Day 183

Today has had its ups and downs. My thoughts at the moment are with another family who is losing their precious daughter to that damned CF.

It almost seems wrong to write about my day, when i know to some degree what they must be experiencing. So i will discuss my day and end the blog with my thoughts.

We decided to get out and attempt to use my camera. Spring is almost here and there are so many new beginnings happening. Flowers are showing their glorious colours, brightening the misery of winter. The buds are coming out all over the trees and shrubs. Birds are starting to nest and the days are getting longer. Time to capture these moments.

We went to Houghton Mill. Such an old building and still standing. The lock to the rear of the mill on the Ouse almost waiting for the boats to come through. Its nearly time.
The swans were magnificent. Pairs, i always admire this species who mate for life. In a few weeks the river will have the cygnets and parents effortlessly drifting along with the current. Peace.

We decided to walk through the woodlands to St Ives. The trees were bare and the land exposed almost naked. How i long for the trees to be dressed in their greenery. I managed to take lots of photos but what they will turn out like is pure guess work. I expect out of a hundred, one will be OK. Still practice makes perfect.
We walked in the rain, we walked through mud but we were at peace with the world. I can honestly say this is the most i have relaxed in a very long time.

We stopped for coffee and we were interested in what was happening around us. Tim was looking out for things of interest for me to point the lens at. Usually too late and the birds had flown!

It was late afternoon when we got home and it was down to some planting.
My tubers had reached maximum growth in the water and so to outside.

Wellies on, spade at the ready and off i went. Now where to put them. I decide to put them around Mikeys plant. 'Innocence', Joy bought it when Mikey passed away. It was a thoughtful gift. Tim thought it had died over winter but looking at it today it was covered in new buds. It should make a glorious sight in late Summer.

Mikey is very much in our thoughts today and Tom. The joy they have given us, i just wish they were both with us and close. That is not to be but we can still hope that Tom manages to find his way back to us.

I finished at 5pm and it was still light. Where has the time gone, how come a few weeks ago it was dark at 3.30pm? you see it does pass whether we want it to or not, time that is.

This evening i spent time on Roger and had thought to put the pics into an album on facebook but as yet i haven't done so, perhaps tomorrow. Instead i have pondered.

I know there are many people who are following my blog even though they have not indicated this by being a follower so perhaps you can remember me writing about a friend of Mikeys who had a transplant shortly after we lost Mikey.
I had wondered how she was doing and was pleased to read that she was back on facebook although still in critical care. This was a few weeks ago. I imagine she had been poorly to stay in that unit for so long.
Today i heard she married this weekend, in hospital and is very very ill.
To have gone through so much, to have received that very thing that all cystics pray for and still not to win the battle is so incredibly sad. That seems such a inane word to use but i cant imagine how she and all her family and friends felt and still feel. To have the opportunity of a new life in your grasp and still have it taken away is almost too much to bear.

So tonight, i am thinking of them all.

Tomorrow is another day...................................

Day 182

Well today went as planned can you believe!!!

Raining this morning but managed to get my tubers in soak ready for tomorrow. They are ugly little beasts! but very small or they were this morning, they have swelled in size and i have had to add more water to the bowl. I wonder how big they will be in the morning!!!! They should be Persian Buttercups. We shall have to wait for the summer to see how they turn out!!

Library and shopping. Yep got the t shirt i wanted, oh dear another one!!! wardrobe is at breaking point again!!!

Had a long walk and knee is fine, a bit of a twinge but i expect that's normal!

Rugby and, yay England beat France. Good match and such good behaviour off field far better than football.

Went for ride tonight to see if a could get some pics in the dark. Well after this afternoons photo shoot in the garden it had to be better. Whilst trying to get some snaps of the new growth in the garden i dived head first into the fence. Tim was watching from the lounge window and was laughing his head off. He said i resembled Max Wall on a bad day, oh and the shoes didn't match!!

So off we went to Sandringham to see if we could spot some wildlife. We did, there were rabbits and some deer!! camera ready and nothing happened tried several times but the camera actually told me it was too dark!!! well it was night time what did i expect. To tell you the truth i thought i would get night photos. Tims advice was to read the manual again!!!! Is there no hope for me!!

Driving home we had to detour as road was up and we drove over the railway,beside the river it is a bit of a hill. Tim recalled when the boys always asked him to go that way home when we came back from Peterborough. Mikey sucking his thumb and his cuddly in the other hand.  Tom telling his dad to go fast so they would lift off their seats and make there tummies feel funny.  It made me feel sad, but Tim said it was a good memory and we should be happy that we have so many. I think he is right and will try to look at it that way. Still.....................

So here i am trying to load pics from computer to face book how i managed the few i did i have no idea. I'm sure it was so hard before!!  I am giving up for the night!!!

Going to try for some early nights!!!! well i need to rest in preparation for the planting!!!  because no doubt some thing will go amiss.  You never know though, because tomorrow is another day......................

Day 180/181

This is getting to much of a habit having to do two days at a time.

I am beginning to feel as if my time i no longer mine! I'm getting so tired i just cant hack it like i used to. I don't even know if i want to.
I am spending time on other things that are not really my responsibility and end up having to go back to work to catch up on my work. I have spent two nights writing up reports and i promised myself months ago that i wouldn't get to this place again.

Tim said i may as well be a lodger in this house for the amount of time i am here these days. I know i am absolutely knackered.

