Yeah, yeah, yeah heard it all before and here i am 4 days in trying to get here. Or am i just making excuses? who knows maybe i am. I hope not because this is the one place i can just get rid of all my pent up feelings and boy tonight have i a lot to get rid of, but maybe just maybe this isn't really the place. Where is i ask myself.
With all the problems we have had over the past year why is it that other people just make it so damn difficult for you.
So I'm in pain from my back but tonight i have a serious pain in the backside!!!! Grrr
I get home from work and enjoying a quiet swim or so i think. Yep work again. Spend the rest of the evening there. Tim is by now getting really fed up and i can understand it. It really is taking over my life, or am i just letting it. Two steps forward and 46 back!!!! will i ever learn.
Tom is causing me some concerns!!! and I'm really worried about him and the next few weeks.
The diy at the week end, well i have traipsed up to the DIY shop more times than i have had hot dinners. Sunday was no exception!! Boy was i sorely tempted to but the drill where the sun doesn't shine!! am i sounding a bit stressed tonight. I am sure i am because i feel it!!!
Bank holiday Monday well i wish i could have slept through that!! i did take a car out for a test drive! liked it told Tim when i got home after he had told me i was the one who would drive the car even though i had said i preferred another type! Still duly went and then he says what about this model!! you cant win. When i say just make your mind up and stick to it, I'm wrong! and they women cant make there minds up. Today its another make and model!!! This is the very reason i said i wouldn't change MY car when he sold his. Famous last words again.
I really do avoid anything that would cause an argument. That's rich really after the events of today. I cant believe i allowed myself to be pushed to such an extent that i lost my temper. No not with Tim!!!!! i can count on one hand the number of times that has happened to me. Ive been cross, upset certainly but to lose that control, rarely. It has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and i do not like how it has left me feeling. No matter the justification. So I'm sitting here now beating myself up with a stick!!
I have physio in the morning so hope that will make some of this pain go away!! i wonder if i will be able to run tomorrow? hardly i think, and that's making me frustrated as well!!
I'm such a misery tonight I'm fed up with myself!! if i read this again in a few months i will be thinking you silly old fool what an earth were you rabbiting on about! Still here is here and now is now!
There are so many more important things to think about and yet i continually allow myself to be dragged along on this road to knowhere!
I have been clearing out the bedrooms and its been an emotional time as well, finding more and more reminders of Mikey. Such bitter sweet memories. So much sadness and joy all mixed together. The need to cry and the time to cry. The need to laugh and smile and the sorrow of our loss. There is no easy way to describe the complexity of this emotional journey. Each day throws up new challenges to overcome. To some extent i do cope but on other days its so hard. Thats when you find yourself becoming the person you know you are not! Does that make sense? some days you just dont recognise yourself. Some days you really dont give a rats.. who you are!!!!
Today i dont like myself but hey, tomorrow is another day................
Wednesday 31 August 2011
Saturday 27 August 2011
Day 372/373
One of these days I'm going to do exactly as i say i will! One day!!
My goodness it never rains but it pours, literally my sister in in America and in the heart of the Hurricane! just hope she keeps safe.
Back to me, and i have reflected on my recent Blogs and how they have become almost lists of things i have done during the day. Clearly this is what i have become! Doing things by rote.
Manging the days. Certainly it seems as thought the weeks are just passing by. It begins Monday and before you know it its Friday and you question what have you done.
Work begins at 9am and finishes, never! I continue to leave work later and later and spend so much time going back. Tim is getting rather fed up about it. I cant blame him.
I think Ive become rather cold and harder. Not like me, i usually feel colourful inside, strange way to describe myself, my Dad used to call me sunshine even when i was an adult!! i do feel as thought he light has gone out inside. I wonder if it will ever get switched back on. I hope so. Otherwise i will not be the mum that Mikey knew and loved!! I don't laugh like i did, maybe i will.
The last year has been horrendous on many levels, I'm not sure what to expect this year! Maybe this is the time we adjust. We shall see.
I don't cry all the time now, and can get through the days without those awful pictures in my head. I think of Mikey every day, it is easier now and not so raw. Usually!!!! I still have those sudden episodes of complete despair and disbelief. I can at least manage to get away from people in time now and weep in private.
Duke has been a huge help and very therapeutic for us both. Tim is out and about walking now with Duke and is beginning to talk to more people, that can only be a good thing. Tim says he wouldn't care if he never spoke to a soul again! that would be such a lonely existence. I think i would go mad!! Maybe i am. My concentration is still poor! and hasn't been helped by the pain killers. Ooh sent me rather high!! my mouth couldn't keep up with the word flow. How odd was that!!
What an idiot i am, falling over last week and the cost of that little 'trip'!! backs lousy and I'm trying to keep on walking! i really want to get back running. I really missed Thursday. i cant afford to miss it too often as we have a 10 mile run coming up and i need to practice and practice. I think i may have to go out every day once I'm fit again!! I wonder if my body is telling me I'm an old fool! Still i don't believe that age really matters. I would love to be one of those eccentric 75year old who dons a pair of shorts and roller skates up the road every day. An embarrassment to their children and friends! You never know!! It would be just my luck to fall off them and break a hip! best take those bone tablets!! Are the cod liver oil ones working i ask my self well maybe they are, who knows!
My new lens arrived today for my DX i have yet to work out how to fit it!! My Garmin arrived this week as well and yep! i need to work out how to use that too. Problem solving week end it would appear.
On top of that i have all the cupboards and wardrobes to clear ready for Tom coming next week end. I have loads of boxes. I was saving them for Diana but it seems that will be put to another good use instead. The house resembles cardboard city!!
Bought some new Cd's to load onto my ipod! if i can remember how to do that.
Bought Duke a new bed today, to see how he gets on instead of his blanket that he constantly tries to cover himself up with!! Tim still made it comfy for him!!
We took Duke out for a ride in the car this evening to try and get him used to it. He was a good boy. We are still looking for an estate car. Not a big one i draw the line at that!!
I ordered Tom a dog guard from Amazon and that should have reached him today! Tom never thinks ahead, he is bringing Rocky down next Friday to Linda's and I'm not sure how he will get on. I think he will want to keep him with him but that's impossible. Tom says he will visit him every day, we shall see.
Tom said yesterday the down side of him coming to us is that i want be buying him new trainers now!!! only because every time i went up to see him i would take him trainers! I wonder if that was a hint!
I have some of my advanced medication training today!! a bit at a time, more tomorrow, if i can fit it in!!
I may be going up to Doncaster next week end to help Tom move some of his stuff. Tom wants me to meet him at Linda's next Friday so i will try and get the day off! I'm owed so much in time owing it shouldn't be a problem.
Well i better have a look at the lens and see if i can make sense of it. Its a zoom lens so i expect it could be called a s'n'uper lens!! it is rather large lets hope for fab results. I will post them on here. Praps i should do the exercises though um Decisions, decisions. Every thing can wait!
After all,Tomorrow is another day.............................
My goodness it never rains but it pours, literally my sister in in America and in the heart of the Hurricane! just hope she keeps safe.
Back to me, and i have reflected on my recent Blogs and how they have become almost lists of things i have done during the day. Clearly this is what i have become! Doing things by rote.
Manging the days. Certainly it seems as thought the weeks are just passing by. It begins Monday and before you know it its Friday and you question what have you done.
Work begins at 9am and finishes, never! I continue to leave work later and later and spend so much time going back. Tim is getting rather fed up about it. I cant blame him.
I think Ive become rather cold and harder. Not like me, i usually feel colourful inside, strange way to describe myself, my Dad used to call me sunshine even when i was an adult!! i do feel as thought he light has gone out inside. I wonder if it will ever get switched back on. I hope so. Otherwise i will not be the mum that Mikey knew and loved!! I don't laugh like i did, maybe i will.
