Day 126

I'm keeping this fairly short tonight. I'm going to selfishly ponder through my memories, hold them close, carefully wrap them in velvet and put them away and hide for a while, holding them tight, but that is for after this blog.

Its the end of a year and the beginning of another.

Last year brought us so much sadness and i live in hope that this coming year will be better for us all. We have climbed mountains, almost drowned in the depths of despair and have basked in the joy of new friendships.

Alone in the garden tonight. I set off another lonely lantern to Mikey. This time though i had Tom on the end of the phone and he was with me whilst i lit the wick, almost set the paper lantern and myself alight before it took of towards the heavens. Picked the phone up from the floor and amid the sound of fireworks exploding and the clock chiming i was in touch with both of my sons. One in spirit and one by distance. A sad lonely figure looking skyward as the lantern dodged the rockets flying towards it. Closely followed by other lanterns that had been set off too. I spoke to Tom for almost an hour. I missed Mikeys call!

I have gained a very special person this year and hope we will remain friends for life. In some ways she has become a distant daughter, how lovely is that. I wish her so much joy and happiness and i know that would be Mikeys wish for her too.

So i embrace 2011. New tasks ahead, new goals to meet. I wonder what it will hold for us? Well tomorrow is another day, the first of many i hope.................

Day 125

I'm even later today!!! and i cant blame Roger for that!!! Its work!!

Woke to more fog today not nice when i have to drive to the new city hospital to do assessments! but hey ho!

Journey was a nightmare. For some reason i just started crying as i was driving!! nothing triggered off my sadness that i was aware of unless it was the thought of going into a busy hospital setting? I don't know, but driving whilst crying in foggy conditions is a no no!! Had to pull myself together.
Arrived at the hospital, parking!!! only place i could get a spot was in the sexually transmitted disease clinic car park. But I'm not proud!!!! and i didn't have to pay car park fee. Apparently the barriers are up and not working in that car park, umm i wonder why?

Into the hospital and i can only describe it as a tardis!!! must have been a man who designed it and was suffering from delusional episodes. My word!!!
Before embarking on a route march around the hospital to find the wards, nature called. Now that was another experience. All i can say is that their toilets are not for the vertically challenged!! i felt like a child at their first school!! Yea gods!!! could have done with a step stool.
Did the stairs thought it would be good for me, did the stairs, did the stairs again and then yet again. Mistake!!!!!

Managed to get home for 1330hrs and discovered that i had had a phone call, they rang back. It was a member of the Athletic club who confirmed i could do a taster session to see how i get on at 0830hrs on Sunday morning!!! Best buy a sports bra i think.
Well Mikey it looks as if we may be off and running 2012 here we come!!!!! Was that a twinge i felt in my back just then!

Swimming tonight, am i mad! challenge from my sisters accepted. What have we let ourselves in for. They are going out of their way to keep me fully occupied in the new year. That's going to be so hard New Years eve.
Mikey always text us or phoned us so i will miss that. I do still have on my mobile his message from last year so i will be looking at that at midnight tomorrow.
What a dreadful year we have had, a year to remember, i am hoping against hope that 2011 will be better. The only down side is that Mikey will be missing from our lives.

Tom phoned and , that's another story for tomorrow!!!

Ive just returned from work and its 0200hrs and i still have one more assessment to write up. Never do it I'm to tired. Tomorrow is another day...................

Day 124

I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.

Well that's what exercise does for you. Just done 3 miles on Roger and I'm raring to go except its 0200hrs!! Work tomorrow, or should i say today.

Its been hard getting back to work and its been a long day! Walking home tonight in the fog, people walking towards you just a shadowy shape. Unable to distinguish if they are male or female until they are on top of you! Scary. I heard geese flying overhead and yet could see nothing. Just hearing their calls to each other. Not able to see their formation that wonderful v shape as the poor leader struggles against the wind, all the others in his wake. No doubt they were trying to find their way to Welney.

I have noticed the crows have started nest building already!!!! I have to say i don't know what that means when they are so early. The nests are high though so lets hope for another good Summer.
The nights have started to draw out. Yes i know its still dark at 3.30pm but it is changing. With the longer days and lighter evenings Spring doesn't seem so far away. Spring heralds new beginnings, so here is hoping.

Mikey remains forever in our thoughts and with that now January is fast approaching so is my need to get fit and prepare for 2012. I know i keep saying it but it is my focus to concentrate on something positive to start the New Year.

Made a phone call today about joining an Athletic club and all being well will start on Sunday!!! 8.30 in the morning!! lets hope i get there. Tim remains doubtful, he really doesn't think i will do this. Lets hope i prove him wrong.
Hope seems to be the word for this blog tonight!! Hope my back holds up. I just want to raise some money for the CF unit at Papworth in Mikeys memory. That's my aim and i do have a lot of support and people who are giving me encouragement. I need as much as i can get!!!

Well its a short blog tonight but tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 123

What started as a dull day turned into a very interesting one.

Rain this morning and the fens are so depressing!! That's rich coming from me. I love the fens usually but today the roadsides are like mud. What grass there is looks dirty and dull. The berries are missing from most of the trees and hedgerows so even they look miserable.
The roads well... now the frost has gone we can see the damage caused by the harsh weather conditions and poor tarmac!! Huge gouges in the roads, tarmac lifted in places making them a nightmare to drive on. Thank goodness i no longer ride my motorbike otherwise i would have been off I'm sure. Apart from that, my leathers don't fit me anymore. But maybe in the summer!!!!

Tried to get a camera today but it would appear its best to go on the Internet so Amazon here i come!!

A walk into town this afternoon, checking out the two shops where i maybe able to purchase something from.

Found a couple of tops and a diary for next year! Goodness no calender yet, but it doesn't really matter does it. Who wants to know what day it is anyway. Well i better look for one then cos yes i really do need to know if its Monday or Sunday!! I keep saying all the days seem the same and they do.
Next, find a foundation. Superdrug and what happened there made my blood boil!!!

Minding my own business, checking out the products, so many to choose from. In came a couple of girls who rushed round the corner and started shouting. They then ran past me saying they would kick her head in outside. Not nice teenagers. Walking round the corner there was this pretty little girl crying and a shop assistant saying to her that the girls had gone and they wouldn't let them back in. Bullys!!!! i cannot abide them.

The young girl continued to cry but was trying hard not to. I couldn't help myself and asked her if there was anything i could do. She was afraid to go outside. I asked her if she could phone someone and she hadn't got a phone. Can you get your mum? You can use my phone. Only to be told that she doesn't live with  her mum and her dad was not at home. Her grandad had a car but he always drinks in the afternoons. The young lady didn't come from here originally so had no real family to help. What about a friend? They came up town with me but they were with the girl who picked on me cos they were frightened of her. Not real friends then!!

The young lady said thank you but she would be alright in a little while. Paying for my purchases the two shop assistants kept going outside to see if the bully had gone. Apparently well know by these women as their children attend the same school. The young lady came to the tills and was worried about getting to the bridge just in case they were waiting. I said i would walk her home if that would make her feel better and i did so after telling the shop assistants who i was and letting the young lady that i had no ulterior motive! Well you cant be too careful these days when you help somebody!!.
 What a horrible day for her. I just wish that bully was waiting. Adult or not i would have had to have told her what i thought. She was 13years old!! I'm still furious now.

Mikey was so lucky, he went through school with no bullying. I guess that's because he was so well liked.

Went for our walk tonight and went right round Creek Road. Its an old part of town. It was getting foggy across the fields and as we approached the the railway crossing the barriers came down, the red warning lights a fuzzy glow and across the fields we could see the train. The carriage lights like two slits of pale yellow showing us its movement towards us. Spooky. I think we walked for 3 miles chatting away about all and sundry. Tim reminiscing about the walks he used to have with the dogs before we had children. That seems such a long time ago and yet only a moment. Time, where has it gone.

Tonight, i walked 3 miles on Roger!! so i think i have done well today!!!  i feel quite alive!! The first time in a long time. Exercise is good for you after all. I need to work hard now and must focus on 2012!!! it will creep up without me knowing.

I managed to look at some of Mikeys old papers he kept here. Its surprising when you rummage what you find. Memories stored away just waiting to be found. I took pleasure out of them. It felt good. Am i healing. Grieving i know means heavy burden, is it lifting am i now finding my way out of this darkness. I hope so because i have felt lost. If exercise is the key... so be it, we will see. After all Tomorrow is another day

Day 122

Another day has passed. I have slept most of the day and have just come to!!