Maybe i am pushing myself too hard or it may be the events over the past few weeks are catching up. I have felt lousy with the knee and back problems and the blasted chest infection just will not clear up. Its been weeks now. I keep popping the vitamin tablets but they are having no effect! I struggle to get up in the mornings but cant sleep at night. Ah well maybe when i get back running things will get better. At the rate im going i wont be fit for 2013 yet alone 2012!!!

The bag i bought on Tuesday was perfect for the camera and bits for a day out. Even Tim not aware i was carrying it today!! didn't get any pics though because it was raining.

We went over to see about laser eye treatment and i have appointment booked for next week! Another new experience. So that's for March.
 I have about 5 weeks to lose the weight before our April outing to the Ritz so really have got to get down to some serious weight loss management!

Bought some new track bottoms today and some jeans. Oh dear another pair!! but at least no shoes today. 

I have my bulbs ready to plant but have to soak some of the tubers for 24hrs so i will do that in the morning ready to plant Sunday. Its going to rain all day tomorrow!!

Spoke to Tom tonight and he is back on line. Another conversation where he had researched a face lift and said i really cant have it done!! it would be far to costly for the amount of work i need. The cheeky beggar!!! He may well laugh! He then went on to have a conversation with his dad and i heard the word scaffolding mentioned!!

Bought Hurts new album today and tried to download it onto ipod with no success, damn i just cat get my head round all this new equipment that is used today!! but i do try.

Well i have cooked the joint for tomorrow, so that will give me more time! Library, try to get another Animal t shirt. Look at the thundercat again!! and Rugby. England v France, it should be good!!

Well to bed and tomorrow is another day....................

Day 178/179

Yep i missed yesterday. What a day. Certainly not what expected or planned. What is it they say about best made plans??? Will i ever learn. The simple answer to that is no!!

I just find some things hard to believe, but then Tim and the boys have said i am rather naive at times and yes dare i say gullible. I suppose its because i expect everyone to have the same standards when it comes to certain ethics, ha proven wrong yet again.

If i have anything to say i do sadly usually say it and am therefore an open book. What you see is what you get. I am still amazed that people say one thing and really think another. Doesn't that make the world a strange place to live. Its to much for me at times!!!
Still yesterday was a prime example of that!! and we will just have to wait and see if just desserts are served. Sounds cryptic but the next few days will show one way or another.

Anyway i came home exhausted mentally!!  rushed to get for a swim and then just went to bed. Looking forward to Wednesday. A day off and yet again doing something different!!

Today i arranged to met a coz. We met just before Xmas and had brief time to get to know each other but planned to meet up again and spend more time in each others company. Determined not to put it off come what may even at such short notice we met up today.

The sisters couldn't make it so it was just me and Ange. The morning was wet and miserable and i thought we would find it hard to do things.

What a fab day it was. Not like being with a stranger even though we last met when we were 15!! How we talked and walked and talked and walked and had lunch in fab little tea shop.

All the china cups, saucers, plates and tea pot etc were odd. Nothing matched it was so quaint. The cake was Divine!! blow the diet!! and of course a day out without buying something was impossible!!
The ladies loo was most odd, sitting above the low level cistern was this amazing set of antlers!! not sure if i should have hung my coat on them!!  they were huge.
The day flew past, we explored antique shops and charity shops and of course clothing shops. We examined jewellery and whimsies. You name it we looked at it.

Why is it that we always plan to do things and for some reason or another we put it off. Before we know it years have passed. Well no more.

Losing Mikey has made me make the efforts to try new things, do new things and not put off things i want to do. So this month i have done two!!! things. Mikey said aim to do something different every Month. Not sure what March will bring.

It was good get the message from Angie from the CF unit yesterday.

Oh and i have to say i have changed my mind about Mondays outing, some things are stranger than fiction!!!!

I do need to get down to some serious training now. The knee is holding up well and although  he back is still problematic it is manageable.

Ah well tomorrow is another day.............................

Day 177

Well today has arrived the long awaited trip to see Psychic Sally Morgan.

Rushed off work to get home in time to leave, made sure we wouldn't be late. Tim said he thought it would be a waste of time!

Pouring of rain, Linda late as usual!!! now there was a surprise, still we made it and had time for a coffee before the show.

I have to say it wasn't what i expected! I found it very show businessy!! and not all that factual. There was a lot of time wasted and a lot of correct guessing. There was however a couple of very interestingly accurate ones!!!
What surprised me was the number of suicide people she made contact with! a murdered young man, road traffic accident victims and some children if she was to be believed.

I went with a very open mind and was a little surprised to hear her say a couple of names of people who lived very close to me. That i did find a little strange. Kept quiet though and that really does make a change for me.

It was two hours  i expected more contact, if you like but there was a lot of repetition.
There were many there who did firmly believe and received what they were  hoping for but there were so many disappointed people. Had my name been called out i may well be thinking differently.

Was i disappointed with the evening? no not really but i will not be going again it did satisfy my curiosity and i have done something different as Mikey wanted us to do. I do not have a need to have return visit!!
The answers we often want are the ones we have locked inside us, we just need to find the key. It was strange that most of the audience consisted of relatives of those who had passed unexpectedly, but then that may be the reason!!!

Certainly gives you food for thought and I'm sure many who do go get a lot of comfort from the experience. They could however become unhealthy if a person needs to go so often.

I would recommend everyone go just to be able to make an informed decision about them.

For me it will be memories and some inner turmoil but that's how it has to be i think some things will always remain a mystery, its how we live the that makes the difference.

I can just hear Mikey saying Mother why on earth did you go, what did you think would happen. Then shake his head and give me that look!!

Well i am going to give Roger a miss tonight and crawl into bed  and think about another monthly thing to do and yep tomorrow is another day................................

