Oh my word!!!! after last nights miserable blog i decided to check my e mails and well i nearly fell off my chair! i have been successful in getting a ballot place in the Olympic stadium run next year!!!
5,000 places i have one, yippee, whoop whoop!!! and then the realisation hit. Oh goodness what have i done now.
Mikey said to do one new thing a month and i have been trying hard to stick to that and now this is something else!!
Mikey wanted so desperately to be here for the Olympics and in one of his last conversations with us was did we think he would be and we said yes! how wrong were we. We couldn't imagine he wouldn't be. But we said if not we would make sure we watched it and thought of him. The reason i took up running was in the hope i could do the London marathon as there was no chance i could be in the Olympics, now i will be running in the stadium and be one of the first athletes to run a race there. How special will that be. I wonder Mikey, will that make me an Olympic athlete, lol. I wonder what you would have said to all of this. I do so hope i do you proud and will try my best not to be last!!!! But oh dear the film Run Fat Boy Ron really springs to mind. I can just see the local paper and the headlines 'Fenlands Finest!!!' and now i cant stop laughing. I really do not fit the athletic profile. Just a 50 something woman, who has never run, doing this. oh my oh my!!
So today was a better day and Tim has spoken about almost nothing else, he is really pleased for me. Now i have to think who will be my guests as i can take two. Decisions decisions!!!
We managed to get out today and went to Graffam Water and we took Duke, he was such a good boy. I also took the camera with the new lens fitted, i have yet to see how the snaps came out.
Went out on the bike and trying to keep the exercise going. I am now going to get a film and lay in bed with a cup of tea and try to relax. My stomach is still doing gymnastics!!! i haven't heard from my running buddy, i wonder if she has a place, i cant imagine running on my own :(
Whilst i am happy about the news I'm also sad because i miss Mikey and know he would be saying well done mum he would be quite proud of me i think! and also shaking his head from side to side saying you must be mad! Love you Mikey, wish you were here xxx
I think i will give running a try tomorrow just a short one, the ankle feels a bit sore but OK, should i? see still indecisive! ah well tomorrow is another day
Saturday 29 October 2011
Friday 28 October 2011
Day 431/432/433/434/435
5 whole days of not blogging and maybe that's the lesson to me!! this is where i let all my frustrations out and boy do i need to do that. But where to begin! so much has happened since Sunday where i was saying how quickly the time has gone. Life is passing me by or I'm on this huge tidal wave of life and lord only knows where I'm going to be tossed up.
I have never been or felt so indecisive in my life and i just cant express how much i feel adrift from myself.
Oh i can reflect and ponder on where and when these changes have arisen from and i could look back on my blog but i cant look back, not yet its still too painful.
I have changed! that's what i wanted to do and it was at one time so very positive. The changes were measurable and i felt in control of the. Not now!!
I have lost my rudder so to speak. Its very lonely even in a crowd at work, that's the root of the problem i think, too many changes all at once and Tim umm well that's another issue and one i really don't know what to do about. I keep closing the door on whats going wrong i don't seem to be able to do anything right!
Yep i know that's not unusual and all relationships have blips that's what it all about but i feel I'm trawling through mud.
Strange isn't it how I'm using all these terms! just goes to show i haven't a clue in which direction to go, what to sort out first or can i even be bothered.
Is this another part of grieving? how the hell do i know. I was almost numb even moribund now I'm so angry all of the time. I have developed teeth and claws and have almost bitten through my own arms in frustration and despair! and why? what do i hope to achieve. Apart from almost having no limbs at all now so to speak! the legs have been traumatised through running!!! ah well, i have got all my bits and bobs its all a figure of speech!
I have been so tired this week more than usual, maybe I'm depressed. I haven't got time for that.
Delegation may be the key but having seen the consequences for a very close friend it scares the ...... out of me.
So many, many things are happening, just solve one problems and there is this enormous beast lurking in the background raising its ugly head to cause more mayhem!!
Oh I'm moaning and grumbling like a good one tonight! but hey ho that's what i need to do. My fingers and pounding away at a rapid rate of knots!, obviously haven't chewed hard enough because they are still functioning!!!
So apart from having to spend time out of the office and making the attempts to catch up and have proven to be virtually impossible what have i done.
Well the running has gone well, all be it slowly the ankle is holding up, still sore but at least I'm walking on it with no problems even after the runs
Tuesday i ran for a mile at a time with short break and ran 4 miles in total. Thursday it was raining!! the sky was lit up with lightening and there was a rumble of thunder but off we went and i have to say we were running well. Didn't run as far but ran for 1 1/2 miles and then did a 2 mile stint and still managed to do nearly 5 miles. Lets hope i get good news at Physio Tuesday because time is getting on and we need to work towards increasing the mileage!! Got some races coming up, one is a 10 mile in December so i hope I'm fit!!!
I did take some time back on Thursday and hoped to spend some time out with Tim and Duke but it was the one day of the week which was lousy, typical still here's hoping the week end will be kind. Before you know it i will be back on the treadmill again, not the exercise one either!!!
Well i do feel better for that!!! So maybe, just maybe i will enjoy the weekend, but who knows tomorrow is another day after all!!!
I have never been or felt so indecisive in my life and i just cant express how much i feel adrift from myself.
Oh i can reflect and ponder on where and when these changes have arisen from and i could look back on my blog but i cant look back, not yet its still too painful.
I have changed! that's what i wanted to do and it was at one time so very positive. The changes were measurable and i felt in control of the. Not now!!
