Days 92-95

Gosh it just seems that I'm getting later and later writing at the moment. Tims tucked up in bed and its so damn cold!!!

Reflecting back over the last few days has been a revelation and has enabled us to look ahead, just a little but its a start.

The days away have given us back a little of each other and above all else a bit of tolerance too. I can at least come home now to a husband and someone that i can relate to. None of these have been Tims fault but more me and how i have perceived life i think.

Having spent the last three days sleeping for most of the time walking the rest and just chilling and enjoying a change of scenery have worked wonders.
The weather although cold was dry and we have been able to get out and do some good walks. The Royal walk at Torquay and a late night walk or two by the ocean has been so calming. There has been no hustle and bustle, no deadlines to meet just us and time!! and for once not our mortal enemy.

The one thing we have said is that Mikey would have been interested and pleased that we had done something different but we know that had Mikey been here now we would have just chugged away in our boring way. Sad isn't it that we had to wait for this to happen and in some ways allowed life and our youth to pass without being aware. But we are where we are now and need to make the most of the time we have left to us. We are looking to go away again in March.

It was so easy sitting in our lodge looking out at the ocean and seeing the horizon, imagining what it was like years ago when it was thought that the horizon was the end of the earth and we would drop off the edge, or imagining the fear of those living close to the sea and watching invaders approach. A time to imagine and enjoy our solitude. For once not dwelling on what has passed.

Mikey was with us in thoughts but we were able to have some joy in our memories and not so much despair. Today however sadness did return but not in that surge of feeling that we drowned in, we have been able to surf the water and are still standing.

The unpleasant thoughts of the last few weeks and the effect the actions of others have had on us are now just an unpleasant fading memory and we can concentrate on Mikey and on Tom, that has to be good.

Our paper lanterns will be a beacon of our love and thoughts, at last i can see something positive to happen on Xmas day. Not much but some small precious moment to look towards.

Tom is snowed in up in Doncaster as they have had some heavy snowfall, we have had very little in comparison, i hope he will be down for a while next week. We are both looking forward to that.
I wonder what he will think of Mikey being here with us, as yet Tom has not seen his treasured place here at home. I hope he will not think it morbid but a comfort. We shall see.

No time to put any more pics here tonight but tomorrow is another day........

Day 91-94

Oh my goodness, i have so much to write and there is no way i am going to do it all tonight!! i have just finished downloading my photos and that has taken ages!!! Not the most proficient on the computer!

Since returning today i have spent hours trying to get some boots. Yep we came back to find this part of the country has been having snow. Lucky us we escaped all but a light dusting last night.
No luck shops sold out of my size and i was not a happy bunny when a shop assistant offered me a pair of just above ankle length fur boots, the type my mother used to wear!! now ready for those just yet. So off to the big town on Thursday by the look of things.

Friday, we left at 0400hrs to travel down and miss the traffic says Tim. Well its a bit of adventure so i didn't mind, much!!


The drive down was quiet and by the time we reached Bristol the Temp was -4.5 not looking good, and as daylight came the sun was casting shadows over the frost covered fields and hills a buzzard glided on the wind just to the side of the car. The sheep with their winter coats  proudly marching in single file, heads held high climbing ever upwards. Strange to see considering all our land is so flat in the fens.
It was strange driving on the M5 to see the frost covered fields on the left and the clear fields on the right where the sun had reached. Another buzzard.

Tim made good time really and we reached Torquay at 10am to glorious sunshine and the Temp had raised another 13 degrees.. It was really warm. We went and sat round the harbour and sunbathed. OK we had our coats on but the glasses were pushed up on top of my head, eyes closed head back and sigh. we needed this.

                                                                    


Returning to the car we passed a small kiosk which was open!!! and in the window shouting out at me was a small fridge magnet and on it it said... Don't count the days, make the days count. An omen/ i think so in i went and purchased it. I have it here beside me as i write!

Lunch El fresco and headed to accommodation to settle in. 3pm and the day was drawing to a close!! Wonderful lodge, bottle of wine waiting and the heating on, beautiful. View was stunning. We could feel ourselves relaxing.
Unpack short rest and decided to go to the cinema. What a mistake, the phone started to ring. That it was it for the night. Tim didn't grumble but suggested next time we come away to leave the wretched thing behind!!! Sounds like a good plan!!!

So it was a quick snack and an early night

Already it felt like a weight had lifted.

I'm actually really tired!! so its bed for me and i will continue with the eventful weekend!! later, in fact I'm going to save it because tomorrow is another day..............

Day 90

Its 0100hrs and we are off to Devon in few hours!!

Winter is here and its so frosty!!! the Autumn leaves are stuck to the pavements like slivers of frozen skin. Dangerous for someone like me. Not the most stable person on her feet!! Clumsy would be more apt.

Snow has been falling over the country and as usual we are not prepared!! However i have packed blankets flasks extra clothing just in case.

We hope these few days away will give us chance to get to know each other all over again i wonder if we will like what we find!!! We have been together since we are 17!!! cant throw all that time away.

Tims decided that as there is a risk of snow and that means grit on the road we wont be taking his car!!! the salt may effect the wheels!! so we are going in mine. Oops needed two new tyres on the front today and tonight went to fill the car up only to find only one headlight working. My fault of course for not checking. Hello! i don't look when I'm in the car. How many women switch the lights on and then get out to see if the  lights are working, ummm! Anyway i would have noticed that the drive looked a little dim tonight, wouldn't i?

I wonder how long it will take us? depends on the weather i expect. Still i expect i will sleep most of the way! There is something about being in a car that sends me to sleep. Mike used to sleep when we fetched him home and took him back to Papworth. Thinking about it both boys sleep if they are passengers. Must be contentment!!

I adore the work of the Devon artists and the oil paintings by Gordon Allen are superb. The black and white paintings of the harbours and coastline are exquisite I wonder if i should get another!! If their studio is open i may well do that.
If i had a gift it would be one that enables me to put brush to canvas, oh well I'm trying hard with photography and will have to see what i come up with over the next few days. Ive tried to persuade Tim to go to Dartmoor but that fell on stony ground, still we will have to see.

I wont be blogging for the next few days but plan to write an epistle on Monday. No computer whilst away!!!

Now its almost time i am actually beginning to look forward to the time away and that's a good feeling. I hope it lasts. Ah well we will see and Tomorrow is another day.....................

Day 89

They say the calm comes before the storm don't they?

So what went wrong, i feel like i have been in the eye of a tornado today. I only just feel calm and reasonably chilled and its gone midnight!.

Woke this morning talking to myself, not a good sign however i was not to know that at the time!!!

Got to work and before i had closed the entrance door i had staff wanting to see me urgently! Why is that when they want something they cant wait, but if i want something from them i can never get hold of them? Well i suppose that's life!! Basically i didn't get my coat off until 1030 today and i may as well put it back on and gone home for the day!!

Life at the moment is full of these odd days, i wonder if its when i have a bad day the old body is saying cant have two like that, lets find something else to keep her mind busy. Enough!!! Please!!

Met with another parent whose son is dying slowly and he has a young son, how tragic is that. I wonder how she copes and yet she sat and asked me the very same question, we cried together, there was no embarrassment just two parents grieving for each other and our losses. How wonderful is that. It gives you hope for humanity. That was an hour of respite and it was back to work!! I just didn't stop and yet cant measure the work i got through today. Ah well my mind and body know what i achieved.

Misery has left me alone for a while and i will not mention again as i don't want to tempt fate. In her place i have a little gremlin perched on my shoulder constantly chattering away. Driving me mad. That's good because at least i am able to recognise these bizarre creatures that are haunting me. Actually it has been easy for me to put substance to my worries and feelings and by giving them names!!! It defines barriers and that has helped me from slipping of the very tenuous path I'm on. Lets hope the crampons work!!!!!

