My goodness we have been on a very long 5 year journey. Tomorrow will be the start of a different route. Trying to be positive, remembering Mikey with joy and the good times. Its time to try and move forward otherwise grief just overwhelms you. It has the dark shadows, the cloak of despair which are to be removed and lifted. I have no doubt that from time to time I will sink into those low dark places but perhaps not so often and not for so long.
I need to find peace within me, I need to live and on my terms. Sometimes anger clouds your judgements and thought processes. Its only because of good friends who have propped me up and allowed me to do what I had to do, with no judgement. It is without doubt because of them I will be able to start a new journey.
Mikey never ever wanted us to be sad and yet when you lose a child no matter the age you cant help it. There are no guide books to tell you how to behave, no manuals to tell you how to fix a broken heart and no way to get back what you have lost. I think the truest love is to live a life in honour of the person you have lost. I don't mean live their life but not waste a precious gift of life we all have.
The one person who was the strongest was Mikey, we knew that but never fully appreciated just how hard it must have been for him. In a way I wonder if we have let him down but I will not dwell on that, I have to let negative thoughts go. This page will I trust do that for me.
I have set myself goals over the past 5 years and I have achieved them! and I think I lost my life's rudder for the last few months certainly after the London Marathon.
The decisions to leave work were the best. I think that had been haunting me for a long time. It certainly gave me the space I needed. Having counselling also helped. Why do these things take so long, ah well perhaps I was not ready.
So I have set myself new achievable targets, new goals and if all goes well will be sitting here this time next year congratulating myself, positive thoughts.
Every day is special and I will attempt to show that in my writings.
So with mixed feelings I close my blog for the last time this year, its not forever because.... tomorrow is another day......
Thursday 31 December 2015
Tuesday 29 December 2015
30th December 2015
I have only managed 3 blogs this year, shame on me. I guess because each day is the same! I do often ask myself how did I manage to get here today. I think what I mean is we are now 6 Christmas's without Mikey and where has the time gone. How have we managed to reach another milestone. The world hasn't stopped spinning and looking back have I really achieved anything. We mourn and yet what has it done to change circumstances, nothing. I do believe there are lessons to learn, whether I will heed them is another thing all together.
We cant change who we are or what we have done. Was it right at the time? yes I do think so. But and isn't there always a but, on reflection I should have got my butt into gear much sooner. Have I been feeling sorry for myself, yes I do think so but having such a traumatic event in your life probably shapes your emotions and feelings for the future.
I have done the one thing I set out to do, maybe took me longer but I have gained so much from running. Certainly given me the time to focus and channel unhealthy energies into the sweat and pain of a run. For the past couple of months I have been unsure of what to do, I think I have lost my running mojo and there seems no reason to get back. Being injured again doesn't help! hamstring this time and its a beast. 8 weeks so far! 8 weeks of not being able to walk properly, pain as soon as I put weight on my leg. Ah now there is a dirty word, weight, may have some contributing factor! So from the 1st Jan going to really try to lose some weight, but I have so little will power.
I think having been shrouded in Misery for so long when you surface its a reality shock. I feel as if I have been living in smog, at the moment not sure who I am! and realise I need to do something about it.
I have been writing this in small sessions today. I have had physio and whilst I cant run yet it is looking more positive, hopefully when I go back in 2 weeks and if the exercises I do continue to strengthen the ligaments of the hamstring I will be able to get out again. So, I have ordered new trainers, always a positive! Had my bike tyres pumped up! as I can now cycle. I will try to exercise everyday and I will get fit! I have put my head above the parapet and going for it!
I have also considered my next challenge, Will do a half marathon in October and run for a charity. Mikeys friend was a very good musician and his mum started a charity in his name to help any budding musicians to get a bit of help. Mikey would be pleased with that I know. Done! now I have said it will have to do it.
I will also make a conscious effort to blog daily. It helped me through some dark times so maybe will again. I can remember in the early days being told that the grieving process can take years, and it has. I also know that Mikey would be horrified that we have spent so long in the process. He wanted us to remember him with happiness not sadness. It has been so hard to do that, but I feel i'm ready to move on. I also think that our oldest son has been affected by us and that even he doesn't quite know what to say and do! Now that's not right is it, so I am also making a huge effort to bring the joy back in all our lives. Trouble is I start with good intensions and some how get it wrong, but at least I will try!
