Day 346

So i have managed to succeed with putting my pictures on, yippee so maybe i will add some more today. I will just have to see.

We have been very busy today!!

I got up early and went for a run. My lovely great nephew Luke came with me.  The steroids are definitely helping, i was able to go almost to the 5.8 marker today. Sue is back from her holidays but i didn't want to ring her just in case she was tired from her journey!! At least i will have a running partner on Tuesday, i have missed her.

This is me and Sue when we completed the Spud run, I'm the one on the left!!!!

I have lost a bit of weight since then!!! In fact i have lost 1stone and 4pounds since i started running and joined weight watchers!! Another 2 should do it!!! Our next race is 14th August 2011.

Its been really warm today and our thoughts are not our own, hence keep ourselves occupied.

I finished some general tidying and took a load of clothes, yes more, to the clothing bank.

Tim has started on laying slabs for the base to place a dog run on! that's going to be fun building! its been 15 years since we built our last one that's when we moved to the bungalow! So today we found very hard, not as fit as we were then!!!

My lovely favourite brush gave up the ghost today!! the bristles now resemble a scrubbing brush so a new replacement head was put on the original broomstick!! 35 years i have been using it! I have to say i am very sentimental about everything, now how sad is that! Still Duke has another new toy to play with!

Duke has exhausted himself running round the garden! getting up to all sorts of mischief and tormenting Tim by running away with the tools!

Film tonight, which was rubbish and i kept dropping off watching it! luckily Tom phoned and we had a good chat for some time. Tom is now starting to be positive about coming back home! That will keep Tim and i occupied and give us something else to think about.

How was today, certainly different from yesterday. I have more mood swings than a hormonal teenager! i meet myself coming back sometimes.

Work tomorrow and i guess i will just have to get myself organised. I cant believe that i stayed away for the week end. Its something i must do, concentrate on home and on us. Easy said!!!

Tim wants me to go and get him some new Jeans, dodgy that, i always get him stuff he never wears, still according to him he will still be wearing the same ones in 2013! no faith!

Linda rang me today and she has managed to swim 30 widths of the pool where she has just started swimming! That's excellent!!! and will help her knee no end. Its sad but we are all cracking up!!! is that an age thing? no absolutely not i feel as young as, um well praps not!!!

Joy is off to America soon, she is going to Rhode Island to visit Hamish's family.
Jen is off to Linda's caravan at Hunstanton and taking Sue and her Grandchildren, um bus mans holiday then, its harvest time and Jim cannot go with Sue. Nice for them to have some time together though.

I'm now going to track my weight on line! and finish getting bits ready for work and then an early night in preparation for the morning.  I keep thinking how close we are getting to Friday and Saturday when the biggest changes in our lives started to unfold, and its so damn hard to think of anything else but I keep telling my self that tomorrow is another day..........................

Day 345

OK so today hasn't been the best! Crying all the time, even whilst walking into town! Just cant help thinking what we were doing last year and whats about to come.

Tim is also feeling the same, we talked today when i started crying and he said he feels like that every day. Tim said he didn't find that time was helping either but that we cant change anything. Tim's wish was that when we lose someone we could just chat to them even if we cant see them anymore.

I know if i carry on tonight i will be weeping over the keyboard i just cant help it.
Today we have done so much really in the garden. Tim's managed to cut the grass whilst i puppy sat! I have cleared out more clothes and thrown so much away! My drawers are nice and tidy, well for a little while anyway.
Managed to get Tim some books from the library and got us a film to watch tonight to take my mind off things. It didn't help!

Tim thinks i should get up early and go for a run, i think i will it may help. I'm on the steroids and chest feels a bit better so i may just give it a whirl and see i how i get on.

Bought Duke a pigs ear today, i don't think we will have a silk purse in the morning though. Tonight whilst i thought he was in the garden i found him sitting up the dining table!! bum on the chair and paws resting on the table!!! waiting for tea?? the dog amazes me at times. Still he was removed swiftly. I have put some pics of Mikey on the computer today and i think i have found the scanner now! having lost it during the virus.

                                                  Mikey at 132

                                                        Mikey posing

                                                Mikey in the garden

                                                          Who am i

                                                       Mikey at Skegness

                                                    Mikey and little Duke our Staffy

                                                           Mikey at 132

                                                          Always one to try new styles

                                                     Mike and his hats, started early

                                                            Yet again in my footwear!

                                               Beavers

                                                         Tim, Mikey and Tom


Mikey and Karen remained life long friends



A novel use for draft excluders



                                                                                     



Mikey loved formula 1

Well i think that cheered me up a little

But tomorrow is another day



Day 342/344

I feel so ashamed that i am letting trivial things overwhelm me! I just cant see the wood for the trees. What is important is family and yet i just keep putting them to the back of my thoughts and yet at the same time Mikey and Tom are at the forefront. How odd and twisted is that.
I do sometimes wonder if i am going slightly mad. In the words of Queen I'm only knitting on one needle!
My mind is in such turmoil that i struggle to concentrate and just wish i could go off to sleep and wake in September. Does that make me weak and a coward, not really wanting to face the days ahead. I don't know. Writing does make it real. But i do pray for escape from the thoughts and pictures that are constantly creeping up on me unawares, my heart races and i struggle just to be normal.
The faces i show to the world have become muddled to the state where i don't really know if the face I'm showing matches the person i am supposed to be. Mad!!!!