I have lost my rudder so to speak. Its very lonely even in a crowd at work, that's the root of the problem i think, too many changes all at once and Tim umm well that's another issue and one i really don't know what to do about. I keep closing the door on whats going wrong i don't seem to be able to do anything right!
Yep i know that's not unusual and all relationships have blips that's what it all about but i feel I'm trawling through mud.
Strange isn't it how I'm using all these terms! just goes to show i haven't a clue in which direction to go, what to sort out first or can i even be bothered.
Is this another part of grieving? how the hell do i know. I was almost numb even moribund now I'm so angry all of the time. I have developed teeth and claws and have almost bitten through my own arms in frustration and despair! and why? what do i hope to achieve. Apart from almost having no limbs at all now so to speak! the legs have been traumatised through running!!! ah well, i have got all my bits and bobs its all a figure of speech!
I have been so tired this week more than usual, maybe I'm depressed. I haven't got time for that.
Delegation may be the key but having seen the consequences for a very close friend it scares the ...... out of me.
So many, many things are happening, just solve one problems and there is this enormous beast lurking in the background raising its ugly head to cause more mayhem!!
Oh I'm moaning and grumbling like a good one tonight! but hey ho that's what i need to do. My fingers and pounding away at a rapid rate of knots!, obviously haven't chewed hard enough because they are still functioning!!!
So apart from having to spend time out of the office and making the attempts to catch up and have proven to be virtually impossible what have i done.
Well the running has gone well, all be it slowly the ankle is holding up, still sore but at least I'm walking on it with no problems even after the runs
Tuesday i ran for a mile at a time with short break and ran 4 miles in total. Thursday it was raining!! the sky was lit up with lightening and there was a rumble of thunder but off we went and i have to say we were running well. Didn't run as far but ran for 1 1/2 miles and then did a 2 mile stint and still managed to do nearly 5 miles. Lets hope i get good news at Physio Tuesday because time is getting on and we need to work towards increasing the mileage!! Got some races coming up, one is a 10 mile in December so i hope I'm fit!!!
I did take some time back on Thursday and hoped to spend some time out with Tim and Duke but it was the one day of the week which was lousy, typical still here's hoping the week end will be kind. Before you know it i will be back on the treadmill again, not the exercise one either!!!
Well i do feel better for that!!! So maybe, just maybe i will enjoy the weekend, but who knows tomorrow is another day after all!!!
Sunday 23 October 2011
Day 427/428/429/430
Well I'm going to start with a photo of my foot. I have lamented about this injury for so long i have managed to take a snap, so here's hoping!!
Physio taping to support the two tendons on the left and a muscle to the top of the foot!
Anyway i went running Thursday! if you can call it that. I must though cos it was quite an effort.
Managed to run for 3/4 mile and walk for 1/4 mile and did this 4 times and it held up. Roll on next week and hope to do more! We shall see.
I have to say it lifted my spirits and boy did i need that.
It has been a horrible week really, just one thing after another.
The only good thing about this week has been the weather and we have had some lovely days even though a bit chilly.
I was so pleased when Friday came and thought about my much longed for week end.
The problem has been that it went so quickly.
Saturday i spent going out for a bike ride, a lovely long walk with Tim and Duke and then a walk into town. I met a man who knew Tim and hadn't seen him for a while and asked how he was getting on.
To start with he didn't know that Tim had left work following his brain Hemorrhage. He asked how the boys were and didn't know we had lost Mikey. He then said he lost his son several years ago, he was only 32 years old and then lost his wife a few months later. How very very sad. He told me it never goes away, the pain, you just learn to get through the days. In some ways this made feel a little better at least I'm not mad!!
Its been 14 months since we lost Mikey. 14 long sad miserable months, but at least the running is a place to go and forget your troubles. I am concentrating so hard for an hour just to breathe and get along a mile or two!! oh yes and learning to cope with the injury pain barrier!!
Today i went to the Hare Arms for lunch with my sisters and nieces, well at least two of them! and three of the hubbies, Tim decided not to go. It was a lovely day.
A walk this evening and my word the wind was brisk and cold! still the sun was watery but at least still out!
Now its almost time for bed and work in the morning! now how quick was that..
Tom seems happier but has a dreadful cold, i wonder who will be next.
Duke has a new bed and loves it! he looks so snug. How he is growing. He loves cookies!
I have taken so many photos recently and am so pleased i bought the camera, i wonder what happened to Mikes? i think we now have time to reflect and think about lots of things. I expect Claire has now moved on, well we knew that had happened before Mikey died. I wonder if she thinks about him at all, i hope so.
Anyway i am not going down that road again! i must keep remembering that tomorrow is another day!
Physio taping to support the two tendons on the left and a muscle to the top of the foot!
Anyway i went running Thursday! if you can call it that. I must though cos it was quite an effort.
Managed to run for 3/4 mile and walk for 1/4 mile and did this 4 times and it held up. Roll on next week and hope to do more! We shall see.
I have to say it lifted my spirits and boy did i need that.
It has been a horrible week really, just one thing after another.
The only good thing about this week has been the weather and we have had some lovely days even though a bit chilly.
I was so pleased when Friday came and thought about my much longed for week end.
The problem has been that it went so quickly.
Saturday i spent going out for a bike ride, a lovely long walk with Tim and Duke and then a walk into town. I met a man who knew Tim and hadn't seen him for a while and asked how he was getting on.
To start with he didn't know that Tim had left work following his brain Hemorrhage. He asked how the boys were and didn't know we had lost Mikey. He then said he lost his son several years ago, he was only 32 years old and then lost his wife a few months later. How very very sad. He told me it never goes away, the pain, you just learn to get through the days. In some ways this made feel a little better at least I'm not mad!!
