Tuesday 31 January 2012

Day 564/565/566/567/568/569/570

A whole week! I so wanted to make sure i began to blog in a positive manner so here goes nothing!

W, word i have decided to just go with the flow, OK so the tide is out but hey ho even i can deal with that at the moment.
Lots of things have happened lots of thought going into resolving issues and blinkers have definitely been removed! Off to Oxford in the morning for our annual conference, guest speaker Will Carling that should be interesting! how to Rugby tackle the boss into submission. Well it would be worth a try.
Don't like going away and i can never work the shower in these hotels! call it my rustic living but i usually end up having a bath only to get out put my hand on a tap or something and. yep the shower comes on. Ah well it makes life a little interesting.

Running is going well. We went on Thursday with the plan of doing all the Thursday route, Sue had a sore hip so we only did a short one, and hoped all would be good for Sunday a do another 7 mile run so Sue could get some miles in.
Sue phoned on Saturday to say she was in a lot of pain and would give running a miss for  week to see how things go. I do hope it will be OK.

I took Friday off and Tim and i took Duke down to the coast. We had a lovely long walk and time to talk, no w word mentioned. The weekend was very restful and i had a sense of achievement

Sunday was really cold, frosty but sunny in the morning but got up early for my run. Keith took me and Luke out with him and i cant believe we did 8.5 miles!! and it took an hour and a half. Good going for me. I was really pleased with my self.
Monday it was my physio visit and i was a little worried because the ankle was a bit sore and i just hoped the longer runs are not doing me any harm.
Alix was pleased with the foot and left the strapping off the outer side of the foot and just taped the inner one to support the ligaments on the inside of the foot as they have been working so hard for the past few months. Still got to continue with the exercises and the wobble board to strengthen up the muscles.

Tuesday i had to go and do some more training! and then running tonight. Yippee it was another good one. I have to confess thought hat i could have given in at the 2 mile stage! and the 3 mile stage but just kept thinking of Mikey and that kept me going. 5.75 miles tonight on a training run. That's good and i don't stop at all now. Keith yet again supported me and almost dragged me home with his verbal support!! Boy am i tired though, I'm quite happy to skip Thursday this week, naughty i know but i don't think i will be home in time so it will be another long run with Keith on Sunday.

I have started a just giving page so i hope if anyone does read my blog will wander over there and make a donation and support me with the marathon. All proceeds to Papworth Hospital Cystic Fibrosis Unit. I hope to raise £2012 i know its a strange amount but its the same number as this year. Mikey so desperately wanted to be here for the Olympics.
Oh lord its not long now till i run in the Olympic Stadium run its really exciting and what a wonderful opportunity. Mikey would i hope be a little bit proud of me. At least he will be telling his friends he knows someone who's doing it!! So if you can see anything in the world down here Mikey drop in on the day!!!
www.Justgiving.com  sue-ward2 and my page is called  team sue sue

Well i better get some sleep I'm up in 3 hours!!! and don't want to fall asleep mid conference!! ah well tomorrow is another day

Tuesday 24 January 2012

Day 562/563

Only two days well that is an improvement. Went shopping late last night so no blog.

I seem to have had a grasp on things the last two days well regarding the w word other than that well things have been rather frosty, but i may have detected a slight thaw tonight thanks to Tom coming round this evening for his washing!!

It has been a miserable day today that horrid clingy rain, not hard just like a mist. Running tonight was a wet affair!

I managed to get home in time to do a few exercises before the run as my legs still ached after Sunday. That's usual for me now but i felt i needed to run through  the aches if i could.

So off we went me in the front again, next time I'm going to follow someone and not be in the front!!!

5.64 miles yippee completed the Tuesday run for the second time only!!! Now for Thursday we need to get that one under our belts next!! That's if we go the right way.
We had a cup of tea and a chat and  were told how we are improving!! and then Sue lost her car keys. We took a while looking for them to no avail. One of the senior runners said are they in your pocket, so Sue looked and said no, the next question was would it help if you were wearing your jacket, well we looked down  and i had Sues on and she had mine!!! well not only do we get lost on the routes we cant even dress appropriately and they had our names on them!!

We seem to bring a little light entertainment to the club anyway!!

Well i best get some sleep, blood taking refresher course in the morning and have to travel

Tonight i feel a bit better and seem to be seeing the wood for the trees and so i will go to sleep in a positive mood, but tomorrow is another day.............

Sunday 22 January 2012

Day 518/519/560/561

Another 4 days and I'm not going to talk about work. Why because its so depressing.

It has been a very odd few days, Tim and i have certainly not been ourselves and i wonder if its my fault.