We are off to Devon on Friday and the weather remains forecast for snow. Shovel, flask and blanket to go with us!!

I will miss my Blogging!! How will i cope, will i have days worth of thought s and feelings going round and round in my head. Not sure how that will be for me. Its a test i expect!!! Wonder if i will pass.

Mike you were right its damn cold in this bedroom!! your rucksack sits on the floor propped against your unit, i just have not been able to take your things out of it. It will be all to final, God we miss you son of ours.

Tom is hoping to get a transfer back to this area on compassionate grounds i do hope so. I am aware how hard it is for him so far from all his family and friends. Is there any chance of a bit of luck for this family? 

Ah well i suppose tomorrow is another day...............

Day 88

I know you read this blog every day Diana so today this is for you.

Friends like you are rare. We have known each other for 30years. Oh my goodness isn't that a long time!!! Our children were born very close to each other, Mathew and Tom and then Mikey and Victoria. I treasure our friendship more that anything you have been such a great support over the past few months and yet never expecting anything from me, just there propping me up by your kind thoughts and messages. Today i really needed those hugs and i just want the world to know that i love you xxxxxx. Don't worry I'm only away for three days so i promise a huge blog next Monday!!!

I hope Tim and i can get back on track and do some communicating! Well it does talk of snow and we may just be stuck in doors with each other for all of that time EEK.

                                     Diana and me early 8o's look at the ambulance Di a bit dated now!!
                                                                    

Ive had some really bad days and some not so bad ones, I'm so lucky to have so many people who really care for us and worry about us. So to everyone of those and i know you also read this my heartfelt thanks and immense gratitude just for being there, for putting up with me and most of all for understanding the pain I'm going through. I cant say this out loud because i will just get upset and i cant cope with that now. Tears are for home and private time now. Yep i know i cant help the odd slip and know that it will happen when i least expect it but perfection I'm not!!

I am still amazed by the human race and i suppose i am really gullible, Mike and Tim frequently have told me that, but i look to see the best in people really and never think that they would think and act the way they do!! i suppose i expect their standards to be the same. I never expected the term 'in laws' to be used quite so early and i then question how Mikey was thought of or not?? If that's the case why deprive a parent of treasured belongings. That's something i guess i will never know but if the boot was on the other foot i know i wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I expect the correct word is conscience, some have one and some don't. Thank goodness my parents taught me how to be a decent person. Thanks folks even though your not here now i miss you both to.

I am at least able to write my feelings down and its been such a relief, each night going to bed having unburdened myself. Knowing that these thoughts are mine alone!!  Yes the reader will make their own mind up about me and the way I'm dealing with grief, everyone copes differently so who is to say I'm wrong!! what a relief saying that.

At this very moment I'm feeling more settled, no longer angry, a little confused and very very sad still but it in control more often than not. That's progress.  But we all no that tomorrow is another day......

Day 87

i have been trying to put some new music on my ipod ready for the road and was listening to AFI Morning Star. It is a beautiful song but very sad. It was one of Mikeys favourite tracks. I now wonder if it had so much meaning for him listening to the lyrics. Mikey and Claire went through several bad patches and is this how Mikey felt.
I cant ask him but it makes me so sad that i couldn't offer comfort if it was. How lonely he must have been feeling.

He was so incredibly strong and it makes me feel almost inadequate as a parent that all this was going on in his mind as well as coming to terms with the possible end of his life. How on earth did he keep sane, how on earth he didn't crumble i will never know. I am aware that he had so much support from other CF sufferers and he kept in touch and chatted with them on the CF site. What a comfort that must have been for him. All these young people from all over the world keeping in contact with each other is pretty amazing.
And then was Maddie, Mikeys very close friend who he loved and shared so many of his worries. I am so grateful that he had her in his life.

                                                    Maddie Hull taken by Mikey July 2010

                                                     Mikey taken by Maddie July 2010        
                                                     
                 
Do we take our friends for granted? may be us fit and healthy people do, i know Michael didn't. How he loved!! One of the things he used to say was don't judge just accept. I read a quote tonight and it went.. if you spend time making judgements you have no time to love. That's a lesson i think for us all!! I am trying. Its not easy and yet Mikey managed so why cant i.

I think if you have everything to lose you do look at life differently. I hope our time away this week end will give us the time to talk without distraction and come to terms with some of the changes in our lives. Something or someone has to give, will it be me? if it is can i live a life like that. I don't know, we can only try our best.

I may be spending to much of my time analysing situations,events and comments too deeply, i should just accept as Mikey said. I wish i could I'm to me!!!

It talks of snow for the week end!! Tim said we may be snowed in for 6 months, my reply was well one of will come out in the spring!! but who will it be. Survival instincts say me!!!! reality says Tim. We shall hope for an early thaw!!!

My beautiful niece Joni continues to be a great support always texting to see if we are OK. Tom and Joni keep in touch and i am so pleased Tom now takes the time to answer her. I wish Tom and Mike had been closer. That's families, it is often to late to make that effort and then live with the consequences. I know Tom misses Mikey and he still feels that he should have been sorted for a transplant much earlier. Tom sees things in black and white. I chose not to other wise i will beat myself up every day.

Mikey was the adult who made his decisions and we always respected him and his choices. We didn't always agree but we kept that to our selves. Tim said yesterday that if he had persuaded Mikey not to have had the operation he would have been so upset to have seen him lying in bed knowing that there was no future for him. Tim could not bear that. I think we are slowly beginning to discuss what happened and although its hard i do think we need to talk.
At the time of Mikeys death we did talk but slowly in our distress we closed our minds to that and focused on other things happening at the time. We have not been able to have closure yet.... but tomorrow is another day

Day 86

21st November!!! 28 years ago today Tom was born. Thank goodness we couldn't see into the future then.

Having your first child gives you so much hope and you imagine all their life for them. What they will achieve etc your dreams are all happy ones. Never in a million years did we  imagine how we would be feeling 28 years on.

Would we have changed anything, that's such a hard question to answer. Would we have been happy not to have had Mikey in our lives, absolutely not. But most certainly wish we had never had to deal with CF and all that comes with that. We have met some wonderful people but no one would want their child to suffer as we watched ours.

It was strange not seeing Tom today and not having a birthday cake!!! We always have a special day no matter what. But not today. Toms not into relationships at the moment. That may change, however i don't think that Tim or I will ever be grandparents. So i really ought to clear the loft of the vast amount of games Lego etc that we have up in the loft. Mikeys action men all in their original boxes. Mikey so looked after all his belongings. Was so very tidy. Toms the opposite, or was, maybe he has changed!!!

I have had a few dodgy moments today, holding back the tears but sitting here now can feel my eyes filling. I can so see his face on that last day, and i so wish i could turn back the clock and hold back time. Sadly i am aware that its impossible. Odd but in this last sentence there are three song titles well almost!!

Went to Eastwood today and took some silk flowers for mum and dad. The weather is changing and the sisters may not be able to get when its their turn. I looked for our plots today and thought about who will visit us. No one will. there will only be Tom. In a 100 years i wonder if visitors to Eastwood will look at our markers and wonder who we were. You never know it may be me in another life. I hope i make a better job of it next time around!!

It talks of snow for next week!! and we are away on Friday. I am looking forward to it now. Not sure how we will cope so far from all we know but i truly believe that if we don't go now then next year will be so hard. The last time we were there Mikey had just split up with Claire and was devastated. We didn't want to go away but he insisted. We arranged for my sisters to visit and keep in contact but for those two weeks he kept himself to himself and spent most of the time asleep of was very low in mood. It was then that he decided to get his camera. He only had a few weeks to use it. If we only knew!