Its been a strange day really, that's another one!! Went for a long walk again and we talked about Mikey all the time. In some ways its been good. We can at least talk about how Mikey must have been feeling, his marriage breakdown and how he gave up on life.

We noticed a real deterioration in his health after they split up the first time, and we don't think he really recovered from that. I know i have spoken about this before in my earlier blogs but at least now i am more rational i think!!
Mike pushed himself to the limits in order to keep up with Claire but his body just could not tolerate that continued punishment. In the end he was just so tired both emotionally and physically. Mikey knew that this last time really was the end.
That's what i find so hard to deal with really. Why Claire just wouldn't let us have his belongings. What on earth does she want with them. The photographs which are ours that Mikey took home with him are irreplaceable to us. What use are they to her and why cant she let us have them? i don't know but i do appreciate that she will not let us have anything of Mikes. Sad isn't it.
Maybe if she ever becomes a parent she will look back to this time, i doubt that though. In order to do that you have to have a conscience and Claire does not have one in my opinion.

There were two items in Mikes room here that he always had a small ornament and his bear that spoke i think they bought each other one. Claire took both of those things from here without a thought to how i felt. What could i say to her on the day. Now there really isn't anything that meant anything to him.
I even allowed his friend to go into his room but according to Claire he said i was not very nice on that day. That i really don't understand. We know how much Mikey thought of Mitch and would never have offended him. We even asked Claire if he should come in the funeral car with us.

A 25yr old was discovered dead on Christmas day after being missing for a week. How dreadful is that our hearts go out to her parents. What memories Christmas will have for them in the future, how very sad. I would hate to be them. At last I'm beginning to have thoughts for other people. The parents of the two brothers who died in a car accident the same day as Micheal what ever must this Christmas been like for them, i cannot begin to imagine.

So today i slept, a sign of depression? or a sign of over eating more like!!

Training today!!! gosh limbs are like jelly. How quickly you slide back when you miss a few weeks. It looks as though it will be back to the start again. Oh well not to worry.

Tomorrow is another day.......................

Day 121. Boxing day

Another day over with. We made it!!

Sun shining this morning . Packed lunch and made a flask Off to the coast for a walk. Tim changed his mind and we went of to Hunstanton.
It was really fresh and the wind blowing off the sea. There had been some high tides because the promenade was strewed with pebbles and red brick. It looked like the cliffs were eroding and the debris scattered on the beach. A shame we missed the tide coming in. Never mind there is always another day. We had a good walk and then sat in the car in the sun watching the world go by. A nice ride home and i fell asleep as usual!!

We spent a quiet afternoon, Tom rang to say how pleased he was with the car. I read a book and Tim watched a DVD of Porridge one of Mikes favourite episodes. They would both roar with laughter when watching it.

A walk out this evening, i was wearing one of these ski hats. I looked a right dilly but my ears were warm. Whilst walking we reminisced about last Christmas and how ill Mikey looked. Why didn't we see this coming we asked ourselves. Tim said if he had one regret it is that he never sat down and asked Mikey if he was frightened of dying or was there anything he could do for him. I think Mikey protected us really.

We do know that whatever had happened following his op if he hadn't got the transplant Mikey would still not have been with us today.

His lungs were so bad they discovered once he had the op that he would only have been made comfortable. The Nippy would not have been an option. Mikey would have only had weeks to live, although that wasn't known before his op, there was hope that all would be well.

So there could have been a few outcomes. He would have sailed through and all the stones removed from his kidneys and he would have been put on the list for transplant and he would have got the lungs in weeks. Not much chance of that realistically.
He would have woken from the op to learn that he had not had the stones removed and then no hope of transplant and no hope of going back on the nippy. His lungs would still have continued to collapse. All they could do was make him comfortable. He would have been aware.

Mikey didn't want to die like so many of his friends did. He told his consultant that. To live each day getting worse and being dependant on the nurses for everything. To be in pain and to be lonely. Too much time to think about what was happening and too much time to be sad.

So for Mikey to die like he did, was perhaps the kindest of ways. Tim thinks so.

Enough of that now. Its time to move forward as well as we can. Its time i hope to start remembering the good times we had if possible. Tim said today that he thinks of Mikey every day as do i and yet we don't tell each other that. Maybe we don't want to upset each other. Again maybe our walks out will help us talk about it more.

Perhaps 2011 will be our healing year. I do hope so. With the Olympics in 2012 not being so very far away then!!

Back on the road next week and then real efforts to be made with my fitness and join the athletics club. At my age!! oh well if i succeed it will all be worth it. I have lots of support and i hope they will push me if i get a bit sluggish with training next year. Bring it on, I'm ready. But then again................ Tomorrow is another day!!

Day 120. Christmas Day

Well we tried to be different today and to some degree we have been. It really has been just another day!

Tim woke early and he was off and away to fetch Tom home. He left at 0545hrs to go to Doncaster!! Well i went back to the settee with a cup of tea and my book. The plan was to get up at 0800hrs. Oh my goodness thank goodness for Kay!!! The phone rang and Kay rang just to ask if we were OK and oh my word it was 0945!!!  I had fallen asleep and Tim would be home soon. No dinner prepped!!! Ran around whilst talking to Kay and thanking her profusely for phoning whilst she was apologising for ringing!!!! 'No, no that's fine' as i was putting the kettle on, trying to run a shower and find my underwear, strip the settee, open the curtains etc!!!!! Just made it before they got home and made a jelly!!!! All before 1020hrs. Sure was a different start to our usual Christmases.

Tom loved his car etc and we loved the digital photo frame he bought us. No fuss just us. Tom said its just another day now. Tom works and has no family and he said it just doesn't have the same feel about it. Its true. I thought i would find it so hard today but all in all its been bearable. I do think that's because we just have not gone all out to look and act seasonal. The sun was shining and the white stuff gone. So not like winter at all.

We spent a quiet day just chatting and looking at the photos on the digital frame. Tom set it up for us. i still had the pics of last Xmas day on the camera and we were a little sad when we saw them but we continued to talk. Of course the conversation led to certain family members, but not to upset us and we certainly have not missed them today, that was good. Tim took a couple of photos of me and Tom but we were so surprised and were not ready for the outcome. Initially Tim was looking at the house next door then he couldn't see at all so we said press and hope. Not a pretty site when we looked back on them, but sure gave us something else to talk about. Apart from some of my more interesting snaps. Oops!

Tom wanted to get home because he had left Rocky on his own so we packed his car up and he left around 1630hrs. It was lovely to see him. We just hope he can get a transfer closer to home so we can spend more time together. Lets hope 2011 is better for us all.

Linda and Dave called in to see us this evening and i have to say Dave had us in fits of laughter. Something we didn't imagine doing today. We do not usually see any of my sisters over Christmas so again something totally different. It made a change.

We just has sandwich for tea. Another something different!! I'm usually washing up and preparing tea for ages. It was most odd to be cleared away in minutes!!!

Tom phoned to say he got home OK and that the car ran really well. I do hope it eases his mind in the bad weather. Oh yes including the snow shovel and his new boots. Tom has this tendency just to wear trainers. It was really nice as well to see Tom wearing one of Mickeys old jumpers that he was given before Mikey died. Tom is very sentimental.

Tim then went to bed at 2100hrs because he was so tired. Another change!!!

I am here as usual writing, another change from last year, but i hope this will become a tradition from now on.

We are planning to go to the coast tomorrow, take a packed lunch and walk along the beach. It should be good even if cold but it will get us out of the house.

I am now going to sit by myself and watch a film another new for us!!!

We have managed to get over this first Xmas day but

Tomorrow is another day....................

Day 119 Christmas Eve

I know whats wrong, the colour has gone out of our lives! We are living in a world without that special something that makes us happy.

Today has been very odd, almost surreal. A visit from a very dear friend today was something very special. Friendship like we have is so rare and should be treasured and nurtured it is a true blessing. On Christmas Eve she gave up her time to spend some with me. A busy day and I'm sure she couldn't really spare it. I wonder if she knows how much it meant to me.

A visit to the Dr's and got my hospital results and all is well.