Things have changed between us and its been happening over the last year or so. Things don't change do they? no its people that change  so i guess that's me then. We just cant seem to agree to anything at all and Tim does look very unhappy but i do resent in some way the fact that he is at home and I'm working. Oops it was the word i wasn't going to discuss.

So running has been really rubbish as i said about Tuesday and Thursday was much the same in fact i had to stop off at the local co op to spend a penny!! My legs felt like someone had been in the night cut my legs off and stitched someone Else's on! and really wasn't sure if i would run on Sunday or not.

Friday Tom came round and Tim was talking about me having another car! i said i didn't want one and then that was wrong. Tim said he thought it would be nice as i work hard to have a little sports car. Well we had one and changed it for the estate to take Duke out. Tim's plan!! so why change again! Just me being petty.

So Saturday was just another day and today i did get up early for a run.

Had to pass by ours so i called in to go to the loo!!! but did 7 miles so that was an improvement. Went for a long walk this afternoon as well and that's it week end over!!
So did nothing and went nowhere and its the w word tomorrow.

Tim says we don't have time together!!! and when would that be. I work all day Monday to Friday. Run Tues and Thursday evening but only for 2 hours I'm back by 8pm. I run Sundays 8am to 10am so we have the rest of the day. Is  that too much? i don't think so and i have to practise for the marathon, for goodness sake. I cant do right for doing wrong. Ah well.
Not sure how we can get ourselves back on the right road, i so wanted to call Mikey today, you know i just forgot! that's happened several times just recently.
Its Tim's birthday this week perhaps i should have the day off.

Losing Mikey has had such a profound effect on us or perhaps me. I really do not seem to care about anything. Just going through the motions of living the best way i can. It may not be right for everyone else but its OK for me. I am happy with my own company and would much prefer to be on my own at times. Maybe that's it, Tim has had time to himself, time to reflect to to sit and think, time on his own and i haven't had that.
I wonder if i have even had the time to grieve and the answer to that would be no.
Well this conversation to myself is getting rather deep so i will leave it, after all tomorrow is another day................

Wednesday 18 January 2012

DAy 516/517

Someone wrote to me that Good days become more frequent and bad days will appear, but not as dark and there will be more sunrises than sunsets. What a lovely comforting thing to read.

I still feel unsettled but hope that will improve over the next couple of weeks, we shall see.

Running was rubbish yesterday, well i was late home, Tom visited and i had to rush out. Legs ached like crazy, must have been the effort of Sunday lets hope tomorrow is better!! stretching when i can today.

Tim and i had a long talk about Mikey tonight and how we missed things. Living with CF you normalise things, and that's the trap we fell in. We were blind to some degree or just didn't want to hear what was being said. Reflection is a wonderful thing.

Thing seems to be the word of the night doesn't it!

Well i have to return to work tonight, more checks and then to book some leave.

DAY OUT WITH THE GIRLS COMING UP. It would seem I'm the only one going for the facial, and all the others going for a body wrap. Maybe i need more help!! So looking forward to the day out in February.

January, my new thing was obtain a PB in running. Achieved!!!
February  experience a day in a Beauty Spa, that sure will be a new experience.
March will be the Olympic stadium run
April  not decided yet
May will be the MARATHON!!
After that, no thoughts at the moment.

Well best get myself organised for the visit !!!! Tim's asleep as is Duke, some have the right idea, still i just need to remember that tomorrow is another day

Monday 16 January 2012

Day 509/510/511/512/513/514/515

Well its been a full week and i cant use the excuse of being on holiday and not having a lap top.

It has been a week of decision making, trauma and stress.
I can only say that losing Michael was the one thing that kept me upright. Knowing that nothing is as bad as that. The problem i was having was with the people around me and quite honestly i need them like i need a hole in the head. It got so bad that on Tuesday i handed in my notice!!!

Yep i phoned my boss wrote the letter, put my coat on well actually in the opposite order!!
Coat on and about to leave when i stopped and thought no its not professional!! so did the decent thing, phoned my boss and asked if they could spare a moment and then said why. Then i wrote the letter. Phoned Tim and said i wouldn't be home for lunch, not telling him what i was doing!!!! Tim would have been glad i think.

I could re visit last week and all it would do would make me upset again and i don't need it. Running gave me an outlet and for that i am very grateful.

My boss came over and was very supportive and would not accept my notice, asked me to reconsider and try to work things out.
He spoke to some people and i was later to discover from them that they was not happy that he had spoke to them. Well oh dear, we all have our crosses to bear.

I have  managed to get things sorted in my head now, it didn't help to find out that i probably have skin cancer and off to see a specialist at the beginning of Feb. It was my birthday as well and that was miserable, i just should have taken time off!!

I realise that many people have egos and if they are not pandered to feel bereft! gee i feel sad for them, but its not going to happen.