I'm getting sad now and that means i will not be able to sleep so on a happier note......... um cant think of anything!!! ah well Tomorrows another day!..........

Day 85

Another foggy day. Luckily our mood seems good today. At least not our usual 'what are we going to do' I think the weather has helped make decisions for us.

Just a quiet day wandering up to town while Tim watched the sport, falling asleep on the settee.

Tom phoned to ask how to cook roast potatoes and his meat together when they take different times to cook! He said he had received three cards in the post but was not going to open them until tomorrow. He knows that he will miss Mikes card.

This is the 'first' occasion that we are celebrating without Mikey and it seems so strange. For 25 years Mike has always been present on a birthday its so very sad. Christmas is going to be the next hurdle. I don't know how we will manage I'm sure.

Tim and i were talking whilst out walking tonight about time. Its been 3 months now and where has that time gone. In another 3 months it will be almost spring. Tim said it doesn't matter if we cant move on or if we do, time continues to move with or with out us. That's true and i hadn't though of it like that. We also spoke about other parents like us. How they must also be having the same emotions as us and many have been living with their grief much longer and some maybe only a day. Where are all these parents. I certainly haven't seen any on sites or been in contact with any, and yet today i had a surprise. I looked on the cf remembrance site where i put Mikeys name and a lady called Rhonda had posted something, she lost her son when he was 17. It gave me a warm feeling that a stranger took the time to make a comment, how kind.

I'm glad we are away next week end. They are switching on the Christmas lights and i don't feel like joining in the festivities at all.

I bought the new Take That CD today so must put it on ipod.

I am unfolding Roger tomorrow night and will start tramping out the miles in doors. Last nights episode gave me a bit of a scare so not too happy about walking or running out in the dark alone. Not afraid of the dark, but not fast enough to run away if someone should follow me etc!!!

Tims blood pressure is really good now, i expect some of the reasons for his bad heads was stress. That's one less thing to worry about.
Next month i seem to have lots of things to do, my month will be busy and that will help take my mind of things to some extent.
Words at moment consist of, things, seem and good!! I need to expand my vocabulary.

Depending on the weather i may try to put all my photos on discs. That will be a task in itself especially as I'm a bit of a technophobe! At least it will pass the time. Cant bear sorting out another wardrobe, far to traumatic! Tim thinks it should be the loft!!! Oh my oh my he will want to throw things away and I'm not happy with that. Surely i can persuade him to wait until the good weather!!! Well he wont climb the ladder to the loft so that's a good excuse for me not to.

Its so cold again tonight but our rooms look so cosy with the candles lit. Tim has now started to light them before i get home. That's so thoughtful.

We see nothing of Tims family anymore and all our conversations are around my work or my conversations with my sisters and Tim said tonight we don't talk very much anymore, or i don't talk to him very much. What do we say to each other. I cant make conversation about nothing! and Tims contribution now is so limited. Not sure how we can resolve it. Oh well Tomorrow is another day.............

Day 84

Woke up early this morning bright and breezy! as if nothing happened yesterday.

Opened the curtains and it was thick fog. Winter definitely here. Managed to get to work early!!
Im so lucky to work with people who are so forgiving, i must be a nightmare to work with. Never knowing from day to day what to expect.

I was more organised today and i always seem happier with a bit of order, and was quite upbeat. Managed to go out to do assessment today.

The road was dreadful, so foggy the trees really scary in the gloom. Its strange that some people are afraid of the dark but the fog really gives me the willies. It was a real pea souper. I managed to follow a lorry and for once very happy to remain behind him and follow his tail lights.
It hasn't lifted all day and looks set for the week end! Not so good if we want to go out. Looks like it will be another trip up the library while Tim watches rugby tomorrow afternoon.

Tim managed to get the shed roof completed yesterday and we posted off Toms birthday cards. I expect he will be lonely now this week end Grand Prix has finished and this will be the first year without a message from Mikey. It will be now that Tom will miss Mike more and may even be thinking that he should have spent more time with him. That's something we will all be thinking I'm sure. There would never have been enough time, we would always have wanted more. We always thought we would have more time. We never really in our hearts thought that we would lose him. I know we discussed it, our heads certainly knew, but deep deep down we just didn't want to have to face it.
It doesn't matter what knowledge you have of a disease. You can read the books, wear the T shirt but reality is so so different.
Mike had to face reality as do so many young people with CF how on earth do they do it. I enjoy reading the posts of a young lady with Cf and she is so enjoying life. Her posts make me smile. She has this incredible wit, and a very very clever lady. Her cakes are something else. I cant say about taste but if they do taste as good as they look well its a bit like heaven I'm sure. Yet with all she has to cope with she still has time to contact me and ask how i am. Amazing.
I did wonder after my blog of a few weeks ago if i would lose friends by my actions, i am so pleased they all keep in touch.

The best news is that Mikeys very dear friend who he loved and thought of a sister is in a relationship and seems so happy. Mike would have been so happy for her, but full of brotherly advice!!
I have now gained a special person in my life, so i have been blessed.

Today i feel OK, thank goodness. I would just like to say to all who left me messages today, thank you for caring, you are the buffer that stops me crashing!!!! However one dear friend keeps posting some fabulous photos, fog scenes at the moment so i am extremely jealous!!! but not for much longer i hope.
Camera should be here in the next two weeks!!! its popular no doubt.

I went for a walk in the fog tonight Tim stayed at home to watch the Rugby!!!! I understand that there may have been murder outside our local nightclub tonight. I walked past earlier tonight! Police had area cordoned off with blue tape and what appeared to be a body under a sheet. How sad is that. Another family will be going through hell.

Well I'm going to bed in a far lighter mood that yesterday. This grieving stuff is so unpredictable and so bone wearying.  I must learn not to expect too much of myself and others. Its just that i feel sad all the time. I am trying though and i do think that its been a build up of trying and pretending that caught up with me. I expect that will happen again, i hope i will be prepared, or at least recognise the feelings. Stay in bed for the day!!!!

Be gone misery because tomorrow is another day.......

Day 83

What a day.

Felt lousy all day. Its a huge effort just being here tonight so doubt if i will stay long.

Not sure whats been wrong today. I have hardly been able to make sense of a thing. So so tired. Not just physically but mentally too. Tired to the depths of my soul.
I have had a headache maybe that's what dragged me down. Having trouble walking in a straight line, literally.

I reached a point today when i just couldn't do another thing. Ready to throw in the towel. Not in anger or in frustration, no reason at all. I hit a wall. I left work early and i mean early.
Went home for lunch and took some headache tablets and went to bed. I have never ever done that before. Not in the middle of the day. I slept. I woke, i went back to work. I came home took some more tablets. Still have headache! Maybe a virus, maybe migraine don't know. Don't like it!!!

Is this depression? what on earth have i got to be depressed about. When i consider what Mikey had to cope with i should be ashamed of myself. I need to get a grip. But its so hard.

I miss Mikey, i miss thinking good things, i miss me and Tim being how we were. I miss not being in control. I miss my old life.
Sad isn't it that I'm sitting here blubbing like a baby, and for what. I have everything. I have life.

So much for counselling and the help that's forthcoming to parents!! That's not fair. I have to go to the Dr's first, admit I'm feeling depressed and wait for a referral. This blog is just as good. It doesn't ask questions that i do not want to answer, doesn't make judgements and sadly doesn't give answers.
I guess I'm the only one that can do that. I feel like ball of wool. No that's not right at least that has a beginning and an end.

Misery has found me!!! that's what it is. Ha! how stupid was i not to realise. Such poor company she is too.
I have been eating chocolate so that may be why the headaches, stupid, stupid me.