Its been 14 months since we lost Mikey. 14 long sad miserable months, but at least the running is a place to go and forget your troubles. I am concentrating so hard for an hour just to breathe and get along a mile or two!! oh yes and learning to cope with the injury pain barrier!!
Today i went to the Hare Arms for lunch with my sisters and nieces, well at least two of them! and three of the hubbies, Tim decided not to go. It was a lovely day.
A walk this evening and my word the wind was brisk and cold! still the sun was watery but at least still out!
Now its almost time for bed and work in the morning! now how quick was that..
Tom seems happier but has a dreadful cold, i wonder who will be next.
Duke has a new bed and loves it! he looks so snug. How he is growing. He loves cookies!
I have taken so many photos recently and am so pleased i bought the camera, i wonder what happened to Mikes? i think we now have time to reflect and think about lots of things. I expect Claire has now moved on, well we knew that had happened before Mikey died. I wonder if she thinks about him at all, i hope so.
Anyway i am not going down that road again! i must keep remembering that tomorrow is another day!
Wednesday 19 October 2011
Day 423.424,425.426
Four days!!! and what a lot has happened!
Sunday, a beautiful day. The fens were glorious and once again wearing their Sunday best. The camera came out and we walked through the drove. 5 minutes walk to get there, how lucky are we. The sun was low and the light just fabulous. I'm no expert yet with the camera but that and the running have given me so much joy. For a short time worries are no more and I'm just absorbed in the beauty that is around me.
I managed the uneven ground without a wince! i felt the ankle was improving. Duke was running free and just enjoying the time out with us.
Tom had recovered from his night out, the joys of being young! And how we miss Mikey!
I wasn't so worried about going to work and happy with the decisions i made. Thank goodness i did!!! Monday was just so extraordinary!! if i wrote a book you would think it was a best selling work of fiction!! I can laugh about it now but i do so wish i could share the events of the say here but i think not!!!
The one thing i can say is that on these occasions we are allowed to run. Run i did even though i was not supposed to.
Tim received a call from work to tell him i wouldn't be home at lunch time and the afternoon just followed the same trend.
Tuesday it was the day of reckoning with my physio. Up early and yes the ankle is improving, more exercises a new strapping and instructions about what i can do and what i cannot. I could run but only for 3 miles and that needed to be interval running. OK that's not so bad i thought, i can manage that. Any increased soreness and i would need to stop and walk. Back to see her in two weeks.
By the time i had finished work i felt it best not to go, the ankle felt sore and i just was not going to risk it. I did that before and it got me into the pickle i am in now. Went for a walk with Tim instead.
Went back to work tonight and stayed till 2am. Meetings with the staff and achieved some stuff.
Feeling positive this morning, action plan and raring to go until, unannounced inspection. Oh lord. Phone call to Tim wont be home for lunch!!!!
Meeting at work this evening and now reflecting on the week.
I am feeling a little more settled and obviously this was laying heavily on me and there is a sense of relief!
Hoping for better things!! Tom seems settled today, always a good thing!! I will go running tomorrow night, especially after watching Run Fat Boy Run tonight on TV. Reminds me that this could be me next year!!!
Lots to organise tomorrow but i can see it as a challenge now not a chore!
Its so cold this evening! almost feel the snow moving towards us, frosty mornings and dragons breath. Love it!!
I am thinking of a friend, she has been such a support to me and i am concerned for her. It just makes you reflect even more that time does not stop, things still happen, other people experience bad times.
Duke
Fen sky
Just caught the birds in flight to. Well to bed, after all tomorrow is another day.
Sunday, a beautiful day. The fens were glorious and once again wearing their Sunday best. The camera came out and we walked through the drove. 5 minutes walk to get there, how lucky are we. The sun was low and the light just fabulous. I'm no expert yet with the camera but that and the running have given me so much joy. For a short time worries are no more and I'm just absorbed in the beauty that is around me.
I managed the uneven ground without a wince! i felt the ankle was improving. Duke was running free and just enjoying the time out with us.
Tom had recovered from his night out, the joys of being young! And how we miss Mikey!
I wasn't so worried about going to work and happy with the decisions i made. Thank goodness i did!!! Monday was just so extraordinary!! if i wrote a book you would think it was a best selling work of fiction!! I can laugh about it now but i do so wish i could share the events of the say here but i think not!!!
The one thing i can say is that on these occasions we are allowed to run. Run i did even though i was not supposed to.
Tim received a call from work to tell him i wouldn't be home at lunch time and the afternoon just followed the same trend.
Tuesday it was the day of reckoning with my physio. Up early and yes the ankle is improving, more exercises a new strapping and instructions about what i can do and what i cannot. I could run but only for 3 miles and that needed to be interval running. OK that's not so bad i thought, i can manage that. Any increased soreness and i would need to stop and walk. Back to see her in two weeks.
By the time i had finished work i felt it best not to go, the ankle felt sore and i just was not going to risk it. I did that before and it got me into the pickle i am in now. Went for a walk with Tim instead.
Went back to work tonight and stayed till 2am. Meetings with the staff and achieved some stuff.
Feeling positive this morning, action plan and raring to go until, unannounced inspection. Oh lord. Phone call to Tim wont be home for lunch!!!!
Meeting at work this evening and now reflecting on the week.
I am feeling a little more settled and obviously this was laying heavily on me and there is a sense of relief!
Hoping for better things!! Tom seems settled today, always a good thing!! I will go running tomorrow night, especially after watching Run Fat Boy Run tonight on TV. Reminds me that this could be me next year!!!
