My goodness 3 weeks have passed so i expect to sit here for hours!
Whilst i have been pretty miserable over the past few weeks, nothing compares to what i was feeling when i first started to write this blog. If anything i have learnt that no matter what life throws at you we as humans have this odd ability to just get on with things, often the only way we as individuals can.
There is definitely no right or wrong way, you wake in the morning and you go to bed in the evening, you do sleep and we know that's whats occurred because we awake x number of hours later not being able to recall the fact that we closed our eyes and our last thoughts were during the night and now the suns shining through the window! That's how the days have been. Of course i have done various things and been to places and filled the time. So where was i 3 weeks ago.
Um.
Going back to Papworth was much harder than i thought it would be. Not for the reasons that worried me but oddly the fact that i was still angry that Mikey hadn't received his transplant! It had been raining and the event was in the park next to the hospital. How strange it was when i got out of the car and looked across to the very windows that we had spent so much time behind, looking across to the parkland from Mikey's room in the CF unit. That really hurt. I also missed being in there, now how odd is that. Maybe because such a huge part of our lives were spent visiting Mikey and whilst we may have been enjoying the views those very people we loved hated what we could see and would have given anything not to be looking out of those windows. Even though i know Mikey was suffering in those last few months i would have given anything to have been able to go and see him there. That's what hurt, him not being there. Bizarre! and yet true. And so i listened to other peoples stories, most older heart transplant people and thought i cant do this and when the Surgeon came i thought no way, i have done my bit, i came and now i want to go home! and i did sobbing all the way! I have to go back! for the photo with the cheque, not sure when but at least i am somewhat prepared now, another first over with.
I had my MRI scan on my knee and have spent the last few weeks waiting for the outcome of that, not much longer to wait I'm off to see the consultant tomorrow! lets hope that will be sorted out quickly.
This blog may well be muddled as i flit from one subject to another but hey ho! its my page so i guess its OK!
Work became such a trial, well not being there was should i say. The fact that i couldn't speak to anyone etc etc, The RCN have been fabulous, thank goodness for them. Anyway the company and i have parted and at least i have the ability to take time and regroup myself! I often questioned could the little man take on corporate companies and win, the answer is sort of! More about that later. So at least i now knew what i was not going to be doing and could think about the future.
I have spent the last two weeks enjoying my time off! and the sun has been out.
I have had a couple of small races and my word i was pitiful! lets think, ah well Stamford. It took ages to get there. An evening meet. We had a storm, the peak reaching us on our way to the club house to sign in!! the heavens opened, thunder, lightning, hail stones. In our kit running across a rugby field. Feet were sodden and squelching, clothes were sticking to our skins, and in my case not a pretty sight! Lycra, and wet Lycra on a pleasantly plump older person is not in any way flattering! Still it was only a short run. Oh my word, there were hills, and it was a two lap road race. We finished but not a cup of tea to be had. The knee really didn't like the hills!!! and it took hours to thaw through! and dry out.
The second race was last week and i wasn't happy!!! it was a challenge against Wisbech. I was told it would be 6 miles. Well i have been struggling with 3 but thought i would give it a go, especially as i may not be able to run for a while. Well my word! we were set off in different groups and i was given a faster time to get round in and no way could i do that. It was cross country across fields where the grass and weeds were as big as triffids! and it was hot, i mean hot!!! i spent some time walking with a man whose knee had gone as well, he flagged down a car and got a lift back i kept going, in a fashion! i was worn out!! Not only that i had been for an interview in the morning, just got back and went up the club to prepare the sarnies etc for the evening, got home changed and back to run. Nothing to eat, I'm sure that's what it was, after all a car will not go with out fuel so why on earth would a body! well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! oh and it was closer to 7 miles!!!
The run on Thursday was just as bad the knee gave up and i thought that's it now, i cant do anymore so I'm waiting for tomorrow! but i have one more little race at Werrington on Wednesday and then i get a t shirt!!!! the things we do for a printed shirt!!
Tom goes extreme cycling and has taken my sunglasses! so i ended up running in some new ones, cant say I'm over struck with them and they didn't make me go faster!
Tim and i have spent several days in Doncaster sorting Toms house out, decorating and gardening!! we are going two days this week again. We took Duke and it was so funny seeing him walk on laminate flooring! he looked like Bambi all legs and no grip!