Grief, such a small word with such  huge consequences. Ah well..........

So whats happened over the past few days. This wretched cough that will not go away meant another trip to the Dr's and i had to cave in and have some steroids! I eventually got to the Dr's on Thursday. Time just not enough of it, and yet too much to think on the other! Told you, twisted!

Didn't get to run on Thursday, still at work till 8pm again and then back at 10.30pm until 12! not good at all.
Poor Tim is beginning to feel so alone! thank goodness for Duke who really does keep him occupied. Tim did say a funny thing yesterday. He said if anything happened to him would i keep the dog. Now how odd is that!!! Just not worth thinking about, but i did take Tim's blood pressure, not that that would solve anything but made me feel a bit better!!!

Duke continues to grow and he really is such a good dog. But how on earth he manages to get up onto the dining chairs when they are under the table and lay there at meal times i do not understand! its as if he wants to sit up the table with us! put a knife and fork in his paws and dinner please!

Mikey's room has certainly become a target and removing him proves to be difficult! how on earth a 12 week old pup can dig his heels in and grab Mikey's covers on his bed once positioned on the same amazes us. Tonight he ran in grabbed the bedside mat in his jaws and moved it a few inches to the right, let go and smugly sat plum in the middle of it still beggars belief!  He is such a character.

I went to Norwich for the day with my sisters and had a really nice day. We do not seem to be able to go out together without a mishap though. We should have met our cousin Angela today but sadly a bad back resulted in her not meeting us although we were all disappointed.

We got lost in Norwich and walked miles out of our way until we found the shops!!! cursing the taxi driver who said it wasn't worth his while taking us from the station to the shops as it was only a very short walk away!!! Only to discover later he was correct just that we failed to follow his directions.

Joy is looking really slim, weight watchers is working, Linda has lost a stone as well and Jen bless her has given up. Got to the centre and discovered some fab shops!!! did some retail therapy, lunch and decided to see the Cathedral before coming home.
Walked a long way and constantly worried about Linda and her dodgy knee. Jen need ed to use the public facilities and we all though we may as well make the most of them!!! big mistake. Dare i write what happened, yes i will because at some time in years to come i may want to remember today and read my blog!
Once the stairs were negotiated we entered a grim area with a few toilets! Jen found an empty one and so did i. Well doing what comes naturally the air was suddenly rent with a piercing scream!!! Jen!! followed by Joy screeching and then saying oh you frightened me and I'm not sure if i can wait now. I on the other hand jumped 3 foot in the air, trousers dropped to the very wet floor and ended up with soaked trousers. I came out to find two hysterical sisters, joy had attempted to enter Jens space only to find out Jen hadn't locked the door. Jen hadn't been able to lock it and thought Joy was an intruder!! I on the other hand said look what you made me do, which added to the hysterics, Linda bless her had waited at the top of the stairs only to be accosted by a man in a purple three wheeler who asked her if she was Clive Robinson!! I then stripped of in the public loos to wash and dry my trousers under the hand drier. Joy washed her hands, looked at me me and i said , no chance, which started her off again. Jen  eventually offered me the use of her new size 16 lounge pants, bearing in mind she is also about 6 inches taller than me and I'm a size 10!!!  I think she was shocked to think her sister was standing in a public place undressed in just skimpy underwear and a sweat shirt!!! a pair of socks and trainers. Thinking about it now, i must have looked a sight! and should have been arrested! Joy had popped up to see if Lin was OK and came down again as Jen was drying my trousers and i was standing there looking like goodness knows what, Joy later said that when she looked at me thought Gracious does she know those trousers are a bit on the big side. Luckily my own trousers were a thin cotton and did dry quite quickly.
Went to the Cathedral and i glanced at my watch and we were running late for our train, so we didn't really get a look in, only our noses through the door and there was a wedding practice going on, apparently the bishops daughter is getting married tomorrow!

Train journey was a nightmare from Norwich to Ely, poor children running amok only for one of them to have her finger slammed in a door by her sister and the poor mites finger looked broken!! and nasty slice through. Offered the mother a sterile finger dressing which Joy was carrying in her bag, cant imagine why except that you never know when it may come in handy!!! Jen tells the elder girl off for being so mean, oops i thought, time to get off the train pretty damn quick, no one likes an interfering Ena!!!
We all went in different directions once we hit Ely and i arrived home exhausted at 7.30pm!

I can only say, tomorrow is another day..........

Days 326/341

Well what can i say except that the last few days have been a nightmare one way or another!!

I really must get a grip, i am going backwards instead of forwards! not a good plan. So what has been going on, not sure where to start really, no time to have jotted down notes that would help. Now is that true? no, i guess i have had the time but not the incentive. Always a worry that.

Thursday, well i suppose it started off badly! had to go to Newmarket for a days meeting only to get a call to say that we had a team turn up at work and that was a worry, we are attempting to obtain an award and i really should have been there. The rest of the day i was thinking about that and how things were going. Got back to work and ended up staying until 8pm. So that put paid to the running!!! Lots of work still to do and all in 4 weeks!!

Friday and it was work, work, work! non stop i was exhausted by the time i got home! not fit for anything.

Tom phoned again and was talking for ages. He has so much to think about and that really does include his concerns about Rocky and his house. Still hopefully all of that can be resolved.