I had been feeling really positive, maybe it was yesterday talking about Mikey that's made me feel low. I cant say.
Few days away is becoming very appealing not long to wait now.

Going to bed, tomorrow is yet another day........................

Day 82

Its been a day of ups and downs today.

One of those days when you haven't a clue who you are, what you are doing or where you are going.

Whoever is in this body is unrecognisable, did someone take me over during the night? Shame they were not more dynamic.

My camera has still not materialised, phone calls tomorrow me thinks. I do so hope i have it by the time we go to Devon next weekend. The weather is not looking to good, and i just hope we can get out and have some walks by the sea. We may start to communicate a little better.

Linda my sister rang today and the four of us sisters are going to have a day out hitting the shops. We have never ever done that together before, something else new. Linda is hoping her knee will hold up. I suggested a wheelchair! i will push, we wont go far with my dodgy wrist and will no doubt end up going in circles. I wonder who is driving! Its the 9th December and its mums birthday so will be little special.

Had a long chat about Mikey today with my boss. It was nice actually because i try not to mention him at work. I am so aware that if i talk about it all the time no one will want to talk to me at all and start avoiding me. You can be lonely in a crowd and i don't want that to happen.

Swimming tomorrow, i do hope the water is warmer that Tuesday it was freezing! ended up sitting in the sauna with a lovely lady and gentleman. The chap told us he sat in the sauna last week and the top bench fell down with him sitting on it!! not very comforting is it!

Tim posted Toms birthday card off today to make sure it arrives on time. It will be a lonely day for him on his own. It will be a year in December since Ashley and he decided to separate. I know she phoned him and said he could have a divorce and as soon as possible. I would think that's because she is having another mans baby! Tom has said if she wants divorce she can apply or wait for the two years, otherwise he has to pay and hes not doing that. He has had to deal with so much already.

Tim met several people up town today so he has been chatting to them. It was good that he was able to contribute to the conversation its hard when its so one sided.
Went and get some felt to re roof the garden shed. A job for a dry day. I hope i don't have to help. I usually get whacked with a hammer or some dire event befalls me at Tim's hand. Not the best D.I.Y person in the world.

Well i really am going to try for an early night I'm going to have drop of that liqueur i bought and see if that helps. Its Thursday tomorrow, and i hate them it may be different although i don't hold out much hope but i suppose Tomorrow is another day.........................

Day 81

Another sharp frost. I suppose the good thing about them is they will kill the bugs.

Not a good day today. I was asked about Mike and i just felt all the protective layers peel off one by one leaving me exposed and naked. Damn.

Crying and couldn't stop today, just when you think you are managing too. Only to open my mail box on facebook to find a lovely message from someone who has become very dear to me thanks to Mike. Tim said Tom phoned again tonight when i was swimming how strange that the three most important young people in my life now were all in touch today.

Work was of no help today!! Keeping busy also has a down side, whilst in many ways it has been my solace its also been a stone around my neck! perhaps not the most apt description in view of recent events but it will do for now.
Its just been so hard keeping up the pretence that all is well, I'm lying to myself.

Looks like food is winning!!! When Mike was a baby and we found out about his CF i took to chocolate! and was very seriously addicted. I would hide bars of the stuff under his pram mattress. Even telling Tim i had no snack bars for his pack up!!
I knew things were bad when i saw a child being pushed in his pushchair towards me when out walking and he was eating a bar of chocolate. I could have happily snatched it out of his hands and eaten it whilst he watched. Gosh how bad was that!!! It took so much effort to reduce my intake at the time. But it saved the NHS a fortune in anti depressants!

It would appear that this sneaky addiction has wormed itself back in my life with a vengence. Don't believe me? ask Carol my admin!!!
Got to stop now, before i have thunder thighs and cant run!! Mike would have told me i was getting fat though. He isn't here to tell me though!

Power walking starts in earnest tomorrow!!

Camera still not arrived!!! so feeling sad about that hope i get it before we go away next week. I just hope it doesn't rain when we are away. What will we do for three days in a log cabin. Don't even go there. A good book and some DVDs may be the answer.

News, Prince William is engaged!!! wedding next year. Sure sign the general public are heading for bad time. Its to give us something to look forward to. Then an Olympic baby perhaps!

I seem to have finished writing early tonight. That's a first but Tomorrow is another day........

Day 80

Oh my goodness. I managed to drag myself out of bed this morning, only to look outside to see a sharp frost!!! Tim had to warm the car up for me to defrost the windscreen for me.

Today has really been yet another day of waiting for my camera to arrive. Damn and blast!! I so want to get cracking on doing something!!!!

Dr's today!! hate going still only have two weeks to wait for the results instead of the usual 6 so that's an improvement. Hopefully after my break away.

Tim hasn't seen a soul today and asking if i have any assessments so he can come for a ride!! mind you sitting in a car waiting in this weather is not pleasant.

I think I'm in shock after yesterday and discarding so many clothes!!! i feel tempted to go and rob the Sally army clothing bank to get them back. Only problem with that is the wretched opening on the bank!! i think if i was to get in there is no way out. OK so that's a no then!!

Work today was, well Monday!!! but on the plus side it will soon be Friday.

Its amazing how i am managing to get through the day now. I think because i have so much to occupy my mind it gives me little time to spend on mulling over questions i have regarding Mikey. Its as if i have tucked them away wrapped in velvet to take out when i can cope. I wonder if the wrapping will stay on! What if i never want to open that box again. Am i trying to escape the realities or is this normal. Silly question really who knows what normal is anymore.

I really believe that in order to get through life in today's world you have to be a little of centre.
Sometimes we have to be selfish otherwise taking on board other external worries will push us over the precipice of living. Who wants to go there.

The darkness is staying away at the moment and misery has hitched a ride with someone else. Thank goodness. What a dreadful companion she was. I'm sure she will descend when i least expect. The good thing is i have lived through that experience once and will do so again.

I don't consider myself a strong person mentally but i will keep plodding on. I rarely give in when the going is tough, but this has been so difficult. I know there are many hurdles to come. Just being able to see that is an improvement.

Life is going on, Mikeys friends are getting on with the business of living and they have the most incredible road to travel. I admire them so much. Its a privilege to have them keep in touch with me. A link in some ways with Mikey.

I'm in Mikeys room where the computer has always been and we used to be surprised when Mikey used to say his room was cold when we were sweating in the other parts of the bungalow. He was so right it is cold in here!!!!
His bed awaits his homecoming, i know in my head that's not going to happen, but in my heart oh i so want it to be true. Well hearts do break don't they!!!

Well enough of that!!!  A few weeks ago i could not imagine that i would be able to discuss things as i do now. Is time a healer, no i don't think so. The wound is there, its scabbed over, and one knock can open it up again. But not today!

An early night me thinks!! That will be a first for a long time, but will i sleep? i doubt that very much. I no longer try i just accept that at some point my eyes have closed and its morning again to discover that

Tomorrow is another day..............

Day 79

Its 13 years today since i lost my brother Gordon. Can it have been that long. I can still remember it as if it was only yesterday. The boys loved their uncle and he them, we spent so many happy weekends together, our two boys and Gordon and Frans two girls. Everything has changed and moved on now.

I went to Eastwood today and spent time with Mum and Dad. Linda had been the day before and taken some lovely yellow mums. They looked grand against the black marble headstone. I wonder what they would have thought of our troubles. I thought maybe i would venture over to the small plots where the cremated remains of loved ones are resting. Our two plots are there, but i decided against it. It was cold today and the wind raw across the garden areas. Lonely to. I have been at Eastwood when there has been just me and a gentleman in a mac. He has often wandered in my direction. Not being a brave soul i quickly mounted my bike, watering can swinging from the handle bars peddling like fury. Well there are some strange folk about!!! He wasn't there today.

