Well its getting harder the closer we get to the week end. Odd that a holiday has become in many ways hard to face instead of something to look forward to. Mikey would be so angry that we or I haven't let go yet.
I know now that Mikey had given a lot of thought to what we would do after his death, there i have said it. Is that a first. I think it is. Still not any easier putting it on paper though. I just wish i could honour his wishes. I expect if he can see us now he would be thinking, get a grip mother. It no longer matters to me. That's as it may be but in reality things just don't go according to plan.
Toms here!!! but hes stopping at a friends tonight they are off to Alton Towers tomorrow. I hope he has a really good time! Then the men are golfing on Thursday and Tom is going home on Friday! i hope he can squeeze me in for a while. Still I'm running on Thursday. Oh lord i hope i don't shame myself!! A couple of puffs on the inhaler i think before we set off. We did the route again tonight but it was so hot!!! i run better in the cold! even though i cant stand being cold its perhaps because I'm in a hurry to get warm and have a cup of tea!!!
Had to go back to work tonight to mend a chair, its taken other people two weeks to do it and yet all it needed was a couple of batteries in the box at the back. Men!!!! i do wonder sometimes. Then the phones, staff complaining they are not working and wanting new ones! even i could work out tonight someone had been messing about and all it needed was the bases to be re programmed, by me of all people. The most technophobic person going!!
So no photos and my new CD,s which arrived today i haven't even listened to!
I am now going to watch Panorama on i player. Interesting i understand all work related stuff. Ah well tomorrow is another day.....................
Tuesday 31 May 2011
Monday 30 May 2011
Days 270/271/272/273
Well its 4 days of blogging today!!! i am getting prepared for being off line for two weeks after Friday.
It has been a tough few days. Tim has not been well again! He was woken with a really bad head, he said it was like the time he had a brain hemorrhage! To say i panicked is a minor understatement! Out came the BP machine and to my surprise it was very low!! He didn't want to see a Dr of course!! Tim has already said he does not want to go to hospital again! He doesn't want treatment either. I suppose this could be called an advanced directive!. In my book if he cant say anything he goes!!!!
I cant begin to imagine what my life would be without him as well. I have spent the last few nights with a book so i can hear him if he is unwell. Two nights running he has been having bad dreams and has been calling out in his sleep. Of course he cant recall any of this in the mornings!
Tonight i feel i can sit here with the door closed and hammer away on the key board fairly confident all will be well! At least tonight I'm not just passing time on facebook.
Tim insists i just carry on and he is fine! So i went running last night and amazed my self that i completed the course for Thursday! ran all the way. Ankle is still very painful when standing or sitting but OK when i run. How odd is that.
We have been for some long walks and have chatted as we walk. Both of us looking forward to getting away from it all.
Work has been tough and this week i expect no different! Perhaps I'm getting old!
I saw sister Joy over the week end. Lovely to see her and we hope to go to Norwich soon to see our cousin. We will arrange it on my return.
Mikey is very much in both our thoughts constantly and we have both said we feel that at any time we can bring him home, call him or have him on line. It doesn't go away. It hasn't changed for us this burning desire to turn back time. Wouldn't it be grand if we could.
Its been almost 10 months and seems like yesterday. Tonight we said that he will always be 25 to us and when asked i still say we have two sons.
Toms coming home tomorrow and hes staying till Friday. I do wish he could find someone else for company. We are certainly coming to terms with our mortality. Tim said that he is pleased that Mikey is here with us and not down Eastwood alone. Tim also wondered what would become of us when we are no longer here.. I said i expect we will all be with Mikey and if Tom never meets anyone ever again, i hope he will be with us too. A family together again. Still you just don't know what the future holds.
Diet continues to go well although yet again i haven't lost a bean! must be doing something wrong. Tims pleased that i have stuck with it and has also said i must carry on whilst away! Tim also said i should get up early and go for a run each day!! Don't think that will happen though!
Having a bank holiday today means that we have short working week so i am going to be hard pushed to get everything sorted for our holidays. Looks like i will be multi tasking.
I have burnt a candle every day since i started this blog i wonder how i will manage when i am away. I think i will ask Diana if she will light one for me. I'm sure she will if she isn't away but i have a feeling we are away together. Ah well i am sure i can work something out.
I have been using a Gaimin hoop and that's so hard!!! but does give a good work out.
Well I'm going to check on Tim and then get ready for bed.
Running tomorrow so i have high hopes of keeping up with some of the more seasoned runners, older ones of course!
Must get my camera unloaded and put on computer and i will share them on here too. That's for later, ah well to bed and tomorrow is another day.......................
It has been a tough few days. Tim has not been well again! He was woken with a really bad head, he said it was like the time he had a brain hemorrhage! To say i panicked is a minor understatement! Out came the BP machine and to my surprise it was very low!! He didn't want to see a Dr of course!! Tim has already said he does not want to go to hospital again! He doesn't want treatment either. I suppose this could be called an advanced directive!. In my book if he cant say anything he goes!!!!
I cant begin to imagine what my life would be without him as well. I have spent the last few nights with a book so i can hear him if he is unwell. Two nights running he has been having bad dreams and has been calling out in his sleep. Of course he cant recall any of this in the mornings!
Tonight i feel i can sit here with the door closed and hammer away on the key board fairly confident all will be well! At least tonight I'm not just passing time on facebook.
Tim insists i just carry on and he is fine! So i went running last night and amazed my self that i completed the course for Thursday! ran all the way. Ankle is still very painful when standing or sitting but OK when i run. How odd is that.
We have been for some long walks and have chatted as we walk. Both of us looking forward to getting away from it all.
Work has been tough and this week i expect no different! Perhaps I'm getting old!
I saw sister Joy over the week end. Lovely to see her and we hope to go to Norwich soon to see our cousin. We will arrange it on my return.
Mikey is very much in both our thoughts constantly and we have both said we feel that at any time we can bring him home, call him or have him on line. It doesn't go away. It hasn't changed for us this burning desire to turn back time. Wouldn't it be grand if we could.
Its been almost 10 months and seems like yesterday. Tonight we said that he will always be 25 to us and when asked i still say we have two sons.
Toms coming home tomorrow and hes staying till Friday. I do wish he could find someone else for company. We are certainly coming to terms with our mortality. Tim said that he is pleased that Mikey is here with us and not down Eastwood alone. Tim also wondered what would become of us when we are no longer here.. I said i expect we will all be with Mikey and if Tom never meets anyone ever again, i hope he will be with us too. A family together again. Still you just don't know what the future holds.
Diet continues to go well although yet again i haven't lost a bean! must be doing something wrong. Tims pleased that i have stuck with it and has also said i must carry on whilst away! Tim also said i should get up early and go for a run each day!! Don't think that will happen though!
Having a bank holiday today means that we have short working week so i am going to be hard pushed to get everything sorted for our holidays. Looks like i will be multi tasking.
I have burnt a candle every day since i started this blog i wonder how i will manage when i am away. I think i will ask Diana if she will light one for me. I'm sure she will if she isn't away but i have a feeling we are away together. Ah well i am sure i can work something out.
I have been using a Gaimin hoop and that's so hard!!! but does give a good work out.
Well I'm going to check on Tim and then get ready for bed.
Running tomorrow so i have high hopes of keeping up with some of the more seasoned runners, older ones of course!
Must get my camera unloaded and put on computer and i will share them on here too. That's for later, ah well to bed and tomorrow is another day.......................
Thursday 26 May 2011
Day 268/269
Another two days!! Is it because i don't have the need to blog as often? no in a word its just that I'm so busy that i am on this roller coaster. Time for me is becoming hard to find.
Strange but i know I'm running but i have not been swimming for two weeks! Its almost an effort to have any time with Tim.
Still as my friend said, 'holidays are coming'
Work continues to throw challenges at me and the goal posts are moving constantly. Just by circumstances really. Nothing else.