Duke continues to grow and is wearing Tim out!!! how on earth do these older women manage when they have a baby in their late 50,s. My hat off to them!!!

Chest infection remains lousy so maybe a good idea that i didn't run on Thursday!!

Do you know i haven't had time to take time to look around me and the world i live in. No time to ponder. But is that me? its so easy to slip back into old habits. I have tried so hard to move on in a different direction and it shames me to discover I'm failing. Well us fen folk are made of stern stuff so i better just shake myself out of this bad place I'm in. But its so hard sometimes. Its easier just to sink!!!

Mikey is constantly in my thoughts and i could just weep. I want to rage at the world and everyone in it, my temper is getting short and patience is in very short supply at the moment! not nice to be around. I want the time to grieve!! haven't i had enough, well the answer to that is no! Its my space my feeling and its about me!! selfish? i don't think so. But i am being overwhelmed by other things and I'm cross about that!! Gosh i can feel myself seething and really want to throw something, anything!! How odd i have never been one to do that! I think a lot and imagine all the things i would like to do but never action them!! but today, this week, i may just do that. Um 57 years worth of anger frustration and damn right restraint are about to be released. Lord help the person who is going to be at the receiving end!!! Praps i should just read a book!!!!

Then the computer packed up again!!! no connection for 3 days hence no catch up blogging!!! and no excuse of a holiday this time! i have spent hours talking to it and then today i spoke to a lovely lady called Pauline who was from Newcastle!!! what a star and all it needed was a damn pin sticking in the side of the router to get me up and running, how about that!!! so here i am.

Sunday morning up early and out for a run! didn't do well really struggled inhalers didn't work and could barely manage a couple of miles!!!! that made me so upset because i really thought by the time Sue came back i would be up the 6 miles! lets hope she hasn't done her daily runs around the cruise liner, i bet she has!!!!

Monday , well that started as the week ended last week and has gone steadily downhill since!!!! work load is hard and my word i cant squeeze enough time in the day. I really don't want to get back into the habit of going back in at night to finish off the work!!!

Today i managed to get computer fixed and went for my run!! How did i do? not as well as 2 weeks ago but much better than Sunday. Still not right with my chest infection but now think i have to accept that i need the steroids! maybe i should just have accepted them at the start but well i guess i cant be told!!

Duke has managed to chew up Tim's garden chair! oops and he was so happy to be able to jump up in that and be comfortable! He has had his last lot of injections so they will both be hitting the road for walks!

I came home today a bit later than normal for lunch and Tim didn't look well. He said he was OK and then decided to tell me that he felt unwell up town. When he got home he couldn't see well all the writing in the newspaper was back to front and his vision really affected. He felt dizzy but no headache and when he closed his eyes he could see all bright colours. I do wonder if it was a type of migraine without the headache! another worry. That's what worries me about letting outside influences overtake my home life!!! Tim seems OK now but a bit tetchy! The one thing he did say was 'it will soon be August' i think Mikey must be very much on his mind too
The rest of the week looks really hectic and each day packed with things to do. Friday i have got off as leave and I'm spending the day at Norwich.
Well to bed, and tomorrow is another day!

Day 324/325

It didn't last did it! Missed last night again, ah well here tonight.

Yesterday, back to the Dr's more antibiotics its costing me a small fortune and am now considering a yearly pass!!

Still how did my day go, well only as expected and couldn't wait to get home in the evenings, but another tunnel is almost sealed, job done!

Really struggled with the running tonight, i put it down to the new antibiotics that i took just before going for my run, double dose of a new med!! though i felt a bit odd in the club room but as i got off down the road thought to myself oops I'm going to pass out, no don't be silly you will be fine in a few minutes, the first 5 Min's are the hardest for me!! I then remember how to breathe and I'm fine!!! not last night and i was running on my own! not a good idea. Still managed to do about 3 miles but that was it, i felt quite fed up with myself, still Thursdays may be better.

Got home from my run and Tim said Tom had phoned with some good news and i was to phone him when he got home at 10pm.

Tims friend and his wife came around made a fuss of Duke and he them!!! They stayed till 10pm!

Phoned Tom and............ hes got his transfer accepted he is going to be coming home!!!!! how wonderful is that. No date yet and a few issues about his house but nothing that cant be sorted. He will however need to find somewhere to rent, i just hope that's not going to be hard. I may have to start looking for him, but i dont want to get too excited. After his really low period it looks as if things may be changing for him. I really hope so.
Tim is so pleased to think that Tom will be closer to us and maybe we will all at least be able to help each other.

Tims sister phoned today and spoke to Tim about Tom moving back, I'm not sure how i will cope if they start to show to much interest and then try to take an abnormal interest in his life. It was bad enough with Mikey and I'm not going to stand for it, not this time. Still Toms adult enough to say what he thinks.
I know its sad if you have no children, but at the end of the day my two sons are exactly that mine. It doesn't matter if they think of them as theirs they are not. Does that sound mean? i know i may get a bit paranoid about it but i cant help it after all that has passed. I will not suffer in silence this time though!!

They still only ever ring when I'm at work.

Spoke to my eldest sister tonight and we are trying to sort out travel times etc for next week that reminds me i better look at the time tables for the trains!! and e mail my cousin!!

I was up really early this morning and went shopping before 7am! now that is not normal for me!!! um.