Another visit this time from a friend and her very young daughter.. They bought gifts for me Tim and Tom. When Emily gave me my present she sang to me and then she put her hand up, 'high five?'  It was my undoing. I am afraid i did cry. It was the most beautiful thing she did but it was uncanny that she used that saying because Mikey had those words tattooed on his palm. It was one of the last ones he had done. It was as if he was sending a message. Call it silly but that's how i felt.

Its been strange here at home tonight. Not like Christmas Eve. I have already cooked the Turkey for tomorrow and Tim will be off to Doncaster to fetch Tom. I will be alone for the first time ever on Christmas day. I hope Tim can find his way!! well i have managed to print off a route for him.

I have managed to scan some photos from our old albums tonight they have taken ages.

Its our first Christmas without Mikey so these are some photos of our first Christmas with Mikey.

                                                     Mikey, Me and Tom Xmas 85

                                                      Mikey Xmas 85

                                                Mikey and Tom Xmas 85

                                               Mikey and Grandad Jack Xmas 85

                                            Me Mikey and his first drink Xmas 85

Mikey and Tom Xmas 85

So i will now think about all the firsts more positively.

The church bells of St Wennies have stopped. All is quiet Tim's in bed and I'm alone. I enjoy this quiet time, i can reflect on the day.

Mikey if there is another place and i surely hope there is, then i hope you are up there somewhere with all your friends and family having a good time, breathing easy, walking well and most of all at ease of heart. We love and miss you.

I cant sleep so i will try to read a book! I need to remember that

Tomorrow is just another day...............................                                                                        

Day 118

I feel as though i have been walking in mud this week. Today has been the climax of trying to solve a very difficult situation and has just left me drained. Hopefully i will now be able to concentrate on things that really do matter and no longer waste valuable time on this problem any more. Well we can but hope.

Mikey is constantly in my thoughts and so is Christmas. I know i should not wish time away but am so looking forward to the new year. I am also thinking of my friend Audrey's family and am very aware that they to will be experiencing their first Christmas without her.

I keep thinking about our decorations and how this is the first time in 28 years the house is naked. A bleak house. I wonder if there was another reason behind the title of that very famous book.

I miss the robins the boys made but can not muster the enthusiasm or desire to get them out of the loft.
Tim hasn't said much really, he is just letting me work through this in my own way. I am grateful for that. I know he can see how i am trying to manage. Tonight a comment on the TV resulted in palpitation's the gulping of trying to stop the tears and knowing if they come the flood gates will open.
Misery hasn't got a grip on me at the moment it is grief.  We received a card today and the words are just so right and i do have to share them. A card make get lost but i hope this diary of mine will look after the words for me and this time next year i will re read my blog in the hope that i can see how my life has moved on, or not! The written word is so powerful and often the sender cannot find their own words to say what is in their hearts but a poem often can.

At this time of year

Memories sweet we recall 

Of times full of wonder

Watching new snowflakes fall

How the heart would be lifted

With joy at the sight

As slowly and softly

The land turned to white

So as Christmas is here

This thought warm and true

Filled with hope and encouragement

Comes softly to you

Natures wondrous beauty

Each season departs

But like love it lives on

In our minds and our hearts

And each season to come

Will enrich us ten fold

As new treasures are added

To fond memories of old

I think i will share these words with Mikeys sister. No i had only the boys but Mikey thought of this very special person as his sister, and she was always there for him especially in his darkest days. I can only but love her for that.

Tom now has to work Christmas Eve and Tim is going up to Doncaster to bring him home for the day and then he will be able to drive his car back. Tim has spent all day cleaning it etc.

I cant say i am looking forward at all to tomorrow but we will set off Mikeys lantern and hope if he is watching us feel our love that's being sent to him.

I just have to keep remembering that Tomorrow is another day...............

Day 116/117

I missed yesterday!!! But i was in a real bad place.

If it was just misery i think i would have been able to manage her. I'm used to feeling her draw closer and am in part prepared for the emotions she makes me feel. But yesterday i felt like crawling under a stone  and burying myself deep under the earths surface, awake and watching for the beast that almost ruined me. Staying there until i could counteract his attack. I had nothing to give yesterday. Sucked dry like a husk.

OK so i felt lousy but its only a cold, and yep work was the very pits and that combined with the time of year i suppose was my undoing. Not getting home from work until 0100hrs didn't help and the pounding headache i just fell asleep on the settee again. Now that's becoming a habit!

There was nothing about yesterday that roused in me any interest, camera abandoned on the car seat and nature didn't have me in her thrall. The fens was a bleak lonely place yesterday. My word how we are both missing Mikey.

Enough, begone this wretched mood. Today was another day!!!!

Snow!!! this morning, and the trip to the hospital at lunch time to have echo graph, not looking forward to that. The snow was a good excuse not to attend. However i was foiled in that attempt by my close colleagues who not only told me i had to go but Carol took me!!! The roads were horrendous. The car park in the hospital was bad!!!!!  Still over and done with and was fascinated by watching my heart doing what it does best, beating!!! I think it went OK results should be at the Docs on Friday.

Managed work, don't know how really. I think everyone kept me occupied i cant remember anyone stopping talking around me today. I am blessed by having these people in my life. I wonder if they know at times they have been my salvation.

Late night shopping tonight. No one around and can just wander getting my basic shopping. I looked at the crackers and thought should i get some for Xmas lunch for Tom? i picked up a box but put them back on the shelf. I just cannot get myself over this dread. We all loved Xmas, me more than anyone, the shopping for other people etc but not this year, not this year. Will Tom understand? or will he go back home wishing he never visited. I don't know but i will try on the day.

Tim collected the car today that we have bought Tom. Tim said its strange to do this you know. Its not like a gift really is it? No its not and that's why we have done it. I bought his groceries for him tonight! because i don't know what else to do. At least he wont starve if he gets snowed in again!!

We will go out somewhere boxing day, we think we will walk along the beach at Holkam, we can take a flask!! Hope our colds will have gone by then, I'm sure they will. If Mikey was here we would be worried in case he caught it, thinking should we celebrate on another day?

Tim's sister rang him today and asked how he was and if Tom was coming down for Xmas. Tim said she said they were thinking of him. I expect they will call when i am out. I cant go there, that's a chapter on my life that is finished. I have moved on to the next.

Should i go and get Tom a shovel to go in the back of his car to help him clear the snow? i know he hasn't bothered. Well i will think about that !! Tomorrow is another day..................... 

Day 115

Well winter put on her finest clothing today and breathed her icy breath over the fens last night. Here she is in her glory!! Each tree. shrub. plant, fence and hedge is dressed in her white iron filing appearance. The roads covered with the white powder, the wet patches frozen like glass. How beautiful is the day. Yet no snow. Do we need it. No we have no slushy dirty roads we can walk all be it unsteadily on the pavements without the wet soggy feet at the end of each journey. The freezing fog making the day seem unreal and yet the biting cold seeps through the sturdiest of clothing.

Tim really is not himself. the cold virus has got its grip into him. Its ages since he felt unwell. His cough is the worst and he said lunch time that Mikey endured far far more than he so hes not going to grumble. Paracetamol and cough medicine. Tim said it tasted foul and i told him it must be good then, the more horrible the taste the more effective it is!!! Well my mum said that anyway. Mind you its not working i can hear him barking now! Another sleepless night, that's not unusual though.

I could creep in Mikeys bed, it looks inviting but i don't think i can . I spent most of February and March in it when i broke my wrist and had it in a cast, but just don't want to now. The settee it is then!!!

If i shut my eyes i can see him lying there having a rest, the chair pulled up beside the bed with his beaker of juice and phone, oxygen tubing across the room and condenser humming away. God i miss him. How selfish is that? how can i wish for him back knowing that he was in constant pain and could hardly breath. How could i want to see him struggle with eating, not just because he wasn't hungry but because he couldn't breath for long enough to chew and swallow, and yet............... What i wouldn't give just for a few minutes.

The week end is looming and i am just wishing time would catch up pass me by and take me into the new year!! Why when you wish your time away it never happens. Oh well, Tomorrow is another day.....

Day 114

Cold, cold , cold and not just the weather.
Two very grumpy parents this morning!!!!

Went for a walk to try to clear our heads. So cold. The strange thing is whilst the rest of the country is being covered by all this white stuff we haven't had any!!! Sure the roofs are white, but its just the frosts we are having, the paths like skating rinks!!!

I keep my camera with me to get that unusual picture, but no joy!!!! everywhere looks so tired here at the moment.