The Olympics have started. The last time Mikey was at home we talked about the Olympics and he stood in the room and asked if we thought he would be here for them. He hoped he would have had a trnasplant . We said we would watch them for him if he wasnt. Never thinking that we would and never realising that he would not be here. And so we are spending the time watching the events and thinking about Mikey and wondering which he would have really enjoyed. We know it would have been the track events. Mikey loved the winter Olympics too and stayed up late watching them. I guess that will be another first for us then. But for now the next two weeks will be special, sad and then what? because we have had this time to fous on, what will our tomorrows be for? i dont know.
its two weeks to the 12th and it will be two years. Two long sad years. It could have been yesterday. I was watching a TV programme late one night and it was a mother talking about losing her child and she was heartbroken and her loss occurred 5 years ago and to her it was like yesterday too. We miss Mikey so very much, we will never be the same, the hurt is no less the frequency of our pain isn't as often. We function and we are getting on with our lives. They will never be the same and we are learning to adapt. I still cry in the early hours of the morning, i don't sleep as well as i should. I run because it hurts, that way i know i have some feelings.
Well to bed then because that what we do, ah well tomorrow is another day.......................
Sunday 29 July 2012
Saturday 7 July 2012
Day 694-697
Oh my word!!! the Wednesday race.
Its such a good job i can laugh at myself! I had spent the day in the garden and felt quite good, the rain had been and gone or should i say hail stones and the evening looked as if it may be quite cool, lovely for me. I much prefer to run in the cold or the rain even!
The 5k race was at Ferry Meadows, a beautiful venue, a nice run around the lake, easy run. No, no no!!! the knee decided it didn't like running two days together, and the sun came out. It was warm........ oh deary me what a run or was it a walk a bit of both really. Anyway i finished which is always a plan.
Going home i felt a bit disappointed but thought well maybe Thursdays run will be better. Oh lord! i think it got worse. I did manage 5 miles but what a struggle, the lead legs found me, the knee hurt and it was blasted hot again. Took me 1hr and 7 Min's, shameful!
So i thought give it a rest for a bit and i will be fine for a nice Sunday morning run.
Woke up Friday and was hobbling, knee was really sore and i was having problems walking, so i thought i would embark on a relationship with Cyril. hes been gathering dust for months. Unlike Roger, Cyril is a bit more sedate, oops, Cyril the cycle, did i not say!! so i dragged him across the carpet, popped a film on, yes raining again and off i went, it was murder! Tim came in and asked where i had been! so far just to the top of the road, says i. With a huge chuckle he walked out. Now under the bed somewhere is a silver sweat suit, i bought it months ago, as you do with all the intentions of keeping fit and losing some weight. So i looked, um i looked again and thought no just do your best. A miserable 5 miles, still it was a start. The sun came out and we went for a walk, 8 miles........... i had to stop and buy some ibuprofen to take. I was limping well by the time we got home. Still i dosed myself up for the rest of the day and awoke this morning to a dull throb, looking promising i thought.
The post bought the letter i was expecting and it felt quite strange even though it was the one i was waiting for. Its odd to see the very thing you fought for down in black and white! So i need to sign them and post them back and that will leave me a very happyish person. Its true, some giants can take a bashing if not completely defeated.
Yet more rain today, still manged to get out for a ride and a walk through some very wet fields to look at, a lake!!! Tim thought i may just get some photos and oh my word the heavens opened! traipsing though wet, muddy woodland, grassy slopes, ditch jumping!!! i ask you. Tim did realise i was having a few problems leaping across the wretched things and offered to carry the camera, you don't want to drop that in the water!! never mind me, with sodden feet and , did i mention no coat! A quiet ride home!!!
Tom called round tonight, very happy he had been extreme cycling at Thetford forest for the day, and we are off to Donnie sometime next week.
Tim said tonight he may take up running!! now I'm not sure if he was joking or not but it would be good to have some company. It looks like i may go for a run tomorrow evening, give the knee a little bit longer.
Wednesday I'm going to Papworth, not sure how i feel about it really. Will be the first time since we lost Mikey. I know its at the hall next to the hospital, but we looked out over the lawns from Mikey's room on many, many occasions. I think i will find it hard. Its an event for fund raisers, i should go really. In the evening I'm meeting up with some friends, thank goodness for them being there for me the last few weeks, it will be safe to go!!!!
I do wonder what Mikey would have had to say about all of this? a few choice words i should say but also a lot of wisdom in one so young, the one thing about everything that has happened recently is that nothing, nothing is ever as bad as losing him, that's something to hang onto.
Neither have i been overwhelmed by despair or misery that too is something to be thankful for. Always always remember, Tomorrow is another day................................
Its such a good job i can laugh at myself! I had spent the day in the garden and felt quite good, the rain had been and gone or should i say hail stones and the evening looked as if it may be quite cool, lovely for me. I much prefer to run in the cold or the rain even!
The 5k race was at Ferry Meadows, a beautiful venue, a nice run around the lake, easy run. No, no no!!! the knee decided it didn't like running two days together, and the sun came out. It was warm........ oh deary me what a run or was it a walk a bit of both really. Anyway i finished which is always a plan.