The ankle is still problematic but easier. It hasn't been too bad tonight after the run so i think keeping it moving is the answer.
First run in the rain tonight. We got the blame for that because we have stopped wearing our light weight jackets. To be honest its because we are working so hard!
Our usual route was open tonight and we made good time and managed to get twenty minutes of running in in a lot less distance. Tonight we think we ran too fast, maybe because it was cold and wet. On top of that i had an asthma attack! i think that was because of the dry weather and then the rain on the foliage caused the problem!
Lesson learned, don't run in areas like that at this time of the year. Its back on the road for us.
The race next week is on that route though so we had hoped to get the practice in, even if just to show we are not doing to badly. We will have to wait and see.
I was going back to work tonight but i had second thoughts and phoned instead and asked the staff to come and see me during my working hours. Sometimes i think i try to help them to much and it only gets me behind. So i have made a decision! no more.
How odd that again this time of the year we are having problems with the ash clouds! same time last year. Mikey was staying with us whilst Claire was on holiday. Mikey said she needed it because she had had a bad year! On her return she decided that she wanted to separate!
It was downhill all the way for Mikey then. He was admitted to hospital and he told us two days before we went away. We are having the same two weeks so next week that will be a year.
Mikey then spent most of the next few months in hospital until we lost him. How very sad.
Memories are for me quite hard at the moment and i think i am angry. Not that they separated, it happens in relationships but i suppose it was the timing especially as they both knew he was so ill. Ah well its in the past. Next year may not be so hard. Its all the firsts that's the most painful, knowing now that we are heading towards August.
Enough of that for now! must keep moving forwards, and after all tomorrow is another day.
Strange but i know I'm running but i have not been swimming for two weeks! Its almost an effort to have any time with Tim.
Still as my friend said, 'holidays are coming'
Work continues to throw challenges at me and the goal posts are moving constantly. Just by circumstances really. Nothing else.
The ankle is still problematic but easier. It hasn't been too bad tonight after the run so i think keeping it moving is the answer.
First run in the rain tonight. We got the blame for that because we have stopped wearing our light weight jackets. To be honest its because we are working so hard!
Our usual route was open tonight and we made good time and managed to get twenty minutes of running in in a lot less distance. Tonight we think we ran too fast, maybe because it was cold and wet. On top of that i had an asthma attack! i think that was because of the dry weather and then the rain on the foliage caused the problem!
Lesson learned, don't run in areas like that at this time of the year. Its back on the road for us.
The race next week is on that route though so we had hoped to get the practice in, even if just to show we are not doing to badly. We will have to wait and see.
I was going back to work tonight but i had second thoughts and phoned instead and asked the staff to come and see me during my working hours. Sometimes i think i try to help them to much and it only gets me behind. So i have made a decision! no more.
How odd that again this time of the year we are having problems with the ash clouds! same time last year. Mikey was staying with us whilst Claire was on holiday. Mikey said she needed it because she had had a bad year! On her return she decided that she wanted to separate!
It was downhill all the way for Mikey then. He was admitted to hospital and he told us two days before we went away. We are having the same two weeks so next week that will be a year.
Mikey then spent most of the next few months in hospital until we lost him. How very sad.
Memories are for me quite hard at the moment and i think i am angry. Not that they separated, it happens in relationships but i suppose it was the timing especially as they both knew he was so ill. Ah well its in the past. Next year may not be so hard. Its all the firsts that's the most painful, knowing now that we are heading towards August.
Enough of that for now! must keep moving forwards, and after all tomorrow is another day.
Tuesday 24 May 2011
Day 266/267
Well yet again missed yesterday! I had to do night visit and didn't get home very early.
The ankle was misery Sunday and Monday and i was really getting worried that i would be unable to run on Tuesday. Plenty of ice packs etc and walking better by Monday evening. I found keeping moving was better. So we went for a walk Monday evening and then watched a film! Yep another one.
Today the ankle was much better and by this evening i felt reasonably OK.
We set off only to find our usual route had been sealed of due to an incident! all taped off. We thought OK we will just keep going. My word we did. Out on the public highway and we ran for 3 miles!!
Although we did walk up the hill! over the railway bridge. Still all in all a good effort and i even missed the gate to the club house!!!
Once we had had our cup of tea the ankle had ceased, i made it outside without limping! One of the runners fell whilst out and had cut his head, grazed his knee and cut his fingers! a warning to be careful on the paths.
We are looking forward to Thursday if i can get the ankle OK by then, again! Just got to keep going.
A proper run next week! i hope we do OK just to finish would be good! Ah well a few more outings before then.
Continue with the diet and am doing OK with that. Tim's surprised I'm sticking to it!!
Oh i saw Tims sister tonight, and as expected i was blanked. What a shame but I'm not losing any sleep over it.
Tomorrow i wont be able to come home for lunch! managers meeting. Thursday should be able to catch up! Friday off to a hospice to do assessment and I'm taking a student nurse with me. I hope she finds it useful. So i am now going to watch the Girl who kicked the hornets nest! with an ice pack for company.
Toms home next week and i wonder what he will think about my race! ha its strange to be doing all this now at my age. I hope only to think that Mikey would be quietly proud of me. I'm not sure what he would be saying. Still it keeps me going and has given me a new interest and an opportunity to meet some really nice people.
So to bed with my film! Tomorrow is another day.................
The ankle was misery Sunday and Monday and i was really getting worried that i would be unable to run on Tuesday. Plenty of ice packs etc and walking better by Monday evening. I found keeping moving was better. So we went for a walk Monday evening and then watched a film! Yep another one.
Today the ankle was much better and by this evening i felt reasonably OK.
We set off only to find our usual route had been sealed of due to an incident! all taped off. We thought OK we will just keep going. My word we did. Out on the public highway and we ran for 3 miles!!
Although we did walk up the hill! over the railway bridge. Still all in all a good effort and i even missed the gate to the club house!!!
Once we had had our cup of tea the ankle had ceased, i made it outside without limping! One of the runners fell whilst out and had cut his head, grazed his knee and cut his fingers! a warning to be careful on the paths.
We are looking forward to Thursday if i can get the ankle OK by then, again! Just got to keep going.
A proper run next week! i hope we do OK just to finish would be good! Ah well a few more outings before then.
Continue with the diet and am doing OK with that. Tim's surprised I'm sticking to it!!
Oh i saw Tims sister tonight, and as expected i was blanked. What a shame but I'm not losing any sleep over it.
Tomorrow i wont be able to come home for lunch! managers meeting. Thursday should be able to catch up! Friday off to a hospice to do assessment and I'm taking a student nurse with me. I hope she finds it useful. So i am now going to watch the Girl who kicked the hornets nest! with an ice pack for company.
Toms home next week and i wonder what he will think about my race! ha its strange to be doing all this now at my age. I hope only to think that Mikey would be quietly proud of me. I'm not sure what he would be saying. Still it keeps me going and has given me a new interest and an opportunity to meet some really nice people.
So to bed with my film! Tomorrow is another day.................
Sunday 22 May 2011
Day 264/265
Busy week end. Managed to get our plants in the garden. The area outside Mikeys room looks fab. Still no rain!
Yesterday we achieved so much and then went for a 2 hour walk. Problem was i wore the wrong shoes! and could really feel that i had strained the ankle again. Hoped all would be well for the run on Sunday.
Weight watchers continues to go well and i am managing to keep to my points. I don't think i will have lost weight this week but still feel really positive. I am going to stick with it.
Early night as i had to get up!!
Managed to get up early and was feeling good. The sun was out and it was a great time to run.
Today we really made good time and ran for further than we had done before.I felt that i still had more to give. That is until i sat in the car, got out at home and wow! i couldn't put weight on my foot. So its been ice packs and anti inflammatory tabs all day in the hope it will be OK for Tuesday. What ever happens I'm not going to take time off now! We are making great strides forward.