The last year has been horrendous on many levels, I'm not sure what to expect this year! Maybe this is the time we adjust. We shall see.
I don't cry all the time now, and can get through the days without those awful pictures in my head. I think of Mikey every day, it is easier now and not so raw. Usually!!!! I still have those sudden episodes of complete despair and disbelief. I can at least manage to get away from people in time now and weep in private.
Duke has been a huge help and very therapeutic for us both. Tim is out and about walking now with Duke and is beginning to talk to more people, that can only be a good thing. Tim says he wouldn't care if he never spoke to a soul again! that would be such a lonely existence. I think i would go mad!! Maybe i am. My concentration is still poor! and hasn't been helped by the pain killers. Ooh sent me rather high!! my mouth couldn't keep up with the word flow. How odd was that!!
What an idiot i am, falling over last week and the cost of that little 'trip'!! backs lousy and I'm trying to keep on walking! i really want to get back running. I really missed Thursday. i cant afford to miss it too often as we have a 10 mile run coming up and i need to practice and practice. I think i may have to go out every day once I'm fit again!! I wonder if my body is telling me I'm an old fool! Still i don't believe that age really matters. I would love to be one of those eccentric 75year old who dons a pair of shorts and roller skates up the road every day. An embarrassment to their children and friends! You never know!! It would be just my luck to fall off them and break a hip! best take those bone tablets!! Are the cod liver oil ones working i ask my self well maybe they are, who knows!
My new lens arrived today for my DX i have yet to work out how to fit it!! My Garmin arrived this week as well and yep! i need to work out how to use that too. Problem solving week end it would appear.
On top of that i have all the cupboards and wardrobes to clear ready for Tom coming next week end. I have loads of boxes. I was saving them for Diana but it seems that will be put to another good use instead. The house resembles cardboard city!!
Bought some new Cd's to load onto my ipod! if i can remember how to do that.
Bought Duke a new bed today, to see how he gets on instead of his blanket that he constantly tries to cover himself up with!! Tim still made it comfy for him!!
We took Duke out for a ride in the car this evening to try and get him used to it. He was a good boy. We are still looking for an estate car. Not a big one i draw the line at that!!
I ordered Tom a dog guard from Amazon and that should have reached him today! Tom never thinks ahead, he is bringing Rocky down next Friday to Linda's and I'm not sure how he will get on. I think he will want to keep him with him but that's impossible. Tom says he will visit him every day, we shall see.
Tom said yesterday the down side of him coming to us is that i want be buying him new trainers now!!! only because every time i went up to see him i would take him trainers! I wonder if that was a hint!
I have some of my advanced medication training today!! a bit at a time, more tomorrow, if i can fit it in!!
I may be going up to Doncaster next week end to help Tom move some of his stuff. Tom wants me to meet him at Linda's next Friday so i will try and get the day off! I'm owed so much in time owing it shouldn't be a problem.
Well i better have a look at the lens and see if i can make sense of it. Its a zoom lens so i expect it could be called a s'n'uper lens!! it is rather large lets hope for fab results. I will post them on here. Praps i should do the exercises though um Decisions, decisions. Every thing can wait!
After all,Tomorrow is another day.............................
Thursday 25 August 2011
Day 369/370/371
Yep i know i have been quiet for a few days, but I'm in agony!!. The trip at the week end has caused me some problems after all. Seems that i have put my back out again! Good news is i managed to get in to see physio today and its the muscles that have gone into spasm, thankfully.
I hope i have got seen to quickly enough, just been told not to run for a week! lots of exercises to do and back next week.
I have been to bed early! but not today.
Tom phoned me today and yippee he has his transfer date, and its next week. Seems sudden now and its such a shame its a year late, but what a day to get the news. The 25th August, the day we had Mikey's service. Odd how things happen.
So lots to do! wardrobes to empty and space to be made. Home to find for Rocky and so quickly!! Toms now feeling a bit uncertain it is a big thing to do. Up sticks and move but i do hope he will start to get himself together and live a little.
I really cant sit for long but hope i can get on tomorrow night a blog for England we shall see, after all tomorrow is another day.
I hope i have got seen to quickly enough, just been told not to run for a week! lots of exercises to do and back next week.
I have been to bed early! but not today.
Tom phoned me today and yippee he has his transfer date, and its next week. Seems sudden now and its such a shame its a year late, but what a day to get the news. The 25th August, the day we had Mikey's service. Odd how things happen.
So lots to do! wardrobes to empty and space to be made. Home to find for Rocky and so quickly!! Toms now feeling a bit uncertain it is a big thing to do. Up sticks and move but i do hope he will start to get himself together and live a little.
I really cant sit for long but hope i can get on tomorrow night a blog for England we shall see, after all tomorrow is another day.
Monday 22 August 2011
DAY 367/368
Well did yesterday involve gardening,it did!!
First job of the day, town dog food and more wood! I was careful going into the DIY didn't want a repeat of Saturday. Managed to get the wood, exit the shop with no mishap. I had already been to the pet shop and discovered they had closed for the day. I would need to go to the warehouse!!
I arrived home eventually and to find Tim had put one of the latches on the garden gate, this confused Duke who had been able to open the gate. Duke was looking up trying to work out what had gone wrong!!
Time for a coffee and put lunch in the oven.
Tim decided i had time to fill the car up, go to the warehouse, collect a security light and to get a filling for the jackets!!
Off i go ware house first! diesel. filling and light. Arrive home to find Tim eating his lunch because i had taken to long!!!
Ate said lunch and Tim decided i should go and get him some new jeans!! Of to Peterborough. Home and then are we going for a walk!! Phew, no rest for the wicked then. By now it was evening, a quick trip to work to do a check!! big mistake, came home feeling very frustrated but decided to spend the rest of the night with Wuthering Heights and then some home work!!!
Awoke this morning with a headache!! a sing of things to come. No computer because a storm at the week end had blown the system, no water for part of the morning because work was being done to the tanks! Meetings with staff! joy of joys. Planning visitors etc and the day had gone!!
Puppy sitting this evening! Tim went to look for an estate, no luck there! why didn't i go and look over the week end was my husbands question!!! Grrrrrrrrr broomstick springs to mind!
Grocery shopping tonight. I met an old friend who asked how Mikey was! she was unaware we had lost him. I'm not sure who felt worse, her or me!
Mikey has been in our conversations of late. That's a good thing that we are able to chat about him without bursting into floods of tears, at least sometimes!!
Tom phoned to say his move may be in the next few weeks!! oh i do hope so. At least Tom should be able to start to have some quality of life, and at least he will be closer to us. I shall feel so much better i think. It that selfish, i expect so. I just hope that other family members remember who's son he is! i cant go through all of that hastle again. Tom will say something I'm sure though. Still that could be me putting the horse before the cart too soon!!
I have homework to do and Greys anatomy will be on shortly and i am going to indulge!!! Work, yes decision made, it can wait for the morning!!
Running tomorrow! and the wretched foot is still swollen from dropping the heavy file on it.
I must be accident prone or plain clumsy!! I'm always in the wars, i just wish i was as fit as a butchers dog and as lean!! still I'm working on that. I'm 9st 7lb now and to think i was 11st 2lb at the start of the year. Hit a bit of a wall at the moment so i had a portion of chips tonight!!! horror of horrors! still i hope to run that off tomorrow night.
I have homework to do and Grays anatomy is back tonight and I'm going to indulge!! work, yes decision made it can wait for the morning, after all tomorrow is another day.