On the way home i wanted to cry and the effort not to was immense, i kept telling myself to pull myself together. I can do that now, i can switch my mind from memories. to suit, well most of the time. Is this a way of coping, i think so.

Grand Prix the last of the season, i couldn't bring myself to watch knowing Mikey wasn't here to see it. Daft i know but that's the way of it today. Tim watched as did Tom. I decided to sort my wardrobes out. Tims been saying i should for ages.

I'm a hoarder, squirreling memories away for years. I uncovered some surprises today. 30 pairs of jeans!! impossible. I can never find a pair to fit!! Well i decided to discard the size 8's no chance of ever getting in them again. The 10's and 12's i kept. Some of every colour and length. My word its ridiculous really.

T shirts jumpers, shorts etc etc thrown away. 5 bin bags of clothes taken to the Salvation Army clothes bank!! I still have 2 wardrobes to sort out!! That will take another 2 weeks I'm sure.

Mikes England football shirt, Toms first Quicksilver piece of clothing he bought. Mikes jeans with the bottoms frayed that he gave me when they were too small for him!! I looked good in those. I can remember weighing 9st 2 lbs and had been going to weight watchers then just before his wedding. Ah how things changed.

Mikes first teething ring appeared with Toms first leather jacket. The photo of the boys at Joys wedding and Tom wearing it sits on the small bedside table looking at me.
Tim doesn't understand the value i place on possessions, nor did Mikey, but Tom ah well he is like me. Tom has kept every card that Mike has ever sent to him. Its Toms birthday next weekend. Tom said don't forget to send me a card, it will be the only one i get this year. Mike never ever forgot.


Harry Potter is released on Friday, Mike would have been looking forward to that. How i wish he could have seen the final episode. I expect all of at some time will want to see or do one thing more. There will always be that one thing, our lifetime will never be long enough.

I'm in Mikes room looking at his rucksack I still haven't taken his clothes out that was given to us from Claire, no that's not right that her Dad gave to us reluctantly. Don't go there Sue not again!

Its almost Monday again and back to work. Walking routine restarts tomorrow. i think in may have had withdrawal symptoms!! all i want to do these days is sleep. That's not right surely. Could be sleep deprivation! This wretched had is all pins and needles as well. Drat, drat and double drat.

Ah well, Tomorrow is another day...............

day 78

Today was a day of  waiting,suspense and anticipation. Here we are and still waiting!!!!

You may ask why? i thought my camera would come today, ah well not to worry.

Again we seemed to be getting into a routine! yesterday i gave it some thought how our days had been lived by routines and appointments. Yet we are now doing the same thing, except a little differently.

Walk in the mornings, bike to the library in the afternoon. Nights are drawing in so going for a drive in the afternoons seems pointless, so its Tim with sport on TV and me with a book.

I went shopping whilst Tim was watching the rugby. The sky was strange, half black and  looking like rain and the other brilliant blue and the sun shining.

When i reached the checkout, i was stunned by the view outside the window. The sunset was glorious. The sky was on fire! the clouds shaped like long fingers grey in colour with orange, yellow and molten red . You could feel the warmth from the sky. How quickly it changed. As i watched the fingers spread like a huge fan pouring forth from them were tendrils of fire. I have a fascination for the sunsets i stood hypnotised in the glory of the end of day. The trees and hedge rows black the branches and twigs reaching out. The birds coming home to roost all of them black against the changing colours of the night.  This was occurring in the very area Mikey took his profile picture isn't that strange. I love the fens

I wonder what it is about sunsets how i am drawn to them. I love the very appearance of the sky being on fire without the smell and heat of the flames.

The fens have the most fantastic sunsets. The flat landscape with so much sky meeting the land and when we have a Fen blow the land and sky take on a very eerie appearance.

So many people dislike living here and find it depressing because its so flat. Tom and Mike moved away some of the reason was work or going to be closer to the wife's family and the rest because there is nothing to do here for young people. Each to their own. But when the Fens are in the blood there is no place like home and Mikes now home with us and Tom wants to return. There must be something here that is right! Maybe its us.

Out of five children i am the only one left in town. All the other moved to the fringes and within 25 mile radius. I left home when i was 17, didn't like it and returned home after 6 months!!!
Gordon the eldest and only brother died at 47yrs with non Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Jennie a specialist nurse lives in a village attached to a city.
Me still here and a nurse manager.
Linda lives on a farm in Norfolk and breeds dogs.
Joy is in a very small village on a common and is a crafter.

This fascination i have for the flame like appearance of the skies also includes the stubble burning.
Tim would take me for a nightly drive at the end of harvest just to look at the fires and the glow on the horizons. It doesn't happen now because of protecting the environment.

The saddest time here is the periods between now and the frosts, the soil is resting now and the fields look grim because they are so barren and wet. Beet heaps are reducing as are the potato stacks. Fields have been plowed.
Winter is fabulous here. I love the sharp frosts that make the teasels sharp and spiky just like out of a fairy tale, cobwebs the dew on the cobwebs freezing making them look like sturdy ropes. Trees and river frozen boats moored on the river banks spewing out  woodsmoke, from there fires inside. I adore it when they are burning apple wood as it drifts across the field towards you.
When the frost and snow have gone , usually February the land takes so long to be fit to work on but those few weeks go quickly and the winter planting begins to appear from the soil tress and hedges have a hazy green appearance when the are in bud. Its a time of rebirth.

I hope our spring soon comes. Maybe we will begin to heal. We are off to Devon in a couple of weeks just to get away. I think it will do us good.

Tom phoned to day and we had a long chat. I miss him too. He is coming to us for Xmas so that will be good. I hope we don't depress him!!! Tom seemed fine in himself i hope so. I worry about him. In fact i suppose in many ways i worried for Tom more than Mike. Mikey could talk and make friends easily. Tom is more withdrawn and doesn't make friends quickly. Tom is not sociable like Mikey either. Mikey could care for the house and home and take pride in it. Tom um no definitely not his thing. Mikey organised and could plan. Tom the opposite always leaving things to the last moment!
When Mikey passed away To said it would have been better if it had been him. He said no one would miss him where lots of people will miss mike. What he meant was Mikey was a better person. I think he need ed reassurance from us the he is important to us to. Which of course he is. We love Tom dearly but Mikey showed his feelings and wore his heart on his sleeve. Tom wears his very close to his chest.
It will be  a quiet Xmas. We will get through it though! i hope.

Off to bed i think its almost 2am and i thought i was going to have an early night. Ah well

Tomorrow is another day!.............

Day 77

The trees were skeletal this morning. Tim outside early sweeping up the leaves. He looks tired this morning. He has aged so much in the last few weeks. Its as if i am more aware of other people around me as well.

A waking sleep. That's where i have been. What a shock coming to, i thought yesterday was bad but today that awareness of others makes me feel guilty that i have been so wrapped up in myself i have ignored those closest to me. How patient they have been.

The wind is blowing winter ever onwards. Marching towards us with a vengeance. I feel so cold! Physically and emotionally.
Its strange that i am able to express myself here. I seldom let people in. I am sure to the outside world, i present as this stern unfeeling person. A person who can manage work and staff in a cold efficient manner. Oh well you cant win them all. I wonder how many of the people around me take the time to look beyond what they see. Everyone hurts, decisions do not come easy and i worry about how staff are going to manage in the months ahead. I very much doubt that they think i care. In order to make unpleasant decisions you cannot become to close to those around you. Very much easier said than done. I have this dreadful habit of speaking first and thinking later!! i say things as they are, never meaning to upset anyone but i do anyway. Mike could be very cutting with his comments!! but honest. Mike also had good dress sense. You know one of these people that could look really nice even in a duster!!! You could always depend on him telling you if the clothes suited you or not!!!