Sues hips had been painful and she wasn't sure if she would make today so between us we are having a few issues. Better now though.
We have a run on 3rd of June a 3k so we want to be able to do that. Then a 5k in July and 10k in October we also think we may go and try half marathon in Dec but that's in Spain!!! One problem, i don't have a passport. Oops.
So Mikey your poor old Mum continues to try! and I'm not giving up and no complaints of pain. I'm just working through it.
I now realise the struggle you had and how incredibly strong and brave you were. Yep brave even though you always said you wasn't. It was about choice, that's what you said. How you live your life.
We are trying Mikey, we just haven't got the hang of it yet but we are giving it our best shot.
It will soon be the beginning of another week, time is passing by. That's all its doing at the moment. I expect it will do so for some considerable time to come. Maybe that's what we have to come to terms with.
So i better try and rest this foot ready for Tuesday in the meantime tomorrow is another day................
Yesterday we achieved so much and then went for a 2 hour walk. Problem was i wore the wrong shoes! and could really feel that i had strained the ankle again. Hoped all would be well for the run on Sunday.
Weight watchers continues to go well and i am managing to keep to my points. I don't think i will have lost weight this week but still feel really positive. I am going to stick with it.
Early night as i had to get up!!
Managed to get up early and was feeling good. The sun was out and it was a great time to run.
Today we really made good time and ran for further than we had done before.I felt that i still had more to give. That is until i sat in the car, got out at home and wow! i couldn't put weight on my foot. So its been ice packs and anti inflammatory tabs all day in the hope it will be OK for Tuesday. What ever happens I'm not going to take time off now! We are making great strides forward.
Sues hips had been painful and she wasn't sure if she would make today so between us we are having a few issues. Better now though.
We have a run on 3rd of June a 3k so we want to be able to do that. Then a 5k in July and 10k in October we also think we may go and try half marathon in Dec but that's in Spain!!! One problem, i don't have a passport. Oops.
So Mikey your poor old Mum continues to try! and I'm not giving up and no complaints of pain. I'm just working through it.
I now realise the struggle you had and how incredibly strong and brave you were. Yep brave even though you always said you wasn't. It was about choice, that's what you said. How you live your life.
We are trying Mikey, we just haven't got the hang of it yet but we are giving it our best shot.
It will soon be the beginning of another week, time is passing by. That's all its doing at the moment. I expect it will do so for some considerable time to come. Maybe that's what we have to come to terms with.
So i better try and rest this foot ready for Tuesday in the meantime tomorrow is another day................
Friday 20 May 2011
Day 262/263
Well what can i say. I was so tired after my run yesterday that i fell into bed early! Yes i know how unusual. The run went well although i ache all over. My legs are the worse!! Hope that will improve.
So yesterday just went by without too much of a problem.
Today i had a half day!! and it was lovely! Tim and i spent a bit of time that wasn't rushed.
We went shopping and yes i had to buy something. Some lovely white linen trousers and a pair of purple 3/4 trousers for my holidays and.... books. I have stocked up so that's me sorted!!
I have my Gaiam hoop thanks to Sharon so i will be trying to squeeze in a bit more exercise! I really should be fit as a butchers dog!!
Went to Bay Tree and bought a load of plants to put in the garden. Tim said Mikeys piece wants brightening up. So in the morning lots of plants to go in.
Tonight we went for a good walk by the river and then got film to watch.
Neither of us thought it was that good, very slow.
Been late night shopping at Tesco and have just done some virtual gardening!
I am really trying to keep busy otherwise i will be haunted by memories of last year and i really want to keep those at bay.
So for tonight I'm going to heat my wheat bag get a cup of green tea and have a read before sleep, lovely day but tomorrow is another day.................
So yesterday just went by without too much of a problem.
Today i had a half day!! and it was lovely! Tim and i spent a bit of time that wasn't rushed.
We went shopping and yes i had to buy something. Some lovely white linen trousers and a pair of purple 3/4 trousers for my holidays and.... books. I have stocked up so that's me sorted!!
I have my Gaiam hoop thanks to Sharon so i will be trying to squeeze in a bit more exercise! I really should be fit as a butchers dog!!
Went to Bay Tree and bought a load of plants to put in the garden. Tim said Mikeys piece wants brightening up. So in the morning lots of plants to go in.
Tonight we went for a good walk by the river and then got film to watch.
Neither of us thought it was that good, very slow.
Been late night shopping at Tesco and have just done some virtual gardening!
I am really trying to keep busy otherwise i will be haunted by memories of last year and i really want to keep those at bay.
So for tonight I'm going to heat my wheat bag get a cup of green tea and have a read before sleep, lovely day but tomorrow is another day.................
Wednesday 18 May 2011
Day 261
9months, where has the time gone. Hard to believe Mikey has been gone that long. The blog has sure helped i do know that. I would recommend anyone doing one if they have lost a loved one. I cant look back though and i thought i would. Maybe in time or maybe i will just keep going on this road. Its often hard. I remember Mikeys favourite quote about the road out of hell is long and hard.......... i guess i am still at the start of my journey.
Today was good for me in a way. Dr really pleased with my blood results. It would appear the exercise and weight loss are paying dividends. So i will keep up with both!!! I was told i was looking the best i have been for a long time. Maybe that cream is working! mind you i ache all over.
I have just watched the Black Swan. I couldn't really make much of it! and to think my choice of careers was ballet dancer or Nurse. Glad i chose the latter!! i would have been the Sugar Plump Fairy!!! definitely do not have the body for it! I didn't grow tall enough! that's my excuse.
Tim seems cheerful and has been gardening.
I went out of the door this morning to find a baby bird sitting on a rung of our car port!! took some snaps will try to put them on tomorrow. How he ended perched on there is any ones guess, he was tweeting for his mum no doubt.
Bought the final film in a trilogy i have been watching The girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest so maybe i will indulge myself again with a film this week.
I have a half day on Friday, time owing so hopefully we will get out somewhere.
Heard from my sisters today which was good. After Tom phoned last night i felt better, especially hearing him sound so positive. Toms coming down for a few days before we go on holiday and has said he will perhaps get a game of golf in with his Dad. I expect we will play when we are away. I wonder if i will be better now i have had my eyes done. Just a thought.
Right to bed then, i can hear it calling. Another good read before sleep i hope and then
Tomorrow, its another day........................
Today was good for me in a way. Dr really pleased with my blood results. It would appear the exercise and weight loss are paying dividends. So i will keep up with both!!! I was told i was looking the best i have been for a long time. Maybe that cream is working! mind you i ache all over.
I have just watched the Black Swan. I couldn't really make much of it! and to think my choice of careers was ballet dancer or Nurse. Glad i chose the latter!! i would have been the Sugar Plump Fairy!!! definitely do not have the body for it! I didn't grow tall enough! that's my excuse.
Tim seems cheerful and has been gardening.
I went out of the door this morning to find a baby bird sitting on a rung of our car port!! took some snaps will try to put them on tomorrow. How he ended perched on there is any ones guess, he was tweeting for his mum no doubt.
Bought the final film in a trilogy i have been watching The girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest so maybe i will indulge myself again with a film this week.
I have a half day on Friday, time owing so hopefully we will get out somewhere.
Heard from my sisters today which was good. After Tom phoned last night i felt better, especially hearing him sound so positive. Toms coming down for a few days before we go on holiday and has said he will perhaps get a game of golf in with his Dad. I expect we will play when we are away. I wonder if i will be better now i have had my eyes done. Just a thought.
Right to bed then, i can hear it calling. Another good read before sleep i hope and then
Tomorrow, its another day........................
Tuesday 17 May 2011
DAY 260
Not such a good day today! still haven't been hitting the herbal tea like yesterday. That's the reason i have been a bit teed off then!
Work would be great if it wasn't for the people!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrr why make a tough job harder, well i am glad i cant read every ones mind otherwise i will be walking around in huge voids!
