I think when we got up this morning we both made a concious effort to communicate.
The weather was overcast but we decided to go for a walk and we were chatting as we walked. Our moods for some reason were much lighter than they have been for the past few days.
Tim started to talk about Mikey and it was a comfortable conversation and i didnt feel weepy. Thats a first. Tim also talked about his feelings and that he felt as though there was nothing left for him except Tom. If it wasnt for that he said he felt like going home and putting the gas oven on so we could both go to sleep. Tom is hugely important to us, and i suppose all the last posts have been about me, Tim and Mikey.
Tom as a sibling must have felt left out during his life with CF. It must have seemed as though our lives concentrated on that. Yet we were very concious that Tom shouldnt feel left out. I joined him in as many external activities as i could. I dont even know if he enjoyed them!!! I just wanted him to be involved with something that was just for him.
Tims mum and dad were so important to Tom and i never felt uncomfortable that Tom would go to see them at every opportunity. They made him feel special, and oh they did so love him. When they died i think Tom felt their loss more than anyone. They died when Tom was 13yrs old.
Tom rang us nearly every day not to see how we were but to see how Mikey was. Tom feels very angry that Mikey didnt get his transplant and that the NHS let him down. He wants to knoew why they dont give those with CF new lungs before they reach a stage when its critical to their survival. I couldnt answer that. It does however make you quetion that. after all they know that the condition worsens and the only option is a transplant. Yes i think Tom has a valid point. Tom rarely contacted Mikey and we know that it upset Mikey that they were not closer. I wonder if that was Toms way of coping with the CF if he didnt see it it wasnt happening. I wonder if he will have problems later. Tom said that he doesnt think that it has hit him yet and that hes not going to think about it. Tom has said that he doesnt want any children. I wonder if he is afraid that they will have CF.
Tom is living so far away from us and lives on his own since his marriage broke up. He is a lovely hansome young man. He is very deep and its difficult to knw what he really thinks. We know he is hurting but find it so hard to help him. Tom is very lonely and he doesnt make friends easily like Mikey. Mikey had such a big personality and Tom did say after Mikey died that it would have been easier if it had been him that died because he wouldnt have been missed so much. That was so sad to hear. Giving Tom reasurrance that Mikey wouldnt have thought that was hard. Mikey once said that he never wished he didnt have CF because that was what made him the person he was.
What is it about those with CF that makes you so humble in their presence. Their courage in the face of adversity is astounding. The pain and suffering they endure daily should make us ashamed of ourselves.
We went for another walk later today and saw someone running, Tim said why dont you go out tonight and give it a go.
So i did and i managed to run well. Although it was run for one track on the ipod and walk a track i felt really proud of myself. I then had another 2 miles on Roger this evening!!!
Today when i thought of Mikey my stomach lurched and i took a deep breath in and tried to think of something else. Its been hard today but we really have made an effort.
I bought Tim Seals latest CD because i know he likes them. I also bought him a DVD and when asked why i said winters coming and you can save them up for a bad day when im at work.
Im going back to work tomorrow!!!! and i Think Tim will feel more lonely. I hope he can keep himself occupied. I hope i can manage work but i really must now try to get some normality in my life. I like order and maybe that whats been wrong too.
Well we will see how things go after all
Tomorrow is another day
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