Day 497/498

Oops 2 days again!!! and today it was suggested i should make a resolution regarding getting things done on time!!! although i don't think blogging was the thing in question!! hey ho.

So yesterday and today work wise really have been a continuation of the start of the week and i am so pleased its the week end having said that the calls started an hour after i got home!! Tim just looked tonight and didn't say a word but i can imagine what was going on in his mind.

So i will leave that thorny beast called work alone and wait for Tuesday because i forgot i am off till Tuesday. Some recovery time may be in order though.

The run last night really went to plan. We did the 3 mile run and Sue coped well so all ready for tomorrow. Good gracious and the piper at 8.5k should give us some indication where we are going!!! and its raining tonight! Cant grumble because its the heat that we really do not like. I'm going to start wearing the suit i bought to exercise in, i look like an oven ready turkey in it but it does help to get you used to being hot and sheds a few pounds in the process. I only use it indoors!!!
It takes ages to squeeze into and even longer to peel off that in itself is as good as a workout!!

Tomorrow is the end of another year and i have my lanterns to send off for Mikey i just hope Tim stays up to help me send them on their way unlike last year when i was talking to Tom on the phone and nearly set light to next doors dog kennel! Ah well.

                                                                         The park looked good for December

                                                                 Tim and Tom Xmas day

                                                                Tom still on the phone!!!!

Computer is so slow!!! hope to get some pictures of the race tomorrow and try to put on! best get to bed as it will soon be morning gulp.

                                                     
                                                       
                                              

Days 489/490/491/492/493/494/495/496

Its been over a week and to be honest i just wish i could have closed my eyes last Tuesday and woke today. I feel ashamed to say i have felt like that but i am only human even though a very selfish one to think like that. Where do my caring feelings for hubby and son Tom come into things. It does make me feel worse seeing it written down in black and white. You know people never cease to amaze me.
Tim didn't get one call from any of his family over Christmas, that says something surely.
Tom well bless him only my sisters thought of him. How sad is that. Tom said he didn't care but I'm sure he was as hurt as i was for him. If i start down that road again i just know the healing process will undo, that's if its begun!!!!
Friends and family and all that i guess.

Its been a rotten time and as hard as i tried to put some effort into the day. no it didn't work. It didn't help that i had to go into work on Christmas eve and be there till the early hours. Tim had gone to bed by the time i got home and Tom asked on Christmas day if i would be there for the day or not and he may as well be at home on his own rather than come out and i not be here. I think that says how the family feel about work. Oh to be a nurse!!! It just never stops. Maybe next year i should book up for us to go away some where.

You know it just makes you feel sick in the stomach thinking about whats missing in our lives, and who says time heals, they lied!!!

Maybe its just the Christmas thing and that's made everything worse. It seems that on some days you can get along OK you can laugh, you can smile, you can remember some of the good times and then it seems so hard because we remember what we have lost.
I knew if i was to sit here i would end up wailing and moaning and weeping and sure enough here i sit doing all of those things. Yes i am feeling sorry for myself!

Will the next year be any better, can i and dare i hope so.

So whats been normal!!! running i have still kept going even without my running buddy. Sue is off to see the surgeon on the 3rd of Jan oh dear i hope its not bad news!! but i saw her recently and she will run tomorrow, only a short run and save herself for Saturday!! several people would have had her ticket though!!! I'm off to physio for an early appointment tomorrow and for strapping!! ankle is still not right!!! and the appointment for scan still not through, i will chase that up i think. I have a wobble board now to practise with. Um not so good with that! can hardly stay aboard for a few minutes.

Went for a walk yesterday and didn't take the camera, only to see a fox running across the fields being chased by a flock of crows!!! what a sight it was. All this time i have lived in the fens the first time i have ever seen such a sight. Then the whale that beached at Hunstanton, missed that too!! I'm getting very slow indeed!!

Saturday we are being piped home on the run by a piper from the Black Watch, what a treat, i must make sure i save myself for that piece of the run!!!! and hope its not raining and not too cold. Am i asking for too much!.