Lots to organise tomorrow but i can see it as a challenge now not a chore!
Its so cold this evening! almost feel the snow moving towards us, frosty mornings and dragons breath. Love it!!
I am thinking of a friend, she has been such a support to me and i am concerned for her. It just makes you reflect even more that time does not stop, things still happen, other people experience bad times.
Duke
Fen sky
Just caught the birds in flight to. Well to bed, after all tomorrow is another day.
Saturday 15 October 2011
DAY 421/422
Phew! Its Saturday. A bit of R and R i hope!
Its been a strange week. I time of ups and downs. Sometimes my head feels as though it belongs to some one else.
The problem is work, and i wish i could stay home all day and just chill, except that will not pay the bills!!
Friday and that was day i revolted! May suffer for that later.
Went out for Chinese with the running club Friday night and had a nice time, Tim didn't want to go though. Tom went out for the night with some friends and had a good time i think.
So today i just pottered about went for a few cycle rides, had a long walk, did my exercises and chatted to a friend on line and put the world to rights. It was good just to do nothing.
Took loads of photos today It was so warm and yet we had a really hard frost this morning. Scrapers out job!!
Tim seemed a bit better today at least we spent some time together. I must book some holdays.
Well i suppose i better get to bed and read the instruction manual for my Garmin because I'm still getting in a muddle with it!
I hope i will get to use it on Tuesday! the foot feels a lot better and no problems after the walk, in fact it feels better that it has for ages.
Tim was talking about Mikey today and how he used to go for walks with him when he was little. It is good to remember but at the same time so hard because you think about what you have lost. I'm looking at his picture now and cant help but smile at it. He was a joy to have.
Ah well tomorrow is another day........................
Its been a strange week. I time of ups and downs. Sometimes my head feels as though it belongs to some one else.
The problem is work, and i wish i could stay home all day and just chill, except that will not pay the bills!!
Friday and that was day i revolted! May suffer for that later.
Went out for Chinese with the running club Friday night and had a nice time, Tim didn't want to go though. Tom went out for the night with some friends and had a good time i think.
So today i just pottered about went for a few cycle rides, had a long walk, did my exercises and chatted to a friend on line and put the world to rights. It was good just to do nothing.
Took loads of photos today It was so warm and yet we had a really hard frost this morning. Scrapers out job!!
Tim seemed a bit better today at least we spent some time together. I must book some holdays.
Well i suppose i better get to bed and read the instruction manual for my Garmin because I'm still getting in a muddle with it!
I hope i will get to use it on Tuesday! the foot feels a lot better and no problems after the walk, in fact it feels better that it has for ages.
Tim was talking about Mikey today and how he used to go for walks with him when he was little. It is good to remember but at the same time so hard because you think about what you have lost. I'm looking at his picture now and cant help but smile at it. He was a joy to have.
Ah well tomorrow is another day........................
Thursday 13 October 2011
Day 419/420
It takes a lot for me to lose my temper and i could probably count the times that has truly happened on one hand but i have come so close today i can feel the other hand starting to itch.
I worked all day yesterday and ended up going in and working all night! After Tuesday i thought things may get a bit better, but sadly that wasn't to be!! Yesterday evening i took the car out and noticed a light stayed on on the dash. Mentioned it to Tim and yep sure as eggs are eggs it was my fault!! Good lord i never did a thing. Poor Tom tried to act as piece maker and we both ended up sitting in the car trying to sort out the problem! Well me and equipment ie technology just do not see eye to eye!! In the end we both sat outside laughing at the whole situation.That was short lived because we had to re enter the house!!!
Anyway i ended up going back to work which solved the problem. Tom found out that its a common thing that happens on the car we have and the light just goes of after 30 Min's, which it did!
So came home this morning tired but pleased with what i had achieved without the phone ringing! Made Tim a cup of tea left him a note to get me up later and hit the sack. Awoke to the phone ringing at 8am a nurse hadn't come in. That was all i needed.
Anyway back to sleep and up at lunch time!
Tim in a good mood yesterday apparently forgotten! Took me back to get a jacket i had my eye on a couple of weeks ago, and believe it or not it was still there. Now how unusual is that.
Home and back to work only to read something that made my blood boil. That was the last straw!!!! I will just have to wait and see about the outcome of that.
Another phone call this afternoon and a headhunter, its looking very tempting at the moment to consider a change, just don't want to make a hasty decision.
Tonight i should have been running but stayed at home, exercising the foot and will get on the exercise bike shortly!!
I know you read this D thanks for the message xxx will try and send you a message over the weekend for the moment though tomorrow is another day!!!
I worked all day yesterday and ended up going in and working all night! After Tuesday i thought things may get a bit better, but sadly that wasn't to be!! Yesterday evening i took the car out and noticed a light stayed on on the dash. Mentioned it to Tim and yep sure as eggs are eggs it was my fault!! Good lord i never did a thing. Poor Tom tried to act as piece maker and we both ended up sitting in the car trying to sort out the problem! Well me and equipment ie technology just do not see eye to eye!! In the end we both sat outside laughing at the whole situation.That was short lived because we had to re enter the house!!!
Anyway i ended up going back to work which solved the problem. Tom found out that its a common thing that happens on the car we have and the light just goes of after 30 Min's, which it did!
So came home this morning tired but pleased with what i had achieved without the phone ringing! Made Tim a cup of tea left him a note to get me up later and hit the sack. Awoke to the phone ringing at 8am a nurse hadn't come in. That was all i needed.
Anyway back to sleep and up at lunch time!
Tim in a good mood yesterday apparently forgotten! Took me back to get a jacket i had my eye on a couple of weeks ago, and believe it or not it was still there. Now how unusual is that.
