Day 38

Work today.
It was with some concerns that i returned to work, having been away fr sometime i wondered if i would feel uncomfortable. The staff had done such a good job without me that i wondered if i would feel out of place.

Well i didn't need to worry, i was welcomed back with huge embrace and it was such a joy. Bev Nick, Carol. Linda and Kay i cant express how it felt to be back with these very special people. I was just me, it was though a huge cloud had lifted and that also reflected on home life later in the evening, but i will come to that later.

I think because we have been able to put our house in order to some degree has helped, going to the bank, agreeing to the draft will has given us a bit of inner peace knowing that Tom shouldn't have to worry and where to find things!!

Tim was very brave letting me lose in the bank by myself. Money and i do not get on well together!! If i have £10 in my purse i think i am well off, if i have nothing in my purse i worry. Never mind whats in the bank!!! As long as i have that Cash in my purse i do not think about it at all. Good job Tim does.
Well basically one of the accounts was for me to have in my name. My goodness. She asked what my monthly income was and would you believe i had no idea. I never look at the pay slips!! Well the questions she asked that any preforming animal could answer, fell on stony ground, no they fell on gravel!!!
Would you like a cheque book she asked. Why do i need one i asked, don't i get one of those cards. Yes she said but you never know, if you cant get money out you would need a cheque. But says i , i only want to put the money in!!!
Stupid, stupid me!! It gets worse.Would you like to do banking on line, why i asked are you closing. The look on the poor woman's face was a picture. And theres more!!! Mrs Ward she says it just enables you to check your account. Umm my sons do that but is it really safe? Oh yes look this is what you do. Well the next thing she said, we would provide you with one of these. She produced something that resembled a calculator and one of the debit card machines. I have to say i recoiled in terror. Oh no i don't think so, its easy she said, just put card in here, and PIN and the account number. And the pin is different each time, we can give you lessons on how to use it. On your bike i thought, anyone who works with me will tell you that machines of any description especially if money is involved give me the heebeegeeb's.

I was in the bank 1.5.hours just doing that!!! I'm sure when i left the building she must have gone to her colleague's and said, that woman really is not safe to be out on her own. Do you know i think she may be correct. How i managed to do an ISA as well astounds me. We will have to wait and see when everything comes through in the post.

The bank episode managed to take my mind off the letter that Tim received this morning from the Department of Works and Pensions.

I had gone home for lunch prior to going to the bank. Tim showed me the letter. It was so upsetting. The letter was saying how sorry they was about the loss of our son but he had been paid 4 days too much benefits and they wanted it returned to them, They enclosed a giro for us to send the payment back!! How insensitive was that!! Tim phoned them to ask why it had been sent to him. The person who he spoke to apologised profusely, Tim explained that Mikey didn't like owing anything and of course if it was Tims responsibility he would pay without question, but Mikey was married and his wife would be dealing with his personal affairs, unless she asked Tim to do so. The letter will be sent to his home address now. That's going to be difficult for Claire i expect. Still the payment Mike received he would not have used anyway so I'm sure that's still sitting in his account unless Claire has closed them.
I am so angry. You read about all of these people who owe thousands through fraud etc and here they are with poor Mikey only been dead for 6 weeks chasing for the money. He couldn't even get free prescriptions!! The B*******

I came home and had a cup of tea and we went out for a walk we walked about 4 miles tonight so no run i am  however going on Roger when i have finished my blog, just to ensure i walk at speed for a bit. I am going back to my swimming tomorrow. I went to see Mikey on the Tuesday before his op and he was so surprised that i was visiting. Tuesdays and Thursdays were always Mike and Dad night. When we walked in that evening he was on his nippy and couldn't talk so made swimming motions with his arms. It was quite funny really. Mikey felt so well that night, he was on the nippy and he said he hadn't felt that good for weeks he could breathe. We had taken him a loads of Sour Chewits. They were his favourites and the only thing he was really enjoying.
The next day he had another collapsed lung due to the nippy and had to come off it. That was really sad for him because he felt so good.
The collapse on the Wednesday was particularly bad and they did find it difficult to get him comfortable. So that was why he had two chest drains in before his operation.

Today i did feel better. I think because work has enabled me to think about other things and the day flew past. I was also able to vent anger towards these unseen beings who sent out mail with no thought for the recipient.

Tim once again has been more open and talking about Mikey and how he coped. Tim also asked why i was blaming myself for Mikeys death. He feels that why I'm not coping as well as i perhaps could. Tim said he didn't understand why i could think like that. I had been a good mum and couldn't have done more. I didn't think that's what i have been doing but maybe in some perverse way i am. Beating myself up with a stick over a situation where i had no control. Well that's a thought for another day.
I told Tim that i had been trying really hard not to get upset or to be miserable and he said i was bound to have good days and bad and i wasn't to pretend i am OK. Just take each day at a time. Tim also said he wasn't looking forward to Christmas and would tell Tom not to bother with Xmas presents. I wondered if we would also be spoiling Toms Xmas as well. But we have time to think about that but i really think Xmas decorations etc will not be put up this year. I don't have the heart. I'm so glad Mikey was with us last year for Xmas though. We have the photos of him sleeping on the sofa!! and having his Xmas lunch.

Well i better get on Roger to do my jogging for the night and we will see how things are tomorrow. After all it is another day!!