Im now off to do my exercises, have to but weight on my ankle! had to search for them! have every piece of fitness equipment there is, just look at it mostly and could only find one ankle weight, still being positive I only need one! I have the band! to do hamstring stretches, um tried it earlier only to pull it off my foot, result was being twanged around the neck, not as successful as I had hoped but I can only get better! Im doing most of the stretches on my back due to having a back problem! thought it would reduce the risk of injury! I bet the physio never considered that one!
Another day over, tomorrow is another day.................................
We cant change who we are or what we have done. Was it right at the time? yes I do think so. But and isn't there always a but, on reflection I should have got my butt into gear much sooner. Have I been feeling sorry for myself, yes I do think so but having such a traumatic event in your life probably shapes your emotions and feelings for the future.
I have done the one thing I set out to do, maybe took me longer but I have gained so much from running. Certainly given me the time to focus and channel unhealthy energies into the sweat and pain of a run. For the past couple of months I have been unsure of what to do, I think I have lost my running mojo and there seems no reason to get back. Being injured again doesn't help! hamstring this time and its a beast. 8 weeks so far! 8 weeks of not being able to walk properly, pain as soon as I put weight on my leg. Ah now there is a dirty word, weight, may have some contributing factor! So from the 1st Jan going to really try to lose some weight, but I have so little will power.
I think having been shrouded in Misery for so long when you surface its a reality shock. I feel as if I have been living in smog, at the moment not sure who I am! and realise I need to do something about it.
I have been writing this in small sessions today. I have had physio and whilst I cant run yet it is looking more positive, hopefully when I go back in 2 weeks and if the exercises I do continue to strengthen the ligaments of the hamstring I will be able to get out again. So, I have ordered new trainers, always a positive! Had my bike tyres pumped up! as I can now cycle. I will try to exercise everyday and I will get fit! I have put my head above the parapet and going for it!
I have also considered my next challenge, Will do a half marathon in October and run for a charity. Mikeys friend was a very good musician and his mum started a charity in his name to help any budding musicians to get a bit of help. Mikey would be pleased with that I know. Done! now I have said it will have to do it.
I will also make a conscious effort to blog daily. It helped me through some dark times so maybe will again. I can remember in the early days being told that the grieving process can take years, and it has. I also know that Mikey would be horrified that we have spent so long in the process. He wanted us to remember him with happiness not sadness. It has been so hard to do that, but I feel i'm ready to move on. I also think that our oldest son has been affected by us and that even he doesn't quite know what to say and do! Now that's not right is it, so I am also making a huge effort to bring the joy back in all our lives. Trouble is I start with good intensions and some how get it wrong, but at least I will try!
Im now off to do my exercises, have to but weight on my ankle! had to search for them! have every piece of fitness equipment there is, just look at it mostly and could only find one ankle weight, still being positive I only need one! I have the band! to do hamstring stretches, um tried it earlier only to pull it off my foot, result was being twanged around the neck, not as successful as I had hoped but I can only get better! Im doing most of the stretches on my back due to having a back problem! thought it would reduce the risk of injury! I bet the physio never considered that one!
Another day over, tomorrow is another day.................................
Friday 24 July 2015
25th July 2015
When I wrote on the first day of January I had such high hopes of being able to continue with my blog on a regular basis. Looks like that went out of the window!
It will be 5 years since we lost Mikey in a couple of weeks and I find myself constantly going back to that time and pondering about all that we have lost.
But!! so much has happened in the past few months that I still feel as if I am trying to catch up with myself.
I know I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself with the training for the London Marathon, all the winter training and long runs, constant injuries and flare ups of the old ones. My running buddies have been amazing.
At last after years of saying I would get a passport I did! That's another different thing I have done!
Work had been a constant worry and the stress from that combined with the changes within the company resulted in me just saying that's it and I left in March. Without doubt the best thing for me, so decided to have summer retirement and consider options for the winter months. Another different thing for me to have done.