Home and back to work only to read something that made my blood boil. That was the last straw!!!! I will just have to wait and see about the outcome of that.
Another phone call this afternoon and a headhunter, its looking very tempting at the moment to consider a change, just don't want to make a hasty decision.
Tonight i should have been running but stayed at home, exercising the foot and will get on the exercise bike shortly!!
I know you read this D thanks for the message xxx will try and send you a message over the weekend for the moment though tomorrow is another day!!!
Tuesday 11 October 2011
DAy 416/417/418
Well its not been a good few days. Tim has been really down and i don't know how to help him. Neither Tom or i can do anything right at the moment.
The weekend i spent searching for accommodation for Sue and i in Edinburgh and managed to get that sorted. The ankle has been miserable. Its getting me down now.
Tom has decided to try and find his own place and i cant blame him for that.
Work well that's the same and today it just went downhill during the day!
Went to physio and i have torn two tendons on the outside of the left ankle and torn a muscle on the front of my foot hence the reason why the whole foot is so floppy. Lots of exercises. foot taped and back next week, hoping i can run again.
Lunch time i came hope and Tim was really quiet and just stated to cry. He is missing Mikey very much. I said i didn't know how to help him because i can barely help myself. That running was the only thing that gets me through the week. I cant think on a daily basis and cant think of the future. All i am focusing on is next year and after that i don't know how i will manage. I told him that despite the mickey taking and the negative comments its what is helping me and i don't want to stop. I also said that i have given up swimming, we bought the dog, changed the car and nothing is working. I also said that if Mikey was here what would he think of his dad saying he wanted to die!!! and i cant cope with that.
Tim wont go to the Dr's and said what can they do. I really think he is depressed, but cant get him to see anyone. I just don't know what to do. It would have been his mums birthday yesterday, i don't know if that has made things worse.
Tonight i went running, well to cycle next to Sue and she did really well and managed to keep with everyone so i don't think she needs me now. So i was feeling really fed up and i even felt like crying again and not good to be negative towards Sue. I felt do envious of her achievement tonight and i shouldn't be like that. So i will just have to wait and see if i can catch up.
When i got home i asked Tim if he would help me and i think he will. That just might make him take an interest and even join me! Who's to say. So i was on the exercise bike for an hour, did my foot exercises and decided i really needed to blog. Its a down period for us all.
Mikey's friend Maddie has been with Jack now for a year, its hard to think so much time has passed. Who ever said time heals lied. It doesn't, our loss will be with us for ever and it is almost too much to bear.
Its lonely sitting here writing, Tim and Tom are in bed sleeping, that is certainly something i have doing, the nights are long with only thoughts for company, ah well tomorrow is another day...............
The weekend i spent searching for accommodation for Sue and i in Edinburgh and managed to get that sorted. The ankle has been miserable. Its getting me down now.
Tom has decided to try and find his own place and i cant blame him for that.
Work well that's the same and today it just went downhill during the day!
Went to physio and i have torn two tendons on the outside of the left ankle and torn a muscle on the front of my foot hence the reason why the whole foot is so floppy. Lots of exercises. foot taped and back next week, hoping i can run again.
Lunch time i came hope and Tim was really quiet and just stated to cry. He is missing Mikey very much. I said i didn't know how to help him because i can barely help myself. That running was the only thing that gets me through the week. I cant think on a daily basis and cant think of the future. All i am focusing on is next year and after that i don't know how i will manage. I told him that despite the mickey taking and the negative comments its what is helping me and i don't want to stop. I also said that i have given up swimming, we bought the dog, changed the car and nothing is working. I also said that if Mikey was here what would he think of his dad saying he wanted to die!!! and i cant cope with that.
Tim wont go to the Dr's and said what can they do. I really think he is depressed, but cant get him to see anyone. I just don't know what to do. It would have been his mums birthday yesterday, i don't know if that has made things worse.
Tonight i went running, well to cycle next to Sue and she did really well and managed to keep with everyone so i don't think she needs me now. So i was feeling really fed up and i even felt like crying again and not good to be negative towards Sue. I felt do envious of her achievement tonight and i shouldn't be like that. So i will just have to wait and see if i can catch up.
When i got home i asked Tim if he would help me and i think he will. That just might make him take an interest and even join me! Who's to say. So i was on the exercise bike for an hour, did my foot exercises and decided i really needed to blog. Its a down period for us all.
Mikey's friend Maddie has been with Jack now for a year, its hard to think so much time has passed. Who ever said time heals lied. It doesn't, our loss will be with us for ever and it is almost too much to bear.
Its lonely sitting here writing, Tim and Tom are in bed sleeping, that is certainly something i have doing, the nights are long with only thoughts for company, ah well tomorrow is another day...............
Saturday 8 October 2011
DAY 414/415
Two days!!
Friday a visit to the Dr's, foot not broken, um well i think i guessed that. However he thinks its the tendons oh yeah and it was the right foot last time? i honestly thought it was the same foot. Suggested physio. I could wait for a couple of weeks for the appointment to come or go private!! I have an appointment Tuesday!
I have spent today searching for accommodation in Edinburgh for the Marathon next year! Early? well apparently not because its the Edinburgh festival next year so places are being taken very quickly!
Its been a miserable day today, drizzle most of the day and so cold.
I cant run and cant walk far so i have been out on my bike. Still haven't received my running gear which i ordered over a week ago! i have chased that order up today as well.
Duke is growing so quickly and it looks as if he will be a giant of a dog, oops!! he is outgrowing his bed and his overnight pen!!