Not to worry. Tim made me a fab lunch so I'm going to track when i finished here tonight, can you believe i forgot last night!
Running tonight and we really are improving!!! certainly running more than walking now. That's good because we have a few runs coming up. June the 2nd July and then a 10k in October!!! yipes and then we have to get a half marathon in as well! lord will be be fit and ready!! we will see.
My magical wonder cream arrived to day well i did wonder if i should try it on half my face, then thought better of it because if it works i could look as if i have Bells palsy! so i will try an all over go!!
Mikey would be shaking his head rolling his eyes at his dad and they would both just say, why don't you accept yourself as you are! Its a women's thing, well that's my excuse.
Best get some sleep, I'm running Thursday and again Sunday we are going to up our game! just pray i keep injury free.
On that note to bed. Its been short tonight but i plan to sit here longer next time, that's the plan but we all know that things dont go according to plan but tomorrow is another day..........
Work would be great if it wasn't for the people!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrr why make a tough job harder, well i am glad i cant read every ones mind otherwise i will be walking around in huge voids!
Not to worry. Tim made me a fab lunch so I'm going to track when i finished here tonight, can you believe i forgot last night!
Running tonight and we really are improving!!! certainly running more than walking now. That's good because we have a few runs coming up. June the 2nd July and then a 10k in October!!! yipes and then we have to get a half marathon in as well! lord will be be fit and ready!! we will see.
My magical wonder cream arrived to day well i did wonder if i should try it on half my face, then thought better of it because if it works i could look as if i have Bells palsy! so i will try an all over go!!
Mikey would be shaking his head rolling his eyes at his dad and they would both just say, why don't you accept yourself as you are! Its a women's thing, well that's my excuse.
Best get some sleep, I'm running Thursday and again Sunday we are going to up our game! just pray i keep injury free.
On that note to bed. Its been short tonight but i plan to sit here longer next time, that's the plan but we all know that things dont go according to plan but tomorrow is another day..........
Monday 16 May 2011
Day 259
I feel good!!!! i think it must be the green tea and chamomile!! i have been drinking buckets of the stuff today.
I got up early this morning and went off to work.
I had a good day, i told the staff i work with that i was feeling rather grumpy after yesterday and they left me to it. I got so much done and actually enjoyed the day. Can you believe that, and i was concentrating on health and safety. That's a first, yes another one.
I got off at 5.30pm, wonders of wonders. Tim was cheerful and we went of to do some shopping.
Got some T. shirts for my holidays.
More green tea!!!
Did some work at home and it was a joy!! feel well pleased with myself. Tim didn't mind a bit. I think we are off to the coast on Friday afternoon.
So i am sitting here high as a kite!!! full of beans and sadly its 1am in the morning and i feel as though i could run the marathon right now!
We was looking at some of our ornaments, the elephant that Tom bought back and Tim mistakenly said Mikey. That's the first time i have heard him say his name without the conversation being about him. It was good to hear a slip.
Tuesdays and Thursdays still remain painful for us so i am pleased i run on those days. I wonder how i will do tomorrow!!! i must have more green tea!! i did feel rather calm today!!!
For some reason i feel Mikey is close, how odd that i haven't felt like this before. Its a peaceful acceptance that he somewhere very close. Maybe he has done what he needed to do and has now come calling. Its about time!!!
Mikey was so sad this time last year, he knew that time was short unless he got his transplant, he spent so much time alone with his thoughts, a bleak place to be. Yet, today i can almost see his smiling face and hear that incredible laugh of his. Is it time to heal i wonder. For today at least but, tomorrow is another day............
HAPPY DAYS..................
I got up early this morning and went off to work.
I had a good day, i told the staff i work with that i was feeling rather grumpy after yesterday and they left me to it. I got so much done and actually enjoyed the day. Can you believe that, and i was concentrating on health and safety. That's a first, yes another one.
I got off at 5.30pm, wonders of wonders. Tim was cheerful and we went of to do some shopping.
Got some T. shirts for my holidays.
More green tea!!!
Did some work at home and it was a joy!! feel well pleased with myself. Tim didn't mind a bit. I think we are off to the coast on Friday afternoon.
So i am sitting here high as a kite!!! full of beans and sadly its 1am in the morning and i feel as though i could run the marathon right now!
We was looking at some of our ornaments, the elephant that Tom bought back and Tim mistakenly said Mikey. That's the first time i have heard him say his name without the conversation being about him. It was good to hear a slip.
Tuesdays and Thursdays still remain painful for us so i am pleased i run on those days. I wonder how i will do tomorrow!!! i must have more green tea!! i did feel rather calm today!!!
For some reason i feel Mikey is close, how odd that i haven't felt like this before. Its a peaceful acceptance that he somewhere very close. Maybe he has done what he needed to do and has now come calling. Its about time!!!
Mikey was so sad this time last year, he knew that time was short unless he got his transplant, he spent so much time alone with his thoughts, a bleak place to be. Yet, today i can almost see his smiling face and hear that incredible laugh of his. Is it time to heal i wonder. For today at least but, tomorrow is another day............
HAPPY DAYS..................
Sunday 15 May 2011
Day 258
No i haven't missed a day i just got yesterdays wrong!!! Mind you that may well have been an omen. It should have been yesterday again, had to have been better than today.
Well i never got up early! instead i surfaced at 11am another first!! needless to say things went downhill from then on.
On a positive note i have lost 2lb on weight watchers this week, well done me!
It would appear that i still keep getting things wrong, i either say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing!! Maybe i should hole up for a while and see what happens.
If i off load now I'm not going to sleep. How odd that it used to help, now it just makes me mad!! So if i write i may regret it later, or maybe not!
Why is it?, here i go, cant stick to a thing can i? that we both said we should do more and when i do, i should be spending more time at home. Unless i do things when everyone is asleep it cant be done. I'm not making much sense but i know what I'm trying to say. Here sits a mad woman, not angry just mentally unbalanced tonight!!!!
OK i have tried to clear out my cupboards in a desperate attempt to clear my mind. That hasn't worked and now i have lost a shoe!! I'm not going to look for its mate i expect i have thrust it to the back of the cupboard. I have emptied handbags! now that is worrying. Blast it i can smell i have burnt another wheat bag!!! Shoot!
I have cancelled swimming tomorrow, what we will do instead I'm not sure, i expect i will just sit and fall asleep! well we shall see.
I was intending to put some more pictures on tonight but i cant be bothered. In fact i cant be bothered with very much at the moment. Maybe we both just need a holiday. Its only three more weeks, i wonder if i can lose another half stone. Oh yes i got a star today on weight watchers, a small reward for doing something right!
That makes a change, things can only get better, cant they?
Ah well tomorrow is another day.....................
Well i never got up early! instead i surfaced at 11am another first!! needless to say things went downhill from then on.
On a positive note i have lost 2lb on weight watchers this week, well done me!
It would appear that i still keep getting things wrong, i either say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing!! Maybe i should hole up for a while and see what happens.
If i off load now I'm not going to sleep. How odd that it used to help, now it just makes me mad!! So if i write i may regret it later, or maybe not!
Why is it?, here i go, cant stick to a thing can i? that we both said we should do more and when i do, i should be spending more time at home. Unless i do things when everyone is asleep it cant be done. I'm not making much sense but i know what I'm trying to say. Here sits a mad woman, not angry just mentally unbalanced tonight!!!!
OK i have tried to clear out my cupboards in a desperate attempt to clear my mind. That hasn't worked and now i have lost a shoe!! I'm not going to look for its mate i expect i have thrust it to the back of the cupboard. I have emptied handbags! now that is worrying. Blast it i can smell i have burnt another wheat bag!!! Shoot!
I have cancelled swimming tomorrow, what we will do instead I'm not sure, i expect i will just sit and fall asleep! well we shall see.