I had a hard lesson to learn last week. The problem is i am so gullible, i always see the best in people and never think that anyone could be anything other than being honest! ha i should have learnt that from what happened after Mikey died. What a damn fool i am.

I miss my colleague! maybe we will be able to be in touch soon! i live in hope.

Sunday was race day and i still cant believe our time. Something must have spurred us on 5.25 miles in 50 Min's now that is really good!! so i ended the week on a positive note and hope this week will continue in the same vein. Well until 5.20pm it was, ah well tomorrow is another day..................................

Monday 9 January 2012

Day 505/506/507/508

How odd 508 that's cf number!!

Anyway here i am 4 days later. Friday was a nightmare and one i really do not want to revisit!!! and that's really work wise i have to say.
Managed to get out with Tim and Duke for a really long walk and that blew away a few cobwebs. Spent time on the rowing machine and goodness those muscles i found that i didn't realise i had  are still complaining today!!Saturday we walked for miles. I think we went out at least 3 times.

I managed to pop and see mum and dad down Eastwood and spent a bit of time removing dead flowers and giving them a bit of a spruce up. I was the only person down there and its weird when you are in a cemetery all by yourself!!! Popped to see my niece who is looking very tired!! doing too much i think.

Sunday it was up early for my Sunday run. No Sue as she was working so Luke ran with me. A really nice lady from the club invited us to run with her and her friend. They said they would be a bit slow but my word i was running faster than ever but manged to keep up until we saw ahead a very large dog. An Irish wolfhound walking off its lead heading towards us, in fact there were two!!! stop and stay still Deb said, well i didn't need telling twice her friend Anne was on her cycle and kept going. They came behind us and i didn't dare look round, they loped off after Anne next thing i knew was Deb saying down the hill and we shot off at a sprint, i really cant believe i was running at full speed down a grassy bank praying the dogs would not follow. Well i think i pulled every leg muscle i had, i could feel the burn!!! and then i though ooh i need to go to the loo, but hey i can wait!!! 6 miles later!!!!

I am still paying for that run so i hope i will be OK for tomorrow night! But i wont be running through the pocket park i can tell you!!

We have a frostbite run on Sunday and we both want to do well.

I heard from Papworth and they have sent details for a just giving page and they will send us out some t shirts and balloons etc with sponsor forms, once i have seen Sue tomorrow i will get back in touch with them. All systems go now. Its going to be a tough few months.

Tom popped round with a fantastic telescope he has bought, he hopes we will be able to view Mikey's star, it was too cloudy last night but lets hope for a nice clear evening soon.


                                                                Tom and his new toy

Tom seems so much happier than he has been for months, long may it continue.

I'm off out for the day with the sisters again next month. A trip to a health spa, we could chose one particular treatment, I'm having the hour long facial, Tim wondered if this would be long enough!! I am still thinking about talking to him or not!!!

Been out for a 5 mile walk tonight!!! so feeling rather tired.

Well i better get an early night if i can, i need all the rest i can get these days note i didn't say sleep. That still does not come easy to me but  i keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day..............................

Thursday 5 January 2012

Day 503/504

Well i missed yesterday but i spent several hours interestingly finding bits about Mikey on Google!!

It was so very windy yesterday and work continued to be hard but my word not  a patch on today. Do we stop and really consider how we spend our time and how much is wasted on useless things. Very often things that are out of our control and that come the next day they are still waiting.

I have said this year i would try and concentrate on myself and the family. Its a struggle and its only 5 days into the year!!!

We didn't get out last night for our walk so big effort from Friday onwards and over the week end!

Today was an absolute nightmare of a day. I think the worse working day i have experienced and really am considering my options. I know i said this last year but good gracious I'm not sure i am up to the amount of work and effort being demanded of me.

I obtained a rowing machine today to help strengthen up some of my lazy muscles and should assist in improved running. Well i can hope for that at least. Tim had a go and needed help getting off it!!! have to say i felt rather smug when i managed to get on and off with little effort!!

Running tonight and we did OK but it was windy and the first part of the run went rather slowly so had to up the pace later.

When i have finished her i will contact Papworth Hosp[ital and get detail of their charity registration so i can get a just giving web site up and running. I will put a link on here and hope everyone who visits could donate a small amount to a very good cause.

Annie at the running club who makes the tea has told me not to get injured because she is looking forward to the Olympic stadium run. I have offered her one of the free places i have been given that allows my guests access to the Olympic village and stadium to watch the race. I am very excited about it now.

One of the runners has offered to come on some long runs with me and Sue to help encourage us and to ensure we keep our distance work up!! How kind.

Well off to research Papworth and try not to think about work tonight, after all Tomorrow is another day.