I can honestly say I haven't missed work at all, that's something I found quite odd as I have always worked! The good weather has certainly been beneficial!
Another long weekend with my sisters to celebrate one of my younger sisters 60th. We had a great time away together and probably something we will continue to do. I understand from the 'baby' that next year we may go abroad for a weekend! goodness that will be exciting!!! especially as I have not been on a plane before, ah well something different Mikey said!
I have spent so much time out in Mikeys garden, replanting and re shaping and its looking good. Still work to do, the turf hasn't been a great success so I think under the tree I will lay some artificial grass. Tom says it will look odd but I don't mind, I just think it will be cool! A job for the months to come!
The roses though have a delightful scent, so unusual now adays to find some that actually smell of anything, the warm nights and the scent coming in through the open window has been quite soothing.
April and the Marathon what an experience and what an adventure. All the months of training and emotions I have been carrying around with me for so long just all came together in one day. I cant begin to explain what that day meant to me. Sad though that no family there to support me but at least I knew that hundreds of miles away my cousin was tracking my every move and that was very comforting. Liz has been the most amazing person who has held me up when I have been down, who as carried me along with her humour and her stories from across the pond, who has listened to me and who most importantly has travelled along side of me on a journey that none should walk, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough.
Once I had finished I felt bereft, what would I do now? what would keep me going, I felt like a ship lost at sea with no anchor. To be honest I still feel like that. I have a need to have a purpose, something to keep me going because getting up each morning just isn't enough.
One of the drawbacks of not working is too much time on my hands.
So another thing I had been promising myself for years was a summer house and at last we purchased one. Time spent clearing a spot in the garden, laying a permanent base for it took more time and then it arrived! It has been a sanctuary, somewhere to sit a read, a place to ponder a place of peace. I have my telescope set up ready to watch the night skies and the meteor showers and im looking forward to the winter months and sitting in the garden sheltered from the elements and sitting in the watery winter sunshine, cant wait for that!
May, and Mikey would have been celebrating his 30th birthday. I wonder what he would have been doing, how he would have been, what he would have achieved if he had received his transplant. We will never guess and I wonder when I will stop wishing and wanting the impossible. It still hurts. Mikey I know would not have wanted this but how can you plan how you will behave? You cant and you don't. A sad month that used to be so joyous.
June and my eldest sister managed to fall and break a wrist, as soon as it was out of plaster fell and broke the other one and i'll be blessed that two days later she fell and broke the same one again that had just healed.! Both arms in plaster. For most of this month we spent decorating and getting T's new house ready for him. We all worked so hard. So pleased that he seems to be getting back on track after so long.
I entered a new type of run and found to my amazement I really enjoyed it, mind you leaping over tree stumps and running 5 miles through a forest was rather unusual! I think that's what I need to do now, just run for the fun of it. Another, 'something different' Falling flat on my face in the mud whilst negotiating a hill was yet another!
July, my sister requiring surgery on both wrists and awaiting the outome of her brain scan, still no news as of yet. I think that's a good thing, surely if it was serious the results would have been quicker, well that's how im coping!
So here we are 1am on the 24th July. Some things don't change. I still don't go to bed very early, still have problems sleeping, still think of Mikey every night before eventually getting off to sleep. Still miss him every day, still wish he was here, still want to wake up and realise ive had the longest nightmare ever and none of these writings happened. Except.... I know that's not true.
Ah well tomorrow is another day
It will be 5 years since we lost Mikey in a couple of weeks and I find myself constantly going back to that time and pondering about all that we have lost.
But!! so much has happened in the past few months that I still feel as if I am trying to catch up with myself.
I know I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself with the training for the London Marathon, all the winter training and long runs, constant injuries and flare ups of the old ones. My running buddies have been amazing.
At last after years of saying I would get a passport I did! That's another different thing I have done!
Work had been a constant worry and the stress from that combined with the changes within the company resulted in me just saying that's it and I left in March. Without doubt the best thing for me, so decided to have summer retirement and consider options for the winter months. Another different thing for me to have done.