Day 176

I blinked and the week end is over!

Dull sort of day, and we decided to go to Cambridge and just have a look at the colleges etc and some bike shops!! oh yes and an old Capri a now classic car. I can remember when they were the car to have! age now showing.

Talked a lot about Mikey today and how sad we were that on his last day with us we didn't have any time alone with him to talk. C,s Dad stayed in the room the whole time. How strange that he didn't have the courtesy to give us time alone. Still as mum used to say you cant put nothing where there is nothing! I think what she used to mean was if there was no brain you couldn't put anything in it!
Anyway we were able to smile about Mikey today.
No photos because the weather was grim but lets hope things change on that front. The days are beginning to get longer after all.

Lin rang about tomorrow and she is going to get to us early just to make sure we are not late for the dhow tomorrow night. It means a bit of a rush getting home from work but its only for one day.

TOM!! managed to get him today. He has been working really odd shifts so has been busy at work. He has also managed to get his Internet sorted and will be on line again next week. Yippee. Lovely to chat and we had about an hour, he still managed to wind me up about a new job and i fell for the yarn hook line and sinker. He does it every time.

Tim and i went for a brisk walk around the block, he said if i was a dog he would be pulling me back! I think i set off at a good pace!

Been on Roger tonight and managed three short runs and knee OK!! try a few more tomorrow.

Tim told me that the best part of his day is waking me up in the mornings because he never knows what i am going to say. Apparently this morning a wished him a happy birthday!!

Well i better try and print off a photo for tomorrow night and try to get some sleep. I am getting nervous!!! but will blog all the news of how it went. I hope this coming week is better than the last but i doubt it still tomorrow is another day.......................

Day 175

A time to cry!

Raining and that sums up today! the heavens are crying with me today. Not sure what it was about today, it may just have been because i have had time on my hands. Anyway i made sure we went and looked at some bikes.

Not an ideal time but hey ho when will it be. I think Tim's made up his mind to have a Thundercat. I liked the Hornet but perhaps because i thought i could also take it out for a spin. Still i cant get in my kit so perhaps not a good idea after all.

Had a good walk in the rain! and i have been on Roger tonight, knees held up although aches a bit, I'm sure it will though. Also did all the exercises.

 Watched a couple of films and listened to some music! That has been my downfall. Music has a way of getting to you and then you become emotional. That's my excuse anyway.

So here i am yet again at past 2 in the morning no wonder i look a wreck. The hair has reached the untidy stage and i look like the wreck of the Esperas! ah well another couple of weeks if i can put up with it and may be OK. Then i think i will have it coloured red! why not.

Not heard from Tom cant get him but Tim's now getting concerned so will try again tomorrow. I hope he is OK.

Not long now before i go to see Sally Morgan, that's on Monday evening. Never been to anything like it before so should be interesting! Its being filmed as well so you never know maybe on TV.
Tired and i hope weather will be better for the last day of the week end, we shall see.

Hope to get out and use the camera. I noticed today that with all the wet the crows were flocking in the fields in there hundreds. The worms were getting there heads nipped off as soon as they surfaced! So it would appear it was a good day to feed. The seagulls make me laugh because they stand and stamp there feet, wait for the worm and snatch at the grass. I wonder why they do that. Perhaps the worms just pop up to see whats occurring and oops big mistake!

I found this tonight and it speaks volumes

 Well to bed because tomorrow is another day........

Day 174

My goodness what a week.

Came home tonight worm out, giving Roger a miss tonight and hope tomorrow i can muster the energy to get going again.

Trying to think of ways to fund raise ready for next year and my friend Diana has given me a good idea so i am busy thinking how i can action that. Will share the hows when i have it sorted!

I have so little time to sit and think and my mind has become over loaded with work. I remember a time this happened before, and after Mikey passed away vowed it wouldn't happen again, and yet it is. I must get to grips what is really important in my life. I need to make time for me.
I do realise that other people in similar jobs have taken stock and are living god quality lives. It is essential i do the same. Will i? i rarely take my own advise!!
I do know that i cannot continue at this pace and hope within the next two weeks i have it sorted. I have given myself a deadline!!!

I hope to take a couple of days off next week and meet up with a cousin on one day and go out with Tim on the other. Tonight Tim has said he doesn't think I'm interested in going looking at bikes. Actually i am but just so very tired. I'm not as young as used to be, but my mind hasn't synced with my body!!! oh well nothing new there then.

I planned for an early night! and here we are at nearly 2am bed i think!! it will soon be Monday and back on the treadmill of work!! but i know that tomorrow is another day................................

Day 173

An eventful day!

I did get up early and it was foggy! but we had hopes that it was just early morning mist and would clear, that was a mistake!
Headed to Sherringham for a day at the coast, the fog didn't clear! but we had a good walk and a meal in the pub by an open fire. That was lovely.
It was certainly odd to walk in the fog by the sea. You couldn't see a thing but you could hear the seagulls and the noise of the waves. The steam railway was closed and re opens next week! but some of the little shops were open to browse. Found a really nice shoe shop and shame on me i bought a lovely pair of summer sandals! well i live in hope.

Decided it may be better in Wells and and on the way down one of the lanes we saw a buzzard, damn me if Tim wasn't driving and i couldn't get the camera out quick enough. Tim did stop but i was too late. It was a magnificent sight what a shame. We got out at Wells and it was freezing! did manage to get a couple of snaps in the harbour but not very good! better luck next time.
By the time we got to Kings Lynn the sun was trying to get out and we could see the fields covered with plastic to try and bring the crops on. The fields looked like they were covered with water.