I wonder if Mikey can look down and see what we are all doing. I hope so, i guess we all have to have something to believe in to get us through the days. I do sometimes question life, and to what purpose are we here for. There seems to be some sort of restriction on us mere mortals otherwise we would live forever. Why don't we?
The picture widens and the question then is why do some people live for a short time, why is there illness why is there cruelty. Is it all about fate, are we part of some great tapestry. I wonder!
Not a philosopher but when a trauma occurs in your life you change, not always for the best. I look back over the past twelve months and i am certainly not the person i was or the person i was to become. What does the future hold for me? to be honest i longer care. What will be will be. There is no control. All we can do is live one day to the next. Why do we worry at all? yet we do and will continue to do so. Even when we know there is no point.
Regrets do i have any, oh yes but when you make decisions you have to live with them and accept the consequences. This is something i am able to do strangely enough.
If we have a second shot at life, and come back for that second innings how will we know, and how can we be the person we cant be in this lifetime. My hope is that Mikey will come back as the person he was in a fit and healthy body. To be able to enjoy life and most importantly to be able to breathe easy. Yes, that would be my wish.
Am i now living in a fantasy world, well who really knows. Am i in a dream, how can we tell. If i am lets hope i run the marathon next year well and then do several more!! Ha the list would be endless.
I better get to bed i suppose and wake up to reality? ah well tomorrow is another day......................
Friday a visit to the Dr's, foot not broken, um well i think i guessed that. However he thinks its the tendons oh yeah and it was the right foot last time? i honestly thought it was the same foot. Suggested physio. I could wait for a couple of weeks for the appointment to come or go private!! I have an appointment Tuesday!
I have spent today searching for accommodation in Edinburgh for the Marathon next year! Early? well apparently not because its the Edinburgh festival next year so places are being taken very quickly!
Its been a miserable day today, drizzle most of the day and so cold.
I cant run and cant walk far so i have been out on my bike. Still haven't received my running gear which i ordered over a week ago! i have chased that order up today as well.
Duke is growing so quickly and it looks as if he will be a giant of a dog, oops!! he is outgrowing his bed and his overnight pen!!
I wonder if Mikey can look down and see what we are all doing. I hope so, i guess we all have to have something to believe in to get us through the days. I do sometimes question life, and to what purpose are we here for. There seems to be some sort of restriction on us mere mortals otherwise we would live forever. Why don't we?
The picture widens and the question then is why do some people live for a short time, why is there illness why is there cruelty. Is it all about fate, are we part of some great tapestry. I wonder!
Not a philosopher but when a trauma occurs in your life you change, not always for the best. I look back over the past twelve months and i am certainly not the person i was or the person i was to become. What does the future hold for me? to be honest i longer care. What will be will be. There is no control. All we can do is live one day to the next. Why do we worry at all? yet we do and will continue to do so. Even when we know there is no point.
Regrets do i have any, oh yes but when you make decisions you have to live with them and accept the consequences. This is something i am able to do strangely enough.
If we have a second shot at life, and come back for that second innings how will we know, and how can we be the person we cant be in this lifetime. My hope is that Mikey will come back as the person he was in a fit and healthy body. To be able to enjoy life and most importantly to be able to breathe easy. Yes, that would be my wish.
Am i now living in a fantasy world, well who really knows. Am i in a dream, how can we tell. If i am lets hope i run the marathon next year well and then do several more!! Ha the list would be endless.
I better get to bed i suppose and wake up to reality? ah well tomorrow is another day......................
Thursday 6 October 2011
DAY 413
Can it be that many days i have been blogging? It seems as if i have only blinked since then.
Today the weather has changed so dramatically its been so windy and cold. Cant believe a few days ago we were basking in an Indian summer!! The weather is as fickle as men!!
I spent last night with my leg elevated in bed. All this time and i forgot Mikey's bed elevated electronically at the foot end! i don't think that part of the bed was ever used. The pillow end most certainly. So i was quite surprised that the ankle wasn't as painful this morning. I have been able to walk more comfortably anyway.
Work, nothing new very much the same as the past few days.
This evening went for my run, except i didn't!!! i cycled the route with Sue. Sure enough she wouldn't have gone if i hadn't, she did really well! Tim was pleased that i didn't run and said it made sense that i started to look after it instead of just putting up with the pain and risking a much longer time out. Anyway back to the Dr's tomorrow morning!!!
Tom seemed a bit brighter in himself and that made me feel a bit better. Still he does have so much to sort out what with his property in Doncaster etc. No doubt he will get around to making a decision about it.
Just been checking train times for Monday and it appears we have to catch a train just after 6am!!! will discuss that with Bev in the morning.
So i am sitting here now with the wind howling and the rain lashing against the windows. Let Duke out and the car port is full of leaves. Autumn is here with a vengeance.
How strange that misery appears to have gone on to other prey, i don't suppose i satisfy her appetite at the moment. Christmas is coming though and i do hope that this year we can remember how Mikey enjoyed the season. I know that by now he has usually begun his Christmas shopping, well he would probably be almost finished it. Mikey was always prepared and organised. Tom no doubt will be looking for things as the shops are closing on Xmas eve, and not bother with the wrapping!! Its bizarre that the tread of speech changes from past to present when we talk about him, forgetting he is no longer with us and yet in the next breath remembering he isn't.
Thinking about Mikey i cant accept that he isn't here. I talk about him and know that he isn't but the reality is that my heart wont accept and my mind does. I don't know its a really odd thing. I am sure that i will die still not having come to term with it. Still who's to say what the future holds. I wonder sometimes if I'm going slightly mad, in the words of one of Queens songs 'im only knitting on one needle' What a state of affairs, should i be lose in the world.