Memories of the children's childhood are more prominent in our minds at the moment. Maybe we are having to go back in time to come forwards. I really am not sure.

The young lads next door are not doing so well and we feel so much for the family. If i stop i know i will only be able to offer cold comfort and that's not what they want at this time.
Its that damn word time isn't it. Yet again in all my comments it rears its ugly head. Nothing absolutely nothing i can do about it. Its just get through the days as best we can.
Someone said to Tim the other day that every day is a good day when you wake in the mornings to discover you are alive. That's the only way you can tell the difference between living and dying. Maybe that's the truth. I do hope that's what Mikey did, just went to sleep. I think that will be the only way to get some relief from this grief.

Apart from our walk and i had a trip to one of our local shops we have spent today just sleeping, sneezing and feeling sorry for ourselves!!! Tim's in bed and i can hear him coughing away.

Mikey had this distinctive cough, and i expect all  CF parents will say exactly the same as me that you can tell your childs cough from all the others!!

Toms coming down next weekend so i hope the snow will hold off until after then! we can hope.

Whilst i was in the shop a lady came up to me and gave me a hug, she had been to Mikeys funeral.  Both her children were at school with Tom and Michael and indeed her son kept in touch with Mike up to the time he died. Sandra said she couldn't say anything to us and she then went on to say how her daughters boyfriend had died 18 months ago. It was very sad to hear. He had been knocked over by a car, when they got to the hospital they were unaware of the injuries he had sustained. It was when a doctor came out and said the brain and stomach injuries were serious so could they have his heart!! She said it was such a shock that they kept him on his life support and refused the heart for donation. It is only now that they wished they had but it was due to the abrupt manner of the Dr giving them the news that prevented this from happening. I wonder how often this happens. I would like to think this is a rare occurrence and most Dr's are  more sensitive. Sandra says that to this day she still has not got over the situation. The other thing was that she didn't go to the hospital when his life support was turned off, even though she and her daughter were asked to go, she regrets it to this day and wishes she had gone.
In some ways i wonder if our experience was kinder?

His parents are still trying to come to terms with their loss.
Like us!! and all we can say is Tomorrow is another day................

Day 113

Woke this morning with a cold. There is a surprise. Still decided to go for a walk this morning, a bit of fresh air would do us good.

My goodness it was cold. No snow that the rest of the country seem to be getting but the paths were really slippery. Into the park arm in arm, out of the park walking independently. Large patch of ice Tim and i linked together, Torvillle and Dean springs to mind. Best of on our own, who would pull who over!!!
It was so cold that my thighs burned with the cold. That numbing sensation that gets to your core. Head for home as both really feeling unwell.

Silly me decided to walk straight over an icy patch, you know when you grip your toes inside your boots to ensure you have a better purchase!!! how silly is that, your shoes etc do not scrunch up with them!! but still you do it. Tim told me in no uncertain terms how silly i was because i could have slipped. 'Why not walk around it.' Shrug of shoulders led to Tim saying well we know where Mikey got it from don't we. What i say with surprise. Mikey would slide on every patch of ice, jump in every puddle with out thought just like me!! Mikey was adventurous, Tom considered the risks!

Had to go to town and order our turkey. Didn't really want to there are only going to be the three of us this year and none of us feel like celebrating. I do find going into the shops hard. Everywhere looks so festive and the children's faces so excited looking at all the toys. Definitely not for us this year.
Tim has had a lot of comfort from the Christmas cards. So many sending their thoughts to us. Haven't sent any this year!! Will be better next year i hope. Maybe though we will just be like this now i hope not because Mikey loved Christmas. Next year!!

Well i am going to grab a hot lemon and off to bed. Going to give Roger the cold shoulder tonight!
Tomorrow is another day.............

Day 112

My goodness its so cold!!! Just not used the weather being quite as bad as this for a very long time!!

Tim's woke up with a really bad cold so i expect i will be next but that's just a minor detail.

Spoke to Tom today and as usual he managed to cheer me up!!! usual for me to fall for his comments before realising he is teasing. Such a mug i am!!! Caught out every time.

Work, ummmmm nothing goes to plan i have discovered! Just relentless but i managed to come home for lunch.

 Tim had been to see about a little runabout for Tom at least he could take the dog out to the kennels etc if needs be. It would also do for getting to work instead of his Mazda. What else can we get him for Christmas? at least its usable and we don't have to wrap it!!!! So wont feel too Christmassy for us.

By the time i got home from work i had also got a cold. The car was so frozen i couldn't open the passenger door. Mind you i though i was totally frozen out as i could not open any of the doors or the boot until i was told that the car was still locked. Ooops!!!

Blood results are OK must have been an error. I was panicking a bit yesterday!!!
Met a lovely man in tesco tonight he is a therapist his business is called Sunshine after the Rain and offers bereavement therapy. I just may give it a go!!!

Tom phoned again tonight but it was whilst Tim was in bed. We must have chatted for over an hour. We talked about Mikey too.

Tom still feels that Mikey was let down by the health authority and that he should have been given the opportunity of a transplant. Tom also discussed Mikey's wife and was so upset about the way she conducted herself at his funeral. Tom felt that she was doing everything for her and to get the attention from other people. Tom feels very strongly that in some way she has to take responsibility for his mental health at the time and even if she wanted another chap she could have spared him some time at the end of his life. It didn't matter to Tom that she was with him when Mike died. Tom again felt that was more because it looked right rather than because she cared.
Tom is also very unhappy that she has not allowed him to have a token reminder of his brother.Tom really cant understand why she has been so possessive of his belongings when they had split up. Maybe it was because she could.

This has been the first time for weeks that Tom has spoken about how he feels. I actually felt better for talking about Mikey and tried to reassure him that we should just accept things as they are. Tom would like to go up and take Mikes casket away and bring it home. I asked what would it achieve. Tom said peace of mind. I best not say what else!!

We did end the conversation on a positive note, i said maybe she would have a change of heart later. Tom doesn't think so. Its a power thing.

Well better go to bed its almost 2am  and tomorrow is another day................

Day 111

Its amazing how the remnants of the night before follow you into sleep and into the next day.

I'm so tired and its a hell of an effort just to keep going!! Still it was a new day and i blinked and here i am again. Its that wretched word time again isn't it.

I heard a piece of music today and went on Utube. Its called All i need for Christmas is New Years Day by Hurt. If there is anyone reading this blog who has had a bad year then listen, i have it on my ipod now and will i am sure play it through out all of next year!!

Tom phoned today and he thinks he will only come down for Xmas day and return to Donnie later that night. Its because of his dog. I know its been company for him but now its ruling Toms life and stopping him from having a social life. May be that's the way Tom wants it though. Who am i to question.

Mikey has been in my thoughts all day, each day at the moment is so hard. Tim has lit his candle tonight. It was a huge purple one that he bought me years ago. Tim decided to light it. I suppose for me i was saving it. Why though, i suppose because it was a gift from him and I'm a sentimentalist. Still better to get the pleasure out of it now than leave it for poor old Tom to discard when we are gone. How morbid is that!.

Get my blood results tomorrow. I have managed with the help of google to diagnose myself with every illness going!!

Tim has had a week of not speaking to anyone!! it is in part his fault because he will not phone anyone himself. I know he looks forward to me coming home and telling him what sort of day i have had etc but there is only so much you can say without repeating yourself.

Tim has been on the web looking for dogs again tonight. Gosh it reminds me when he wants a new car!! Months of looking and then cant quite decide. Looks like i may have to make a decision here myself!!! I have already said he needs to start preparing for a pup. Build a run etc in the garden. But its snowing today!!!

Well its 1am and i need to get to grips with Roger!!! and do some walking. Tomorrow is another day.......

Day 110

Whats happened today!!! Nothing remarkable but this evening each brick i have put in place to get me where i was yesterday came tumbling down. Just like Jericho!!!

I'm sitting here and i just cant stop crying and i don't know where its come from. What was the cause.

A huge wave of sadness has descended from nowhere!! I'm in a bad place and its so dark. The realisation that for Mikey there are no more tomorrows. Now what put that thought in my head. God i miss him. I miss the joy he gave us, his strength his visits i miss that life we all had. Is it because its Christmas almost, is it because i know its Thursday tomorrow? Is it because someone asked me how i was today. I had to talk out loud about Mikey. You see that's whats so hard. If we don't speak about it, its as if it hasn't happened. But i do so know it has. I cant get my head round it today. I don't want to.