Physio tonight and he decided to concentrate on my back! he is leaving, i will certainly miss him. The knee should now hold up and i need to have confidence. It may be sore initially but to take it slowly. So we shall see how i get on. So that's a bit more positive. Got to keep up with the exercises though! Remember to do the stretches!!!!

Its taken the rest of the night to get the software loaded but have managed it at last so some pics of the past few days. The foggy ones are today!!!!

                                        
                                            I love this one, Mike you were right it takes fab pics
 
Goodness they took ages to load on here so i will try again but not tonight, tomorrow is another day........

Day 172

Not a lot to say today. Got home from work and was so tired i was going to sleep. Tim has told me i am to try and go to bed early!!!

So that's what i am going to do. If i don't get up in the morning we wont go out! So i have been looking forward to that so I'm off to bed!

Just got a niggling in the back of my mind that all is not well somewhere and not sure what that's about. Intuition if you like.

Not heard from Tom for a few days so hope he is OK. Will try and get hold of him tomorrow.

Hope i get on OK at physio tomorrow, it just seems that i am having loads of obstacles put in my way at present. Tim describes me as a creaking gate! oh well it could be worse.

I'm lacking energy tonight but tomorrow is another day.....................

Day 171

It seems that all my day is work! i have had no time to think about anything else. I guess that means no time to be sad. Its almost like being numb most of the time now. Going through the motions without really having to think outside work. Watch TV and thats it, cant tell you who was in the programme and probably wouldnt recognise them the next day.
Is memory failing, well probably but on the other hand im just not interested.
I have all these boxes in my mind, locked with countless bits of information and memories in them. Sad thing is cant find the keys!!!! there must be some treasures in there somewhere. I may on the otherhand find all of these to painful and are locked against hurt. A bit profound for this time of the day or night!

Still havent had chance to put the info regarding my camera on the computer yet no time! Late home from work, then swimming, shopping and thats it end of day.

Not coming home for lunch tomorrow so Tim will have more time to himself may be good for him, not sure. Thursday im taking off as leave so we will have day in the week together, hope we manage to get out and about and i will take the camera!
Roll on the summer when we can go to Newmarket early in the morning to watch the race horses training on the gallups, should be interesting.

Its been raining hard tonight and its lovely to be in the warm hearing the rain on the windows, not so good to be outside though. Its been much colder today and the hand is playing up a bit. Always something!!

Must get the old eyes tested too, im beginning to peer at objects and that wont help the wrinkles!!
My hairs growing so you never know i may just have one last shot at a pony tail!! there is at least a quarter of an inch growth! just enough to get a band round. That and nothing else! Bought a hot brush at the weekend have not used it yet, to tell you the truth never used one before so lord only knows what the result will be. Probably like an old ladies hair do. Im sure my friends will tell me!

I have decided to do Mikeys memory box in the summer. I think i will be ready then and it will give me something to focus on as the year approaches. Time is moving at a rapid rate and we are just going for the ride. We are going where the current takes us, i hope its a good place.

Soon be Monday and i am off to the Cresset getting a little nervous and hope Linda manages to get here in time! i may just tell her she needs to be here at 5pm then with a littleluck she will get here for 6pm as she should, you can never tell with Linda bless her! Well to bed because Tomorrow is another day.........

Day 169/170

I missed yesterday. It was a grey day and i couldn't muster the effort to blog. Shame on me!

I cant say i was particularly miserable or sad it was a day where, it just was, another day. Nothing momentous, nothing special i am sure everyone has days like that what ever their situation in life. You get up in the morning and before you know it the day has ended and you cant recall what it was all about so that was my Sunday!

Today the sun was out and you could feel Spring just around the corner. You could almost forget that it could still snow tomorrow! i expected to come home lunch time and find Tim sitting outside catching the rays! Our mood reflected the day, we had something to smile about even if it was just to hear the birds singing or to talk about the bulbs appearing swiftly in the garden.

Work was, well Monday! and the conference in Oxford is getting closer. It means staying away form home overnight, I'm sure Tim could do with the respite away from me. I hope by then he has a bike and at least he can have some spins out if the weather remains kind.

Its interesting to see that so may people read the blog from all over the world. I wonder if someone who is reading this is going through the same thing. If there is, then Hi, how are you doing??? If some of my words reflect your feelings, then i hope they help. We cant be alone, and yet that's exactly how we do feel. What would we say if we were to meet. Do you know I'm not sure. The written word is so much more powerful that that spoken. We can express ourselves with out censure, without worrying what we say or how its said. We don't have to worry that we are upsetting anyone because these words are just inner feelings and often the ones that i would never utter. So my advice would be, Blog it really does help. Mikey said it helped him and i can now understand why.

I have been out for walk with Tim tonight and although cold it remained dry. The moon was out and so were the stars a good night for walking. I tried to get photo of the moon with my shiny new camera and failed miserably. Still not got the hang of it properly yet, oh deary me.

Managed to run for a little yesterday and even Tim was saying today it will be good when i can get out again properly. It was such a shame that i injured myself so soon after starting. Never mind, soon.......

Sisters are doing really well with weight loss and i am still dragging behind!  9 have been on my bike today and cycled to work and home for lunch and back so that should help. Walking and swimming tomorrow. What more can i do?  Perhaps drink a bit more, yep i will try that from now on.

Well its half past midnight and I'm going to try for an early night, if i get up early i may even go for walk before work!!! we shall wait and see about that, miracles do happen, no wait a minute we know they don't!!!!! so i can only imagine that the walk will happen in the evening!!