Well i better get the bed ready!!! and the ice pack and prepare to heal!!! in the meantime i will try to post some more photos
Just thought i would add some pics of one of our running routes. Lucky to have such lovely scenery. The winter routes are not as scenic though!!
Well to bed and remembering that tomorrow is another day.........................
Today the weather has changed so dramatically its been so windy and cold. Cant believe a few days ago we were basking in an Indian summer!! The weather is as fickle as men!!
I spent last night with my leg elevated in bed. All this time and i forgot Mikey's bed elevated electronically at the foot end! i don't think that part of the bed was ever used. The pillow end most certainly. So i was quite surprised that the ankle wasn't as painful this morning. I have been able to walk more comfortably anyway.
Work, nothing new very much the same as the past few days.
This evening went for my run, except i didn't!!! i cycled the route with Sue. Sure enough she wouldn't have gone if i hadn't, she did really well! Tim was pleased that i didn't run and said it made sense that i started to look after it instead of just putting up with the pain and risking a much longer time out. Anyway back to the Dr's tomorrow morning!!!
Tom seemed a bit brighter in himself and that made me feel a bit better. Still he does have so much to sort out what with his property in Doncaster etc. No doubt he will get around to making a decision about it.
Just been checking train times for Monday and it appears we have to catch a train just after 6am!!! will discuss that with Bev in the morning.
So i am sitting here now with the wind howling and the rain lashing against the windows. Let Duke out and the car port is full of leaves. Autumn is here with a vengeance.
How strange that misery appears to have gone on to other prey, i don't suppose i satisfy her appetite at the moment. Christmas is coming though and i do hope that this year we can remember how Mikey enjoyed the season. I know that by now he has usually begun his Christmas shopping, well he would probably be almost finished it. Mikey was always prepared and organised. Tom no doubt will be looking for things as the shops are closing on Xmas eve, and not bother with the wrapping!! Its bizarre that the tread of speech changes from past to present when we talk about him, forgetting he is no longer with us and yet in the next breath remembering he isn't.
Thinking about Mikey i cant accept that he isn't here. I talk about him and know that he isn't but the reality is that my heart wont accept and my mind does. I don't know its a really odd thing. I am sure that i will die still not having come to term with it. Still who's to say what the future holds. I wonder sometimes if I'm going slightly mad, in the words of one of Queens songs 'im only knitting on one needle' What a state of affairs, should i be lose in the world.
Well i better get the bed ready!!! and the ice pack and prepare to heal!!! in the meantime i will try to post some more photos
Just thought i would add some pics of one of our running routes. Lucky to have such lovely scenery. The winter routes are not as scenic though!!
Well to bed and remembering that tomorrow is another day.........................
Wednesday 5 October 2011
Day 410.411,412
Oh my word, my ankle has really gone this time!! Stupid stupid me and i have the marathon to train for!! Ah well i will just have to get it 100% this time and then train harder when I'm fully fit!!!
My fault for going running Tuesday and knowing it wasn't right. I feel so damn miserable about it. Doctors tomorrow i think.
Its just that i keep thinking that after all Mikey went through a little bit of ankle pain is nothing.
Monday and work again. The pace is increasing not getting slower and i just haven't stopped now for three days. The work is relentless but i suppose you only get out of the job what you put in.
Tuesday, well i think i have said all there needs to say about that! Well not really. I was approached to apply for one of the club places for the London marathon but decided not to, but how kind! Anyway i have agreed to volunteer to man the water station in a race in November. Bet i will be cod froze on the day! Still all in a good cause. Sue and i was late getting back from our run, due to my ankle and they were worried about us! Thursday in going on my bike and i will cycle round with Sue otherwise she will not go!! that's not fair, i will just have to put in more effort later. I think I'm going on about this rather a lot!!
Mikey would be so surprised at what I'm doing and i think a little proud of me. Tim's being really supportive as well.
Sues been checking up on hotels and we have decided to stay for two nights somewhere a little special for a treat!! we will need it.
I'm off to London on Monday GSF awareness and to sign up for that i hope. Palliative care!!! i may find it a tad difficult but we shall see.
Thursday I'm at Ely for the afternoon. Its such a job catching up though when you have time out of the office. Thank goodness Carols coming back for a few hours each day!! that will be a huge help and at least shift some of the paperwork which is almost grabbing me by the throat each day.
The week off was good and i do feel more energised, although I'm not sure how long that will last!!!
Duke , well i came home for lunch and just sat down when he launched himself at me, taking me and the chair over!!! specs were at a very strange angle and my lunch was heading south!! More control needed i think, but he is getting so big!
The evenings are getting darker now and winter suddenly seems to be approaching at a rapid rate of knots! how quickly our weather changes. The fens are being to look very sad again. The fields have been harvested and the old muck spreading has started. There is a definite whiff to the air now at night times.
Got to start planning my page for just giving ready to beg for support for the big run next year. All proceeds will go to the CF unit at Papworth. Have so much to do and so little time! never mind.
I wonder if i can magically mend the ankle overnight? used to believe in all that but now, no..
I have Mikey's picture of Freddie Mercury ready to go up on the wall. a job for Tim i think!
Photos lets see if i can put a few on tonight, her goes nothing.................
Well at least a got a few on!!! trying to get the rest on was like pulling teeth!
But tomorrow is another day..........................
My fault for going running Tuesday and knowing it wasn't right. I feel so damn miserable about it. Doctors tomorrow i think.
Its just that i keep thinking that after all Mikey went through a little bit of ankle pain is nothing.