Just hope we here soon about the move date!!!! only need to win the lottery now and my cup will be almost full, although i will always be drinking from a half empty cup for ever now, but i will have to make the most of what i do have. Ah well tomorrow is another day.................

Day 323

Oh my word!! Tim told me tonight about the conversation he had with me this morning when he came to wake me up. I have to say i didn't stop laughing for ages. So i will start my blog off with it, the conversation apparently went thus:

Tim     Sue Ive bought you a cup of tea

Me. gobbly de gook

Tim, no I've bought you a cup of tea.

Me. gobbly de gook.

Tim.  You left the computer on last night

Me  yes i wanted to show you the dog runs and kennels because Diana needs one.

Tim  what!

Me I left it to show you the kennels and runs because tom spends so much time there

Tim. what are you going on about?

Me   oh yes they are not called runs and pens are  they, they are dog hotels!

Tim  i haven't a clue what you are talking about.

Tim 20 Min's later , i ve made you a coffee
Me, smiling broadly, you are trying to catch me out you have only just put my tea there.

With that i leaped out of bed and ran for the kitchen!!!

I cant remember a thing

Am i losing the plot!! or goodness only knows what i was dreaming about. Just a little worried about tonight because my friend asked me today if i knew where she could get a rabbit hutch from! well i will have to wait and find out from Tim when he calls me!! He loves it apparently, never knows what is going to come out of my mouth, usually entertaining he says!

Its been a strange day really work and at home still its gone quickly. Swimming tonight and didn't get home very early as we had the pool to ourselves!! and it was warm.

One of Tim's friends called him today and he is visiting tomorrow evening with his wife, so my run may have to be a little shorter. I'm going to miss Sue so i have just got an armband for my ipod and i will have music to keep me company.
I'm off to bed! a bit short, but at least i have been here two days running.
I can hear Duke and i expect he needs letting out and then he will want a biscuit and company before he will go back to sleep! Its company when all else is quiet and the world is snoozing. I can appreciate why Tom would miss Rocky. Certainly we no longer have an empty home!

Gosh its gone 1 am! lets hope i can get more done at work in the morning as i didn't get as much done today as i hoped, Ah well tomorrow is another day

Day 322

Can hardly believe that i have made it tonight!! i wonder is this a good omen? i do hope so.

Well i never got out for a run today! every time i thought i was in with a chance it rained! and boy did it come down!!

Today has been very restful I'm pleased to say apart from Duke. He has been in overdrive mode, maybe because he hasn't been out to play as much as usual. Kept us busy though. He has just discovered the broom in the car port and has been attempting to bring it inside! as yet hasn't quite worked out that he needs to turn it around to get past the door posts! well that will be for another day.

Managed to get hold of two sisters. Number one sister was at home and had abandoned a rather drunk husband at the coast, came home and left him. Oh my word i really wouldn't want to be her when he comes to and realises he is miles away from home with no transport!!! perhaps i will phone her tomorrow and see how things are!! on the other hand perhaps not!

Number two sister OK and is exercising like me except she is riding a cycle. We are all getting together again for a day out on the 29th. Not the Ritz this time. Norwich and we are meeting up with my cousin Angie. We met at Ely sometime ago. Looking forward to another girls day out. I expect the next one will be near Christmas!!.
I wonder how many of us can get in that item of clothing we left at Joys! perhaps i should remind them all about it! I have managed to lose 1stone and 3 pounds up to present. The running certainly helps. Mikey would be really surprised that i had managed it! Another stone to go. Does help with the running, makes it a bit easier with out the extra ballast to carry.

Not really looking forward to work tomorrow!!! after the end of last week i have to say its the last place i want to be, but we all have to live don't we.

It looks like our next holiday has been ruled out. Tim doesn't want to leave Duke whilst he is so young, so it may well be days out. Then again i just may go away myself for a few days. Not sure yet but will see how i am later in the year.

I think we will take Duke out to the coast on the 12th August. I know its a Friday and Mikey died on the Thursday but Tim wants me to carry on as normal! Mikey always wanted us to do that. I remember the Tuesday before he died, he was on a nippy and we went to see him. He wanted to know why i hadn't gone swimming. Mind you he made the swimming gestures with his hands and arms because it was hard to talk! God i miss him being in our lives.

I feel bright and awake, not a good sign when you want to sleep, still it maybe a different story in the week and tomorrow is another day!

Day 319.320,321

The mood of Wednesday didn't last!!! no surprise there then. So here i am 3 days worth of blogging to catch up.

I have asked myself if i need the blog as much as i used to, and the answer is yes i do. But i cant get over the feeling that time is approaching to August and memories are increasingly difficult to cope with and i know its real. I have lost the anger that so often prompted written outbursts. I have lost the feeling of despair that often kept me company long into the early mornings. I feel that in some way i have lost me and another person is emerging. I'm not sure if its the person i want to be or the person i need to be.

There are some parts that are OK and others i miss. I guess with any grief comes change. Not just in ourselves but in our day to day lives.
We are not the carefree couple we used to be. We have become more serious and now fill our days with trivia! nothing concrete, a ship without a rudder. We are just afloat on the tides of life and as yet we have a course to set. Not yet though, we are just drifting.
The time will come i have no doubt when all the edges are more rounder. The pain is less and we just get on. I wonder though if that means we will be forgetting Mikey. I do hope not.
Chatting the other day to a friend who lost her son, reassured me that this is not so even after many years. It gave me great comfort talking to her even though it was upsetting. But you know what, it was OK. I didn't feel uncomfortable with her. I hope we can meet up again sometime and maybe have a coffee. I would like that.