I was intending to put some more pictures on tonight but i cant be bothered. In fact i cant be bothered with very much at the moment. Maybe we both just need a holiday. Its only three more weeks, i wonder if i can lose another half stone. Oh yes i got a star today on weight watchers, a small reward for doing something right!
That makes a change, things can only get better, cant they?
Ah well tomorrow is another day.....................
Saturday 14 May 2011
Day 256
I'm here!!! cant believe i made it. I am trying!!!
Amazingly i was up early this morning! must be the green tea instead of the coffee. I am also reading a really good book and maybe that's helping to get me off to sleep. Who knows and it may not happen again for a while. If i get up early tomorrow i will go for a run! We shall have to wait and see.
Had a really chilling day today and even managed to get a bit of beauty therapy in. OK it was diy but cant remember the last time i spent actual time on my body! Things must be getting better.
I looked through my wardrobes, always a mistake. They are heaving with clothes and yet i couldn't find anything to wear. Have i thrown the one item i really wanted to put on or is it in one of the boxes labelled, cant get in try next year!!! I have several of those.
I almost bought another motorbike today!!! i was so tempted and thought yay why not. It was a beautiful ZX400 just like my old one. I rang up and it had just been sold. Not sure if that was a good omen because now i think about it, would i have the time to ride it? and oh my gosh i really cant get in my leathers. Perhaps i should give them a bit of an oil because i expect they have dried out in storage.
I didnt get a cycle ride in today, well only to town and yep i couldn't help it a few new tops for my holidays!!
When i got home Tim decided we should go for a walk, he wasn't interested in the football. Tim seems to have lost interest in lots of sport lately i think its because Mikey is not here to talk about it. They usually had some good debates. I have been watching the Indian cricket this year and have to say i have become rather hooked. We used to sit and watch the matches in Papworth with Mikey. Sad to think this time last year he was home although waiting for Claire to come back from her holiday. I must not dwell on that!
So we went for a walk!!!! for 3 hours! It was into the bushes for both of us. A nature call!!!! good gracious i cant remember when that last happened either. Even Tims legs ached when we got home.
My candle that Mikey bought me some time ago
Not sure what went wrong!!! but gave us a laugh for
a few nights
I love this pic, very proud of myself
Is this the smallest lock up???? still in existence
A hidden village tucked away.
On that note I'm off to bed, Tomorrow is another day...............
Amazingly i was up early this morning! must be the green tea instead of the coffee. I am also reading a really good book and maybe that's helping to get me off to sleep. Who knows and it may not happen again for a while. If i get up early tomorrow i will go for a run! We shall have to wait and see.
Had a really chilling day today and even managed to get a bit of beauty therapy in. OK it was diy but cant remember the last time i spent actual time on my body! Things must be getting better.
I looked through my wardrobes, always a mistake. They are heaving with clothes and yet i couldn't find anything to wear. Have i thrown the one item i really wanted to put on or is it in one of the boxes labelled, cant get in try next year!!! I have several of those.
I almost bought another motorbike today!!! i was so tempted and thought yay why not. It was a beautiful ZX400 just like my old one. I rang up and it had just been sold. Not sure if that was a good omen because now i think about it, would i have the time to ride it? and oh my gosh i really cant get in my leathers. Perhaps i should give them a bit of an oil because i expect they have dried out in storage.
I didnt get a cycle ride in today, well only to town and yep i couldn't help it a few new tops for my holidays!!
When i got home Tim decided we should go for a walk, he wasn't interested in the football. Tim seems to have lost interest in lots of sport lately i think its because Mikey is not here to talk about it. They usually had some good debates. I have been watching the Indian cricket this year and have to say i have become rather hooked. We used to sit and watch the matches in Papworth with Mikey. Sad to think this time last year he was home although waiting for Claire to come back from her holiday. I must not dwell on that!
So we went for a walk!!!! for 3 hours! It was into the bushes for both of us. A nature call!!!! good gracious i cant remember when that last happened either. Even Tims legs ached when we got home.
a few nights
On that note I'm off to bed, Tomorrow is another day...............
Friday 13 May 2011
Day 255/256
There you go! another two days worth to blog.
Last night i would have gone back to work, but i didn't have anything else to give! I know that i would have been side tracked and then doing something different to my work!! So i fell into bed, but it was still late.
I haven't started the day off though. Oops!
Lovely day weather wise again but the work day was frantic! Everyone wanting a piece of me until i ended up just being a husk. Completely drained.
At least i had my run to look forward to. I was late home, bolted my tea and was off. We did really well and continue to improve. The club was heaving, it was juniors as well and there seems to be an increase in the number of youngsters wanting to run. Excellent.
The club members continue to be supportive and we are still the newbies!!!
Mind you i was really worn out when i got home. Poor Tim he spends most of his time on his own!!!
Today 13th. Well i over laid this morning, i think Tim got fed up calling me. When i eventually surfaced i found Tim sitting outside enjoying the early morning sun!! He should have been a June baby!! I'm looking really rough and he looks like he has been on holiday!!!
Oh i sent for some of this miracle cream!! i fall for it every time in the hope it will miraculously make me look younger. I don't know why i bother!! Well if it comes in time i will use it on holiday and come back looking like a 20 year old!!! OK so i am dreaming, but why not!!!
There is a waiting list of 7,000 so I'm not alone!!!
Diana came to see me today. That was the highlight of my very stressful day!! i love that girl. Sadly she is going through a rough time as well work wise and i really cant understand why anyone wants to make a hard job any more difficult. Still when you are working with people, we really shouldn't be surprised. If i could i would go and tell the person myself, but that would only make it worse for her. So I'm thinking of her and will be all next week until she reassures me all is well!!! Rat bags that's all i can say!!!
On a positive note the weight is dropping of her! she is doing so well. Its an inspiration to me to continue with weight watchers! I'm sticking to points and tracking every day but it does seem so slow! well i do hope i can stick with it. Sunday is the day of reckoning so we shall see. Its another cycle ride for me tomorrow whilst Tim is watching the football me thinks!!
We managed to have ride out tonight to Bedford. Nice places on the way, so i do hope Tom gets the transfer!!! it didn't take long really to get there and back so much closer than Doncaster.
I am now off to bed and try to forget about work over the week end. Famous last words, still tomorrow is another day...... Love you Mikey miss you xxxx
Last night i would have gone back to work, but i didn't have anything else to give! I know that i would have been side tracked and then doing something different to my work!! So i fell into bed, but it was still late.
I haven't started the day off though. Oops!
Lovely day weather wise again but the work day was frantic! Everyone wanting a piece of me until i ended up just being a husk. Completely drained.
At least i had my run to look forward to. I was late home, bolted my tea and was off. We did really well and continue to improve. The club was heaving, it was juniors as well and there seems to be an increase in the number of youngsters wanting to run. Excellent.
The club members continue to be supportive and we are still the newbies!!!
Mind you i was really worn out when i got home. Poor Tim he spends most of his time on his own!!!
Today 13th. Well i over laid this morning, i think Tim got fed up calling me. When i eventually surfaced i found Tim sitting outside enjoying the early morning sun!! He should have been a June baby!! I'm looking really rough and he looks like he has been on holiday!!!
Oh i sent for some of this miracle cream!! i fall for it every time in the hope it will miraculously make me look younger. I don't know why i bother!! Well if it comes in time i will use it on holiday and come back looking like a 20 year old!!! OK so i am dreaming, but why not!!!
There is a waiting list of 7,000 so I'm not alone!!!
Diana came to see me today. That was the highlight of my very stressful day!! i love that girl. Sadly she is going through a rough time as well work wise and i really cant understand why anyone wants to make a hard job any more difficult. Still when you are working with people, we really shouldn't be surprised. If i could i would go and tell the person myself, but that would only make it worse for her. So I'm thinking of her and will be all next week until she reassures me all is well!!! Rat bags that's all i can say!!!