First job of the day, town dog food and more wood! I was careful going into the DIY didn't want a repeat of Saturday. Managed to get the wood, exit the shop with no mishap. I had already been to the pet shop and discovered they had closed for the day. I would need to go to the warehouse!!
I arrived home eventually and to find Tim had put one of the latches on the garden gate, this confused Duke who had been able to open the gate. Duke was looking up trying to work out what had gone wrong!!
Time for a coffee and put lunch in the oven.
Tim decided i had time to fill the car up, go to the warehouse, collect a security light and to get a filling for the jackets!!
Off i go ware house first! diesel. filling and light. Arrive home to find Tim eating his lunch because i had taken to long!!!
Ate said lunch and Tim decided i should go and get him some new jeans!! Of to Peterborough. Home and then are we going for a walk!! Phew, no rest for the wicked then. By now it was evening, a quick trip to work to do a check!! big mistake, came home feeling very frustrated but decided to spend the rest of the night with Wuthering Heights and then some home work!!!
Awoke this morning with a headache!! a sing of things to come. No computer because a storm at the week end had blown the system, no water for part of the morning because work was being done to the tanks! Meetings with staff! joy of joys. Planning visitors etc and the day had gone!!
Puppy sitting this evening! Tim went to look for an estate, no luck there! why didn't i go and look over the week end was my husbands question!!! Grrrrrrrrr broomstick springs to mind!
Grocery shopping tonight. I met an old friend who asked how Mikey was! she was unaware we had lost him. I'm not sure who felt worse, her or me!
Mikey has been in our conversations of late. That's a good thing that we are able to chat about him without bursting into floods of tears, at least sometimes!!
Tom phoned to say his move may be in the next few weeks!! oh i do hope so. At least Tom should be able to start to have some quality of life, and at least he will be closer to us. I shall feel so much better i think. It that selfish, i expect so. I just hope that other family members remember who's son he is! i cant go through all of that hastle again. Tom will say something I'm sure though. Still that could be me putting the horse before the cart too soon!!
I have homework to do and Greys anatomy will be on shortly and i am going to indulge!!! Work, yes decision made, it can wait for the morning!!
Running tomorrow! and the wretched foot is still swollen from dropping the heavy file on it.
I must be accident prone or plain clumsy!! I'm always in the wars, i just wish i was as fit as a butchers dog and as lean!! still I'm working on that. I'm 9st 7lb now and to think i was 11st 2lb at the start of the year. Hit a bit of a wall at the moment so i had a portion of chips tonight!!! horror of horrors! still i hope to run that off tomorrow night.
I have homework to do and Grays anatomy is back tonight and I'm going to indulge!! work, yes decision made it can wait for the morning, after all tomorrow is another day.
Saturday 20 August 2011
DAY 366
And so today has been different, thank goodness. Another day like the last week has been and i will lose the will to get out of bed in the mornings. However saying that perhaps that is where i should have stayed!!
Tim decided to put a gate up around Mikey's garden! i went to fetch the timber, and carried it home!!! Tim meeting me at the traffic lights close to home!!
Not enough, so back i go again this time larger pieces, so i put them on my bike and pushed it home!!
Hinges!! off i go again and get the hinges and clasp!
Wrong hinges!!! back i go yet again, by now Ive helped with the drilling, screwing and looking after Duke, and still got to get to the library. I was going into the DIY when i tripped over the kerb and went flying!! thinking about my wrist as i was heading face down towards the floor i launched myself forward and over so not to crash strait down on my face, so it was wrists!! knee and hip oh yes and the elbow!!! I'm just not safe to be let out. All because i was in a hurry.
So home and then straight out to the library, calling at DIY again!! cos the screws were too short. Wouldn't it have been easier and quicker if Tim had gone himself???
Home to discover our neighbor looking over the fence and told us our lovely hedge had collapsed!! we thought it was growing thicker and spreading over the garden. It had come adrift at the back of the fence. That meant we had to secure it, which we couldn't. Only thing was to cut it back. There they were cutting and using ropes to secure to next doors post too help them get through it. Next came the timber shredder and our hedge became pulp!!! We have a much smaller hedge now!!!
Duke meanwhile had learned how to open the garden gate, so he let the neighbor in the yard and then opened the garden gate for him. I mean to say isn't that too much for a pup to do!!!
Anyway I'm sore and tired, I'm just going to put on the picture of me taken at wicken fen, its odd and no trick photography!!!
How odd is that!!! when its enlarged you can see this white aura around the camera as well!
Not sure what we are doing tomorrow, i just hope it doesn't involve gardening!!!! Ah well tomorrow is another day...................
Tim decided to put a gate up around Mikey's garden! i went to fetch the timber, and carried it home!!! Tim meeting me at the traffic lights close to home!!
Not enough, so back i go again this time larger pieces, so i put them on my bike and pushed it home!!
Hinges!! off i go again and get the hinges and clasp!
Wrong hinges!!! back i go yet again, by now Ive helped with the drilling, screwing and looking after Duke, and still got to get to the library. I was going into the DIY when i tripped over the kerb and went flying!! thinking about my wrist as i was heading face down towards the floor i launched myself forward and over so not to crash strait down on my face, so it was wrists!! knee and hip oh yes and the elbow!!! I'm just not safe to be let out. All because i was in a hurry.
So home and then straight out to the library, calling at DIY again!! cos the screws were too short. Wouldn't it have been easier and quicker if Tim had gone himself???
Home to discover our neighbor looking over the fence and told us our lovely hedge had collapsed!! we thought it was growing thicker and spreading over the garden. It had come adrift at the back of the fence. That meant we had to secure it, which we couldn't. Only thing was to cut it back. There they were cutting and using ropes to secure to next doors post too help them get through it. Next came the timber shredder and our hedge became pulp!!! We have a much smaller hedge now!!!
Duke meanwhile had learned how to open the garden gate, so he let the neighbor in the yard and then opened the garden gate for him. I mean to say isn't that too much for a pup to do!!!
Anyway I'm sore and tired, I'm just going to put on the picture of me taken at wicken fen, its odd and no trick photography!!!
Not sure what we are doing tomorrow, i just hope it doesn't involve gardening!!!! Ah well tomorrow is another day...................
Friday 19 August 2011
Day 364/365
My word its been a year of blogging, some daily posts and some 2-3 days before i blog.
I was driving tonight just as the the sun was setting over the fen. What a glorious sight. Nature does have a way of soothing the soul.
How odd that today has resulted in me really questioning where i should be and what i should be doing. I have felt over the past year whether i am doing the right job and indeed if i am doing it as well as i should. Today has been no exception and tonight and this week end i need to make a decision.
Sometimes when you put yourself last in the hope that others will perform well the cost to oneself is almost unbearable. The drive to succeed and do well also has its limitations and not without cost. Is this sustainable, I'm not sure that it is. I was reading a letter that was found today, written by me to another member of staff and i was so assertive, mind you the letter was written 10 years ago and i would say that person has got lost somewhere.
I wonder if it is because i care so passionately about work and the job i do that i have too high expectations of others? not too sure about that. But if i am to continue i am just going to have to think of me first, can i do that.
Mikey would have something to say about things, he would often ask if i could work in the CF unit as they were always looking for nurses. I said no i don't think i could. Now having lost Mikey i certainly couldn't. So where does that leave me, back to NHS or continue in the private sector, go back to nursing shifts or make a stand and fight for myself. Ummmm.
It could just be that this week has been really disappointing. I was so keen to get a grip this week. Oh well its not the end of the world is it.
Mikey's garden looks lovely and this week end Tim wants to build a fence, a bigger fence!!! to protect it from Duke!!! so we should be busy!