Thursday! well what can i say. Had a good run! 5.8 miles we reached the white post marker!!! yippee, Sue is away now for two weeks so i wont have a partner. I shall try my best without her.
I was so tired though that i was in bed again by 10pm and slept soundly that was fortunate because the day i had yesterday was horrendous and left me completely drained.
I lost the will!! i could have laid down on my back and played possum, the world has become a nasty place at times. People, where has honesty, manners and pride disappeared to!!! humanity is dying. What is our human race going to be like in another 20 years!

Tom phoned today and he is really worried about Rocky his GSD. He took him to the vets today because he is losing weight. The vet thinks it may be a problem with his pancreas and if so the medication will cost £10  a day. Tom loves Rocky and will go with out himself to make sure Rocky gets his medication.If anything was to happen to Rocky Tom will be devastated. Rocky is the only company Tom has living so far from home. I'm not sure how he will cope. Lets keep our fingers crossed that the blood tests are not what the vet thinks. What a worry for him.

Duke continues to be a source of pleasure for Tim, mind you he is looking very tired these days! Duke is wearing him out. Cant believe how good he is. Its really as though he was human in his past life because he understands so much!

Tonight he slipped past the gate and got into Mikeys room and refused to leave, he even growled at me when i tried to get him out!!! Not an unpleasant growl more like he was saying , no chance this is my space. Eventually furry slipper clutched tightly in his mouth he made for the garden. Tim and i like a couple of pig farmers trying to herd him up. We were both running about with arms outstretched trying to catch him!! no luck until Tim rattled his food bowl!!

I may go for anther run tomorrow. We have entered the Thorney run on 14th August so need to practice!!! we may be going to Majorca in December for 10k or half marathon!! It wont be long till October and we will learn if we have a place in the Marathon next year. We can only hope. We had no luck getting tickets for the Olympics! although we tried in both ballots. Ah well some things are not to be i suppose.

Well I'm going to get to bed before Duke wakes up! Tim's on call tonight but tomorrow is another day!!!

day 317/318

What can i say, the events of last night took me my surprise as much as anyone!! Nothing earth shattering except i ended up asleep at 9pm and sloped off to bed at 10pm and slept until rudely awoken at 4 am by Duke!!! Hence no blog last night.

So yesterday, i was tired for most of the day, just weary but managed to finish work early!!!! Felt a bit better and went for my run. So pleased i went, Sue and i actually ran faster than we ever have, despite the cough!!! and ran for 4.6.miles Not bad all things considered, but my feet were so painful when i got home. Shock to the system i expect!! still we are hopeful that Thursday we will do as well and the weather not too hot for us. Sues off on her holidays for two weeks so i will miss my partner, but i will continue to go and hope to improve a bit for when she gets back!!

Then i slept!! But had no time for thoughts of any kind, so may have been natures way of giving me a little respite.

Today however was another day!!! I always find these days giving support to grieving families difficult and today was no exception. But we manage, its a day where i just put on another face and kept my own emotions in check. So very hard to do. Control, i guess! never thought i was a person who had very much. Amazing what you can do if you have to.

Duke remains a little gem. He bounds and launches himself at me when i come in from work. Tim is so pleased to have him and really looking forward to the day he can take him out!!He is growing at a rapid rate!!

Apparently today whilst Tim was on the phone he came into the kitchen looking very pleased with himself with one of my plants in his mouth, not just the bright orange bloom but leaves and roots still attached!! no hope for that then! My garden is slowly being stripped of all the plants i put in a little while ago, thank goodness we protected Mikeys area and all the plants intact. I would be really upset if the plant we put in last year after Mikey passed away was to be spoilt. A bigger fence will soon be erected me thinks!!!

Swimming tonight! and i enjoyed it. The water was nice and warm and the pool empty lovely!! Sat and watched a film with Tim tonight! we don't have that much time together in the week now so i will try to make the most of it when we can.

I think i have got over that miserable person i was a few days ago, goodness knows how long this good period will last, its so draining when you are low in mood and a real effort to drag yourself out of it and to become at least half human. Is that how i am going to be for the foreseeable future. I hope not.
There still seems to be so little support for us parents of young adults maybe i will try and start a help group. America seems to do so much better at these things than we do, we should take a leaf out of their book.
I continue to struggle on Tuesdays and Thursdays and maybe that's why i get so much out of running on these days.

My friends have been fab! and have been so tolerant, not questioning, just accepting things as they are and understanding I'm having a bad day. How can you put a value on such as these. Words just do not seem adequate and thank yous are always thought about long after the bad day. But i do thank the heavens for them.

I'm not sure if they have put something in my coffee but i feel quite chilled today!!! and am going to close tonight feeling pretty OK and that's new. I don't feel as if I'm on this merry go round and my head seems to be still, calm and in the place it should be. Its really hard to explain but usually i have so many things going on in my mind its as if there is no more available space and i have no time to do any of the things I'm thinking about. Tonight its as if i have nothing to do. All my jobs are done and i am this wonderful well organised person with all the time in the world. Wonderful! However, tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 316

Its a new day, or should i say it was its almost over.