On a positive note the weight is dropping of her! she is doing so well. Its an inspiration to me to continue with weight watchers! I'm sticking to points and tracking every day but it does seem so slow! well i do hope i can stick with it. Sunday is the day of reckoning so we shall see. Its another cycle ride for me tomorrow whilst Tim is watching the football me thinks!!
We managed to have ride out tonight to Bedford. Nice places on the way, so i do hope Tom gets the transfer!!! it didn't take long really to get there and back so much closer than Doncaster.
I am now off to bed and try to forget about work over the week end. Famous last words, still tomorrow is another day...... Love you Mikey miss you xxxx
Wednesday 11 May 2011
Day 252/253/254
Three days can you believe it!
Work has taken over my life this week, and its wearing very thin at home! Not surprising really. Tim and i are becoming strangers!
Having almost poked Tims eye out whilst messing about things were a tad tricky! could i help it, no it was a pure accident but i was rather worried. All seems fine now.
I received a letter in the post from the British Athletic club with my running licence! Does that make me a licenced athlete i asked myself. Well of course not but it made me feel good for a minute.
Joni has hurt her back, pulled all the ligaments and walking is very hard for her at the moment so we didn't swim on Monday. Instead cycled right to the other end of town and back! I even went over the tesco bridge over the railway line! Who says there are no hills in the fens. It was lovely coming down the other side though. A bit of free wheeling was good for the soul, bought back memories of my youth!
I then went back into work to try and catch up. Doesn't really help.
Running on Tuesday was really good and at last it feels as though we are improving somewhat. More running than walking now. We seem to have just moved on. Going a different route helped. Although running beside the prison may has given us that added incentive.
Back to work again until 2am. I just cant get through he work load. The cuts made to my admin hours have had a profound effect and I'm not sure how long i can manage this pace. I'm not as young as i used to be. The thought of a holiday is very welcoming.
Today all best laid plans went awry.Sadly people what to talk, then other emergencies occurred. They of course take priority and as a result of the situations today i ended up returning after only being home for an hour and have just got home. Its half past midnight!!
I seem to be managing the diet much better today and am pleased that at least one thing seems to be going well.
Tim is really supportive and cooking me lovely tasty meals, all withing my scope of points! Lots of fresh fruit as well.
I am looking forward to running tomorrow at least it gives me something to look forward to and is great for relieving stress. I just cant cope with another late night working.
All the things which are important personally are being pushed to the back. Where a few months ago this was a good thing for me, it kept my mind busy and thoughts away from sad times. Now however i feel resentful of not having the time for my thoughts. I keep saying things need to change but they never do.
I'm like a mouse on a treadmill with no hope to get off for a rest!
Can things get worse, its Friday the 13th this week, oh my goodness, perhaps i should stay at home!!
I can feel another shopping trip coming on! i need to be positive, so i will try! at least tomorrow is another day........
Work has taken over my life this week, and its wearing very thin at home! Not surprising really. Tim and i are becoming strangers!
Having almost poked Tims eye out whilst messing about things were a tad tricky! could i help it, no it was a pure accident but i was rather worried. All seems fine now.
I received a letter in the post from the British Athletic club with my running licence! Does that make me a licenced athlete i asked myself. Well of course not but it made me feel good for a minute.
Joni has hurt her back, pulled all the ligaments and walking is very hard for her at the moment so we didn't swim on Monday. Instead cycled right to the other end of town and back! I even went over the tesco bridge over the railway line! Who says there are no hills in the fens. It was lovely coming down the other side though. A bit of free wheeling was good for the soul, bought back memories of my youth!
I then went back into work to try and catch up. Doesn't really help.
Running on Tuesday was really good and at last it feels as though we are improving somewhat. More running than walking now. We seem to have just moved on. Going a different route helped. Although running beside the prison may has given us that added incentive.
Back to work again until 2am. I just cant get through he work load. The cuts made to my admin hours have had a profound effect and I'm not sure how long i can manage this pace. I'm not as young as i used to be. The thought of a holiday is very welcoming.
Today all best laid plans went awry.Sadly people what to talk, then other emergencies occurred. They of course take priority and as a result of the situations today i ended up returning after only being home for an hour and have just got home. Its half past midnight!!
I seem to be managing the diet much better today and am pleased that at least one thing seems to be going well.
Tim is really supportive and cooking me lovely tasty meals, all withing my scope of points! Lots of fresh fruit as well.
I am looking forward to running tomorrow at least it gives me something to look forward to and is great for relieving stress. I just cant cope with another late night working.
All the things which are important personally are being pushed to the back. Where a few months ago this was a good thing for me, it kept my mind busy and thoughts away from sad times. Now however i feel resentful of not having the time for my thoughts. I keep saying things need to change but they never do.
I'm like a mouse on a treadmill with no hope to get off for a rest!
Can things get worse, its Friday the 13th this week, oh my goodness, perhaps i should stay at home!!
I can feel another shopping trip coming on! i need to be positive, so i will try! at least tomorrow is another day........
Sunday 8 May 2011
Day 250/251
Here we are and the week end has just about finished. Its another two day blog!! really must get my act together. The weather remains fair! beautiful May , soon be my holidays and then no blogging for two weeks! will have to keep a diary and post it all on my return, still that's not for another 4 weeks yet!
After i blogged on Friday the theme of fire stating continued! i heated up my wheat bag, OK so i like a bit of warmth! and set that alight in the microwave! so the smell of burning was pretty bad in the bungalow. Another mistake, i just seem fated to do things wrong!! Ah well.
Saturday morning and the sun was out again, still a bit frosty inside though! a bit of retail shopping was the order of the day. Lots of it!!!!!
I cycled loads on Saturday and walked miles! but it was worth it because i weighed myself today and have lost 3 pounds this week! yippee i was about to give up on the wretched diet. Still if this keeps up it should make the running a bit easier, less weight to carry round and all that! We live in hope!
Tim kept up the quiet treatment for most of the day! well there is a surprise. I suppose he thought if he says nothing he cant be wrong. Men i really don't understand them. I'm sure they come from a totally different planet. Perhaps they feel the same about us women, who's to say? i certainly will not be asking the question though.
Today again the sun was out and the temperature in doors considerably warmer! A day in the garden reading, followed by a really good afternoon walk by the river and over the cricket, thank goodness they had stopped for tea, other wise a period of listening to the ball hitting wood and watching the match would have followed.
Running, Tim said he would take me out, oh my lord i can well imagine his comments! Tim used to be very sporty in his youth and ran for the county. What would he think of my efforts!. So i got on the treadmill for a bit of practice. That was enough for Tim to say i wasn't ready but he would take me out in the car to see where i would eventually be taken. Lord, it is in the back of beyond, no way is he leaving me there until i can sprint!!! and that's a long way off.
I got the bike out when i got home and had a quick spin around the block!! losing the 3 pounds has motivated me today but we will see how the rest of the week goes!!
I'm going to try and put some pics on of the past few weeks not sure how they will come out but here goes
Tom and Tim checking the car before going
home after his Thailand holiday
Our Blackbirds chicks have hatched only one survived
Tim in Cromer on Mikeys birthday
Even the ducks take a stroll along the Prom at
Hunstanton on Mikeys birthday
Tim in thought at Sherringham on Mikeys birthday
Chew bacca at the Norfolk show, i remember Tom
going out on New years eve dressed like this, his friends
bought him home in a sorry state! put him to bed and
gave me the head in a plastic bag!! it took three days to
clean and had to be hung under the car port!!
Have you ever seen feet this size on a chicken before!!
That's enough for now i will but some more on later, perhaps tomorrow because it is another day...............
After i blogged on Friday the theme of fire stating continued! i heated up my wheat bag, OK so i like a bit of warmth! and set that alight in the microwave! so the smell of burning was pretty bad in the bungalow. Another mistake, i just seem fated to do things wrong!! Ah well.