Tim said today how much he misses Mikey and every day he has a tear, that made me feel a bit better because I'm doing that too! Its just so bloody hard. I wonder am i wallowing, i don't think so. It feels as if it was only yesterday, what a strange thing time is. Where does it go. The older i become the quicker it passes! I seem to have blinked and a week has gone by. We are certainly on the slippery slope downwards!
Do you know i was always so fussy about how i dressed and i had quite a thing about changing earrings and necklaces daily to match my clothes, i cant be bothered anymore, and yet that has always been fundamentally me. Again its odd how i have changed. I do wonder if there is any hope that i will be able to find myself. Perhaps i am a different person and that's where the conflict is.
Certainly tonight is a time for reflection. I thought this would have happened before now or indeed last week. Just goes to show that there is no measure, no set period and that everything has to be to suit individuals.
Am i waffling on! yes i am, i sound quite mad! and maybe i am!!!! I have more ups and downs than a roller coaster, climb aboard for a white knuckle ride!! its free.
My picture was in the paper this week!! Tim liked it he said i looked ready for the off and was pleased to see that something really was giving me some pleasure. It has, running is my solace, even though I'm rubbish at it! still at least I'm trying, some days! On others i suppose I'm very trying.
I'm going to give up swimming in the new year and either run another day or spend the time with Tim and go for some walks. Yet another night this week with no how water and the pool was cold again. So either you cant swim, cant use the jacuzzi or no showers!! Not good at all!
My running partner had good news today so next week we will get back to our usual runs, neither of us have been fit this week. Dropping a huge file on my foot didn't help either!!! ah the joys of being accident prone.
I haven't heard from my friend Diana for a while i hope she is OK, i will send her a message over the week end.
Well it would appear that misery once again caught up with me and she is almost suffocating me with her shroud of despair! and i was so pleased with myself earlier this week that i had managed to feel her coming! famous last words. Ah well tomorrow is another day........
I was driving tonight just as the the sun was setting over the fen. What a glorious sight. Nature does have a way of soothing the soul.
How odd that today has resulted in me really questioning where i should be and what i should be doing. I have felt over the past year whether i am doing the right job and indeed if i am doing it as well as i should. Today has been no exception and tonight and this week end i need to make a decision.
Sometimes when you put yourself last in the hope that others will perform well the cost to oneself is almost unbearable. The drive to succeed and do well also has its limitations and not without cost. Is this sustainable, I'm not sure that it is. I was reading a letter that was found today, written by me to another member of staff and i was so assertive, mind you the letter was written 10 years ago and i would say that person has got lost somewhere.
I wonder if it is because i care so passionately about work and the job i do that i have too high expectations of others? not too sure about that. But if i am to continue i am just going to have to think of me first, can i do that.
Mikey would have something to say about things, he would often ask if i could work in the CF unit as they were always looking for nurses. I said no i don't think i could. Now having lost Mikey i certainly couldn't. So where does that leave me, back to NHS or continue in the private sector, go back to nursing shifts or make a stand and fight for myself. Ummmm.
It could just be that this week has been really disappointing. I was so keen to get a grip this week. Oh well its not the end of the world is it.
Mikey's garden looks lovely and this week end Tim wants to build a fence, a bigger fence!!! to protect it from Duke!!! so we should be busy!
Tim said today how much he misses Mikey and every day he has a tear, that made me feel a bit better because I'm doing that too! Its just so bloody hard. I wonder am i wallowing, i don't think so. It feels as if it was only yesterday, what a strange thing time is. Where does it go. The older i become the quicker it passes! I seem to have blinked and a week has gone by. We are certainly on the slippery slope downwards!
Do you know i was always so fussy about how i dressed and i had quite a thing about changing earrings and necklaces daily to match my clothes, i cant be bothered anymore, and yet that has always been fundamentally me. Again its odd how i have changed. I do wonder if there is any hope that i will be able to find myself. Perhaps i am a different person and that's where the conflict is.
Certainly tonight is a time for reflection. I thought this would have happened before now or indeed last week. Just goes to show that there is no measure, no set period and that everything has to be to suit individuals.
Am i waffling on! yes i am, i sound quite mad! and maybe i am!!!! I have more ups and downs than a roller coaster, climb aboard for a white knuckle ride!! its free.
My picture was in the paper this week!! Tim liked it he said i looked ready for the off and was pleased to see that something really was giving me some pleasure. It has, running is my solace, even though I'm rubbish at it! still at least I'm trying, some days! On others i suppose I'm very trying.
I'm going to give up swimming in the new year and either run another day or spend the time with Tim and go for some walks. Yet another night this week with no how water and the pool was cold again. So either you cant swim, cant use the jacuzzi or no showers!! Not good at all!
My running partner had good news today so next week we will get back to our usual runs, neither of us have been fit this week. Dropping a huge file on my foot didn't help either!!! ah the joys of being accident prone.
I haven't heard from my friend Diana for a while i hope she is OK, i will send her a message over the week end.
Well it would appear that misery once again caught up with me and she is almost suffocating me with her shroud of despair! and i was so pleased with myself earlier this week that i had managed to feel her coming! famous last words. Ah well tomorrow is another day........
Wednesday 17 August 2011
Day 360/363
Its been a really tiring few days and i just couldn't generate the enthusiasm to blog.
Sunday was the day of Thorney run. It was another hot day and it was anew route for us. It was as well the first away race, very worrying. Anyway we got to Thorney in good time and my word there was a lot of people. We managed to get to the front for the start, well that would be only time we would be out in the lead. It didn't last long. It was an amazing sound hearing all those feet running past, i cant believe how well we did. 58 Min's for the 5 miles. We were really pleased.
Tim thought i did well and i then slept for about 3 hours!!! still found it hard to come to for the rest of the day!!! Oh and my ankle bones were sore!! And we didn't come last, yippee!!!
Before
Sunday was the day of Thorney run. It was another hot day and it was anew route for us. It was as well the first away race, very worrying. Anyway we got to Thorney in good time and my word there was a lot of people. We managed to get to the front for the start, well that would be only time we would be out in the lead. It didn't last long. It was an amazing sound hearing all those feet running past, i cant believe how well we did. 58 Min's for the 5 miles. We were really pleased.
Tim thought i did well and i then slept for about 3 hours!!! still found it hard to come to for the rest of the day!!! Oh and my ankle bones were sore!! And we didn't come last, yippee!!!
 |
| After |
Work on Monday and we had another surprise visit from our internal validators and they remained here for two days!!! Everything went a bit pear shaped and the work generated from that has been quite significant. I fell into bed early last night for a change.
Today has just as manic and i think i will book some leave! at least some quality time with Tim. Yesterday he said never mind the dog, he would bite me when i come home soon!! In otherwise I'm becoming a stranger!
We have spent a lot of time in the evenings reflecting on what we have done and where we hope to be in the future at the same time recognising that we are both struggling to see too far ahead. Mikey remains so much in our thoughts. Tonight Tim laughed at Mikey's casket and said I'm sure that's moved! i think Mikey must be getting out at night and having a dance around. Mikey would have enjoyed the thought of Tim joking. He had such a lovely sense of humour and couldn't be serious for long.
Tim's sister has been round to see him and today Tom called again just to see if everything was OK. Tim said Tom seemed a bit happier in his mood today.
I have been blogging for almost a year now and it really has been a great comfort to me. I have allowed myself to get my feelings off my chest and I'm sure it has enabled me to be where i am today.
A year!!! it seems like yesterday. Yet it seems forever. Strange to think like that.
Certainly there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We all cope differently and its a very individual process. I still wear different faces for work, home, socially etc. Its another way of coping. Running has also been such a positive thing for me to do, it also helped the week to go by.