Time has kept up its momentum sweeping us along. It stops for no man. How true is that saying, i think i understand what it really means now. No matter what we do, no matter what we want we cannot stop time!!!

I just want to hear his voice or hear his laugh and do you know its his cough that i miss the most.
 The photos we had of him as a boy that i had on my unit have gone. They were so precious to both me and Tim. Mike took them home and didn't bring them back. Now we will never see them again. Claire certainly will not return anything to us. I hate that. I really hate the fact that she has been so selfish. There i have said it. I perhaps should stop now before i get carried away and say things i may regret. I hate the fact that she has not been able to appreciate what its like for us as his parents. What has she got to gain by being like she was. After all she has a new life. That started before Mike died. Mike had put on facebook that he was single and told all his family and friends that it was over. Why then was i not even allowed to enter his room in the flat. I expect she is enjoying herself saying that's what Mikey wanted. He would never have wanted us to be treated as we were. God I'm so angry tonight. I thought i had got past that. I really feel like poking someones eye out!!!!  Anyone will do.

That beast has found me yet again, taking advantage of my sadness and yet again I'm embraced by misery. Why cant that bright sprite happiness find me? The past few days have been a dream and never happened!! Perhaps this is it for the time being. I'm flitting from one emotional state to another just like a hormonal woman. Oops that's not fair to the many women who don't have mood swings!!!

There are times that i wished i drank, i would knock one back right now until i sank into oblivion. Trouble is
 it wont be any better when i come to, so i guess that's not the answer. Running will do the trick, but its to late to go out and its too cold!!!. Roger it is then, i will try and do a couple of miles!!

Well i guess i need to repair my wall and, tomorrow is another day

Day 109

Xmas meal day today with my manager friends. What to wear. Put on a dress and looked like a pregnant duck, that wont do!!!

Work for a few minutes prior to going for meeting before lunch.
That lovely lady who i saw yesterday took the time to call in at work this morning and bought me a load of stuff that just may help get me motivated and the name of the tablet the Dr might prescribe. Im going to make appointment. Now is the time to get back to what i was doing a few weeks ago. I felt good and positive then so huge effort needed!!!!

Misery has kept away today but i saw her shadow over a colleague, and i thanked the stars that for today her attention was on someone else.

When listening to others today regarding work, i feel blessed to have some very good staff around me. I think we support each other.
This has been such a hard year. First my broken wrist, losing a friend Audrey in a dreadful car accident. This really hit us all hard and has had a long term effect on us all. Today we missed her presence. Mikeys ongoing health decline, the transplant assessment, the endless wait for the urologists to make decisions, the break down in his marriage, Toms problems and the effects of his wife leaving him and the financial situation that almost resulted in him losing everything. We could at least help there. Mikey needing the operation and then losing him. Tim and i having to adjust to the loss.
 Friends huge loss at his place of work and another who has misery perched on her shoulders today. Gosh so much between the seven of us. We have been made up to nine now but quite honestly they haven't been absorbed into our group as yet.

Home tonight and then swimming. We had the pool to ourselves and the nice sauna lovely!! Back home to poor Tim a chat and watched TV together for hour and then Tim to bed and me to blog. Oh yes and I'm wearing those exercise trainers. They make me feel sea sick or should i say have motion sickness! and I'm about 3 inches taller wearing them. Do they work? only time will tell. Mike would just look at me shake his head and ask me what i was going to do next. Oh yes and also tell me i have wasted my money!! I wont lose weight unless i stop eating and exercise. What a wise and honest young man he was!

Yay!! my favorite perfume arrived from Bulgaria today. Only place i could buy it from. Thank goodness for the Internet and the lessons Mikey!!!

Keeping busy is a sure way of keeping the mind off personal problems. The sad thing being i know the next day can be hard. Christmas is looming. I never thought i would think of Christmas like that. I have always enjoyed this season. Not this year!

On the whole its been a good day but as i say, Tomorrow is another day..................

Day 108

Rain and the roads are just so dirty!!! a grim Monday morning snow predicted for the end of the week!!!

Monday mornings fly past lots to catch up from the week end. Appointment with the health advisor!!
Well misery took the opportunity dived down took a firm grip, wrapped herself around me, she had been waiting for this chance for days.
Why just when you think that you have some control over your emotions does this horrible horrible beast raise its ugly head. I know that in the next few weeks i will be in a bad place again, surely i could have some respite. No, its just the smallest thing that has the most weight to push you off and over in to the precipice. Woe betide the poor people that cross your path at this time. Patience has gone out of the window and so has tolerance and understanding. All you feel is your needs to hang on to sanity in order to show you are functioning normally when inside you know you are not!!!

Damn and blast i only went to the Dr's because i had bad head and felt a bit dizzy!!! and the health advisor to help with the smoking, its so easy to go backwards. Oh no this lady feels we should get to the route of the problem and discover why i have the desire to smoke again. I perhaps need counselling. Excuse me can we just deal with the issue i came for. Then she started to talk about Mikey and asked if i felt depressed. Well of course i do!!! but a few pills is not going to sort that out. I said i had this diary and it was really helping that i can write what i like and how i feel and maybe, just maybe someone who reads it can relate to me. That's my hope and another reason to continue. Its also my time, a precious hour for me. The lady then said that i had insomnia! it was getting worse by the moment. Lovely lady and genuinely wants to help but i suppose i wasn't to receptive today!!!!!
I also had to look at how i manage my time with Tim, work etc. When you talk about it i suppose it makes you question how you cope. You just do. It does me no good to analyse it, Why? because then i wont cope, now isn't the time and i don't know if i will ever find it. Maybe i don't want to. Is that hiding from reality? No i just think that as individuals we find our own way of living, who is to say what is right or wrong. Everyone has an opinion and its good to listen and share but you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Well the war of words has won!!! Misery has departed and here i am feeling better about life again. In 10 days time it will be another story but i will deal with that when it comes!!!

My greatest wish would be to have Mikey back with us, my biggest fear would be that he would be suffering as we know he did. I know now that life was such a struggle for him. So I'm going to find a cheerful picture of him and place on here.

                                                             Better days in 2006

It remains hard and we miss him so but tomorrow is another day
                                                                         

Day 107

Awoke this morning to a cup of tea beside the bed and no husband. Got up and couldn't find him!! Not in the bathrooms or the bed rooms, key still in the back door! A muffled voice from the lounge. There was Tim in my dressing gown!! Mikey bought me and covered with blankets. I'm feeling a bit sensitive this morning he says. Feeling very sympathetic i grabbed my wheat bag threw it in the microwave heated it up and took it and myself back to bed!! It must have been the twist!! my back was killing me!

An hour late we both moving very carefully around. Needless to say i recovered first, must be a woman thing. I can tell you now Mikey would have phoned and asked how we were, laughed at the state his dad was in and then phoned later in the day because he would be worried about him!!

I went a bought myself Come around sundown by kings of Leon to cheer myself up after missing out on some decent music last night and spent the afternoon loading that and my pics on the computer. Sad but takes me a while!!

 The light was so bad last night that not many of the photos came out, i wonder why? Anyway here are three!!!

                                                       The Band!!!!

                                                  Band plus new recruit?

                                                       Thursday dance class!!!!!!

See what i mean!!!

I was going to say about the trip home last night!
Well not the most confident driver and even worse i the dark, but its not too far to come home!!

Headlamps like candles, poor visibility, frosty and rivers with no protection, ummmmmm.

Driving home through the village i knew i had to cross a bridge somewhere to head in the right direction. Following the road and i completely missed the bridge and ended up in what appeared a farm yard!! Quickly turned into the gateway and back, where the hell was the b........ bridge. Ahhh there it was. Stupid place to have one anyway. Tim instead of grumbling was laughing his head of and asked how i could possibly have missed it. Do you think you can find the next one he asked. Sarcasm is very unbecoming!!

At least I'm on the better side of the road i said. The rivers on the other side i have a little room for errors.
The fens are definately not the place to be driving at night. Not a soul, no street lights, pitch black and what with the thought of the big cat being about certainly not the time and place to let imagination run away with you.
All in all a night to remember. Mikey had told us to do something new every month, well this is one night we will be talking about for a very long time!!

Next month a meal out with his friends, in the wilds again. I wont be driving!!!!