It will soon be the Olympic run , then the marathon and would you believe the run in December in Spain and yep I'm going to go!!! Mikey would be so amazed but pleased I'm actually doing something with my life even if it is a little late!! Which means i must send for my passport!!! i have been saying that for a year now so must do that as my task for January!!

I have managed to download all the pictures!!! yay so tomorrow to put them on this blog!!! and get back to my daily off loading. I sure felt better when i did that i really need to remind myself that tomorrow is another day.....................

Day 486/487/488

So much for all those words!! here i am doing a three day blog again! Am i feeling positive? well if you had asked me that 10 hours ago i would have said no but now. Just had a pep chat with my friend on line and that helps!!

So Sunday thick frost but up early to run!! No Sue but my lovely nephew Luke ran with me. Also ran was one of the faster ladies who said she would run with us for company. Not many braved the ice and cold.

Cant believe the run really. I said to Luke we would do the Tues route in the light!!! and we fairly flew round amazing for me and the ankle held up. The new method of running seems to be working. 5.45 miles. Felt positive but still worried about the ankle.

Such a brisk day that Tim and i went for a good walk with Duke about 8 miles i think and then another walk in the evening!! We are really missing Mikey and need to be doing something.

Monday, humph!!! do i need to say any more really, thank goodness i have tomorrow off!!


Physio first thing this morning!! re taped, and it does seem to be getting better dare i say!! but need to really exercise it and do all the stretching. Will have it taped again on the 29th ready for the race, just for support and then off in the new year! as i have to strengthen it some more

Went to Lynn today and the traffic was horrendous and so was the parking!! not used to parking an estate in a packed car park, new experience. Spent hours walking around by myself. Not really shopping just looking and remembering, still go to buy Mike a present, came out of a music shop with AFI Sing the Sorrow CD!! the shop assistant said you have diverse tastes as she rung them up, could hardly say oh i don't want that one now! i had CD for Tim. Seal, one for me and AFI ah well praps i will listen to it and run to it if its got some go in it which i am sure it will have!!! who knows i may become a fan. I have heard some of their tracks and its been rather deep and very sad, so maybe this will be different, mind you the title does not bode well!

Running tonight and again hardly anyone there, thank goodness for Luke, but we ran with another gentleman and we did well again! beat Sundays time and ran for 5.65miles!! looking good for new years eve!! Think i have lost my Garmin, i hope not!!!! maybe left it at the club.

And tonight, i had a lovely message from one of Mikey's friends, how kind that she thought of us. It really means so much
To late to put the pics on not but, tomorrow is another day...............

Day 485

My word not missed a day! cant remember the last time that happened. Woke up early to a heavy frost and Tim and Duke had already headed out across the fields!! Thought about going for a run, thought mind you. The ankle feels a bit iffy again, i just hope this time it holds up. Heard from Sue all being well she will be running on Tuesday, but she is being referred to a surgeon!!! good gracious what a pair we are.

Tim decided to give me a pep talk about how unready i am for the marathon and how i should be out every day training!!! well that's not what my training plan says but hey ho what do the experts know lol. Anyway i think he could see i was getting rather depressed about his comments! I'm just going to keep on with what I'm doing. Progress is being made after all. Tomorrow i need to do a bit longer than the training nights with the club. Its on a Sunday when the runs become more intense. I sound like some athlete instead of a mum just giving it a go. Still onwards and upwards. I must remember to pop the joint in the oven before i leave in the morning!!!

I do need to spend more time on my stretching exercises so from next week I'm going to go to bed earlier and get up in time to do them before i go to work. I need to get all the ones out for my back, the hamstring and the ankle and calf. Blow me what a lot of injuries i have had this year! Surely the new year has to be better.

Tom came to see us again today and we went to check out a new TV, didn't get one, couldn't decide!!! no change there then.
Every day at the moment is an effort for me, i suppose its the time of the year, really should send some cards but just cannot drum up the enthusiasm. Maybe next year will be better. Unless i make an effort it wont be though. Ah well does it really matter?

May run abroad next year, Tim said only if i get the passport. I have been saying all year i will do it but still not bothered. That's what it is, not bothered. Humph, need to get a grip and decide whats important and whats not! Treacle!!!!! that's what my feet are in or is it sand? and that's where my head is?