I think the next step will be to get an estate to take Duke out with us. He has helped us so much, especially Tim. He is growing and becoming quite a character
Well it will soon be time for work, misery has left me alone for a few days, gone on to another victim, shes tiring of me because i can tell when she is getting close. I expect she will pounce when my guard is down, but not today!! but.......... tomorrow is another day!
Saturday 13 August 2011
Day 358/359
So i didn't blog yesterday!
It was a strange day and to be honest although it was the 12th and the day Mikey left us, Thursday was without question the most miserable and the most wretched.
Tim was so pleased the Diana called round and has spent the last two days recalling snippets of their conversation. How kind of her, as always!! i love her to pieces. A very true friend. You know the sort that even if you hadn't have seen them in years, they would drop everything if you was in trouble. A rare and precious gift is friendship like that.
We went to Sherringham yesterday and took Duke. My word i spent the whole journey whittling about him that i had no thought for anything else!! He made it though. We had a quiet reflective time and our lunch out. Yep the diet was out as well!!!
It was strange to see the people in this part of the world out enjoying the tranquil sea air and sunshine whilst other parts of the country were torn apart by rioters. How odd. It was as if we were in another country. We discussed why it was happening, and a comment was, look those children are with their parents. Is that it?? Can it be as simple as all that. I don't know.
Tom phoned me today and chatted for ages, his first words were, i thought i would ring cos its a year today! Tom has been so thoughtful about all the anniversaries and just checking if we are OK. It was always Mikey that would be so thoughtful and Tom bless him never really bothered, and yet now he is always on the phone. Lovely and means so much to me.
It was the Perseid meteor night!! and decide to go to Wicken Fen to watch for the stars. A fitting end to a very special day. Tim didn't want to go but my niece Joni said she would come. It would also give me chance to try out the camera a bit more!!
I collected Jo about 2345 hrs and off we drove into the night. Tim and Duke tucked up in bed. Us out on the road with a flask and hand torch!! oh and a route map.
Wicken Fen is part of the national trust and is one of the top 25 places in the country to star watch. They have an area purposely for viewing.
There was surprisingly a lot of traffic on the roads, and i was so grateful to have had the laser treatment on my eyes because at least i could see where i was going.
We reached Wicken and then went down this lonely lane and found a car park! yep this was it.
We really must be mad two women out on their own in the middle of the country, miles from anywhere and pitch black!!
We got all our gear together, looked at the map and off we went. Well you couldn't see a thing! Joni had a headlamp on which was helpful because we could read the instructions/directions of the route. It was helpful when it read, there will be trees and shrubs on you left!!! we were in the country, yep plenty of trees and shrubs. The next instruction was regarding a wide footbridge over water with no handrails, keep to the path because of the water either side. Oh we had gone wrong. Footbridge yes, handrails, yes!!! wrong path and wrong bridge. MAYBE NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA!!! We should have checked it out in the day time but we were not the only ones apparently lost!!! We turned round, looking skyward for shooting stars and yes we were lucky we did see some. The moon was out and very bright and the clouds were keeping away. Still we needed the moon to go behind a small cloud just to make it darker still! Ooops be careful what you wish for.
Barking, is it a dog or a fox? nope definitely a dog. The biggest retriever ever came loping towards us. Poor Joni, i crept behind her and left her to face the hound first!!! Phew, friendly!!! still it shot off again into the bushes.
We spent an hour and a half looking skyward and trying out our cameras and got some amazing pictures. Joni took one of me and it is most odd, there is a beam of light coming from the camera into my eyes and a white haze all around the camera and my hands. Joni has sent it by e mail but i cant copy it it off so she will pop it on a disc and let me have it. I will post it as soon as i can! very bizarre.
We got home at 0230hrs and will do it again next year!
Mikey would have loved trying out his camera here, and probably got lots better pictures than us, still here is a few.
Jo with route!
Lost again!!
Today has been quiet and we haven't done a thing, but I'm all ready for the morning and hope we do well. I'm not sure really how i will do, i just hope i can finish the race!! Its come quickly after Thursday but as i have continually been saying, tomorrow is another day
It was a strange day and to be honest although it was the 12th and the day Mikey left us, Thursday was without question the most miserable and the most wretched.
Tim was so pleased the Diana called round and has spent the last two days recalling snippets of their conversation. How kind of her, as always!! i love her to pieces. A very true friend. You know the sort that even if you hadn't have seen them in years, they would drop everything if you was in trouble. A rare and precious gift is friendship like that.
We went to Sherringham yesterday and took Duke. My word i spent the whole journey whittling about him that i had no thought for anything else!! He made it though. We had a quiet reflective time and our lunch out. Yep the diet was out as well!!!
It was strange to see the people in this part of the world out enjoying the tranquil sea air and sunshine whilst other parts of the country were torn apart by rioters. How odd. It was as if we were in another country. We discussed why it was happening, and a comment was, look those children are with their parents. Is that it?? Can it be as simple as all that. I don't know.
Tom phoned me today and chatted for ages, his first words were, i thought i would ring cos its a year today! Tom has been so thoughtful about all the anniversaries and just checking if we are OK. It was always Mikey that would be so thoughtful and Tom bless him never really bothered, and yet now he is always on the phone. Lovely and means so much to me.
It was the Perseid meteor night!! and decide to go to Wicken Fen to watch for the stars. A fitting end to a very special day. Tim didn't want to go but my niece Joni said she would come. It would also give me chance to try out the camera a bit more!!
I collected Jo about 2345 hrs and off we drove into the night. Tim and Duke tucked up in bed. Us out on the road with a flask and hand torch!! oh and a route map.
Wicken Fen is part of the national trust and is one of the top 25 places in the country to star watch. They have an area purposely for viewing.
There was surprisingly a lot of traffic on the roads, and i was so grateful to have had the laser treatment on my eyes because at least i could see where i was going.
We reached Wicken and then went down this lonely lane and found a car park! yep this was it.
We really must be mad two women out on their own in the middle of the country, miles from anywhere and pitch black!!
We got all our gear together, looked at the map and off we went. Well you couldn't see a thing! Joni had a headlamp on which was helpful because we could read the instructions/directions of the route. It was helpful when it read, there will be trees and shrubs on you left!!! we were in the country, yep plenty of trees and shrubs. The next instruction was regarding a wide footbridge over water with no handrails, keep to the path because of the water either side. Oh we had gone wrong. Footbridge yes, handrails, yes!!! wrong path and wrong bridge. MAYBE NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA!!! We should have checked it out in the day time but we were not the only ones apparently lost!!! We turned round, looking skyward for shooting stars and yes we were lucky we did see some. The moon was out and very bright and the clouds were keeping away. Still we needed the moon to go behind a small cloud just to make it darker still! Ooops be careful what you wish for.
Barking, is it a dog or a fox? nope definitely a dog. The biggest retriever ever came loping towards us. Poor Joni, i crept behind her and left her to face the hound first!!! Phew, friendly!!! still it shot off again into the bushes.
We spent an hour and a half looking skyward and trying out our cameras and got some amazing pictures. Joni took one of me and it is most odd, there is a beam of light coming from the camera into my eyes and a white haze all around the camera and my hands. Joni has sent it by e mail but i cant copy it it off so she will pop it on a disc and let me have it. I will post it as soon as i can! very bizarre.
We got home at 0230hrs and will do it again next year!
Mikey would have loved trying out his camera here, and probably got lots better pictures than us, still here is a few.
