Its 13 years today since i lost my brother Gordon. Can it have been that long. I can still remember it as if it was only yesterday. The boys loved their uncle and he them, we spent so many happy weekends together, our two boys and Gordon and Frans two girls. Everything has changed and moved on now.
I went to Eastwood today and spent time with Mum and Dad. Linda had been the day before and taken some lovely yellow mums. They looked grand against the black marble headstone. I wonder what they would have thought of our troubles. I thought maybe i would venture over to the small plots where the cremated remains of loved ones are resting. Our two plots are there, but i decided against it. It was cold today and the wind raw across the garden areas. Lonely to. I have been at Eastwood when there has been just me and a gentleman in a mac. He has often wandered in my direction. Not being a brave soul i quickly mounted my bike, watering can swinging from the handle bars peddling like fury. Well there are some strange folk about!!! He wasn't there today.
On the way home i wanted to cry and the effort not to was immense, i kept telling myself to pull myself together. I can do that now, i can switch my mind from memories. to suit, well most of the time. Is this a way of coping, i think so.
Grand Prix the last of the season, i couldn't bring myself to watch knowing Mikey wasn't here to see it. Daft i know but that's the way of it today. Tim watched as did Tom. I decided to sort my wardrobes out. Tims been saying i should for ages.
I'm a hoarder, squirreling memories away for years. I uncovered some surprises today. 30 pairs of jeans!! impossible. I can never find a pair to fit!! Well i decided to discard the size 8's no chance of ever getting in them again. The 10's and 12's i kept. Some of every colour and length. My word its ridiculous really.
T shirts jumpers, shorts etc etc thrown away. 5 bin bags of clothes taken to the Salvation Army clothes bank!! I still have 2 wardrobes to sort out!! That will take another 2 weeks I'm sure.
Mikes England football shirt, Toms first Quicksilver piece of clothing he bought. Mikes jeans with the bottoms frayed that he gave me when they were too small for him!! I looked good in those. I can remember weighing 9st 2 lbs and had been going to weight watchers then just before his wedding. Ah how things changed.
Mikes first teething ring appeared with Toms first leather jacket. The photo of the boys at Joys wedding and Tom wearing it sits on the small bedside table looking at me.
Tim doesn't understand the value i place on possessions, nor did Mikey, but Tom ah well he is like me. Tom has kept every card that Mike has ever sent to him. Its Toms birthday next weekend. Tom said don't forget to send me a card, it will be the only one i get this year. Mike never ever forgot.
Harry Potter is released on Friday, Mike would have been looking forward to that. How i wish he could have seen the final episode. I expect all of at some time will want to see or do one thing more. There will always be that one thing, our lifetime will never be long enough.
I'm in Mikes room looking at his rucksack I still haven't taken his clothes out that was given to us from Claire, no that's not right that her Dad gave to us reluctantly. Don't go there Sue not again!
Its almost Monday again and back to work. Walking routine restarts tomorrow. i think in may have had withdrawal symptoms!! all i want to do these days is sleep. That's not right surely. Could be sleep deprivation! This wretched had is all pins and needles as well. Drat, drat and double drat.
Ah well, Tomorrow is another day...............
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