You know its odd but having lost Mikey to CF, we have been lost to CF itself. It really is as if we have ceased to exist. Its weird but the USA seem to have a more positive outlook and caring attitude to those who have lost. Britain appears to cater for those who are raising awareness of the disease and fund raising etc but no after care for parents, certainly nothing i have found anyway.

Well no pics!!! no time but definitely on my next blog. So to bed, up early for my run gulp!!!! hats and gloves out and thermal undies, not a pretty sight, but that's for the morning after all tomorrow is another day........................

Day 483/484

Two days! well its an improvement!

Woke up today to snow!!! i knew it was cold yesterday!

Went out to managers Xmas meal. Nice seeing E and it was then as i was looking around the table that i realised that i was amongst strangers. All of the others came in around the same time and here was E and i almost the last of the old order standing, and E was struggling. That made me sad because if she is having problems then lord help every one else.

Home fairly late and then out for a run and there were only a few of us. Sue couldn't run tonight because she was injured, her groins, i hope she will be fit for next week. So i thought i would be running alone until this lovely man came in and said oh good someone to run with. i will run with you. Panic!!! im not up to your pace says i, don't worry he said i will run with you and just tell me when you need to rest or stop.

My goodness we set off at a good pace and i thought you know what, i cant remember him being this fast when i have been following the group. Still i did well and just paused briefly before moving on again. I asked if we could do the short route because of my ankle sure he said. Anyway got to the point where we have always gone and he turned left oh no this is even further!!! but kept up and had a walk when the ankle started to feel sore.. On the way back the lights were on the gates as a train was coming. Praise be!! a rest i said, you are going a bit fast for me. Oh, he said, i thought you was running well and i was keeping up with you!!! blast me we set ourselves a good old pace through a misunderstanding!! 5 miles in 57 Min's!! not bad! But it really was cold, you could feel it through the gloves and hat i was wearing.

Today was manic and we just didn't have a minute and still not got all the jobs done i needed to do. I am so disappointed in people and how lacking in honesty they are. Feet should be firmly in one camp not one foot in two camps!! just does not work and at sometime that will come up and bite the person! Still its Friday thank goodness and a weekend off.
 Tom popped round today, he looks well and wants to borrow the carpet cleaner for the week end. He had to take Rocky to the vets tonight. All is well though just change his diet.

So tonight just stayed in and became a couch potato for the evening!! and I'm sitting here with a hot cup of coffee and a fleecy pair of Jammie's on. snug. I have a good book to read and will soon climb in for a well deserved rest!

I am off on Tuesday and will be going shopping for the day by myself!!

Mikey is very much in our thoughts and maybe that's why we just cant find anything to say. I hope it will be dry and frosty tomorrow and we can get out for a nice long walk with Duke. Our days just roll into each other, tomorrows are just another day to get through and time is measured by those words each time i sit here. Yesterdays become today's, tomorrows become todays and all our today's become yesterdays and tomorrows!!!! how odd. Meaningless.

I have been searching the web site about our New Years Eve run and its a time limited race. Oops i haven't had chance to tell Sue that yet. Still she has a better endurance level that me, so I'm sure we will be fine, but its only two weeks away!!  Wonder if Sue will be able to run on Sunday? and is she doing too much!

Got some more photos to put on, haven't the time now, but tomorrow is another day.................

Day 480/481/482

Three days, imagine this manic tiny person jumping up and down, fists clenched red face and wearing this ferocious scowl. That's me, furious because i have let other things get in front of my needs and desires. OK so i just want to blog, but its important to me!!
Monday, what can i say. I really do dislike Mondays so much to catch up on from the weekend. Its a hard life, or is it. Surely its poor personal time management. So I'm rubbish at time management!! but you know what i never used to be.
And its cold!!!
Tuesday physio early, and I'm running wrong! need to change my style as I'm running on my toes, hence ankle problems. Strapped again but all being well they will be removed after Xmas. Well after the New Years Eve run and also i will be able to complete a whole run!! fingers crossed. Anyway ran Tuesday night and tried to remember what i was told, and in fact i ran faster and further!! and no pains in the calf's! The wind was so strong as well so high hopes for Thursday. Um the ankle is a bit painful, i hope that's just because of the ultra sound cos it felt so good last night.