I can honestly say I haven't missed work at all, that's something I found quite odd as I have always worked! The good weather has certainly been beneficial!
Another long weekend with my sisters to celebrate one of my younger sisters 60th. We had a great time away together and probably something we will continue to do. I understand from the 'baby' that next year we may go abroad for a weekend! goodness that will be exciting!!! especially as I have not been on a plane before, ah well something different Mikey said!
I have spent so much time out in Mikeys garden, replanting and re shaping and its looking good. Still work to do, the turf hasn't been a great success so I think under the tree I will lay some artificial grass. Tom says it will look odd but I don't mind, I just think it will be cool! A job for the months to come!
The roses though have a delightful scent, so unusual now adays to find some that actually smell of anything, the warm nights and the scent coming in through the open window has been quite soothing.
April and the Marathon what an experience and what an adventure. All the months of training and emotions I have been carrying around with me for so long just all came together in one day. I cant begin to explain what that day meant to me. Sad though that no family there to support me but at least I knew that hundreds of miles away my cousin was tracking my every move and that was very comforting. Liz has been the most amazing person who has held me up when I have been down, who as carried me along with her humour and her stories from across the pond, who has listened to me and who most importantly has travelled along side of me on a journey that none should walk, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough.
Once I had finished I felt bereft, what would I do now? what would keep me going, I felt like a ship lost at sea with no anchor. To be honest I still feel like that. I have a need to have a purpose, something to keep me going because getting up each morning just isn't enough.
One of the drawbacks of not working is too much time on my hands.
So another thing I had been promising myself for years was a summer house and at last we purchased one. Time spent clearing a spot in the garden, laying a permanent base for it took more time and then it arrived! It has been a sanctuary, somewhere to sit a read, a place to ponder a place of peace. I have my telescope set up ready to watch the night skies and the meteor showers and im looking forward to the winter months and sitting in the garden sheltered from the elements and sitting in the watery winter sunshine, cant wait for that!
May, and Mikey would have been celebrating his 30th birthday. I wonder what he would have been doing, how he would have been, what he would have achieved if he had received his transplant. We will never guess and I wonder when I will stop wishing and wanting the impossible. It still hurts. Mikey I know would not have wanted this but how can you plan how you will behave? You cant and you don't. A sad month that used to be so joyous.
June and my eldest sister managed to fall and break a wrist, as soon as it was out of plaster fell and broke the other one and i'll be blessed that two days later she fell and broke the same one again that had just healed.! Both arms in plaster. For most of this month we spent decorating and getting T's new house ready for him. We all worked so hard. So pleased that he seems to be getting back on track after so long.
I entered a new type of run and found to my amazement I really enjoyed it, mind you leaping over tree stumps and running 5 miles through a forest was rather unusual! I think that's what I need to do now, just run for the fun of it. Another, 'something different' Falling flat on my face in the mud whilst negotiating a hill was yet another!
July, my sister requiring surgery on both wrists and awaiting the outome of her brain scan, still no news as of yet. I think that's a good thing, surely if it was serious the results would have been quicker, well that's how im coping!
So here we are 1am on the 24th July. Some things don't change. I still don't go to bed very early, still have problems sleeping, still think of Mikey every night before eventually getting off to sleep. Still miss him every day, still wish he was here, still want to wake up and realise ive had the longest nightmare ever and none of these writings happened. Except.... I know that's not true.
Ah well tomorrow is another day
Thursday 1 January 2015
Ist Jan 2015
Phew managed it, although only just.
Quiet day today.
Did get out a for a run this afternoon. Never run at that time of day before and I struggled. Not sure if it was because I ate or because I was wearing long pants! Could even have been the weather so windy!!
The first 3 miles was like running in treacle. Luckily I had good company, two of the male club members kept me company and kept me going. We did 2 loops first 4 miles and then another 2.3 this time out in the open spaces of the fen where the wind blew and blew!!
Just to think this time last year I was on my own unsure what was going on with Tim awaiting an outcome when his leg was going to be operated on.