Headache persisted but perhaps that was the weather or stress! Yep stress. At last i can see light at the end of one tunnel, sadly there another 20 to navigate! not my strong point navigation!

I have been so lucky to be surrounded by a small group of people today who love me, warts and all and just accept that today is a bad day! Often making fun of me in the nicest possible way just to make me smile. It worked at least for a few minutes. I could feel myself, over the past few days becoming someone almost unrecognisable!!! not good.

So this evening i went for a swim and now feel almost human again.

I just cant seem to escape from this never ending circle of tasks!!! i crave a bit of peace and solitude. It seems hard to believe that i had a holiday! I'm almost as tired now as i was then. Age perhaps or is it the knowledge that August is fast approaching. I'm not sure but may have something to do with how i feel. Who do i ask?
Its a lonely road a mother travels when she grieves for her child and only a mother in the same situation could possibly comprehend the inner mind of a woman possessed with grief. Tim i know is hurting but its not the same, well i don't think so.  That's not to take away any of his feelings or emotions but its a nurturing thing. The female species is very protective of their young and would kill or die for them. That's true, i would do anything to stop them hurting. Sometimes we just have to sit back and let them work through things themselves, and isn't that frustrating!!! Another lesson to learn. We never stop learning no matter how old we are.

Running tomorrow! lets hope i do better than Thursday. The chest infection seems to be clearing slowly!! i will have to see if i make the 5 miles tomorrow or not! spirits willing and all that but the body seems to be slow in catching up!
The ankle seems to be much better, that's positive, oh lord Ive just thought! if i get off coughing tomorrow, i do hope there is a bush to hide behind handy. Another thing that's not as good as it used to be!!!! the joys of childbirth do have the odd disadvantage! better do some hasty pelvic floor exercises!

Another sisters day out planned for 29th July off to Norwich for the day. We may all be a tad slimmer when we meet up.

Weight watchers is working, i have now lost 1 stone and 2 whole pounds, yippee all i want now at this moment is a go faster hair cut. Um not sure if it will help but any stream lining must be advantageous!  A bit more ballast to lose and Bobs your uncle, Marathon here we come. Oh i forgot one small thing! Ive got to be able to run 21 more miles than i can at the moment. Eeek!!!

I do feel better now, i can tell how I'm writing. So on that positive note I'm going to make a cup of tea, take Duke out in the garden! it will soon be 4 am and he will be waking me up again! how come i can here him and Tim sleeps through that one, Um another mum thing i think!

Joys of a training day to get through tomorrow! and the room will be like an oven! I will try tomorrow to put some more of the holiday diary on and some pics Ive managed to save them oh i will just put one on now of Duke. Well blow me i cant find them!!! i will look tomorrow, it is after all another day............

Day 315

Do i feel better today? no not really.

Just wish i could get myself out of this bad place, maybe tomorrow!

Effort, that's what today has been about and i just haven't managed it. I think sometimes its easier just to fold yourself up into the smallest piece and hope that no one notices you. That way you can observe life from this very small perspective.
That's what i need at the moment a narrow view of whats going on around me. Focus on only what i can see. Focus only on who i am talking to and hang the rest.

What is it about human nature that when you do your best for them they turn and attack! lord only knows life is too short for them to be so mean. Ah well , lesson 1, think of yourself, Lesson 2 think of yourself some more. Lesson 3, tell them you are thinking about yourself. Lesson 4, a vacuum. Lesson 5, try to remember there are some really nice people out there.

Lesson 5. There really are some nice people and i am grateful.

I have spent most of the day with a headache, the result of yesterday i think. Poor Tim he is so considerate and he has been keeping Duke busy all day. Duke, I'm sure has been here before he is so knowing. Quick learner and follows Tims every move!

I really hate feeling as i do today, i wish i could step out of myself and leave the miserable person behind. That's not going to happen, looks like I'm stuck with myself, how depressing. I'm rambling tonight, that's how my mind is working, flitting from one thought to the next. Concentration shot.

Misery has been tenatious with her attacks, she has been in stealth mode. I was unaware how close she was. Over the past 11 months we had formed an understanding  and she knew when i was learning her tactics. Misery plays dirty and not by any rules. How sad that i didn't realise that. Misery has become stronger whilst my defences have been down, can i learn quickly enough so that i am not consumed by her. Shes winning at the moment and.... i don't really care.
I should get a grip, but I'm not sure that i can be bothered.

The one good thing about blogging is that its OK to talk to yourself, you can say what you want and in the manner you want with out causing offence to anyone. Not having to think what you say before you say it is a wonderful thing to be able to do. I may look back and randomly chose this blog to read and think to myself, goodness was i really like that, on the other hand i may decide that things haven't changed much, ah well that's for then and this is for now.
I wonder what a shrink would think if they could read this, probably lock me up for a while. But that thought just proved a point, this is my space and i can say what i like, no judgements, no questions to answer and no explanations about my feelings. No analysis, thank goodness.

Do i feel better now, yes i believe i do, what a worrying thought! i can make sense of madness.
Lets hope my next blog is more cheerful and less narcissistic. We can hope. After all, tomorrow is another day

Day 310- 314

I know the dates of the blog do not seem to follow but i made a mistake with the day number on 4th July and i don't seem to be able to change it. So yes this is the right day and there are no gaps!!! Well i never said i was perfect.