Popped to see Tom and took his washing, cant be bad, he has a personal laundry service now! it was really windy out at his, literally howling, it was quite scary in the car until i realised it was the wind getting under the roof rack!!

Today actually felt like Monday. A horrible day and so fed up with attitudes. People must get a grip!!! so work again till 2130hrs and Tim getting a tad fed up again.

Its cold and wet again!!! and talks of snow for tomorrow. Well if it does it will be our first snow run!!

Out tomorrow all day and i haven't the time to take out of the office, will i ever catch up? i suppose i will have to wait and see. Too cloudy at the moment to see the meteor shower that's due, ah well next time maybe.
Tim's in bed, Dukes asleep and i can see a good read coming, i still do not sleep well.
I found out the road was blocked at the weekend due to a fatal accident young 24 year old man has been hit by a van. I feel for his parents.

Oops i have the present to wrap to take tomorrow better get it done i suppose. Not really interested in doing it but there you go.  The only positive thing is at least, tomorrow is another day.................................

Day 476/477/478/479

Yep another 4 days. What is it that results in days getting missed. Tim says work is taking over and i think it is. I don't go swimming now and yet those two days are just swallowed up. How odd.

Anyway physio this morning and things are definitely improving at last!!! another tape up, calf's de knotted! and back next week with my kit just to see if I'm running wrongly, but fit to run tonight.

Work and my boss in! to do a review so cant get home for lunch and then blow me if we didn't get a surprise visit from the company auditor and he was there till nearly six!! so home and quick change and out to run. Had to go in the car as no time to cycle. Just got to the club and we were called to run, still going up the road trying to get my watch on and trying to turn on my high viz lights!!! not a good start. So no lunch and no tea.
It was cold and wet and we needed to really keep focused. Still we did well considering the long run Sunday.

Friday, yet again another visit from the boss!! but the report from the auditor was good, that's a positive anyway.
Had to go back to work this evening to take photos of carol service. Tim not best pleased. Then another call just before midnight and called in again and didn't get home till 0230hrs!! worn out!!!

Saturday just passed in a blur and was determined to get up early today for a run, um only half worked out. Still it was a miserable day and decided to head off to Ely to try and get a running shirt, cant get a thing in town!! The scenery was grim! so bleak and grey, the road closed off just up the road, and accident i think. Someone is in for a very sad Christmas.

Everywhere is dull and lifeless even the green winter wheat shoots look sad. The trees are bare and just look like skeletal arms and fingers pointing upwards. The only positive was Ely Cathedral. the grand old lady of the fens standing proud in the distance like a beacon guiding us all to safety. Plenty of parking spaces!!! managed to get what i wanted and home for lunch. A quick trip to Staples and it was evening.

Decided to go for a run before it rained again, only a short one just round the block a couple of miles.

And that's my week end gone.

My blogs are becoming memory points of my days! and that's not what i want. I hoped that i would be able to look back and understand how this grieving process worked and that's not whats happening, is it? Just mundane ramblings of a woman getting through the days the best way she can. That's it isn't it, there seems to be no soul in my writing, when did that go! Its true what they say you work to live, not live to work but i feel sure that's how my life is now. How can i turn myself around again! I do want to, so its a promise to myself, a new year and another new me. I'm changing almost yearly!! Who am i? who do i want to be? i cant answer either.

This week almost every day accounted for! and then it will be a week till Christmas still no cards sent out again and no Dec's up. Luckily we talked about it again today and Tim feels the same. Cards have come through he door and they sit on the table. I think Tim will try and take me out for a run over Christmas, or drop me off somewhere and hope i can find my own way home!! We will see. Oh good lord we have the new years eve run to do, best get some more practise in!!! Well its cold and i need to get some sleep cant think about next week but tomorrow, is another day................