February we are going to see Psychic Sally Morgan at the Cresset something else different, March I'm of to Oxford but i don't think that counts!!! maybe we can get to Scotland we will see.

Tomorrow i have appointment with health advisor!!! goodness only knows what that will result in. New thing at our surgery.
Ah well Tomorrow is another day!!!!!

                                 

Day 106

Its early hours of the morning and we have just got home from our night out. I have to blog because it has been so odd this evening.

Tonight Tim and i went out for a dance and dinner!! well that was the plan. Tim had taken some persuading to go, but made the effort

Not having been out for years it took me ages to get ready. What to wear, bath, hair wash make up!!! the works. I thought i looked the part and Tim concurred. Set off to meet my sister who had got the tickets etc and arranged to meet us in her village where the dance was being held. A little excited and looking forward to a good dance. I adored dancing and was pretty good if i say so myself. We were also meeting some old friends so that was even better.

We left a little later, not wanting to be the first. Thank goodness we had the headlamp fixed today, but that's a tale for tomorrow.!!

Car park looked rather full so i thought this looks promising. All gathered together collect tickets at the door.

Walked in and oh my goodness have we come to the right place. Tim and i just looked at each other mouths dropped to the floor and we had to scoop them up and replace the smiles!!
I jest not but the band was Live!!!! up on the stage playing their electric guitars and they were 80 years old!!! the people on the dance floor looked like they were the Thursday dance class group. I'm serious and i have the pics to prove it. They will go on tomorrow. We must have looked in awe because the lady walking past said there should have been 5 in the band but one of them died recently and they haven't found a replacement!!!!

We walked in and there were the tables all around the edge of the dance floor, paper table cloths etc.
The people wearing trousers and shirts, ladies in their sequined black numbers and sandals. Dancing past us a couple in their 90's the man sporting this ill fitting wig and his lovely partner who had the biggest ankles ever, so much fluid in them they hung over the sides. I am truly not exaggerating.

Mike would have been in hysterics and would have tormented Tim and i for weeks about this. Goodness only knows what Tom will say when we tell him.

We sat down in a daze, Tim saying he was getting a drink!!! Tim has had quite a lot to drink tonight which is most unusual.
Well once the waltz's were done with Linda saying they are usually good despite their age and most of these couples are groupies. Groupies i screamed over the noise. Yep they have followed this group for years. They were quite the thing in their day. I muttered yeah but i think they are well past there sell by date. Next session they played some 60's and they were dancing away to the Searchers and Gene Pitney!! Even i was desperate for a drink and i don't!!!

Tim and i just kept looking and then laughing at each other. Should we go or should we stay!! having made the effort we thought well it makes a change at at least we are out.

Lights on and the meal was being served. Yet again Tim and i cracked up, we were given a portion of chicken and chips in polystyrene containers from the local chippy!!!!
Could it get any worse.

Raffle!! and the draw all in a good cause for local air ambulance. Didn't win but never mind, Linda won the fruit basket. How do they put stamps on loose walnuts???

Lights off and thank goodness a bit of Status Quo. We were not the only young !! people there but even they were very old fashioned and i think we caused a bit of a stir. The lead guitarist was by now sitting down to play, they got him a chair. Jesus don't collapse now i thought finish the piece first!!. Looking round as you do there was this sea of disapproving group of ladies looking at us as if we had just landed from Mars!! oh well time for a bit of fun!!! Twist!!! i really cant describe the night well enough and I'm usually fairly good with words.

Ooops what was that!!

One husband unsteadily walking in the hallway looking for the bathroom in a serious state of undress, now tucked up in bed again. Cant remember the last time that happened. Mikey you would really be in hysterics now!!!

We managed to dance a bit but not a much as i would have liked but at least we had an entertaining evening.

Just as we were about to leave they asked us if we would like to come to their New Years Eve dance. We declined. Cant cope with too much excitement!!

I will put the pictures on tomorrow and tell about the drive home!! and thank goodness Tomorrow is another day...................

Day 105

Its been a mellow day today!!! I have been so relaxed i have been almost horizontal!!!

Work has been good and i have spent most of the day communicating with those i work closely with, that has made me feel good. Re establishing relationships.

Popped out to do assessment and saw Tim walking and i couldn't resist pipping the horn at him, felt like a young girl for a few minutes!!!

A day and evening reflecting on the past, enjoying talking to Tim about the boys when they were younger and how they both loved Orm and Cheep and we laughed as we remembered Trapdoor one of the cartoon videos they would watch time and time again. It made us smile no tears!!!

A call from the surgery telling me i need to go for some more tests didn't faze me at all. I wonder why. Maybe because the worst thing has happened to us and everything else is just something to deal with. No biggie!!
Tim is more concerned than me. I just wonder if its a mistake. I hate having my bloods done though, coward that i am.
When you consider all Mikey went through i feel rather pathetic!!! Mike would be worrying and then discussing it with his friend, coming back with all this information. Mike just liked to know everything. Then he would be phoning asking if all was well. Thinking and caring about us and himself last. Mikey had this capacity for putting others before himself and i wonder why when there are so many wicked people in the world Mikey had to be taken. The world is a sadder place without him in it.

I wonder what he would think if he could see us now? I just wish we could still talk to him or see his beautiful smile. That sideways look he sometimes gave you or the shake of his head if you say something not quite right and just say Mother!
Or the way he would look me up and down if i was wearing an item of clothing that didn't look good. I would think i looked the cats whiskers but he would soon and in no uncertain terms tell me otherwise. I can remember saying to to him why don't you tell me i look OK anyway and the response was, you brought us up not to lie so i wont!!! Always had an answer did Mikey!!

I'm sitting here now looking around his room knowing he would be unhappy at how untidy i have made it. Mikey was the neatest of people and he did find it hard this year not being able to do the housework etc. He was also very particular with his appearance but was getting so tired even that was an effort. So I'm not going to grumble and I'm going to get this room sorted!!!! That's a job for the morning because................ Tomorrow is another day!! 

Day 104

Today has probably been the best day since losing Mikey and i have my sisters to thank for that.

Up early to catch the train Jennie on board and saved me a seat. Linda met us at Ely and then on to Soham to Joys. From there we went of to Lakeside, i found it so strange and wished Mikey was still here because we could have met up and that would have been grand. Tim never wanted to go because he hated driving in Essex. We went once and took Mike and Claire out for a meal but never had chance to really shop again Tim doesn't like shopping. Really wish i was a more confident driver and then maybe i would have visited more often. That's easy to say now and far to late. I am sure Mike wished we had visited him more than we did.

I found today so enjoyable and as Lakeside was literally a spit away from where Mikey lived i could see why he preferred living where there was more to do. Shopped and shopped. Linda really struggled with walking and she is so young to be living with crock knees. However, always resourceful she managed to get an M & S shopping trolley and used it all day to lean on through out Lakeside. It was hilarious. Have trolley will travel!! It was over loaded on more than one occasion.
One problem the M25 was closed and we were stuck there a bit longer than we expected and had to find alternative route home. Interesting!! Lots of snow still lying about so they must have had it bad.

We had coffee in strange place but there were lots of seats at least we know why. Not the best of places in Lakeside Pret  a Manger i think it was. Reminded us of Xmas by the name. That was the only similarity!!!!

I'm exhausted we got home about 10 and left at 730 this morning so bed is calling and I'm up early in the morning. Will spend more time here then! Because tomorrow is another day....................

Day 103

I had a wonderful surprise this morning. A work friend bought in a gift for me, saying i know you are not celebrating Christmas but i thought you should have this now. This very kind gentleman had bought me s delicate ceramic picture frame and in it he had put a photo of Mike and i taken in our garden. I just cried. How very very thoughtful. So it now takes pride of place on my desk and see Mike all the time. What price can you put on such genuine kindness?
This small gesture gave me such a lift and i was able to function like the professional i am at last!!

Tomorrow is Thursday, a bad day usually, but its my mums birthday. Although she is no longer with us myself and my three sisters are going out for the day.

Bad news, Linda one of my younger sisters phoned to say her front tooth had just fallen out!! its a crown but she cant get into a dentist so i advised her to put it back in with gum!!!! I think she may use poly grip lets hope she puts the tooth on straight before she applies pressure to adhere it to the post!!

Other than that my eldest sister Jennie suggested we get her a big mitt to cover her mouth!! I suppose its soup and a straw for lunch. I will let you know!!