I am going to try and load the disc on computer later so i can post some pictures! but you all know by now that i am a bit of a techno phobe, sad but true, ah well tomorrow is another day..................

Day 168

well its Saturday again, the weeks just pass by in a blink.

Spring is in the air, the new buds are coming out on the trees, the crows are nesting, the flowers are coming out. How strange that one day can be so different and you are able to look around with eyes wide open.

Mikey you were right i love the camera!! what a difference to the photos. I am however really struggling with all the buttons etc. I love to be able to point and shoot. I will just have to study the manual.

We have had a quiet day, Tim has watched the rugby, i had a walk to the library, town and then to see Joni, to show off the camera of course.

I do appear to have made the effort to make changes in our lives, to some cost i think.
Tim is feeling left out for some reason and has said tonight i dont talk to him enough.
I wonder if its because i talk all day and dont think what i am doing is interesting enough? or maybe its because i dont want to talk about the same thing twice, i dont know, i will have to think about it.
Our conversations are limited i think because Tim doesn't do anything.
What do i do, stop doing the new things in my life or do i just keep with Tim all the time.

I know i have changed since Mikey died and have become more selfish in as much as i am doing things i want to do instead of doing nothing. Maybe that's what the problem is. I am getting pleasure from then though.

Tim needs to make his mind up about a bike its not something i can do, i do try to show interest and would be once the decision is made. There is the rub!!! indecisive!!! always has been, always cautious. Some times we just have to make our mind up and do it. It doesn't matter if you later realise its the wrong choice, no harm done. Its the experiences that you can laugh and talk about later.

I think Tims having a day out in March, i hope so, he will enjoy it.

I am going to have a day off every week for the next 6 weeks so that may be good for us. I wonder what will happen when that finishes. Oh well we will see. Tomorrow is another day.................
 

Day 167

And today was another day................

It was strange today so calm, Tim was quiet this morning but seemed OK. Work, well i don't think anyone knew what to expect but again it seemed calm there to. I wonder why!
My boss came today and i asked for a supervision!! much needed and helped put things in perspective re work anyway, she is really good at listening.

The weather was odd too, as if not quite knowing whether to rain, sun shine or be just dull. It decide to mix the lot which also seemed to reflect my feelings and tonight some fog just to finish the day off. The fens how i love their changes, never really knowing what its going to do from day to day. A bit like us it will then have periods of gloom and periods of bright cheerful clean fresh days. Ah its a wonderful place to be.

i think today was also a day where i decided enough was enough, i must take myself in hand. Mikey said that we could have a period to grieve, he knew it would be hard for us. We spoke about this in the summer, he must have known that he was really poorly. We said we couldn't help but be sad when anything happened to him, if it did. We were all still very positive about him getting a transplant. He said OK but just for a little while but i want you to carry on not just mope. In reality it isn't that easy and as much as you want to do what he wanted its an impossibility, at least right now.
I cant begin to describe just how much we miss him, not just in the physical sense. We know we cant bring him back. Tim's way off coping was to think of Mikey as being asleep but i now think Tim cant think that way any more and its hard for him. They were so very, very close.

I rarely get to talk to Tom if the phone goes, Tim will chat for ages and then hang up before i get to talk to Tom, that has to change!! but its good foro Tim to have someone else to talk to. Its a dilemma!

A woman was attacked in town on the main street! at 8pm in the evening whilst out running!! Cant believe something like that can happen in our town! what is the world coming to. It has put me off a bit because that was my time so i really am going to try and get some early nights and head out early morning before work and whilst its light.

Tim wants me to go back to the athletics club but i want to wait until I'm really fit again. Physio this Thursday and the fingers crossed will be told all is well. At the moment i have coped with Roger and will try at the week end to get out on the road again!!

At this very moment i am feeling positive again, but tomorrow is another day..................

Day 166

It has been an awful day. This morning Tim and i were deep in thought over a cup of tea before going to work. The morning went really quickly and i was kept busy moving stuff around.
Went home at lunch time all seemed OK until Tim became inconsolable. The day was just too much. Its so hard to explain how i feel today. I didn't want to go back to work but Tim said i should. Looking out of the window the weather reflected our mood. It was raining.

I was really worried about Tim and phoned him to see if he wanted me to come home but again he said no.
This afternoon at work was a disaster!!! I spent periods shut in the office upstairs and other periods seeing staff. I have to say i lost it. I just couldn't take my own advice and ended up feeling worse that ever. The rest of the afternoon i was not left on my own and the staff kept me busy.

Some may say why go to work, well that certainly was my biggest mistake. How do you know how you are going to feel. I never really expected such a tidal wave of emotion. The past few weeks have just been some abyss of effort that we have floundered in. Didn't know it at the time but that period of respite has been us trying to cope for each other.

I'm struggling tonight to write, how strange, not usually one to be short of words.

Tim's gone to bed and again i look at him and he has lost his light, they say your eyes are the window to your soul and Tims looks so sad.

Its all pretend, all the things we say we are looking forward to. We are just mapping time. Tim hasn't got much if anything planned ,his future looks so bleak unless he gets something to do. I don't care what he says, you cannot enjoy your own company for ever. The human race was made to socialise, its our nature. Lets hope he decides to either get a bike or a dog!!! something to do when i am at work.
This is such a lousy blog tonight so i am going to close, tomorrow is another day........
 