Monday and work again. The pace is increasing not getting slower and i just haven't stopped now for three days. The work is relentless but i suppose you only get out of the job what you put in.
Tuesday, well i think i have said all there needs to say about that! Well not really. I was approached to apply for one of the club places for the London marathon but decided not to, but how kind! Anyway i have agreed to volunteer to man the water station in a race in November. Bet i will be cod froze on the day! Still all in a good cause. Sue and i was late getting back from our run, due to my ankle and they were worried about us! Thursday in going on my bike and i will cycle round with Sue otherwise she will not go!! that's not fair, i will just have to put in more effort later. I think I'm going on about this rather a lot!!
Mikey would be so surprised at what I'm doing and i think a little proud of me. Tim's being really supportive as well.
Sues been checking up on hotels and we have decided to stay for two nights somewhere a little special for a treat!! we will need it.
I'm off to London on Monday GSF awareness and to sign up for that i hope. Palliative care!!! i may find it a tad difficult but we shall see.
Thursday I'm at Ely for the afternoon. Its such a job catching up though when you have time out of the office. Thank goodness Carols coming back for a few hours each day!! that will be a huge help and at least shift some of the paperwork which is almost grabbing me by the throat each day.
The week off was good and i do feel more energised, although I'm not sure how long that will last!!!
Duke , well i came home for lunch and just sat down when he launched himself at me, taking me and the chair over!!! specs were at a very strange angle and my lunch was heading south!! More control needed i think, but he is getting so big!
The evenings are getting darker now and winter suddenly seems to be approaching at a rapid rate of knots! how quickly our weather changes. The fens are being to look very sad again. The fields have been harvested and the old muck spreading has started. There is a definite whiff to the air now at night times.
Got to start planning my page for just giving ready to beg for support for the big run next year. All proceeds will go to the CF unit at Papworth. Have so much to do and so little time! never mind.
I wonder if i can magically mend the ankle overnight? used to believe in all that but now, no..
I have Mikey's picture of Freddie Mercury ready to go up on the wall. a job for Tim i think!
Photos lets see if i can put a few on tonight, her goes nothing.................
Well at least a got a few on!!! trying to get the rest on was like pulling teeth!
But tomorrow is another day..........................
Sunday 2 October 2011
Day 406/407/408/409
Oh dear yet another few days of missed blogging!!
Mikey has been so much in our thoughts these last few days. Its an Indian summer and Mikey loved the sun. The events over the last few days would I'm sure have had him making some very funny remarks! Even Tom has been smiling. Well today at least because he has been in bed for two days with the flu or a very nasty virus! He is much better today.
Tim went and fetched the car for me on Thursday so i had a few hours to myself and it was grand! I received a magazine through the post from virgin. Thinking it was just that a mag i didn't take much notice until later when i realised it was a condolence information pack. I didnt get a place in the London marathon. I was so upset. The club is given two places and we could put a case to them and see if i met the criteria.
At the club tonight it seemed none of the people we knew had got a place.
I have given applying for the place a lot of thought but Mikey would have hated it if i had told our story about how brave he was and how he lost the battle against Cf. I recall Xfactor and he disliked those contestants who had a sob story and he would say they are only doing it for the votes. So we applied this weekend for the Edinburgh marathon, and Sue and i have got a place!!! So May 27th next year we are off to Scotland. They have hills!!! which means Sue and i will have to practice hills and we only have one in town and that goes over the railway lines. Does that count??
That's my something new for October sorted.
So i have spent the rest of the week having a trip to the coast getting soaking wet feet trying to walk on the sand at Wells with my dodgy ankle! Still awaiting my brace, i hope its here for Tuesday!!
Internet shopping hooray!! at last got the hang of it.
Today i spent putting a non slip protective cover in the back of the car for Duke.
I now have one job to complete and that's put Mickeys print of Freddie Mercury in the frame i bought today. Put some photos on, that will be tomorrow
Work!!! ah well tomorrow is another day!!!
Mikey has been so much in our thoughts these last few days. Its an Indian summer and Mikey loved the sun. The events over the last few days would I'm sure have had him making some very funny remarks! Even Tom has been smiling. Well today at least because he has been in bed for two days with the flu or a very nasty virus! He is much better today.
Tim went and fetched the car for me on Thursday so i had a few hours to myself and it was grand! I received a magazine through the post from virgin. Thinking it was just that a mag i didn't take much notice until later when i realised it was a condolence information pack. I didnt get a place in the London marathon. I was so upset. The club is given two places and we could put a case to them and see if i met the criteria.
At the club tonight it seemed none of the people we knew had got a place.
I have given applying for the place a lot of thought but Mikey would have hated it if i had told our story about how brave he was and how he lost the battle against Cf. I recall Xfactor and he disliked those contestants who had a sob story and he would say they are only doing it for the votes. So we applied this weekend for the Edinburgh marathon, and Sue and i have got a place!!! So May 27th next year we are off to Scotland. They have hills!!! which means Sue and i will have to practice hills and we only have one in town and that goes over the railway lines. Does that count??
That's my something new for October sorted.
So i have spent the rest of the week having a trip to the coast getting soaking wet feet trying to walk on the sand at Wells with my dodgy ankle! Still awaiting my brace, i hope its here for Tuesday!!
Internet shopping hooray!! at last got the hang of it.
Today i spent putting a non slip protective cover in the back of the car for Duke.
I now have one job to complete and that's put Mickeys print of Freddie Mercury in the frame i bought today. Put some photos on, that will be tomorrow
Work!!! ah well tomorrow is another day!!!
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