Its been one hell of a week so far and today has to have been the worst!

So, whats happened, well work has been a relentless beast and sometimes i have to wonder if its all worth it. The world has gone mad, when one thing changes it just has this rebounding effect. No matter how you try there seems to be no room to catch up. I really think that if i was to do 24 hrs every day there would always be something not done, but perhaps not in the volume. Maybe.

Yes i know I'm doing a lot in the evenings but if only i could get away on time, that would make a huge difference. It seems to be rush rush rush. That's on top of having the new pup.

My emotions at the moment are in over drive. I could weep at the drop of a hat and have done so. I miss Mikey so very much, i can see him now walking through the back door, leaning for a rest against the work top. I can see him in hospital going off to theatre and i can see him coming back. I feel the loss as much now as then, it hasn't changed.

Oh i can numb the pain by pretending all is well but its so tiring living a pretence. So bone weary tiring.The constant inner turmoil just to get out of bed in the mornings and the dread of getting into bed at night.

The pup has made such a difference to Tim, he is smiling and has plenty to say and do now. That's a joy for me to see. It hurts just to pet and reassure the pup when he wants attention. It reminds me of stroking Mikey in that damn hospital bed. Helpless and not being able to have my baby back. I cant accept his death. I know he isn't here but i just like to think that hes away and i haven't seen him for a while. It really does seem just like yesterday that we said see you later to him. Is that a way of coping. Is that life. Am i going mad. Maybe, maybe.

I read somewhere recently that... 'There is no easy way to love- the consequence of loving is to suffer.' How many would agree to that.

I suppose i ought to make this blog cheerful somehow, but i damn well don't feel like it today. I want to wallow in self pity and misery. Shes won, i give in, Misery can have what there is left of me and welcome. Let her feast, she will banquet tonight. But tomorrow, well, its another day.

Day 209

What a day!!! no time to think and no time to draw breath!

Up most of the night with the new addition to the family!!! i eventually got off to sleep at 4 am!!!! Awoken to Tim calling me and this bundle of fur shooting across the floor with my race sock in his mouth! This hastily retrieved by Tim only for Duke to swiftly collect something else! I should have taken that as an omen of the day to come.
Tim informed me that at 5 am he was up with Duke, grabbed my dressing gown to let Duke out when he did, Duke thought it was play time snatched at the belt and virtually disrobed Tim in one swift pull of the belt, leaving Tim exposing himself to all and sundry!! Maybe he will get some clothes on next time!!!

Work has been relentless, the phone hasn't stopped the people wanting to talk with me, care to be planned staff to be contacted the list goes on!!!

Duke to the vets for his jabs and micro chipping. I came home on my bike and didn't get it parked before Tim climbed on to go to town whilst i ate!!! it was something like the pony express!!!

Swimming tonight and then shopping.

Met a lady whose son had died several years ago and offered her condolences about Mikey!! so i blubbed in the shop. Later i met my very dear friend Diana who now has problems herself and if i can help her i will. It doesn't matter the age of our children they never really leave us. That's good and yet odd because when they are small we pray fro them to become adults and look after themselves. When they are adults we pray for them to be small because we realise they were no problem at all!!. Worry it never ends, in fact it magnifies because there is only so much they want us to do and only so much they want to share. The one thing we may be able to help is financially and then we are often saying if they don't learn to look after their money they never will. Its a no win situation for parents and child alike!!
Mikey remains ever at the front of our minds, how he would have loved Duke and have roared with laughing at the escapes he is getting into. My strawberry plants disappeared as i was speaking to Tim the grow bag where i had nurtured the plants from seeds, went in a flash and two paws hastily digging. Tim raced out into the garden but alas too late. Mike would I'm sure have made some very witty remark about leaving them out as temptation!

Dukes asleep and I'm going to try and creep into bed. Goodness only knows what will happen when the light goes off!
I will add the holiday diary on tomorrow but i have just about had it!!
Ah well tomorrow is another day!!

Day 307/308

So much for blogging every day! Well we picked up our puppy yesterday and boy did he cry when we were a few miles from his home!! missing his mum i think. I did manage to settle him and he travelled all the way without a peep.
It took him a while to settle once home he was so quiet, things changed by the evening. He was full of it. Garden up rooted and following at our heels all the time. A joy.
We had to put him in his pen at night time and then he howled and cried. Tim sat with him. i sat with him and we sat with him! Duke slept then through out the night. What a good little thing he is.

Tim up at 0530 this morning!!! My run day, very nervous. It was hot as well. Left Tim and Duke at home and the run started at 11am! right in the middle of the day. We started off well but by the time we reached 3 miles we were exhausted! Sue had a headache and needed the loo. Finding a bush was hard going. We walked quite a bit really, more than we usually do but we didn't think it was worth messing ourselves up! We were encouraged around the course and could see people very close to us but still thought to keep going  bit by bit. We finished the race together and although tired quickly recovered. I put ice pack on my ankle straight away and it has been OK. Next race is in August and I'm sure we will do much better. Its at least 5 miles now each time we run.
I collected my potatoes or should i say Rob did on my behalf!
Home and i found both Tim and Duke fast asleep in the garden, Tim with a sun hat and Duke in the shade, cant be bad!!
Duke continued to be very brave and Tim has tried to wear him out tonight by tying a dish cloth on a piece of string and running around the garden all afternoon. Child gate ordered on the Internet!!! i collect it from Argos on Wednesday, blast lost my order number, it must be here somewhere. Tim said he was proud of me today!! and thinks we have both done really well and its about getting through a race fit and well not about trying to keep up with others. Tim says we will get there eventually, we are just taking time!!
Well i was going to continue with the Holiday diary but i will catch up tomorrow, the past two days have been crammed full of trying to look after the pup and this race. So i am going to bed now, well i think so i have just heard Duke stir so i just may not. Still trying to sort out the pics, i must have the computer man out again.