Today has been quiet and we haven't done a thing, but I'm all ready for the morning and hope we do well. I'm not sure really how i will do, i just hope i can finish the race!! Its come quickly after Thursday but as i have continually been saying, tomorrow is another day
Thursday 11 August 2011
Day356/357
I feel so wretched. I can only say this is such a dark time for us.
I cant think about yesterday but today i have cried and cried. I should have taken today off as well as tomorrow but i didn't realise i would feel so bad. Ha!! just goes to show that even when you feel strong, you crumble.
Time and looking at the clock bought back so many bad memories. I know its the 12th tomorrow but it was a Thursday when Mikey left us. And i do feel so very sad.
Work certainly didn't help, concentration was abysmal and i really was worse then useless today. Oh well some things just have to suffer, and some people did.
It was another club race tonight 5k and i was determined to run for Mikey tonight. I was flagging a bit but then thought Mikey couldn't breathe but kept on going, so would i. We surprised ourselves and got a PB!!!!! we beat our last time by 6 whole minutes!!! outstanding. It was a good feeling and has given me hope that to run the marathon is achievable. We run next on Sunday. We are running from another club at Thorney, i hope we do well, its another 5 miles so we will have to see. Different surroundings so that may be better for us, as long as we do not get lost.
I have had so many messages today, how lovely of people to think of us. More importantly they are remembering Mikey, its so important that he isn't forgotten.
Tomorrow night the 12th the universe puts on it display of meteors. How fitting it was on that fateful day. The skies will be awash with shooting stars. I will watch and think of Mikey.
Team SueSue
We are going to the coast tomorrow. Where we last went with Mikey and we are taking Duke with us. I wonder how he will travel. So lots of photos and hope some god memories. How i will feel tomorrow, i don't know but I'm sure i will blog more. So for tonight, that's it, but tomorrow is another day.
I cant think about yesterday but today i have cried and cried. I should have taken today off as well as tomorrow but i didn't realise i would feel so bad. Ha!! just goes to show that even when you feel strong, you crumble.
Time and looking at the clock bought back so many bad memories. I know its the 12th tomorrow but it was a Thursday when Mikey left us. And i do feel so very sad.
Work certainly didn't help, concentration was abysmal and i really was worse then useless today. Oh well some things just have to suffer, and some people did.
It was another club race tonight 5k and i was determined to run for Mikey tonight. I was flagging a bit but then thought Mikey couldn't breathe but kept on going, so would i. We surprised ourselves and got a PB!!!!! we beat our last time by 6 whole minutes!!! outstanding. It was a good feeling and has given me hope that to run the marathon is achievable. We run next on Sunday. We are running from another club at Thorney, i hope we do well, its another 5 miles so we will have to see. Different surroundings so that may be better for us, as long as we do not get lost.
I have had so many messages today, how lovely of people to think of us. More importantly they are remembering Mikey, its so important that he isn't forgotten.
Tomorrow night the 12th the universe puts on it display of meteors. How fitting it was on that fateful day. The skies will be awash with shooting stars. I will watch and think of Mikey.
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| 5k club race |
Tuesday 9 August 2011
354/355
So tomorrow came and is now yesterday and its today!! another two days to blog.
The days are so hard, and i find myself torn between getting on with things and then crying in cupboards! Patience is very thin and i am so frustrated with other influences effecting my day!!
I went to place a memoriam in the local paper for Friday only to discover the office is closed! in the window were two phone numbers one for March and one for Huntingdon. Would you believe we have to use the Huntingdon number! I found a nice piece that said everything we feel how do some people managed to write such beautiful words, its a gift surely.
Today the paper contacted me and i then had to read the words again just to make sure, that set me off again and i just couldn't find a clear path for the rest of the day. I'm blessed that i work with such very kind people and have been very understanding. Even Tim today was hurting.
Duke seems to have this uncanny knack of reading your emotions and just sits looking at me when I'm quiet, not leaping about as he usually does. He then just comes and sits on my feet even if I'm standing. He has been very good for Tim who has been out for two walks today!
Tom phoned and Tim said he feels more positive about a move, lets hope that continues.
Run tonight, and Sue and i did really well, lets hope we can do as well on Thursday. We now have our club kit!!! makes us feel that we are doing well. Race vest, club practice t shirt and a running top for the winter!!! even Tim thinks they look the part! We shall see if we feel OK after the race on Sunday.
Its been odd the last two days to hear about the riots everywhere, it almost seems that we are not living in England, a green and pleasant land!!! what is the world coming to? There are so many problems and so much suffering, why make more! and the sad thing is two girls on the radio today said they hope it happens tonight because last night was the best night they have had ever!!!!
I'm for an early night i think and try to have a read! but another attempt to put some pictures on. I may have to post this and then edit i think no, i will try first!!
Well that failed!!! this is so slow tonight. Will try again later. Ah well i suppose tomorrow is another day.....................
The days are so hard, and i find myself torn between getting on with things and then crying in cupboards! Patience is very thin and i am so frustrated with other influences effecting my day!!
I went to place a memoriam in the local paper for Friday only to discover the office is closed! in the window were two phone numbers one for March and one for Huntingdon. Would you believe we have to use the Huntingdon number! I found a nice piece that said everything we feel how do some people managed to write such beautiful words, its a gift surely.
Today the paper contacted me and i then had to read the words again just to make sure, that set me off again and i just couldn't find a clear path for the rest of the day. I'm blessed that i work with such very kind people and have been very understanding. Even Tim today was hurting.
Duke seems to have this uncanny knack of reading your emotions and just sits looking at me when I'm quiet, not leaping about as he usually does. He then just comes and sits on my feet even if I'm standing. He has been very good for Tim who has been out for two walks today!
Tom phoned and Tim said he feels more positive about a move, lets hope that continues.
Run tonight, and Sue and i did really well, lets hope we can do as well on Thursday. We now have our club kit!!! makes us feel that we are doing well. Race vest, club practice t shirt and a running top for the winter!!! even Tim thinks they look the part! We shall see if we feel OK after the race on Sunday.
Its been odd the last two days to hear about the riots everywhere, it almost seems that we are not living in England, a green and pleasant land!!! what is the world coming to? There are so many problems and so much suffering, why make more! and the sad thing is two girls on the radio today said they hope it happens tonight because last night was the best night they have had ever!!!!
I'm for an early night i think and try to have a read! but another attempt to put some pictures on. I may have to post this and then edit i think no, i will try first!!
Well that failed!!! this is so slow tonight. Will try again later. Ah well i suppose tomorrow is another day.....................
Sunday 7 August 2011
Day 353
Well the week end is almost over and here i sit, survived another day.
I'm in a bubble at the moment or so it appears, most things today have just washed over my head. I have an almost devil may care attitude. Still whilst that may be how i feel, its as if I'm half asleep as well or is it I'm half awake. Not too sure but its a weird feeling.
I did get up early and took myself off for a run, and all by myself today, there was no way i was going to run with the big boys, i think they were going for a brisk 12 miles!!! and the mid group set off while i waited for my junior running partner, who didnt get up in time!! So i ran alone, thank goodness for the ipod! i did a short run today thought i would give the route for Thursday a go. Managed to get to the return section when i saw a tent camped out in a field. Not too sure who may have been in that so i turned around and back tracked so possibly ran more that i should. Lets hope so cos the time was OK.
The day has dragged really and all i wanted was tonight to come so i can get to sleep and it will be work! that does take my mind of everything. Still i got some plants for work and then popped up and set them out. Only for one of the staff to say their was a dog coming. I said i hope its on a lead and when i turned around there was Tim and Duke. He was good as gold!
I bought an impulse purchase today!!! it was only after an hour when i realised it was a mistake. I bought a yellow, squeaky duck for Duke, needless to say its banned for overnight!