I am in a positive mood today and have been able to recall memories without so much distress, a quiet tear not that wracking weeping!! That's progress.

Toms phoned again today and I'm not sure if Tim will go up on the train to see Tom, i hope so it would be good for them both. I guess i will wait until i get home tomorrow to find out.

This is a short post tonight, i have to check the times of trains for me, i know i have to be at the station at 0750!!  i do hope i can get up because tomorrow is another day.

DAY 102

The weather continues to be cold. The coldest for 25years they say. The year Mikey was born. I remember it well. One huge dog Ozzie one pram with child seat on and one baby in the pram out for a walk. Tim was working away at the time and asked me to ensure Oz got his walk. Coming home in the snow one wheel fell of the pram!!! Have you tried pushing a pram with a three year old sitting on the top lifting the pram whilst holding the wheel and trying to control the Rottie!!! no joke i can tell you. Along came Tims brother who dismantled the pram put the body of the pram with Mikey inside in the back of his van Tom in the passenger seat leaving me to walk home pushing the frame of the pram and walking the dog!!! The things we do and remember. Then when Tim gets home walking to the other end of town to getting a replacement wheel and new rubber tyres for the pushchair. The only way to put the tyres on was to soak the tyres in hot water to soften them and then apply to the wheel rims. Once cold they shrunk to fit the rims. My word would the younger person do that today!! But i was fit then!!!

Not been to well today probably stress but had MOT at the Docs waiting for results of blood tests on Friday. Feel better now though, i hate feeling unwell I'm the worst patient!!!!

Work has yet again been hard, its getting close to Christmas so things usually change quickly at this time!

Tims made some enquiries about getting Tom back home. Why not use your contacts? We have always done things the right way and wonder now if we should use those who we know with a bit of clout to pull a few strings. It never works for us though, and we shouldn't expect things to work out for us. This year has been a shocker. It started in the new year and has steadily got worse. Is it us, or just one of those things.

Its nearly 4 months since we lost Mikey and I'm no longer in that black horrible place i was.I feel very much like the swimmer standing on the edge of the water not sure if they should put their foot in the water in case its cold. Waiting for the first shock before taking the plunge. My life is on that edge. I need to do this by myself always in fear that I'm going to get the unexpected push from behind. I need to do things at my pace not at the one others want me to. I have decided to put myself first now. It certainly has not got me anywhere thinking of others feelings before my own. The continual efforts i have maintained over the past few months has at last caught up with me. Should i say i have recognised them now!

Tim has spoken to me at length tonight about getting myself on track. Making sure i do get out on the streets walking. Don't make excuses and stop thinking about him. Tim realises that the evenings are the only time i have for me and i should do something that i enjoy. We can have the weekends. I was always so worried about not giving him time that i have in fact made things more complicated in attempting to be all things to everyone. I think he just means us. Tim is pleased I'm having a day out and has said instead of me feeling guilty about having a day out with my sisters i should just enjoy it! In fact we should arrange something like it every year. So i will go and i will try to enjoy it.
Mikeys words in the summer have come back to me today. We were sitting in the garden and he told us to be sad only for a while. Its been so hard to do what he wanted of us. I think the time has come for me to make that transition. I don't want to let go though. I am really struggling with that. A friend said to me today, the first of everything is going to be the most difficult and i think she is right. Tom coped with his birthday. The first year he didn't get a card from Mikey and he seems OK. I guess we will be to.

I just want to wrap the memories around me, stitch them in place making sure they don't leave me. I want and need the comfort of those. I do think about our family and still consider we are four. Will that always be the case. I hope so.
I am very conscious that Mikeys friends have moved on with their lives and that pleases me. I am also very afraid that i will be one of those people who will discuss Mikey and our loss at every opportunity. I haven't done that yet. Well i hope not but I'm sure i will on occasion and do hope they will understand if i do!!
What ever happens Tomorrow is another day...................................

Day 101

Its been a strange day today. One of those days that you know you went to work and worked hard but my goodness the volume overwhelms you at you get home thinking did i do that? Yet when asked what you did today there is no way to describe the events! My goodness i barely understand myself so what help for you the readers!!!

Back to the start of the day maybe. I woke to a really heavy frost and freezing outside Scarf, gloves and overcoat. Defrost the car and then negotiate the school run traffic and the children that resemble worker ants streaming across the pavements and road. Their breath looking like smoke. Remembering walking the boys to school on similar mornings and pretending to be dragons taking our minds off how cold it was. Good memories.

Work. Oh dear, oh dear. Yet another day when you just work on instincts. A day when you cant remember if you sat down. A day when i know i saw my administrator but did we actually talk to each other today. A day when you attempt to pull all the treads of the recent events together and still end up with all these loose ends. Oh drat, drat and double drat. A wicked day!!!

Tom bless him so far away and still having problems with his car etc. Tim feeling frustrated that we live so far away that we cant just pop round and help him. I do wish he lived closer to home. I miss him to. I miss him taking the mickey out of me. I hope he phones his dad tomorrow to let us know how things are going.

A day when driving home that sudden thought, the random recollection that prompts you to think ah i must tell Mikey. The realisation that you cant. All that taking place in a moment just a flash, seconds that can make you feel so sad. The distraction that almost results in you pulling out of a road junction without thought. The fear that you could have caused an accident because of that one moment when concentration has gone.

Home and the conversation from Tim regarding a colleague who was killed at work, was that because of a moments loss of concentration. How easy it is to lose everything in a second.
Am i being morbid, no its just the day i have had.

I so resent the lack of time i have for missing Mikey. Do i detect a moment of me feeling sorry for myself. Cant have that!!!!  It just has to get better and i guess tomorrow is another day................

Day 100

I cant believe that today i have sitting here night after night for one hundred days.
I have thought about how my writing has changed, i seem not to be in that state of utter despair now. I wonder if that is really true. Today i have questioned how i have managed to get here! There have been days when i wished this misery would end and now found myself offering support to my neighbor. How can i do that?

I was taking the photo of the birds nest outside Mikeys window when my neighbor came out to talk to me. I have been avoiding contact recently, just a quick hello and how are things. The two boys who live next door both have an incurable illness. We have followed each others children over the years and watched them all grow into adulthood. All of us knowing that at some point the day would come when one or the other would lose their child. Over the past year both the boys next door and Mikey were in Papworth, in different wards. We would pass their mum and dad either coming or going to Papworth. All of us in the same state wondering how each other was at the same time dreading to ask.

Now the eldest is very poorly again. At least with Mikey we did have some hope but Glyn and Karen do not have that. Lee has been in the most recently and those admissions have been more frequent.
Today Glyn was talking about how hard is is for them and how stressful it is and how it is affecting them as a couple. What words of comfort can i offer. I just listened and could relate to them, but what i cant possibly comprehend is their agony that this will happen to them twice. Losing a child is the most painful thing but to have to go through that pain twice would be unbearable.
I dread the day when they call to tell us of their loss. Will we be strong enough to support them, i hope so. The youngest son is watching his brothers battle and must know that the fate for him is the same. What comfort and reassurance is there for him. I don't know. I'm sitting here and its 0130hrs and Glyn has just popped out for a ciggie, i can smell the smoke through the window. I wont look out. I just cant at the moment.
Does that make me a bad person, i hope not. Its still so raw from losing Mikey, I do hope they are all home for Christmas. I know how important it was for us.

Mikey told us that last year may be his last. We didn't really believe that. Now we know how precious this time will be for our friends and neighbors next door. Karen will be heartbroken. That i can understand!

What we need in our life at the moment is something good to happen. Some good news for us as a family and i have no idea how that will happen. I do hope the new year brings us peace and some goodwill!! not to much to ask is it?

I hope Tom does find someone else. We were talking today and he will be so lonely when we have gone. We wished we had more children but that wasn't to be. We couldn't risk having another child with CF. We did though. I became pregnant after Mikey was born and we waited for 26 weeks for the test, to see his the baby had Cf sadly the tests were not reliable and we lost another son. That was painful but a decision not easily made. Mikey was later diagnosed as having SMA when he was seven. We were so pleased not to have passed that on to another child. We consider ourselves very lucky to have Tom. It would have been good though to have more. Well I'm to old for that. It doesn't look like we will be Grandparents either. I wonder how we will pass our old age?

Well i better get on Roger and listen to a bit of music. I will cope with things as i have, day by day. After all Tomorrow is another day...............................