Day 306

Well i did say i was in a muddle with the days!!! so i thought i would put real day at the top and blog the missing days here until i have caught up. The way things are going its going to take a while!!!

Up early this morning! and saw Tim off as he headed to Docaster to help Tom. Boot full of tools, he was not taking any chances in case Tom had forgotten anything.
Headed to work early, amazing really that i got up after yesterdays run! what an evening. I think i was still suffering after Tuesdays 5 mile run. Not that we knew until Thursday how far we had gone. We had another lady run with us and boy could she talk!! Dont know where she got the breath from. Problem was the more she talked the faster i went and was wearing myself out instead of pacing myself. Ah well lesson learned. It was so hot last night i am beginning to wonder how i will cope on Sunday, it talks of being hot again.
The ankle remains swollen and sore and i will rest it after Sunday, i have delayed going for my xray results until afterwards. I did ask the radiographer if it was broken and she said no, i trust their judgement but im not sure what i have done.

August draws ever closer and its with a great deal of sadness that i am remembering this time of the year and the events that happened and also how Mikey was, the constant lung collapses and the hopes of going home for a while to be dashed with anoth lung failure. God he was so incredibly brave and strong, well the face he showed the world and us. No one can cope so well with out inner turmoil. How we wished we knew. Still we cant change the past, i wish we could. Life sadly isnt like an artists sketch where you can rub out mistakes and start again in the attempt to obtain perfection. Its one shot only.
We are picking up an 8 week old German Wirehaired Pointer tomorrow morning. Tim will have so much to think about and another best friend! Thank goodness i kept the rocking chair because he will have a few nights without sleep until the pup settles.
We had a pointer just like him when the boys were small and he lived for 14 years, a wonderful companion. I remember when we went the owner said stand back im going to let them out. 9 puppies bounded out of a bard one knocking Mikey over in his exuberance! he remained like that until we lost him. This pup will grow old with us!! and will keep us active with all the exercise he will need. I will take some pictures and post if i can. Must get this computer fixed properly!!!

Holidays then
DAY 283

Drtmoor today. Another reflective journey. Its been so good to talk about both boys and forget for a while what has happened. Its almost like we still have them both. We really were blessed with our children! Such good memories of happy days.
I digress, Tim thought there was a better way of getting to Dartmoor that our usual route and told me to read the map book and give directions. Big mistake. I actually knew where we were going and was confident in my orientation skills. However Tim thought otherwise!!! When we found ourselves in the depths of the moors with only wild ponies and sheep he became a tad stressed. The roads became single tracked lanes and the air inside the car became very thick! you could cut the tension with a knife! oh lord best keep quiet. A man never trusts a woman to know they are right!! Anyway he was just about to turn around, not sure where because no where to do so when we saw a sign post that said Princetown. Thank goodness!!!

The prison could be seen on the horizon, briefly!! It was disapointing really because they are doing so much work to the prison that it was surrounded by scaffolding and polythene, never mind we had a good walk around until it rained!!! It was miserable up on the moors, it must have been very bleak years ago when it was first built.
We stopped at Badgers Hold on our return. Another place where Mikey fell in the stream from the rocks!!

We spent the evening in Broadsands where Tim had a jog!!! i have the photos.
Still sticking to the diet, what a good person i am! or maybe im becoming obsessed.
Ankle is miserable, lots of ice when i get back to the caravan, but you have to walk dont you?

Day 284

Not so nice again today. Lie in and then to Brixham for lunch.
Walked to Preston, saw the sculpture i liked again and am really tempted. Shop was shut again and no one in. Tim said if i liked it have it. So considering it. Its a fab piece.
Went to the cinema today and watched Xmen the beginning. Really good film and we both enjoyed it.
The ankle had ballooned so i really must rest it if possible, lets hope we have quieter day tomorrow!

Day 285

Teignmouth today it was cold! and we saw black swans swimming in the sea, how unusual. Went back to the caravan early and i went to the launderette and did some washing. Walked to Goodrington in the dark this evening and watched the fireworks again.
Had a call from the art gallery and I'm going to collect the sculpture next week.
Its been a week already and its been lovely.
Tim's in bed and its raining!!!

Day 286

Its raining hard really pouring down. Its the 12th June, 10 months today. The heavens are crying with us. A day of rest i thought. We attempted to get out for lunch but it was so bad we got soaked just walking a few yards, the brolly blew inside out and the wind was fierce. Back to the caravan and there we stayed. Naughty with the diet today!!! but hey ho cant be a saint about things, can i?
The ankle has been better today so the rest has been good for it. No weight bearing at all really in comparison with the past few days. Watched motor cycling the Grand Prix, and it was raining in Canada so that made me feel a bit better. Looks like there may be a prowler about, someone just shone a flash light in the door. Bed for me then!! Its still raining.