My goodness we have been on a very long 5 year journey. Tomorrow will be the start of a different route. Trying to be positive, remembering Mikey with joy and the good times. Its time to try and move forward otherwise grief just overwhelms you. It has the dark shadows, the cloak of despair which are to be removed and lifted. I have no doubt that from time to time I will sink into those low dark places but perhaps not so often and not for so long.
I need to find peace within me, I need to live and on my terms. Sometimes anger clouds your judgements and thought processes. Its only because of good friends who have propped me up and allowed me to do what I had to do, with no judgement. It is without doubt because of them I will be able to start a new journey.
Mikey never ever wanted us to be sad and yet when you lose a child no matter the age you cant help it. There are no guide books to tell you how to behave, no manuals to tell you how to fix a broken heart and no way to get back what you have lost. I think the truest love is to live a life in honour of the person you have lost. I don't mean live their life but not waste a precious gift of life we all have.
The one person who was the strongest was Mikey, we knew that but never fully appreciated just how hard it must have been for him. In a way I wonder if we have let him down but I will not dwell on that, I have to let negative thoughts go. This page will I trust do that for me.
I have set myself goals over the past 5 years and I have achieved them! and I think I lost my life's rudder for the last few months certainly after the London Marathon.
The decisions to leave work were the best. I think that had been haunting me for a long time. It certainly gave me the space I needed. Having counselling also helped. Why do these things take so long, ah well perhaps I was not ready.
So I have set myself new achievable targets, new goals and if all goes well will be sitting here this time next year congratulating myself, positive thoughts.
Every day is special and I will attempt to show that in my writings.
So with mixed feelings I close my blog for the last time this year, its not forever because.... tomorrow is another day......
Thursday 31 December 2015
Tuesday 29 December 2015
30th December 2015
I have only managed 3 blogs this year, shame on me. I guess because each day is the same! I do often ask myself how did I manage to get here today. I think what I mean is we are now 6 Christmas's without Mikey and where has the time gone. How have we managed to reach another milestone. The world hasn't stopped spinning and looking back have I really achieved anything. We mourn and yet what has it done to change circumstances, nothing. I do believe there are lessons to learn, whether I will heed them is another thing all together.
We cant change who we are or what we have done. Was it right at the time? yes I do think so. But and isn't there always a but, on reflection I should have got my butt into gear much sooner. Have I been feeling sorry for myself, yes I do think so but having such a traumatic event in your life probably shapes your emotions and feelings for the future.
I have done the one thing I set out to do, maybe took me longer but I have gained so much from running. Certainly given me the time to focus and channel unhealthy energies into the sweat and pain of a run. For the past couple of months I have been unsure of what to do, I think I have lost my running mojo and there seems no reason to get back. Being injured again doesn't help! hamstring this time and its a beast. 8 weeks so far! 8 weeks of not being able to walk properly, pain as soon as I put weight on my leg. Ah now there is a dirty word, weight, may have some contributing factor! So from the 1st Jan going to really try to lose some weight, but I have so little will power.
I think having been shrouded in Misery for so long when you surface its a reality shock. I feel as if I have been living in smog, at the moment not sure who I am! and realise I need to do something about it.
I have been writing this in small sessions today. I have had physio and whilst I cant run yet it is looking more positive, hopefully when I go back in 2 weeks and if the exercises I do continue to strengthen the ligaments of the hamstring I will be able to get out again. So, I have ordered new trainers, always a positive! Had my bike tyres pumped up! as I can now cycle. I will try to exercise everyday and I will get fit! I have put my head above the parapet and going for it!
I have also considered my next challenge, Will do a half marathon in October and run for a charity. Mikeys friend was a very good musician and his mum started a charity in his name to help any budding musicians to get a bit of help. Mikey would be pleased with that I know. Done! now I have said it will have to do it.
I will also make a conscious effort to blog daily. It helped me through some dark times so maybe will again. I can remember in the early days being told that the grieving process can take years, and it has. I also know that Mikey would be horrified that we have spent so long in the process. He wanted us to remember him with happiness not sadness. It has been so hard to do that, but I feel i'm ready to move on. I also think that our oldest son has been affected by us and that even he doesn't quite know what to say and do! Now that's not right is it, so I am also making a huge effort to bring the joy back in all our lives. Trouble is I start with good intensions and some how get it wrong, but at least I will try!
Im now off to do my exercises, have to but weight on my ankle! had to search for them! have every piece of fitness equipment there is, just look at it mostly and could only find one ankle weight, still being positive I only need one! I have the band! to do hamstring stretches, um tried it earlier only to pull it off my foot, result was being twanged around the neck, not as successful as I had hoped but I can only get better! Im doing most of the stretches on my back due to having a back problem! thought it would reduce the risk of injury! I bet the physio never considered that one!
Another day over, tomorrow is another day.................................
We cant change who we are or what we have done. Was it right at the time? yes I do think so. But and isn't there always a but, on reflection I should have got my butt into gear much sooner. Have I been feeling sorry for myself, yes I do think so but having such a traumatic event in your life probably shapes your emotions and feelings for the future.
I have done the one thing I set out to do, maybe took me longer but I have gained so much from running. Certainly given me the time to focus and channel unhealthy energies into the sweat and pain of a run. For the past couple of months I have been unsure of what to do, I think I have lost my running mojo and there seems no reason to get back. Being injured again doesn't help! hamstring this time and its a beast. 8 weeks so far! 8 weeks of not being able to walk properly, pain as soon as I put weight on my leg. Ah now there is a dirty word, weight, may have some contributing factor! So from the 1st Jan going to really try to lose some weight, but I have so little will power.
I think having been shrouded in Misery for so long when you surface its a reality shock. I feel as if I have been living in smog, at the moment not sure who I am! and realise I need to do something about it.
I have been writing this in small sessions today. I have had physio and whilst I cant run yet it is looking more positive, hopefully when I go back in 2 weeks and if the exercises I do continue to strengthen the ligaments of the hamstring I will be able to get out again. So, I have ordered new trainers, always a positive! Had my bike tyres pumped up! as I can now cycle. I will try to exercise everyday and I will get fit! I have put my head above the parapet and going for it!
I have also considered my next challenge, Will do a half marathon in October and run for a charity. Mikeys friend was a very good musician and his mum started a charity in his name to help any budding musicians to get a bit of help. Mikey would be pleased with that I know. Done! now I have said it will have to do it.
I will also make a conscious effort to blog daily. It helped me through some dark times so maybe will again. I can remember in the early days being told that the grieving process can take years, and it has. I also know that Mikey would be horrified that we have spent so long in the process. He wanted us to remember him with happiness not sadness. It has been so hard to do that, but I feel i'm ready to move on. I also think that our oldest son has been affected by us and that even he doesn't quite know what to say and do! Now that's not right is it, so I am also making a huge effort to bring the joy back in all our lives. Trouble is I start with good intensions and some how get it wrong, but at least I will try!
Im now off to do my exercises, have to but weight on my ankle! had to search for them! have every piece of fitness equipment there is, just look at it mostly and could only find one ankle weight, still being positive I only need one! I have the band! to do hamstring stretches, um tried it earlier only to pull it off my foot, result was being twanged around the neck, not as successful as I had hoped but I can only get better! Im doing most of the stretches on my back due to having a back problem! thought it would reduce the risk of injury! I bet the physio never considered that one!
Another day over, tomorrow is another day.................................
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)