Its dark now when i come home from work and i cant believe its Friday already. Its the last Grand Prix of the season this week end and it looks as if its going to be exciting. Mike would have loved it and full of it! Tom i know plans his week ends around the races.

Harry Potter is released next week. Mike desperately hoped he would live to see the last one. How sad he will not be able to, i wonder if we will go to see it on the cinema when we are on holiday! Tims not keen and Tom was never as interested as Mike and I. Well we shall see.

Tim looked at my bike and freed the dynamo but the lights still not working. Umm wonder whats wrong with them!!

Got loads of exercises to do from the physio and i am going to see him once a month until the big day!! that's to make sure i can stay as fit as possible. The things you do!!!

Bought a new dress this evening. Not at all what i would normally chose. Trying to be a little adventurous!! I hope i haven't left it to late.

The strange thing about living within a CF family has been how your life becomes structured without realising. Time is so important, meds, physio, meds, meal, meds,snack. meds sleep physio and so on. Slotting in the pleasurable things in life. This becomes the norm. For 25 years we have had what many would call an abnormal life style. Even when Mike moved out we still managed our day as though he was here. Isn't that strange. Even making sure we had phones with us just in case! getting home from a day out and not staying out late. We could have changed very easily and yet these habits are so very hard to break.
I think this is what is so hard. Why life is now empty. We haven't got all of that to think about and a huge void is proving hard to fill. Will we ever be able to get into another routine. Oh my goodness routine!!! do we need one? How did Mike get so much out of his life i ask myself.

I don't know what we will do this week end. I hope it stays dry so we can re felt the garden shed. Maybe a trip down the driving range! We will see.

Today i feel positive, but tomorrow is another day!.........

Day 75/76

I missed blogging yesterday so will try to cover two days!!

Yesterday started with rain. A trip to Newmarket for a meeting. In many ways i felt i had woken after three months and discovered that the world around me had continued and left in its wake a multitude of work to catch up on. The meeting was a method of returning. I felt able to contribute to it and felt comfortable and able to concentrate. However i was overwhelmed by this sudden rush of tiredness mid afternoon.
It was if i had had an energy surge in the morning resulting in complete burn out.

The journey home had me thinking about the weeks ahead and i had that old feeling of wanting to succeed. This didn't stop me almost falling asleep at the wheel of the car.

Arriving home i was to tired to talk to Tim even though i knew he wanted to chat about my day. I just grabbed a cup of tea and found myself wanting to sleep. I got on my bike for short ride. I was absolutely stunned by the change in the weather. It was freezing. I also discovered that my lights were not working!!!
Home again and swift walk to Jonis to take her some money for Linda!!

Home again and suggested we go for a walk later.

Off for a walk and the frost was present on the cars. Now who said we were in for a long winter!!
The crows are seldom wrong!! All year you can tell how the seasons will be by watching the birds behavior.

It was so cold we bought a bag of chips and ate them whilst we walked. We were able to chat.

We continually talk about going away and still cant decide. This has been a problem of ours for years. Mike really despaired of us with our uncertainties!! It was talking about Mike that gave me the push to act!!!


I haven't been able to sleep since Mikey died. There i have said it. I don't believe it but its said. I cant say it out loud though. Isn't it strange that its been three months today. Its remembrance day. I hate Thursdays.
I go to work and its pouring of rain, miserable weather, the frost has gone!!!

On the phone and i have booked a long weekend in Devon! Log cabin all mod cons. A treat. Not like me to be so impulsive. Who cares we cant take our money with us can we. What do we work for if not to have some pleasure. Whats the saying, we work to live, not live to work!!
The morning at work was stressful to say the least. This was lifted somewhat by my boss who helped ease some of the tension of the day.

Lunchtime i went home to see Tim. Tim had cooked a fab meal, just right for this weather. I told him about the holiday, he seemed pleased.

Returning to work and more problems well that's why i am there i suppose. I feel confident we can adjust to the changes that we have to make next year. My work day ended on a positive note. Work has kept my mind of Mikey and getting upset.

Physio on my back tonight and I'm feeling fine!! Suggested i start power walking but only short distances and gradually build up. That's something to look forward to.

Camera should be here soon yay!!!

Spoke to Tom today and he seemed positive in his tone. He has had a few issues to deal with but his house should soon be in his name only. What a lot he has gone through and he is all alone in Doncaster.
I asked him if he would like a new phone or laptop for Xmas. We really do not feel like celebrating and we have decided that's all we are doing this year. If its purchased nor before everyone gets in the festive spirit we think it will be easier for us. Who wants to shop with all the happy excited children rushing around the centre. It will remind us so much of what we have lost.
We do not feel complete now, i expect that feeling will never leave us. I thought about Mikey tonight . That flash of wanting to tell him something, realising i couldn't do that but at the same time denying that he is not with us.
I want to forget the events leading up to his death. Shut it out and imagine all is well. I think i understand how Tim feels i little now. In his mind Mikey is sleeping and we want see him for a while. Its as if we will blink and our time will be here to join Mikey.

Its scary in many ways how, when you are older time seems to go so much more quickly. It doesn't seem 5 minutes since the boys were at school. Look whats happened. Where has the time gone.

My hand is really playing up and i wonder if it is the weather, the Dr at the hospital said at the time that it may be more painful and stiff in the winter. Can you believe how stupid it was to trip on a plastic strip ending up with so many fractures in one hand and having a plate inserted. Age related? who knows. I am a little concerned about walking out in the winter!!!

We had a lovely letter today from Papworth Hospital thanking us for the donation for the CF unit. Tim's putting the letter in Mikey's box. Its like a treasure box all the cards from friends and relatives etc, the memory book and various items of Mikes. I will when i am ready put all the bits in the book i have, but not yet!

At last we have small things to look forward to, holiday, meal and dance in December. Cant remember the last time i went dancing. Hope i don't trip up and break something else!!

Something else new. Cash machine lol. Had to get Joni to help me use it!! See Mike we really are trying new things!! Minor maybe but big to me. Tom was chuckling about my behaviour today. Well who wants a boring Mother? I have never been that!

Well to bed. Soon be morning, and we can hope for better things after all tomorrow is another day!...........

Day 74

Just when you think things are on the up, wham life hits you with yet another problem.

Domestic life, no. Work yes. I just seem to be battling at the moment. I am probably one of lifes copers and work well under pressure. Maybe that is a result of having to multi task when caring for a child with CF and leading up to adulthood. But hey now i no longer have that worry or constant concern in the back of my mind my whole brain has or is slowly shutting down.

I normally am able to reason and analyse situations, at this time in my life i find my patience is wearing very thin and if it wasn't for some really good people around me i would go quietly mad. As Freddie Mercury once sang in a Queen song  I'm only knitting on one needle now!!!

But enough of that!!! i found a lucky stone today, some may think, well reading the above not so lucky!!But ever hopeful i tucked it in my bag thinking of the times when i was younger and the hours my sisters and i spent looking for one.

And lo and behold i have been lucky today and all thanks to my fab sister.

I was devastated not to be able to have Mikes camera. The one item that was really giving him a purpose in the last few weeks of his life. Not that Mikey thought that, he was so hopeful of the transplant. He was so chuffed with it and enjoyed, when he was able to using it and posting his pics on facebook for all to see.

Linda has found me one and joy of joys what a bargain. We have been talking about him tonight and how if the same opportunity came his way he would have snatched my sisters hand off for it. In some ways i wish he had had the chance. God bless her, and I'm not a believer.

