn't i.
I just wonder sometimes that if we remove the surface skin of a human what would we find underneath. Beauty is only skin deep, whoever said that initially, really understood human nature. How does the deception become uncovered though. That is the biggest mystery to me.
I have become more questioning of late. I have, thanks to this blog been looking at the inner me. I don't always like what i find but each layer reveals part of my make up. Is anyone ever satisfied with who they are i wonder. I'm like an onion and they make you cry too. At the moment I'm enough to make a saint weep!!
i have at last put some photos on face book so that's another job done. Still more to do. I'm sitting in Mikes room, the drawing he did for his GCSE has slipped in its frame, and i should undo the back of the frame and straighten it, but i cant bring myself to do it yet. His bed sits lonely and empty. Mike would come home and lay on top of the bed, cover himself with his fleece blanket and sleep for a while. I'm sitting in front of the computer he would use when he came home. I haven't been able to open his drawers or look in the cupboards and yet i so much want to smell his scent and touch him. I can at least stroke his hair. The nurse at the hospital snipped a bit off for us and put it in a card. I can also lay my hand over his hand print that they took. Its a small comfort, but comfort it is.
Mikey loved this photo of us together we had been away on holiday. I wish we could turn the clock back, but that's not to be. I wonder if Tim and I will ever have that look on our faces again. I can hope.
Tomorrow is another day.......................
No comments:
Post a Comment