Day 165

Not a good day today. Spent periods through the day crying. Its strange but i never quite realised that i would see this time as another milestone along the grieving journey. 6 months is somehow more measurable.
Lots of thoughts today and reflecting on the past events, not realising either how traumatic they were at the time. I can appreciate when you hear the term 'mad with grief', i think i went slightly mad and maybe still am, only time will tell if you can recover and return to normality.

So here i am embraced in the arms of misery and yet there is some light trying to get through. When i got home tonight, there was my shiny new camera!!! Mikey you were right i do love it. I have managed to get it working!! but don't understand it all, but i will learn.

I should have taken tomorrow off work but instead we are having a civvie day and we are all going to be doing some tidying up, bless them!!!! Perhaps its a case of if you cant beat her, join her.

The Ritz is booked! so April is a month to look forward to. Tim wants me to book some leave now, i still have 7 days to book and the year for holidays is almost done so i better get a wiggle on. Days out i think.

Tim said his sister phoned him today so that was good for him.

Its been very quiet at home tonight both of us with our own thoughts but tomorrow will be hard, i do know that we will cope, how ell doesn't matter but we will. There is so much for us to do and so many things we need to achieve and at the moment the does seem to be a purpose but,

 Tomorrow is another day...............

Day 164

Well i have been home from work about half an hour and i am really tired its 0147hrs!!!
So its a short blog tonight.

I have had a bad day i suppose, finding myself short tempered and generally irritable. It will be 6 months since we lost Mikey on Thursday and I'm dreading the day. I could just cry at a drop of a hat and i just know that misery has me in her sights. I can feel her drawing close and can do nothing about it. In fact i will find some sollace to find myself wrapped in her cloak of despair. I will at least have a reason not to keep up this facade of coping. I'm tired and want to wallow. Not a good thing but who cares!!

I know that i will pick myself up, until the next time!  So for today i have been tidying, a bad sign and one my colleagues recognise as my coping mechanism. They will not look forward to their day at work. Nothing and no one escapes my frenzy of activity. Nothing is sacred and possessions will be moved to where i want them , well at least for a day and things will return to normal afterwards. Oh dear.

The body is failing!! back aches, knee hurts I'm a wreck!!

I think i have tired myself out!!

But tomorrow is another day....................

Day 163

Another Monday over and done with. It almost seems like a chore to be coped with, well maybe it is!

I have managed to load yesterdays pictures on the computer so will put some on the blog in a minute or two. Goodness only knows what i will make of these daily writings if i ever go back to reading them from the start! I wonder what i will think?
The blogs help me get the days into having a purpose, to allow me to off load the frustrations of the days and indeed the small achievements of living a life of some sort.
My days consist mainly of work and filling the other hours with often meaningless things but better than nothing.
My head seems to be managing, my soul remains a sad and lonely place. I hope at some point there will be a joining together of them, but not yet.

Today i have spoken about Mikey with several people who have kindly asked how Tim and i are, so kind. That is often my undoing. I cope better if I'm angry but i have come to realise that isn't good for me. A hard lesson to learn, a huge mountain to climb.
I don't even know who i am angry at or what. Certainly not Mikey, never Mikey. I wonder if i have described Mikey as a paragon of virtue? he certainly wasn't. He was very special and that's not just me as a mum talking but he was human and was not perfect, but who wants perfect anyway. Mikey was never ever boring!
So i have spent time listening to music and reflection tonight. A useful pastime! I heard tonight that Gary Moore has passed away, he was, in my opinion the greatest guitar player and his Parisian walkway an absolute master piece. The one thing that we have been able to share with both boys has been the love of music. Between us we listened to all genre!
How odd that only me likes a spot of Reggae.

Tim said a strange and sad thing today. I asked as usual if he had seen anyone or spoken to anyone today, the answer was no and if he wasn't married to me he could lay here dead for days without being found. Tim then said it would be his own fault because he isn't very sociable. I didn't know what to say. Roll on the summer when he can get out a bit more. Just a little worrying though.

Well i better get those pics on

This is a statute of St Edmund i don't know the meaning of the arrows!!! but i will try to look it up some time. I had a morbid fascination for it though!!

This next picture i thought was an unusual weather vane, never seen one like it before and thought it would make a nice end to tonights blog

Mikey would have loved to have caught this on his camera. You could see the baby's head and feet out of each end of the sheet!!

Well i have Roger waiting i managed 30 minutes last night and will aim for the same tonight but, tomorrow is another day!

DAY 161/162

A week end blog tonight!!

A sat here last night ready to blog and just felt so unwell i went to bed!!! Must be some sort of virus because i was just so dizzy for a couple of days!!

Tim told me my favourite boutique was closing so i did manage to walk to town to have a look. Well lets be honest me and clothes have very close relationship. I love shopping but too often just buy what i like not what suits me. Oh well am i so different from any other woman i ask myself. Bought a skirt, did i need it? no but its cool. Bought a hat, well i need one for running!!! lets just hope its still cold when i start back again! oh and some earrings, yep really need those. Its a passion though!

A ride out in the afternoon just to pass the time really and took some photos that really didn't come out well but here's a couple across the fens

                                              

                                       

                                                                  The drains are full

They do show how the wind blows across the fen and why we are famous for the old fen blows. The dust storms are pretty spectacular later in the year.

Today still tired but had a ride to Bury St Edmunds, took some snaps which i will post tomorrow, i just haven't managed to down load them tonight. Had a look at some bikes today, getting itchy again about having one. Tim checked his kit and helmets still OK. Mine as i say remains in the bottom of a large case, will need miracle for me to get back in those. Was i really that small!
I'm actually playing a fitness tape while i blog!!! well i am making an effort, maybe i will give it a whirl tomorrow. I plan to jump on Roger tonight i have him all primed and ready in the corner for when i am finished.