I have ended today on a positive note with something else to look forward to using the same equipment and hopefully obtaining similar results.

Been on line today and sourced a holiday that Tim thinks we should book, so I'm doing that. Found a breed of dog we both agree on!!

Able to sort Tom out and offer a solution to his Internet problem!!!

Computer has stopped playing up!!! Just been offered a new Apple mac lap top free!!!!!!! xxxxx a i want to do something nice to you gift!

Mikey it just seems that you are looking over me, i get so much comfort from that. Thank you. Love ya xxx Miss ya xxxxx

Its pouring of rain but who cares!!!! its been a good end to my day. However Tomorrow is another day.........

Day 73

For some reason this morning i just couldn't cope. I arrived at work and just sobbed. How odd. I thought i was managing well. No reason, no trigger for this. I think that's what has bemused me. Why now?

I am blessed with very understanding work colleagues who made me a coffee and told me just to talk about how i was at this very moment and what i was feeling. How refreshing to be able to off load with no judgements.

I managed to work to a fashion and lunch time came before i knew it. Home to Tim who had cooked lunch and he asked what sort of day i had had. I couldn't share my day as i had no snippets of information to add to our conversation. I had however booked some leave so we now need to think about where to go.

It may be the Tim of year. Its so dismal now, the morning was cold and windy progressing to very dark afternoons. It was dark to day at 4 pm.

The leaves laying in wet slippery piles, leaves adhered to windscreens unable to go for a walk tonight. I don't mind the cold its when its raining hard that makes walking so miserable.

Tims been looking in the Sporting Gun magazine for puppies. I think he would like a Lurcher but i would like another Wire Haired Pointer. I loved our Duke he was the kindest of dogs and he adored the boys!
We discussed preparing for a puppy. Where shall we put a run etc and also getting one built before we go puppy hunting. I really think this will be the making of us both.

Ive booked my Dr's appointments so that will be another step to getting fit and well. Physio this Thursday, last one. Then get ready in earnest for the running after Xmas.

I must start to sort out the cupboards in Mikeys room but still don't feel up to it. I wonder if the longer i leave it the harder it will be. I have found his green duck with all his studs in. I know there are photos of him somewhere with him and the duck. I will try to find it.

We miss him so dreadfully.

Tim was talking about holidays next year and suggested we have a week away at a time instead of two. I think that will be better. I still have to sort out passports!! I wonder if we will ever use them!

Time hasn't healed us i wonder if it will? Lots of questions today.

Tims sister rang to see how Tim was today. Always on a Monday and never when i am here. I can live with that. Sad though.

I have just got in from work!! did a night visit, Tim tucked up in bed, i still cant sleep. I may try the Brandy!! Must be desperate. Do i take it when i am laying down! or shall i risk it before going to bed. I will think about that. Ah well Tomorrow is another day!!!

Oh dear this one has no duck in the photo

Day 71/72

Missed yesterday as we didn't get home until 2 am not a good time to write. I will try to make up for it today.

Yesterday we planned to go out for the evening to my brother in law Dudleys 65th birthday. Spent the morning trying to find Tim a sweater and we went shopping!!! something we never do on a Saturday because Tim hates crowds. That was the start of our day, it was quite funny because we found it very easy to park and walk around the shops.
How different this weekend was compared to last!! A week just flew past.
Job done sweater found plus new dress for me!. Not to wear to the party though. Knitted and warm for the winter. Just hope my stomach doesn't resemble a money pouch when i put it on though!!!

Route planner done and printed plus the Tom tom should ensure we got to the venue ok. Wrong wrong wrong. Oh my goodness Tim was almost at the stage of returning home.
We managed to get to Peterborough ok!! and coming off junction 32 was the problem. Tim came off at 31 so all the following instructions were of no use at all. It was dark and there was big fireworks party being held. Also foggy in places. In desperation stopped at a service station to ask for directions!! How very fortunate that there were two police officers buying coffee. Bless their hearts having told me where to go, and we were really close, my expression must have demonstrated complete oblivion because they wrote them down for me step by step!!

Did i say it was a Chinese meal? no and i didn't tell Tim either or he wouldn't have gone.
Neither of us have been to Chinese together before so it was quite an experience. Another one!!! Mike we are trying!!!

I also forgot Tims specs so he couldn't see the menu. Luckily a niece and nephew and their partners quickly took Tim under their wings, discussed the menu and the types of dishes and ordered for him. He also had a few drinks which was really good!! I was driving home so if he was a bit sleepy all so well and good!! NO complaints if i get lost.

I hate driving in the dark so i would follow my niece, and sister Linda would follow me. I wonder why? lol
I still managed to get lost. Tim was awake oops.

A few words were said and i carried on regardless. Headlights on my little car were as much use as two candles! it was foggy i lost all sense of direction. Tim asked if i read the signs!! What signs i was merely following red tail lights, but were they the right ones!!
We reached home and followed by Linda, who also followed me despite knowing i had gone wrong. They had tried to phone me but i had put my bag in the boot!! oh well.

Linda and Dave left just before 3am hence no blog.
Mike you would have been shaking your head as usual by my complete lack of directional skills. I can just see you and Dad discussing it as if i wasn't in the room with you. But hey why change, its what makes me me!!

Today the sun was shining, we had heavy rain overnight and we decided to go for a walk. We really struggle with the week ends but yesterday went past and we coped well. The first time, maybe because we had something to do.
Anyway camera attached to bag we headed off. The leaves are falling and the ground awash with the, huge piles laying sodden not flying around like yesterday. The trees are becoming skeletal in appearance now. The leaves being stripped by the wind and rain. Old birds nests now exposed and clearly showing how high they were built early in the year. Holly trees are absolutely laden with berries. I am quite concerned at the volume of berries on the trees. Its November and its a long time to Spring!!
The council are putting up the Christmas decorations and the Nativity scene has been placed up on Collingwoods roof. We don't feel like celebrating this year and we are seeing all the preparation going on and we have no enthusiasm at all.
Toms coming home for Christmas. I wonder what he will expect from us. What should we do for him. We don't want him to return home feeling more depressed but just cant think of what to do. We have already said we wont have our meals where we have done in the past and will probably eat in the kitchen. I wonder if that will be ok. Oh well plenty of time to think about that.

Today i have been looking at the clouds so have taken some photos of them. They all tell stories don't you think, today a dragon was running across the sky, closely followed by an overweight duck. Is it my imagination or do we all see pictures in the clouds. Mum used to and i suppose that is something she passed on to me and i in turn shared this with the boys.

Grand Prix today its the penultimate race of the season. I cant believe that Jensen Button almost got car napped last night. Nothing should surprise us. I wonder what Mikey would have thought of that. He would have been on the phone to his dad first thing this morning. Tom didn't phone, i hope all is well. I know he starts back to work tomorrow but not sure of his shift pattern.

The days are getting shorted so if we want to go anywhere we need to decide early in the day so next week we plan to go to Holkham and walk along the beach. Just hope we don't get caught by the tide.
It talks of heavy rain and wind this week. Mikey struggled with the wind, it took his breath away.

We have survived another week end and it was easier this time. I have also booked tickets to go to a dance on the 14th December!! and Tim's fine about it. Another night out. Well Mikey you should be proud of us, i hope so. If you can see us now and know that we love you and know that we are trying to honour your wishes for us i trust you can see all attempts are being made. You said we could grieve for a little while, its just so much harder in reality though. But, Tomorrow is another day.................

Day 70

I appear to have made another mistake today!!