Saturday morning and the sun was out again, still a bit frosty inside though! a bit of retail shopping was the order of the day. Lots of it!!!!!
I cycled loads on Saturday and walked miles! but it was worth it because i weighed myself today and have lost 3 pounds this week! yippee i was about to give up on the wretched diet. Still if this keeps up it should make the running a bit easier, less weight to carry round and all that! We live in hope!
Tim kept up the quiet treatment for most of the day! well there is a surprise. I suppose he thought if he says nothing he cant be wrong. Men i really don't understand them. I'm sure they come from a totally different planet. Perhaps they feel the same about us women, who's to say? i certainly will not be asking the question though.
Today again the sun was out and the temperature in doors considerably warmer! A day in the garden reading, followed by a really good afternoon walk by the river and over the cricket, thank goodness they had stopped for tea, other wise a period of listening to the ball hitting wood and watching the match would have followed.
Running, Tim said he would take me out, oh my lord i can well imagine his comments! Tim used to be very sporty in his youth and ran for the county. What would he think of my efforts!. So i got on the treadmill for a bit of practice. That was enough for Tim to say i wasn't ready but he would take me out in the car to see where i would eventually be taken. Lord, it is in the back of beyond, no way is he leaving me there until i can sprint!!! and that's a long way off.
I got the bike out when i got home and had a quick spin around the block!! losing the 3 pounds has motivated me today but we will see how the rest of the week goes!!
I'm going to try and put some pics on of the past few weeks not sure how they will come out but here goes
home after his Thailand holiday
Hunstanton on Mikeys birthday
going out on New years eve dressed like this, his friends
bought him home in a sorry state! put him to bed and
gave me the head in a plastic bag!! it took three days to
clean and had to be hung under the car port!!
That's enough for now i will but some more on later, perhaps tomorrow because it is another day...............
Friday 6 May 2011
Day 249
6th May 2011..... Mikeys birthday.
It seems strange that 26 years ago Mikey came into the world. We had such dreams and no thought of the devastation to come.
So today Mikey you are not here and it seems so very odd. We have tried to celebrate your life today. We visited all the places along the coast that we took you and Tom as children. Indeed to Sherringham, the last place we bought you shortly before you died. It was just after your birthday last year.
How life for us has changed in those short 9 months. These thoughts should not be for today though, they can be later when we will mourn your passing.
We always had such good weather on your birthdays, parties in the garden or at the pool. Such laughter and happiness, good times. Today the sun has been out and it has been glorious.
You will be pleased that people have not forgotten you Mikey so many kind thoughts and messages in remembrance of your birthday.
Do i need to write how i have felt today, i wonder. Yesterday was miserable but today, a day of mixed emotions. Thoughtful and pensive, sad and angry, happy and blessed. Keeping busy is always a good thing!
Tom rang today and that was so thoughtful. I know he realises how much we miss you and we are so very glad to still have Tom. What would we have done if you had been our only child i wonder.
The news tonight was about little Maddie Mcgan, how dreadful for her parents not knowing what has happened to their child, i can only imagine their grief. We at least know about ours. In that way we do have that peace.
Thank goodness we keep a candle burning for you Mikey because i tried to send a lantern for you and almost set next doors dog a light with it. It didn't fill with enough air before i let it go, (it was getting hot) and it scuttled across the garden landing in the fence next to their dog pen!! I managed to get hold of it, and by now it was on fire! i prodded it with the gas lighter! oops that was another mistake so ended up treading on it to put out the flames!! that's the soles of my shoes gone!. Dad was not amused as you can well imagine and went into the house leaving me to fire fight!!! asking why i couldn't have done it earlier. Well he was watching Predator one of you favourite films!! i ask you, no patience!! The dog who usually barks as soon as we turn our door key was silent. I wonder if he is in shock? um. Ah well i suppose we will find out if he starts barking again. So far hes still quiet!
I remain as useless as ever!
I am not going to say too much tonight Mikey but thank you for sharing Maddie with us, i understand why you loved her so much. Her sense of humour is second to none! i so enjoy her posts, they do make me smile, and her kindness and thoughtfulness Mikey even though she is busy she remembers us. She is as you said, special.
Though losing you i have made other friends of yours and feel that part of our CF lives continue.
I have stepped up a gear with my running, although Dad still doesn't think I'm doing enough!, he wants to take me out on a quiet road, drop me off and drive up the road for half a mile and make me run, then do the same again! Can you imagine it, me running after him and him never letting me get back in the car!! yep i can imagine that happening. So i will avoid that situation for as long as possible!!!!
So your birthday has been and now gone and i am still sitting her as usual, nothing has changed!
Ah well tomorrow is another day.....................
It seems strange that 26 years ago Mikey came into the world. We had such dreams and no thought of the devastation to come.
So today Mikey you are not here and it seems so very odd. We have tried to celebrate your life today. We visited all the places along the coast that we took you and Tom as children. Indeed to Sherringham, the last place we bought you shortly before you died. It was just after your birthday last year.
How life for us has changed in those short 9 months. These thoughts should not be for today though, they can be later when we will mourn your passing.
We always had such good weather on your birthdays, parties in the garden or at the pool. Such laughter and happiness, good times. Today the sun has been out and it has been glorious.
You will be pleased that people have not forgotten you Mikey so many kind thoughts and messages in remembrance of your birthday.
Do i need to write how i have felt today, i wonder. Yesterday was miserable but today, a day of mixed emotions. Thoughtful and pensive, sad and angry, happy and blessed. Keeping busy is always a good thing!
Tom rang today and that was so thoughtful. I know he realises how much we miss you and we are so very glad to still have Tom. What would we have done if you had been our only child i wonder.
The news tonight was about little Maddie Mcgan, how dreadful for her parents not knowing what has happened to their child, i can only imagine their grief. We at least know about ours. In that way we do have that peace.
Thank goodness we keep a candle burning for you Mikey because i tried to send a lantern for you and almost set next doors dog a light with it. It didn't fill with enough air before i let it go, (it was getting hot) and it scuttled across the garden landing in the fence next to their dog pen!! I managed to get hold of it, and by now it was on fire! i prodded it with the gas lighter! oops that was another mistake so ended up treading on it to put out the flames!! that's the soles of my shoes gone!. Dad was not amused as you can well imagine and went into the house leaving me to fire fight!!! asking why i couldn't have done it earlier. Well he was watching Predator one of you favourite films!! i ask you, no patience!! The dog who usually barks as soon as we turn our door key was silent. I wonder if he is in shock? um. Ah well i suppose we will find out if he starts barking again. So far hes still quiet!
I remain as useless as ever!
I am not going to say too much tonight Mikey but thank you for sharing Maddie with us, i understand why you loved her so much. Her sense of humour is second to none! i so enjoy her posts, they do make me smile, and her kindness and thoughtfulness Mikey even though she is busy she remembers us. She is as you said, special.
Though losing you i have made other friends of yours and feel that part of our CF lives continue.
I have stepped up a gear with my running, although Dad still doesn't think I'm doing enough!, he wants to take me out on a quiet road, drop me off and drive up the road for half a mile and make me run, then do the same again! Can you imagine it, me running after him and him never letting me get back in the car!! yep i can imagine that happening. So i will avoid that situation for as long as possible!!!!
So your birthday has been and now gone and i am still sitting her as usual, nothing has changed!
Ah well tomorrow is another day.....................
Wednesday 4 May 2011
Day 247/248
Its happened again! Two days before i blog. I miss sitting here quietly and just pouring out my thoughts each day. It is certainly a way off off loading and yes to cope with tomorrows.
Its sad i suppose that this is the way i get things sorted out in my mind. There is no pressure in how i word the blog. I don't have to think about what i want to say i just do!
Over the past few hundred days i have bared my soul, i wondered when i started if i would be able to go back on my earlier writings to see far i have come along the grieving process road. I don't feel ready to do that. How odd i thought it would bring relief. Not yet i guess.