I will try to put a snap on when i have finished blogging!
This evening i went for a ride and called in at Eastwood to say hi to mum and dad and to check out our plots. I was horrified and couldn't believe my eyes. There must have been a mistake surely!!! There in one of our plots was......... someone else, a posy of flowers and a marker name plate. Surely not. I stood there ages and looked and looked. Was it me, have i made a mistake, what will we do. What will i do. Oh my word. Best get home and check out the plans and our numbers.
Pedalled home like a bat out of hell whilst listening to Snow Patrols Run, on my ipod.How bizarre was that!!
Threw the bike against the wall , almost jumped the gate, quick leg over was what i could manage. Searched for said paper work and couldn't find them. Are they with the wills, says Tim looking totally bemused. Well he would be, he hasn't even been to see where we are going to end up!!! Finally found them, huffing and puffing and moaning that they were not where i had told Tom where to find everything. Tim's fault of course.
I had made a mistake, we are laying side by side not head to feet!! phew!! I just cant imagine what we would have done. I can just see Mikey laughing his head off if we had been able to tell him, he would probably have said, whats the problem, who cares, you cant dig someone else up again, we will just move along a bit. No big deal. What are you getting yourself upset about Mother! Probably grinning and shaking his head whilst looking at his Dad. Yep I'm pretty sure that's what would have occurred.
I feel recently my blogs have become e series of descriptions of my days and not really how i have been feeling. Its odd that the weeks building up towards August have been so difficult. Just work and nothing else. The holiday seems a time of distant past, and i cant imagine how the future will be. No plans, nothing really to look forward to, just time in motion. Is that what life holds for me now, I'm not sure. Losing a child has such a profound effect on you, you cant imagine, its something you have to experience, and yet you would not wish anyone to go through the things we are still living with.
How do the parents of the young man who was killed on a school holiday cope knowing their son was mauled to death by a polar bear. How can anyone imagine the horror. I know i cant. What we experienced was dreadful but is there worse than that? I'm sure other parents in other situations would say yes. Perhaps we just need to know that we feel each others pain. We care for each other and perhaps when our paths cross with other grieving parents we can at least offer support, i hope i will be able to do that at least.
I miss him so very much and time hasn't helped......... not yet, but tomorrow is another day
I'm in a bubble at the moment or so it appears, most things today have just washed over my head. I have an almost devil may care attitude. Still whilst that may be how i feel, its as if I'm half asleep as well or is it I'm half awake. Not too sure but its a weird feeling.
I did get up early and took myself off for a run, and all by myself today, there was no way i was going to run with the big boys, i think they were going for a brisk 12 miles!!! and the mid group set off while i waited for my junior running partner, who didnt get up in time!! So i ran alone, thank goodness for the ipod! i did a short run today thought i would give the route for Thursday a go. Managed to get to the return section when i saw a tent camped out in a field. Not too sure who may have been in that so i turned around and back tracked so possibly ran more that i should. Lets hope so cos the time was OK.
The day has dragged really and all i wanted was tonight to come so i can get to sleep and it will be work! that does take my mind of everything. Still i got some plants for work and then popped up and set them out. Only for one of the staff to say their was a dog coming. I said i hope its on a lead and when i turned around there was Tim and Duke. He was good as gold!
I bought an impulse purchase today!!! it was only after an hour when i realised it was a mistake. I bought a yellow, squeaky duck for Duke, needless to say its banned for overnight!
I will try to put a snap on when i have finished blogging!
This evening i went for a ride and called in at Eastwood to say hi to mum and dad and to check out our plots. I was horrified and couldn't believe my eyes. There must have been a mistake surely!!! There in one of our plots was......... someone else, a posy of flowers and a marker name plate. Surely not. I stood there ages and looked and looked. Was it me, have i made a mistake, what will we do. What will i do. Oh my word. Best get home and check out the plans and our numbers.
Pedalled home like a bat out of hell whilst listening to Snow Patrols Run, on my ipod.How bizarre was that!!
Threw the bike against the wall , almost jumped the gate, quick leg over was what i could manage. Searched for said paper work and couldn't find them. Are they with the wills, says Tim looking totally bemused. Well he would be, he hasn't even been to see where we are going to end up!!! Finally found them, huffing and puffing and moaning that they were not where i had told Tom where to find everything. Tim's fault of course.
I had made a mistake, we are laying side by side not head to feet!! phew!! I just cant imagine what we would have done. I can just see Mikey laughing his head off if we had been able to tell him, he would probably have said, whats the problem, who cares, you cant dig someone else up again, we will just move along a bit. No big deal. What are you getting yourself upset about Mother! Probably grinning and shaking his head whilst looking at his Dad. Yep I'm pretty sure that's what would have occurred.
I feel recently my blogs have become e series of descriptions of my days and not really how i have been feeling. Its odd that the weeks building up towards August have been so difficult. Just work and nothing else. The holiday seems a time of distant past, and i cant imagine how the future will be. No plans, nothing really to look forward to, just time in motion. Is that what life holds for me now, I'm not sure. Losing a child has such a profound effect on you, you cant imagine, its something you have to experience, and yet you would not wish anyone to go through the things we are still living with.
How do the parents of the young man who was killed on a school holiday cope knowing their son was mauled to death by a polar bear. How can anyone imagine the horror. I know i cant. What we experienced was dreadful but is there worse than that? I'm sure other parents in other situations would say yes. Perhaps we just need to know that we feel each others pain. We care for each other and perhaps when our paths cross with other grieving parents we can at least offer support, i hope i will be able to do that at least.
I miss him so very much and time hasn't helped......... not yet, but tomorrow is another day
Saturday 6 August 2011
Day 352
Not a good day today. Even Tim and i didn't cope well and had a few words. Only to be expected though.
So many memories just flooding into my mind and eventually i began to feel unwell. Not sure how i managed to get into town. Felt sick, legs and body had mind of their own and i was just so tired.
Tim had taken my bike into be repaired so i had to collect it. Outside the shop was Tim's sister! and she was still there talking when i came out., she said hello. I just replied in the same vane and off i rode.
Its been almost a year since her and her husband have spoken to me, not that i am concerned at all. How odd that we were so close and when you need those very people to help and support you, it was quite the opposite. Still that's in the past and of no real importance.
The day has passed, Tom phoned bless him and had a long chat with his dad.
The sun was out, as it was last year and this evenings sunlight was casting mellow light across the open fen. During the winter months the landscape looked grim but now it is again turning, i have missed the summer! Maybe next year!
Harvest is upon us and the air is dry with dust, apart from when its raining!!! All things have a season and i suppose thats true of us humans.
I am finding tonight's blog so hard, so I'm going to stop, tomorrow is another day...............
So many memories just flooding into my mind and eventually i began to feel unwell. Not sure how i managed to get into town. Felt sick, legs and body had mind of their own and i was just so tired.
Tim had taken my bike into be repaired so i had to collect it. Outside the shop was Tim's sister! and she was still there talking when i came out., she said hello. I just replied in the same vane and off i rode.
Its been almost a year since her and her husband have spoken to me, not that i am concerned at all. How odd that we were so close and when you need those very people to help and support you, it was quite the opposite. Still that's in the past and of no real importance.
The day has passed, Tom phoned bless him and had a long chat with his dad.
The sun was out, as it was last year and this evenings sunlight was casting mellow light across the open fen. During the winter months the landscape looked grim but now it is again turning, i have missed the summer! Maybe next year!
Harvest is upon us and the air is dry with dust, apart from when its raining!!! All things have a season and i suppose thats true of us humans.
I am finding tonight's blog so hard, so I'm going to stop, tomorrow is another day...............