The girls have been in touch and Joy seems to be taking the lead this week with Jen, i am still lagging behind, but i am comparing myself with the fox and the tortoise, i will get there in the end!

Diet is going well, at least i think so but watching Tim eat a chocolate biscuit i almost launched myself across the kitchen to snatch it out of his hand. I restrained myself and chomped on a carrot instead. Just not the same though is it?

Kept my hands busy by doing some sewing, are the eyes of needles getting smaller? or are my eyes failing too. What a shower!! i must be getting past my sell by date.

Joys booking the Ritz up this week, something else to look forward to. I will definitely take photos of that outing. I wonder if we will have lost the magic stone by then?
Joys off to Scotland for a couple of weeks soon i bet she will be jogging up those mountains lol.

Linda bless her. Knee finally gave up the ghost and she has been to see a chiropractor yesterday. Lo and behold he did a fab job and shes been on the treadmill. This is the same person who had to use a shopping trolley all round Lakeside so she feels really good tonight!

Jen has started cycling in the mornings again, cant believe she cycled to Paris last year from England. Its amazing how quickly you slip back into old habits.
So this year we are all going to get fit.

Tim still talks to Mikey every night when he goes to bed and Mikeys casket is getting worn where i give it my nightly stroke. We get our comfort where we can.

Well its midnight and i better get on , it will soon be time for work, just hope its better than last week.  Tims contacted the Jennifer Trust because we get a news letter from them and informed them that Mikey has passed away. Its another thing to do! and so sad but Tomorrow is another day.......................

Day 160

Its Friday and another week has passed by. Where has the time gone. At one point time was my worst enemy and now there just isn't enough of it. I wonder if my mind will change about that in the future!
I have hardly spoken to anyone today and cannot remember the last time we all at work sat down and had a reasonable conversation. We really do just pass each other by. We are becoming strangers to each other, how sad is that.

The weather remains windy and at the moment i can yet again hear the roaring of the wind snaking round the bungalow striving to find a way in the nooks and crannies, and gap will do. I can see the curtains twitching in the breeze!

A ride down the bypass tonight and the car was buffeted by the wind as it blew across the fields. The road very exposed to the weather, no buildings or trees to break the strength of wind. The crematorium was a welcoming beacon to guide us home. It looked like part of a star studded piece of the sky and fallen to earth. It was beautiful if ever i should say such a thing, and very compelling to watch. Too much of a distraction for someone like me. I could feel myself drifting across the road towards the lights, oops.

Mikey very much in my thoughts this evening. His cousin, who he kept in touch with was very low in mood, i know she misses Mikey at the moment and would have been able to talk to him about her worries. Mikey would have made her look at things in a positive way, understanding her frustrations. I can only listen. Mikey understood life, that's a rare gift, he had an ability to see into a problem. Its hard to explain.

Well i have done something special tonight and cant wait for next week. I will share my news then!! All thanks to Tim, what a man he is!! I really should count the blessings i have, but i cant help thinking how grey the world is without Mikey. He bought colour into our lives just by being here. That will for us never return and our lives will always be in the shadows now.
I miss Tom as well and i am sure our lives would have more purpose if he was closer to us, i know Tim wishes we could spend more time with him.
I continually hope for his transfer.
Are we an unlucky family? it just seems that some people go through life with no problems at all and yet ours have been dogged by misfortune, are we due for a change i do so hope so.

Well i have done my exercises, i have weighed and have put on a pound!!!! shame on me, it must be muscle!!!! A couple of walks out at the weekend i think and see how i do i am raring to go.
Tim wanted me to go back to athletics this weekend but i think that's just too soon i don't want to mess my knee up again!

Dr's again tonight, i just cant shift this cough. Asthma playing up, so change of inhaler more tablets and hope this will clear everything up ready for a new me but saying that, Tomorrow is another day!....

Day 159

Another day in paradise? i think not.

How come i haven't noticed the primroses growing in the drive? i pass them four times a day at least. I must be living in a dream world half the time. I adore nature and the area i live and yet i could be anywhere today. I wonder why?

Work is relentless and there is no time to gather thoughts or to sit. I almost passed out today, twice!! then realised i had had nothing to drink for most of the day. Stupid or what! No time to sit and stare...... Is it worth it? i have to say how i feel at the moment no it isn't.
The mind is a peculiar thing, today it was racing ahead and i had manged to get all the days work and the next days done before lunch, however reality was not the same! So then it was trying to pull all the thought treads to some semblance of order, a mammoth task!
Its impossible to do two peoples jobs, and to do them well and tasks are left half completed! ah well no point worrying about it.

Physio this evening, and yippee the hamstring is repairing well, i can start to use Roger and some very short runs. Only a few steps and see how things go. Lots of exercises to do as well but they are important. When am i going to find the time? something will have to give!!!! Still really positive news for me at last. Tim has got to help with some of the exercises. I haven't told him yet, and i know he will be a hard task master and make sure i put effort into them. Oh deary me!! I can feel a sylph like figure coming on!!!!

Listening to the news tonight and hearing about all the weather problems that are happening does make you wonder if these are the effects of global warming.
Tonight the wind is howling around the bungalow and the car port roof sounds as if it will take off at any moment!! I love being inside when you can hear the wind and rain lashing at the windows. The changes of sounds are comforting and do tend to send me off to sleep. I have high hopes of a good night sleep after i have done my home work!!!