Out for a walk tonight and Tims knee playing up, probably the cold weather! The xmas lights are swinging in the wind, Father Christmas had fallen over on the river bank, still alight! Everywhere is so wet and muddy! The letter box is rattling, the car port roof is lifting. I love being inside tucked up in bed hearing the noises the weather produces. No snow yet!! but by all accounts its on its way, but not this weekend please. My eldest sister is driving us and I always worry when she pulls on her red leather driving gloves, she also said she doesn't know how to get there and I will have to navigate! that's a bit of a worry in itself and she will not drive in the dark. So looking a bit ominous I fear.
Heard from my sisters and it looks like we are off to Centre Parcs again in March to celebrate Lins 60th! This weekend im away again best not say where in case they read this! so doubtful if I will Blog Sat.
I appear to be rambling! it will take some time to get back into the swing of writing again and to establish order into the text!
Headlight fixed on the car, I thought it was dim when I drove home Wednesday night, oops. Not sure why that little gem sprang to mind!
Must get the weight off again, this is a constant thing for me and yet the only person holding me back is me!! well I enjoy food! and apparently if you lose 2 pounds it gives you a 10 second faster kilometre, well surely incentive enough, we will see.
I think its time to dust off some of the numerous pieces of fitness equipment I have. I do look at it from time to time. So I will start on the exercise bike, I think!
Im trying to make these posts positive as this year will be a milestone for many reasons.
I think Misery left me last year as she couldn't get a look in due to Apathy taking over the whole year.
I do know that Mikey would hate us to still be as we are so I am going to make a real effort to change this year. We can only guess at the outcome, but im back on track to try and do something different each month.
I left a message for Mikey last night, im so pleased his FB page is still open, it still gives me comfort just to pop over and have a word or two.
Think is the word of the night by the looks of it.
Well best close, work in the morning and tomorrow is another day................
Quiet day today.
Did get out a for a run this afternoon. Never run at that time of day before and I struggled. Not sure if it was because I ate or because I was wearing long pants! Could even have been the weather so windy!!
The first 3 miles was like running in treacle. Luckily I had good company, two of the male club members kept me company and kept me going. We did 2 loops first 4 miles and then another 2.3 this time out in the open spaces of the fen where the wind blew and blew!!
Just to think this time last year I was on my own unsure what was going on with Tim awaiting an outcome when his leg was going to be operated on.
Out for a walk tonight and Tims knee playing up, probably the cold weather! The xmas lights are swinging in the wind, Father Christmas had fallen over on the river bank, still alight! Everywhere is so wet and muddy! The letter box is rattling, the car port roof is lifting. I love being inside tucked up in bed hearing the noises the weather produces. No snow yet!! but by all accounts its on its way, but not this weekend please. My eldest sister is driving us and I always worry when she pulls on her red leather driving gloves, she also said she doesn't know how to get there and I will have to navigate! that's a bit of a worry in itself and she will not drive in the dark. So looking a bit ominous I fear.
Heard from my sisters and it looks like we are off to Centre Parcs again in March to celebrate Lins 60th! This weekend im away again best not say where in case they read this! so doubtful if I will Blog Sat.
I appear to be rambling! it will take some time to get back into the swing of writing again and to establish order into the text!
Headlight fixed on the car, I thought it was dim when I drove home Wednesday night, oops. Not sure why that little gem sprang to mind!
Must get the weight off again, this is a constant thing for me and yet the only person holding me back is me!! well I enjoy food! and apparently if you lose 2 pounds it gives you a 10 second faster kilometre, well surely incentive enough, we will see.
I think its time to dust off some of the numerous pieces of fitness equipment I have. I do look at it from time to time. So I will start on the exercise bike, I think!
Im trying to make these posts positive as this year will be a milestone for many reasons.
I think Misery left me last year as she couldn't get a look in due to Apathy taking over the whole year.
I do know that Mikey would hate us to still be as we are so I am going to make a real effort to change this year. We can only guess at the outcome, but im back on track to try and do something different each month.
I left a message for Mikey last night, im so pleased his FB page is still open, it still gives me comfort just to pop over and have a word or two.
Think is the word of the night by the looks of it.
Well best close, work in the morning and tomorrow is another day................
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