Day 99

We are now used to our Saturdays and have got into some sort of routine. It just replaces the old one but it gives us something to do. Another method of coping, still it seems to be working at present.

I am still tired. Its as if i just want to sleep through the day when we are not out. Maybe its the time of the year. Everywhere looks so sad and dirty at the moment. What little snow we had is disappearing leaving the roads and fields dark and grubby. No wonder the fens have the highest suicide rate in the country!!! For some. I can usually find something to enjoy. Today we discovered a nest being built in the tree outside Mikeys room. It seems early for that and looks odd in the middle of the tree with no leaves. Usually we see the birds shoot in the tree and we find the nest later, but here it is sitting in the low branches looking very exposed. Why don't they use the bird boxes? How odd.

I have just spent the last hour trying to put some music on my ipod i think that's done! I'm now listening to some music and its so good listening to some of Mikeys favourites. Mind you its not what you call restful. Ha!

Tom phoned again today and we had a long chat. Its so good to talk to him. Usually Tim gets there first and i have the left over minutes, but not today. Yay!!! His car still stuck on his drive because of the snow. I think he is going to get a shovel tomorrow!!. Tom is so different to Mikey he is not organised at all. Mikey would always look ahead not Tom!

                                                          Mikey Me and Tom

                                                                   Tom and Mike   

The photos were taken 2 years ago at Toms wedding. Gosh so proud of these handsome young men. How sad that both boys marriages failed.

Mike, always so much more confident than Tom even though he was the youngest. Mikey wasn't feeling to well on this day. In fact he had a collapsed lung!! Mike and his health were starting to decline, well the Docs were right, they told Mike if he didn't get a transplant his life expectancy would be two years. We just didn't believe them. 

I haven't put my tree up I'm still deciding and i have to go into the loft!! Maybe i will wait till Tom comes home he will help me I'm sure.

Tim has told me today to get myself back to some serious training, so I'm hitting Roger hard tonight!! as i said tired today
 but tomorrow is another day..............................

Day 98

I have given much thought to my blog today. Why i write every day and indeed why i need to. This is the only place that i can be myself. I don't have to pretend, i don't expect answers, there is no pressure to say and do the right thing.

I also wondered if it was narcissistic of me, and i don't think so. I am after all just discussing with my self my feelings. Those who read are just having a look into my mind. There may be some who can relate to my writing, some that may not understand but most of all its a method of expressing oneself. There is no judgement that i am aware of, maybe a topic of conversation here and there.
I do get a great deal of relief just by putting this down on a daily basis. A place where i can congratulate myself if i have got through the day unscathed. I don't think there are to many of those though. A place where i can sit and cry during the writing, smile if i can but most of all i am not verbalising these feelings. That is the hardest just speaking out. Nothing ever comes out right, often misunderstood and you have to be so damn careful of the person who you are talking to ensure their feelings are not hurt. That's just too, too much for any one to cope with!!

This is a powerful tool. The written word can convey information and  be interpreted by the reader how they want to.

Tim had a visitor today. His brother in law. That was nice for him. Ha! again only when i am out though. Its good for Tim to have a change of conversation.

Yesterday i gave Christmas some thought. I cant celebrate but a friend today asked me if Mikey liked Xmas and i said yes he did. So my friend suggested i just put up a tree for Tom as much as anything else. Mikey and Tom made decorations for the tree when they were both at infants school. Every year i put them on the tree and every year both would cover my fairy with a plastic disposable cup which was made into a Santa by one of them many years ago. This caused much hilarity when i would go in the room to discover one of them had done the dirty deed. Every time i removed it and put it under the tree it would mysteriously find its way to the top. Mr Nobody was responsible. Last year was no different. I think just maybe i will put the tree up. I know it will be painful and i know i will be very sad but if i don't then every year will be harder still and we will never enjoy this time of the year again. Tom is very lonely and is not bothering with decorations etc so i think i will. Blast I'm dithering i cant decide.

But tomorrow is another day...............

Day 97

Why do i continue to be surprised by the people around me!!!

I did have high hopes for today. That was my first mistake of the day. Not the last!!!! Now there is another surprise. I have said before, perfect i am not and yet why cant we just be accepted for who we are not how others want us to be. Life is just tough sometimes and those who have no worries or no concept into dealing with real problems in their lives just need to get a grip. If someone so desperately wants to live my life as me then please do!!!! but only for a day.

Why is it that some people want to live off others misery and troubles and then expect to be able to understand the true emotions not the ones they imagine. If this makes little sense to the reader I'm sorry but i understand my ramblings. Its a parent thing!!! and its also that of a mum who has lived with a child with CF for 25 years. Living and breathing the ups and downs, not someone who only sees the child on good days!! ah well i thought i had got over all this. Misery is fast approaching and she is not going to win this time.

Tims sister rang Tim today, now that i did expect after yesterdays call. The boys call her 20 questions and that hasn't changed, she now wants the photo album back that she gave us of the boys when they were small. I cant even remember her giving us one. Still it obviously wasn't a gift was it!!!  I have no idea if we even have it!! its not with all my others. Why should i search for this item when she cant be bothered to talk to me?? and I'm not going to look. I have done so much lately because i have been asked and i am basically fed up with trying to do the right thing. I may as well be hung for a sheep because that's how I'm seen. Wont surprise them will i?
What a whinger i am tonight!!! Just when i was feeling good to.

Tom phoned again today. Good to be in touch so much, its because hes not working all those rotten shifts, we don't like to disturb him until we know hes up and free to chat. He is still snow bound!! and we really are snow free!!

Left Mikey a message today, England failed in their bid to host 2018 World cup no surprise. Mikey would have been on the phone tonight or they would have chatted during a visit about the ins and outs of that situation!!!

Thursdays are such a bad day for me and i still struggle. Its been 14 weeks today since we lost Mikey and its as unbearable now as it was then. I have just got more skilled in not showing it. I miss him so very much i just wish i could see him again even for one minute. No that's a lie, it would never be enough.
Christmas is fast approaching and i wonder how we will get through the day.
 But that's not now and Tomorrow is another day.............

Day 96

Just as cold again this morning!!! Mikey would not have been enjoying this at all. Cold air just robs you of breath and that's someone with normal lung capacity!!

I walked to work and i must have resembled a cartoon penguin waddling, slipping and sliding on the paths. Glancing round furtively when the foot slipped on ice and shot up in front of me arms flapping to get balance and desperately trying to gain purchase on the ground. Praying that no one witnessed that near miss!!! I must be mad!! Thank goodness for night! when i walked home at least i would not be recognisable should that happen again.

Tim's brother phoned him today which was really fab for him as no contact had been made since Mikeys funeral. Tim hasn't heard from his sister for a few weeks now. Well they wont phone if I'm at home!! What utter madness is that. Apparently they had informed his brother of the events around the funeral etc and the fact that they think the world of Mikes wife. Its good they have someone in their lives to replace the children they never had, mine are no longer there to borrow.

Tom has been chatting away to his dad today and to me this evening. Still snow bound and doubts if he will be able to get to work tomorrow. The snow in his garden is 11 inches deep. Where is our white stuff!!! just a bit of snow at the weekend which has remained frozen and that's it. I guess we have been very lucky.

Since our break away i do feel more able to knuckle down to work at last, my concentration has improved and memory appears clearer!! maybe i was suffering from sleep deprivation after all. The human body is a wonderful machine and takes so much abuse it really is a wonder that i haven't ceased functioning before now. Maybe i did but just didn't know it!!

I am going to have a good session with my friend Roger tonight and punish these bones of mine a little bit more. Physical pain is measurable its the inner pain that causes so many problems.
Misery remains absent at this time and if i can maintain that banishment of her for a few more weeks i truly believe there will be hope for me.
I can recall our chat with Mikey on the patio a few weeks prior to us losing him where we discussed how we would miss him and how he said we could be sad for a short while if he didn't get his transplant. Am i there yet?

Memories are our most precious possession and as yet i have not been able to open his bag or to go through our albums just yet but i can feel the tingling of my fingers and the desire to pull forth our memory boxes but just cant drum up enough courage to do so, maybe at the weekend, we will see.

I thought that i would lose the sharpness of my memory of his sweet face and smile, that hasn't happened and i so pray that i never do. He had such an infectious smile that he made you happy just looking at him. I am smiling right now!! 
But tomorrow is another day.................................