I seem to just be putting useless pointless things here these days. Is that because its getting easier. I'm not sure.
This week has been really hard for me. I could and do just weep.
I found myself doing that this morning, whilst talking to a relative who's mother had just died. There i was giving them information, sharing a joke with them, trying to smile and trying to help, yet, i found myself having to leave the room. Looking at their mother lying in her bed, listening to them talking about how her breathing had changed, how they were holding their breaths with hers, reminded me of my bad day.
Its Mikeys birthday on Friday and yes i will blog with great sorrow. I know that now. I am crying as i write.
Yesterday i was so poorly at work. I have never felt like it before. I really thought i was going to pass out. I could feel myself just shaking and about to leave work. Just hand in my keys and walk away. Thank goodness for my wonderful colleagues who knew i was struggling. Maybe a panic attack, i don't know. Why now i asked myself. Tom had come home. I felt such sadness that both my boys were not here with us.
Misery has found me. This time she used stelth! i didn't feel her coming, she enveloped me in her wings of blackness and engulfed me. I had no way of escape and i succumbed to her embrace.
I survived! and here i am tired, yesterday even though i still ran last night. Not well but at least I'm still going.
Tomorrow again and now i have a stop watch! and we may change our route once we know how long it takes to do our distances. We will see.
So i am going to try to have a few minutes with Roger tonight, it may help!!
I will put some photos on tomorrow!!! i just haven't felt like it, in fact i will load them up now ready to post tomorrow night! that's positive.
I have some lanterns to let off Friday night but that's for then, tomorrow is another day...........
Its sad i suppose that this is the way i get things sorted out in my mind. There is no pressure in how i word the blog. I don't have to think about what i want to say i just do!
Over the past few hundred days i have bared my soul, i wondered when i started if i would be able to go back on my earlier writings to see far i have come along the grieving process road. I don't feel ready to do that. How odd i thought it would bring relief. Not yet i guess.
I seem to just be putting useless pointless things here these days. Is that because its getting easier. I'm not sure.
This week has been really hard for me. I could and do just weep.
I found myself doing that this morning, whilst talking to a relative who's mother had just died. There i was giving them information, sharing a joke with them, trying to smile and trying to help, yet, i found myself having to leave the room. Looking at their mother lying in her bed, listening to them talking about how her breathing had changed, how they were holding their breaths with hers, reminded me of my bad day.
Its Mikeys birthday on Friday and yes i will blog with great sorrow. I know that now. I am crying as i write.
Yesterday i was so poorly at work. I have never felt like it before. I really thought i was going to pass out. I could feel myself just shaking and about to leave work. Just hand in my keys and walk away. Thank goodness for my wonderful colleagues who knew i was struggling. Maybe a panic attack, i don't know. Why now i asked myself. Tom had come home. I felt such sadness that both my boys were not here with us.
Misery has found me. This time she used stelth! i didn't feel her coming, she enveloped me in her wings of blackness and engulfed me. I had no way of escape and i succumbed to her embrace.
I survived! and here i am tired, yesterday even though i still ran last night. Not well but at least I'm still going.
Tomorrow again and now i have a stop watch! and we may change our route once we know how long it takes to do our distances. We will see.
So i am going to try to have a few minutes with Roger tonight, it may help!!
I will put some photos on tomorrow!!! i just haven't felt like it, in fact i will load them up now ready to post tomorrow night! that's positive.
I have some lanterns to let off Friday night but that's for then, tomorrow is another day...........
Monday 2 May 2011
Day 245/246
Another 2 blogs!! my goodness I'm getting rather lax about this. No that's not true, its just that by the time i went to bed this morning at 4am i was too tired to blog the events of the day!!!
Waiting all day yesterday to hear from Tom! It was a glorious day but i decided to clean out some cupboards! mistake i think now on reflection.
Anyway the morning started well, shredder at the ready and decided to do my filing cabinet and get rid of some trash. Why on earth i keep stuff i never know but I'm a hoarder! Loads of bits ruthlessly thrown out and i unearthed some magazines and newspapers with Mikey and Claires love stories in. It was sad and good all at the same time. How excited they were to start of their new lives. What a shame it didn't go to plan! They looked so young, and i guess they were! I did keep those!
The sun was shining in the window so i decided to go and buy a sun longer! Tim put the win break up and it was so warm.
Made a salad for lunch. I had weighed in in the morning and to my utter dismay had not lost a bean again! not sure what I'm doing wrong. Felt quite sorry for myself.
Still no call from Tom!
Kept busy and did some more tidying! then a bit of time in the garden.
Went for a short walk because we didn't want to miss Toms call.
At last he phoned to say he had landed and would be with us about 11pm. Almost to the hour in he came.
The holiday hadn't ended up quite how he hoped and he had had a few bad experiences!! although he Country was lovely he wouldn't go back again unless he had a partner to go with!! and to stay in decent accommodation in a different area!
He bought us back some lovely presents and nothing for himself!!
So i did all his washing last night, hung it out this morning ready for him to take home. At least then he really wouldn't have anything to do.
Cooked him a lunch before he went home, middle of ironing his clothes the iron gave up the ghost so had to whizz out and get another one.
Met Diana in Tesco and would have loved to have had a longer chat but no time, she looks fab so weight watchers is working for her both she and her husband looked very fit!
Tom left us about 1ish to go home, went to Wisbech quickly, popped to Jonis when i got home and she was spring cleaning too! Would you believe it she had lost another 2 pounds on weight watchers!!!
Tea and then out for a long, long walk.
I'm exhausted! and am really going to bed when i have finished here. Long day at work tomorrow i think!!
Tom phoned to thank us for everything we had done, he was pleased to be home and had collected Rocky from the kennels. All is well in the world! but tomorrow is another day!!
Waiting all day yesterday to hear from Tom! It was a glorious day but i decided to clean out some cupboards! mistake i think now on reflection.
Anyway the morning started well, shredder at the ready and decided to do my filing cabinet and get rid of some trash. Why on earth i keep stuff i never know but I'm a hoarder! Loads of bits ruthlessly thrown out and i unearthed some magazines and newspapers with Mikey and Claires love stories in. It was sad and good all at the same time. How excited they were to start of their new lives. What a shame it didn't go to plan! They looked so young, and i guess they were! I did keep those!
The sun was shining in the window so i decided to go and buy a sun longer! Tim put the win break up and it was so warm.
Made a salad for lunch. I had weighed in in the morning and to my utter dismay had not lost a bean again! not sure what I'm doing wrong. Felt quite sorry for myself.
Still no call from Tom!
Kept busy and did some more tidying! then a bit of time in the garden.
Went for a short walk because we didn't want to miss Toms call.
At last he phoned to say he had landed and would be with us about 11pm. Almost to the hour in he came.
The holiday hadn't ended up quite how he hoped and he had had a few bad experiences!! although he Country was lovely he wouldn't go back again unless he had a partner to go with!! and to stay in decent accommodation in a different area!
He bought us back some lovely presents and nothing for himself!!
So i did all his washing last night, hung it out this morning ready for him to take home. At least then he really wouldn't have anything to do.
Cooked him a lunch before he went home, middle of ironing his clothes the iron gave up the ghost so had to whizz out and get another one.
Met Diana in Tesco and would have loved to have had a longer chat but no time, she looks fab so weight watchers is working for her both she and her husband looked very fit!
Tom left us about 1ish to go home, went to Wisbech quickly, popped to Jonis when i got home and she was spring cleaning too! Would you believe it she had lost another 2 pounds on weight watchers!!!
Tea and then out for a long, long walk.
I'm exhausted! and am really going to bed when i have finished here. Long day at work tomorrow i think!!
Tom phoned to thank us for everything we had done, he was pleased to be home and had collected Rocky from the kennels. All is well in the world! but tomorrow is another day!!
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