Looks like i will use the car tomorrow, I'm useless on a bike in the wind, not safe to be on the roads.
Tims been looking at Thundercats, oh i rather like the ideas. Tim used to have one in the nineties and we went miles on it. I may even be able to manage to ride it myself. I loved my ZX400 though such a pretty bike and very nippy. Maybe i will put a picture on here at some point.
Got my ipod fixed so all ready for getting out and about again.
Weigh day Friday, eek not looking forward to that, i wonder how the sisters are doing, better check my e mails.
Got through another Thursday but tomorrow is another day...........

Day 158

Half way through the week already!!! It feels cold again today! even though the sun is really trying hard to make some effort to chase away winter. However the wind is getting up and there was a good blow across the fields today.

Tim went out today and had a train journey so that was good i rather think he enjoyed it. Tonight he was toying with the idea of getting another motorbike and asked if i would come on the back with him. I used to have a lovely bike and rode myself, would i enjoy being a pillion again. I'm not sure. Still we will wait and see what he decides. I know there is no chance that i could get into my leathers. I tried some time ago and the only item that fits is my helmet!! Lots of work to do if i should attempt to wear them again!!

Heard from the sisters oh deary me they have all put weight on this week. It makes me feel good!!! as i too put on a pound, shame on me! What a lot of effort has been made and its a gain.
I was eating a rice cake tonight and Tim asked if it was worth it and suggested a dummy may give me more comfort! now there is a thought. Still I'm going to keep on going.
Desperately hoping the physio is going to let me get back to some serious exercise soon, as like now!! but there is no point putting all this work and effort into getting me walking if i try something to soon. Patience has never been a strong point for me!

Work has been challenging to say the least and it has taken over my day yet again. I still consider at the moment its a good thing and certainly keeping misery at bay.
Just need to get fit and Tim happy and i think i can say we are beginning to move forward. Its been almost 6 months now since we lost Mikey its so very hard to believe that.
I feel as though i have been walking or at times crawling through treacle to get where i am today. I am aware that there is no let up, no respite from my emotional state. As yet we have not moved anything of Mikey's and wonder if we ever will. I am not saddened by them but they give me some kind of solace. Mikeys backpack remains where he always put it and we have no desire to open and disturb the meagre contents.
Tim and i cannot understand still, why Claire has not allowed us to have some of his things. Perhaps its a power thing? maybe its her way of grieving i don't know perhaps in the future she may reflect on the situation, who's to say. But i do wonder how she could possibly throw everything away as though Mikey hasn't existed. Perhaps its because she is young. We know that life does go on and we would not expect her to remain single, but surely some respect would not have hurt her. Things like photos of ours that Mikey had we will never ever be able to replace, what use are they to her. Well i suppose we will never know now.
I am surprised how i can write these words down down and with very little emotion, just pondering i suppose.

I can feel my bed calling so i really ought to make an effort. The one thing that is not getting any better is my sleeping!! However all things considered what with my back and now the ham string sleep hasn't been easy!! but we can as Mikey said hope for better things. On that note, Tomorrow is another day.......

Day 157

A good old north easterly wind blowing across the fens this morning. Feeling really chilly this morning.
Still the sun has been trying to get out giving the day an almost spring like feeling. The daffs are sprouting outside the bungalow. Now why haven't i noticed them before? The crocus are trying their hardest to flower. A change in the atmosphere, the fens are stirring and beginning to awaken from the winter.
The days are getting longer. At 4.30pm it was still daylight. It seems hard to believe that a few weeks ago it was still dark at 3.30pm.

I had some chocolate today, shame on me but i went swimming tonight so i hope i have burned off the calories other wise i will have the sisters to contend with!! cant have that.
The knee held up well so i am hoping that all will go well on Thursday. I can feel an evening with Roger coming on!
Its amazing really how low in mood you get when you are in pain and i just feel so much better emotionally at the moment. Still very aware that this can change but remain positive!
Had a phone call from the Drs surgery i seem to have missed a counselling session they booked for me. Now why do i need to go. Lesley is her name and she seems really very nice so perhaps i will give it a whirl.

Tim doesn't seem his usual self today and i don't know why. I have asked him but he says he is OK. I look at him now and see how much he has aged since Mikey died. Tim rarely speaks about Mikey, in fact he has very little to say full stop. Its me who seems to bring all conversation into the home. Perhaps with me not being able to do much recently has affected him too. I wish he would go and have a game of golf I'm sure it would do him good but it seems he doesn't want to mix with anyone. I asked him to contact Ash for a game of golf but he wont. I'm sure he misses the visits from his sister who used to pop round with a cake. Still they made their choices and they are all adults its up to them to sort it out.
I have never asked Tim to stop having contact with his sister and brother in law in fact have encouraged Tim to maintain their relationship, all i have asked is he does not discuss me at all. It matters not to me but families are important and they are all they have. It will be too late soon and its no good having regrets.
Goodness only knows what Mikey would make of this. It would not be what he wanted at all and would be so upset about the divide in the family. However about the situation that occurred following our loss i am and remain unforgiving. I can live with that.

Tonight when driving past Foxs boatyard, the smoke from the wood fires on the narrow boats, drifted across the bypass in fog like tendrils, the aroma wafting into the car. I can only imagine how cosy the boat dwellers must have been, all snug and warm, roasting in front of the fire.
What a lovely thought for the end of another very busy day at work. Because i feel an inner calm i wanted to share a photo of Mikey that makes feel good when i look at it. It also make me very sad but still........

                                                         Mikey 4 weeks before he died.

Tomorrow is another day