Friends are aware that alcohol and me do not see eye to eye. Oops!! Whilst shopping today i purchased what i thought was a bottle of mint chocolate and cream, it was only when Tim and I sat down to watch a film together tonight and having poured myself a glass did i realise it was, well all i can say is very strong alcohol based liquid. Lovely!!!!! till now and i can see two keyboards. Thank goodness I'm alone because goodness only knows what i would be like in company. Probably the entertainment of the night.

Well to go back to the start of the day. Phone call early to say our new kitchen windows were going to be fitted. That put the mockers on a day out!!
Still lovely man came early and we went off to Lynn for the afternoon shopping. I bought a new dress for tomorrow as we are going to my brother in laws 65th birthday. Tim not really aware its a Chinese meal we are going to. Otherwise he wouldn't go. Well he did say we should do more!!

i cant express how warm the bungalow feels now. Its as if I'm cocooned in a snug blanket there is such a feeling of comfort. I'm sure its because Mikey is with us.

A week ago tomorrow was that hateful day and i have had time to reflect on the events. I am at peace with myself, and although it would have been lovely to sit in Mikey's room surrounded my his belongings, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

I have whats most important. Whilst i do not have Mike in body i do feel that he is here with us in spirit.

I have my moments during the day but am more in control of them. My tears are shed late at night usually whilst writing. I would recommend doing a blog. Anyone who is in distress or despair should try it. It enables such freedom of thought and allows you to analyse all manner of questions, actions and thought.

The grand prix is on tomorrow and Mike loved it he would critically analyse the race and commentators. Tim misses that. Tom usually calls though. All three of them had that in common.

Joni has applied for the Olympic tickets, opening ceremony. We have booked to see Sally Morgan in February. I am going to try and book me and Tim a break away!! had to cancel next week as i have to attend a meeting!! oh well not to worry.

I went for a walk tonight in the rain amid fireworks going off all around. The sky was ablaze with colour. The scent of smoke and rain spurring me on. Tim remained at home in the warm and dry!!

I wonder how we will be tomorrow. It will be the first time we have been in the company of all my family since the funeral i hope we can remain sane and not spoil a celebratory evening. I will let you know!

                                                       
                                                               Mike me and Tom

                                                                         
                                                                        

Day68/69

Thank you everyone who sent messages etc to see if we were OK because i missed yesterday. Its surprising the number of people reading this blog but not a follower. I really appreciated your thoughts and kindness.

Yesterday i was so tired. The last twelve weeks have been a horrendous journey and this whole grieving process one of confusion, anger,disbelief and so so incredibly painful. I just hadn't got the energy to sit and write.

It has been 12 weeks today and Thursdays are my nemesis.

I left early this morning to go to Oxford and the events of the day certainly kept my mind occupied, that and the company of three very very cheerful ladies i was travelling with. The fact that we got lost on the way added to the drama!! It was late by the time i arrived home still tired!!

Tim's been busy and rearranged the lounge and has also placed Mikey in a special place in the lounge too. It feels right and our house seems like home again its lost that empty feeling.

Whilst the weekend was difficult, i feel comfortable in the knowledge that we have Mike here.

Tom phoned today and his dad told him what transpired and he was very upset. Tom feels that he cannot understand the reasons for us to be denied our feelings and our place in Mikes life.

I do think that we cannot go back and on Monday made a huge effort to move forward with this process. I am not naive enough to think everything will be fine. The road is long and hard that out of hell leads to light, and so i travel. This phase of the journey will be fraught with trials and hardships but i will overcome. I have to otherwise living will have no joy. Mike bought us so much of that. I must remember!!

I'm off tomorrow and hope to go and take some Autumnal photographs the trees and hedgerows are stunning. They will play large part in the book!!!

I'm feeling fit so the exercise will begin in earnest again, managed 3 miles Monday and Tuesday.

Well im off to bed and am sure about one thing, tomorrow is another day....................

Day 67

My goodness. What a maelstrom of emotions.

I felt really good last night and for most of today. I felt positive. I had been able to look at Mikeys photographs today without crying. Instead it was as if i have distanced myself from feeling anything at all.

Tim was quiet today until this evening. I have become a different person since Mikey died. Only in the way i now don't care!! I always was one for avoiding conflict. Would agree even if i didn't. I could never cope with an argument. If i was not happy about Tim i would usually head for the bedroom and have a conversation with my reflection in the mirror saying all the things i wanted to to Tim but never did. It was easier that way.

Now if i don't agree i say. Oops that has now resulted in us not agreeing with anything. I guess it comes as a  bit of a shock to the system. Maybe this is a good time to introduce change. On the other hand maybe not.

To say we have a huge void in our lives is an under statement and trying to fill it almost impossible. Both trying our best but in doing so we are growing father apart. Maybe its still early. 12 weeks on Thursday. Still such a short space of time.

We perhaps also realise how important children are no matter the age, and how they unite the family. They are the essence of what family means.

I can no longer be everything to everyone. I can no longer absorb all problems and resolve them. In trying our best we often fail and never quite understand why. Should we always analyse ourselves and others. Too much time is wasted in doing so.
We just have to be!! i am just me, this is who i am. I am comfortable with who i am at the moment. I think this is a result of the tragic loss of Mikey.

i am now walking again and planning for the marathon!!

Got tickets to see Sally Morgan in February. Her tickets sell out so quickly.

Going out on Saturday and Tims coming hope he enjoys it. Well he will have a change of company!!!

I'm off to Oxford on Thursday and having Friday off, just hope that isn't an error!!

I'm so tired and still cant sleep may be sleep deprivation, who knows. Ive cleaned out cupboards and moved furniture around tonight . Ah well. Tomorrow is another day...................

day 66

Today I've decided to recall how we reached the period of Mikes death and how to grieve. In order to do this i think i have to go back to our beginning. That's Tim and i. I hope that by revising our past i will be able to cope with the future. In doing so hope that i will be able to get our relationship back on track.
When you lose someone so special in your life it doesn't just affect one person. The ripple spreads, just like when you throw a stone in a pond. The water returns once again to being a still expanse of water. That's what we need peace.

Love. That's what all of this is about!

Can you remember the first time you met the person who you think this is the one!! Its happened to us all. Our life changes, for some it is the happy dream others it can become a nightmare. For us i suppose it was the first!!

We were 17 when we met, gosh that's so long ago and here we are 39years later and still together, we are hanging on by a very fragile thread.
We met at the status fair in town spent the rest of the night together, he walked me home and i thought that was that. A nice evening though.
It was several weeks later that he drove past as i was walking home one evening. Tim stopped asked me out for a drink and we have spent the rest of our lives together.
I was just about to go To Luton to do my nurse training. I ended up going and spent the time there with Tims photo stuck in my uniform pocket during the day and crying to it every night. Well i was only young!! I also moved away from home and that was a huge change for me.

                                                   
                             Me in my room school of nursing Luton and Dunstable ( me on left)

Tim aged 17years!! wasn't he handsome.

       I only stayed there for 6 months because we missed each other so i came home and completed my training at our local hospital.

We were like any young couple and spent as much time together as we could. We enjoyed ourselves.

 The boys found it hard to believe that we were one of the few parents that were still in the same relationship.

  Tim used to play football most Saturdays and we would go to his house for tea afterwards. His mum used to have it all ready for when the match finished. Tim would often bring flowers home because the manager grew flowers as a hobby and would sell them cheap to the players.

I'm enjoying this its making me happy remembering the good times. Its been so sad in this house. I'm going to bed thinking yep if i can get some of this joy back we will make it.

We went out for a walk tonight and managed 2 miles. That's also making me feel good and i have a running partner yay!!!

Well I'm going to close and try to add a bit more tomorrow about us because the labels are CF mike and us. That includes Tom!!

I'm feeling positive. And tomorrow really is another day......................