Day 475

Gosh just read yesterdays account! spelling up the shoot, well i was having a bad evening, that's my excuse.

Today i feel mellow, odd really just so laid back I'm virtually horizontal!! cant begin to imagine  what has bought that on.
Work today has bought even more changes and if I'm struggling I'm sure everyone else is. Not negotiable apparently! No Christmas spirit.

Yet again i cant drum up enthusiasm for Xmas, no cards done, no presents, nothing. Time is getting on but no interest at all. Mikey loved Christmas and would have done all his shopping and have the pressies all  wrapped by now. So organised and always gave a lot of thought about his purchases. Gosh i miss him.

Tonight i was chilling really Tim watching football. Tom came round for a cup of tea!! how nice was that. Tom said he had friends round to see him last night and i don't think that has happened since he moved away 3 years ago!! lets hope that is a sign of things to come. A bit of social life.

Its so cold!!! really wintry and i wore my boots for the first time this season. Sure of cold times to come.
Physio in the morning! ankle really seems to be on the mend! not right but so much more comfortable. Legs remain sore but that was from the massage last week. I wonder if i will get another tomorrow. Ouch!! Running tomorrow night and i cant wait to see how i feel after the long run! I'm feeling kind of positive. I do hope that's not going to be a mistake. Sue may have gone out for a morning run today with her sister, and i will need to squeeze in another run this week as well.

Just trying out the garmin!! if only i knew how to work it properly i may well have had the route saved on Sunday, ah well perhaps next year!

So to bed, tomorrow is another day..............................

Day 474

Why, why why, just when you think things are OK are you hit with such a ferocious bout of sadness. I guess misery found me, always laying in wait and ready to ponce. Well she caught me tonight and once again i was wrapped in her black shroud of grief. There are times when you just cant accept whats happened and if you don't think about it well it hasn't happened. Its all a delusion of course!
Getting ready to give my account of the run on Sunday and just listened to AFI Morning Star. Mikeys fave group and one of the songs i know he listened to. The words haunted me tonight and i felt such sadness for him and wished i could have known how he was feeling and given him some comfort, for that i will always be sad..
Its been 16 months at at this very minute it feels as if it has only just happened. Its such an overwhelming feeling. Maybe its the time of year, i don't know. It doesn't matter what you do to try to remain positive and keep busy do what ever it takes to get through the days, you don't! It just looks like it to others. How good do we become at pretending, ah well we only show the world the part of us we want them to see. Its these rare moments when control slips and the tenuous grip on living slips. Night time is the most loneliest and the longest part of a day.

I suppose i should share the events of Sunday, its such a struggle today to explain what occurred. I hope i can muster enough enthusiasm to get across what happened.