Tuesday 3 January 2012

Day 502

Woke up this morning to wind!!! gale force winds. The damage to fences at work, joy!!!

Really busy today after the New year holiday and have had little time to think. Lovely all the computers down which really gave me time to catch up on tasks usually left to one side.

Tom came round this evening and he looks well and has his door fixed now properly!!

Sue went to the hospital and they are not sure what the problem is, so she is going to have a scan. Not able to run with me tonight as she has a bad cold! So Luke bless him took me out again but my word my legs still ached from Saturday!! Rowing machine needed now to do a change of exercise on the rest!!! nights. And tonight one of the runners gave me his old marathon plan. How kind was that.

It was really tough tonight in the wind but managed somehow to get round, just keep reminding myself that this year is for Mikey!!!!

Booked our seats on the London Marathon bus to support the rest of the runners in April. So i have the Olympic run in March, London marathon to watch in April and our Marathon in Edinburgh in May and its January already things are hotting up. Eek. So some time left thank goodness and i just have to remember every day that...
 Tomorrow is another day

Monday 2 January 2012

Day 501

Cant quite believe i have managed 2 days running, i wonder how long it will last.

I forgot to mention yesterday that we had a sparrow hawk sit on our garden fence and looked in at the window. I managed to get some photos but sadly through glass so the reflection is not good still i will see what they are like when i get them on the computer.

It was so mild today and after a good walk this morning we did a bit of gardening. The leaves look such a mess. Tim trimmed back some of the trees and would you believe it there are buds on the branches already. The seasons really are mixed up.

Tom phoned and he had managed to lock himself out!!! Dad to the rescue, thank goodness he lives closer now.

Another walk out tonight, i must get fit for this year so between running i must walk and get on the fitness equipment! and the diet resumed today. I fell off the food wagon over Christmas and gained to my shame 7 pounds. Can you credit it, but hey ho must try harder.

I have to say this week end has been a real break from work and although i bought work home to do i decided not to do it. I am pleased i made that choice. All in all the last few weeks of the year have been really tough and i must give time to my home life!!! Personal time is going to take a priority this year.

Going to have a visit to health spa next month, that will be a first!!

To bed i have to be up early and its running tomorrow night, and ooh my legs ache today!!

Sunday 1 January 2012

Day 499/500

I couldn't blog last night so i will start the year with yesterday and today. Maybe just a little differently.

Dear Mikey

Its been another 12 months and every day we think of you. You are not forgotten. Sometimes the days pass and then a month has gone. All they are though are days and dates. Life just goes on. I wish i had reached that stage where i can remember all the good times, and yet i still see you that last day in hospital, i pray for the day when i can see your happy face. I wonder if i am just hanging on to those memories or just because it seems like yesterday. Dad misses you so very much and often will say he has nothing to live for now. Yet he too goes through the motions of life. We know that's not how you wanted us to be, but Mikey its such a huge thing to ask of us. Promises made are not always easy to keep. We are sorry but its just too much. Maybe, maybe this time next year i will be writing a different letter to you. Tom was saying yesterday how pleased you would be because Tottenham are doing well and what a shame you didn't see that.
Dad watched a Harry Potter film today for the first time and enjoyed it. It was The half blood prince, the last one you saw. We know you hoped to see the final parts but i will try and get dad to watch them with me.

Are you happy where ever you are. I hope you are amongst friends and family and are breathing easy. I don't know what i believe in but surely there has to be something better. I hope.

Toms back in town and seems to be happier than he has been for a long time. I hope this year brings some peace of mind and some joy into his life. You were always the more organised and practical one. You were also the one who just loved life. Mikey the world is a poorer place without you in it.

I don't know what Claire is doing but I'm sure if you can, you continue to watch over her. I have been blessed with the friendship of some of your friends who share their lives with us.

Yesterday i ran the New Years Eve Run at Little Downham. Its a popular run and hard to get a place, so we were lucky. We ran well and did a good time, it put us in a positive frame for this year. After all the injuries of last year and only being able to run between one lamp post to another i hope you would be proud of me. OK so i have a tendency to get lost, but Mikey i have never been boring!! I have made some good friends you would be pleased to know. I have also tried to do something new every month, and that will continue this year as well. I'm not sure about Dad i think we will just have to wait and see.

And so another year begins. This is a year for you. Each run will be another step towards the Marathon in May.

The candle burns in the window and light to guide you home to us. A beacon of our love to you. I could talk and write for hours but you know what the posts like if i don't get a wiggle on i will miss the last collection, and so i will close for now and catch you later.
Love you loads, miss you
Mum xxxxx

PS Thought you might enjoy seeing the pre race picture!!!