Friday 5 August 2011
Day 351
So a year ago today we went to the hospital with Mikey to see a Urologist. Mikey was hoping that this consultant would do his operation to remove the kidney stone which would then give him the chance of a transplant.
I can still see him on that day, not happy because the transport was late collecting him from Papworth. Angie the CF nurse who escorted him and us all sitting in the clinic waiting to see what the outcome would be. Mikey was so poorly but he was confident and was able to tell the consultant why it was so important to have the operation. The consultant had to check and discuss the case with the anaesthetist. He was on the phone for ages. Mikey was so incredibly strong even when the consultant was explaining the risks. Mikey told him that he had no choices, he was going to die if he didn't get the transplant and things were looking grim for him. Mikey also said, I'm at my wellest so its got to be now. The consultant told him that there was a risk that he would not make it through the operation, but Papworth had said that they felt he had a good chance. I can remember trying so hard not to cry and Mikey glaring at me. I guess he didn't want to see me upset and that he was finding it hard enough with out me causing a scene. Tim told the Dr that if it was up to him he would not agree to the operation because of the risk but that it wasn't his decision, it was Mikeys.
Mikey was so pleased that the Dr said he would do the operation, he was disappointed that he would have to have a full anaesthetic he hoped it could have been done by having a spinal anaesthetic. The stone was too big for that and too high up in the kidney. So it was that we left the hospital knowing the op would be in 6 days time!
Mikey went back on transport and Tim went back to see him later that evening.
We were to have our son for 6 more days. And so begins my memories of that time.
Enough for tonight, but tomorrow is another day
I can still see him on that day, not happy because the transport was late collecting him from Papworth. Angie the CF nurse who escorted him and us all sitting in the clinic waiting to see what the outcome would be. Mikey was so poorly but he was confident and was able to tell the consultant why it was so important to have the operation. The consultant had to check and discuss the case with the anaesthetist. He was on the phone for ages. Mikey was so incredibly strong even when the consultant was explaining the risks. Mikey told him that he had no choices, he was going to die if he didn't get the transplant and things were looking grim for him. Mikey also said, I'm at my wellest so its got to be now. The consultant told him that there was a risk that he would not make it through the operation, but Papworth had said that they felt he had a good chance. I can remember trying so hard not to cry and Mikey glaring at me. I guess he didn't want to see me upset and that he was finding it hard enough with out me causing a scene. Tim told the Dr that if it was up to him he would not agree to the operation because of the risk but that it wasn't his decision, it was Mikeys.
Mikey was so pleased that the Dr said he would do the operation, he was disappointed that he would have to have a full anaesthetic he hoped it could have been done by having a spinal anaesthetic. The stone was too big for that and too high up in the kidney. So it was that we left the hospital knowing the op would be in 6 days time!
Mikey went back on transport and Tim went back to see him later that evening.
We were to have our son for 6 more days. And so begins my memories of that time.
Enough for tonight, but tomorrow is another day
Thursday 4 August 2011
Day 347,348,349.350
Four days! well that's hardly surprising really, what with one thing and another!!
Its amazing that i am here tonight!!! I can hardly see, have pins and needles in my hands and a swelling the size of a ducks egg just under my eye!! Went running in the rain and something either bit or stung me. The joys of attempting to get fit! I'm in pain and feeling generally sorry for myself.
The past few nights i have been at work till the early hours! it has to stop. I know i have been saying that for a while, but i cant sleep. I cant settle and i keep thinking of Mikey.
I am finding it so hard to cope at the moment. Murder springs to mind, i could willingly throttle someone, anyone will do. I can just feel this inner rage and need to just do something. It will pass I'm sure. But i am so angry at everyone and everything. Its sad i know but that's how it is at the moment.
The weather hasn't helped and having no air conditioning has made work additionally hard. Work load ever increasing and i cant see the end of that at present. Ah well......
Tim has been unwell the past two days and looks dreadful. Not sure if its the weather, a virus or if it is because its that time of the year. Yesterday he lay on the sofa wrapped in a quilt and looking poorly, poor Duke was missing him, i was trying to puppy sit!! all that did was to encourage Duke to play!!! so no peace there!! I spent most of the early hours looking in on Tim. He looks a bit better tonight.
This time last year, i was worrying about the visit to Addenbrookes with Mikey and worrying about what the outcome would be. I cant believe its a year when the downward spiral of all out lives was to under go such a dramatic change.
Misery has been tormenting me. Hovering close, i can almost feel her breath on my neck. I am keeping her at bay, just, but the struggle is almost too much to bear. I sometimes feel as though i want to submit and drown in the sorrow i feel and yet i don't. Every day i wake saying today is going to be better, it isn't. Visions, pictures, memories and conversations, tease me frequently during my waking hours, sleep is my only solace.
Tears, what are they? an outpouring of emotion that brings no relief. I am not whole, a part of me has been ripped away and the repair job, is of a very poor standard. So i am here, a broken thing, nothing in life seems important and has so little meaning. I question what life is and what purpose we have in the universe. Who really knows, and whilst i ask the question, i don't really give a damn!
Who am i now, don't know, don't care. Sounds almost like a child in a mood, bordering on a tantrum. All i need to do now is stamp my feet, well that's for later! You can almost see it cant you, this 57 year old woman standing with hands on hips, scowling at the world!!!
Ah well, tomorrow is another day................................
Its amazing that i am here tonight!!! I can hardly see, have pins and needles in my hands and a swelling the size of a ducks egg just under my eye!! Went running in the rain and something either bit or stung me. The joys of attempting to get fit! I'm in pain and feeling generally sorry for myself.
The past few nights i have been at work till the early hours! it has to stop. I know i have been saying that for a while, but i cant sleep. I cant settle and i keep thinking of Mikey.
I am finding it so hard to cope at the moment. Murder springs to mind, i could willingly throttle someone, anyone will do. I can just feel this inner rage and need to just do something. It will pass I'm sure. But i am so angry at everyone and everything. Its sad i know but that's how it is at the moment.
The weather hasn't helped and having no air conditioning has made work additionally hard. Work load ever increasing and i cant see the end of that at present. Ah well......
Tim has been unwell the past two days and looks dreadful. Not sure if its the weather, a virus or if it is because its that time of the year. Yesterday he lay on the sofa wrapped in a quilt and looking poorly, poor Duke was missing him, i was trying to puppy sit!! all that did was to encourage Duke to play!!! so no peace there!! I spent most of the early hours looking in on Tim. He looks a bit better tonight.
This time last year, i was worrying about the visit to Addenbrookes with Mikey and worrying about what the outcome would be. I cant believe its a year when the downward spiral of all out lives was to under go such a dramatic change.
Misery has been tormenting me. Hovering close, i can almost feel her breath on my neck. I am keeping her at bay, just, but the struggle is almost too much to bear. I sometimes feel as though i want to submit and drown in the sorrow i feel and yet i don't. Every day i wake saying today is going to be better, it isn't. Visions, pictures, memories and conversations, tease me frequently during my waking hours, sleep is my only solace.
Tears, what are they? an outpouring of emotion that brings no relief. I am not whole, a part of me has been ripped away and the repair job, is of a very poor standard. So i am here, a broken thing, nothing in life seems important and has so little meaning. I question what life is and what purpose we have in the universe. Who really knows, and whilst i ask the question, i don't really give a damn!
Who am i now, don't know, don't care. Sounds almost like a child in a mood, bordering on a tantrum. All i need to do now is stamp my feet, well that's for later! You can almost see it cant you, this 57 year old woman standing with hands on hips, scowling at the world!!!
Ah well, tomorrow is another day................................
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