I got up really early and had breakfast, didn't drink too much and donned the compression socks, do you know they even had left and right on them, well that should have been warning enough!!
Sue came down and we set off to Peterborough. Arrived in plenty of time. Goodness the porta loos were already whiffy so it would appear what we had been told about runners needing the loo was correct. Still we were feeling really positive. Done everything right this time, or so we thought. Time for a group picture and a warm up. Well the warm up was almost our run so we thought, best not over do things and started to walk back to bag area.
Gentleman stops us and tells us we are going the wrong way!!! the start was where we were coming from and we should turn back around. Sue said she needed the toilet. Public loos are on the way he says but the race was about to begin! He was carrying a horn, so i asked if he was the starter, yes says he, well thought we OK we will walk with you!!
No toilets and a huge group of bodies that we got caught up in. It was really warm in the middle i felt like an Emperor Penguin until the klaxon went and this surge of bodies moved forwards carrying us along with them. No idea where we were as all these people were around us. Anyway we were going to fast and we had to slow down i was gasping and we had only gone a short distance. Anyway we managed to get some control and set a steady pace. It was then Sue said she really needed the loo, and we had only done about a mile. We asked the Marshall's round the course and none till we got back to the start! 5 miles away and we had to do the route twice to make it 10 miles. Sue had to keep stopping which suited me because of the ankle although it felt really good. We eventually came to a wooded part of the route and Sue said she would just have to get into the bushes!! by the time she had finished i thought um maybe i should go. No one in sight not a one we were obviously last. We kept plodding on and our time wasn't too bad. Oh dear now i really needed to go. W were now being passed by the quick runners on their second lap!!! these were the winners, by the time we got to the start area we were guided by the Marshall's down the road. This isn't right i thought, we were herded with the elite!!! only for someone to note that we shouldn't be there, lifted the tape and ushered us under it and set us on our way . But with no direction!!. Still need the loo and nipped in Sainsburys. Quick out and tried to find our way Sue recognised a broken fence and we went down that path. No signs and no Marshall's. We decide that we would continue anyway but feeling a bit odd about the whole thing. We saw a man come towards us who was holding bits of tape. A Marshall only to tell us they were all packing up as they thought we had already gone through! Sue asks if he could phone ahead to let them know, but that was not possible. So he gave us a map of the route and asked us if we could follow that. Well what a game, we had no idea. We were on housing estates and all sorts. We eventually came to the wooded area again so we knew we were on the right route. We came to the main road and found the bollards to give us a safe route on the road had been removed. So we had to cross the road walk on the grass verge until we reached the roundabout and re cross again to get onto the path. Then we saw the man on the bike trying to get our attention. He was the sweeper, someone had phoned him to let them know that we were still out on the road. He escorted us the last 3 miles!! He was very sorry. By now we were really fed up and although determined to finish felt a bit let down. We completed the course in 2 hours 12 minutes which was good all things considered! and got a bottle of water for our troubles.
Luckily a married couple with the club waited for us. They are both in their 70s and good runners but were concerned about us and made sure we got a cup of tea and a piece of cake!! Everyone else had gone!!
It could only happen to us!!!
Not sure  how to resolve the loo business its only on race days, perhaps nerves?
Ankle and legs lasted the course, but the tops of my legs were a bit sore and ached, still that's a 10 miler out of the way! should start to get better soon i hope.

Sue phoned today and cancelled running, to give our legs a rest until Thursday, good plan i think!!!

Oh well just keep reminding myself that tomorrow is another day.....................

Day 467/468/469/470/471/472/473

Oh my word a week!!!! has it been so long. I feel really ashamed of myself!!
I was so fed up last week and was depressing myself! is that possible. Well truth to tell, that's not really honest! I have been so busy and really worried about race day, but that's for later!!
Running on Tuesday was a disappointment and the legs ached so much.
Work was pretty tough too on Wednesday and just about pooped.
Thursday, up early for physio!! and the foot and ankle really strapped well. Alex checked out the calf's and found they were really tight so i had a sports massage. Oh yea gods!!! it was soooooooo painful I'm sure they must have heard me yelping out in the streets!! I was then told to stretch every 2 hours for the rest of the day and to stretch as much as possible before Sunday!! oh and i may be De hydrating prior to running. Actually that may well be true so drinking loads for the rest of the Day!!! Running Thursday was not much better so can only hope that all goes well on Sunday. Oh and i need some compression socks as they may help. not sure if they will but Alex said give them a try!

Socks ordered on the Internet!!! my goodness how much for a pair of socks!!! £20 gulp!!!

Friday i was waiting patiently for today. I took some time off work because i heard from my niece Shelly that she would be visiting today with her mum and son!!! I have not seen my niece for many years. What a fantastic morning, cant describe it. We will now be keeping in touch and will see each other from time to time. Continued to drink and stretch all day today as well!!!

Friday night out to the Running clubs Christmas do! not really what i thought , the music was really poor!! and the sad thing is its often the music that sets the night up and so people left early and we too went home before the witching hour!!

 Saturday Legs so painful to touch even the skin feels sore! but still stretching. Cycled down to see Tom all 5 miles!!! hope that gave my legs some exercise!! Bungalow is looking homely and i have started to make friends with his dog!! i did have a handbag full of dog treats though! i wonder if he will expect those all the time!!
Thought i should have early night Saturday ready for race day. Must get up early. Well that went to plan. As for the race i will put it all down tomorrow as i am so tired i need to get to bed! We have been out for a meal and I'm pooped again!!