Going home i felt a bit disappointed but thought well maybe Thursdays run will be better. Oh lord! i think it got worse. I did manage 5 miles but what a struggle, the lead legs found me, the knee hurt and it was blasted hot again. Took me 1hr and 7 Min's, shameful!
So i thought give it a rest for a bit and i will be fine for a nice Sunday morning run.
Woke up Friday and was hobbling, knee was really sore and i was having problems walking, so i thought i would embark on a relationship with Cyril. hes been gathering dust for months. Unlike Roger, Cyril is a bit more sedate, oops, Cyril the cycle, did i not say!! so i dragged him across the carpet, popped a film on, yes raining again and off i went, it was murder! Tim came in and asked where i had been! so far just to the top of the road, says i. With a huge chuckle he walked out. Now under the bed somewhere is a silver sweat suit, i bought it months ago, as you do with all the intentions of keeping fit and losing some weight. So i looked, um i looked again and thought no just do your best. A miserable 5 miles, still it was a start. The sun came out and we went for a walk, 8 miles........... i had to stop and buy some ibuprofen to take. I was limping well by the time we got home. Still i dosed myself up for the rest of the day and awoke this morning to a dull throb, looking promising i thought.
The post bought the letter i was expecting and it felt quite strange even though it was the one i was waiting for. Its odd to see the very thing you fought for down in black and white! So i need to sign them and post them back and that will leave me a very happyish person. Its true, some giants can take a bashing if not completely defeated.
Yet more rain today, still manged to get out for a ride and a walk through some very wet fields to look at, a lake!!! Tim thought i may just get some photos and oh my word the heavens opened! traipsing though wet, muddy woodland, grassy slopes, ditch jumping!!! i ask you. Tim did realise i was having a few problems leaping across the wretched things and offered to carry the camera, you don't want to drop that in the water!! never mind me, with sodden feet and , did i mention no coat! A quiet ride home!!!
Tom called round tonight, very happy he had been extreme cycling at Thetford forest for the day, and we are off to Donnie sometime next week.
Tim said tonight he may take up running!! now I'm not sure if he was joking or not but it would be good to have some company. It looks like i may go for a run tomorrow evening, give the knee a little bit longer.
Wednesday I'm going to Papworth, not sure how i feel about it really. Will be the first time since we lost Mikey. I know its at the hall next to the hospital, but we looked out over the lawns from Mikey's room on many, many occasions. I think i will find it hard. Its an event for fund raisers, i should go really. In the evening I'm meeting up with some friends, thank goodness for them being there for me the last few weeks, it will be safe to go!!!!
I do wonder what Mikey would have had to say about all of this? a few choice words i should say but also a lot of wisdom in one so young, the one thing about everything that has happened recently is that nothing, nothing is ever as bad as losing him, that's something to hang onto.
Neither have i been overwhelmed by despair or misery that too is something to be thankful for. Always always remember, Tomorrow is another day................................
Tuesday 3 July 2012
Days 690-693
I hope the spell check is working tonight, just read the last one and saw several mistakes! ah well i can only hope.
Whats been happening, now lets see. Um work and the issues there continue although some headway being made, decisions have been made and I'm feeling as though i can begin to look forward! I would question whether its the right one but its done now!
Time hangs heavy at the moment and during the past few weeks i know i have changed. I can honestly say i have been in some strange moods and certainly question the rights and wrongs of the day! I also believe in Karma and certainly revenge is a dish best served cold, my day will come!!
Now that's out of the way i can move on and hope to be a bit more positive. I miss Mikey very much and would love to be able to share with him what I'm doing, goodness only knows that 2012 is a year of big changes for me. I didn't think that there would be so many and indeed so exciting, challenging and life changing! Was that the purpose of the special significance of 2012, i don't know but we are only half way through! There are things to look forward to and i do feel able to do that. I feel that the past few weeks i am beginning to face the sad truth and its hard. Mikey would be horrified to think i have spent so much time on being sad and miserable. When you speak about dying and what you would like family and friends to do, the actual carrying out those very things you agreed to is hard. I wonder if the dying know that. When Gordon was ill and he said what he wanted, did he realise the consequences of those wishes, i don't think so.
Death to me has been a dreadful time, well i know it is for everyone but personally i have coped with my boyfriend being killed on his way home form mine on his motorcycle when i was 17. My brother dying when he was 47, the impact that had on me and the relationship afterwards with my parents and my sisters was unbearable at times. The breakdown of my relationship between my sister and law and nieces was a consequence of choosing between them and my own family. It haunts me still. Shortly after, Tim's parents died within 5 months of each other. The impact that had on Tim was profound and i certainly do not want to go down that road. It nearly destroyed us. The loss of my parents and the deep sadness around that was again really hard. Dad wanted to stay at home and we shared the care but still had to continue to work. I worked nights and would see to the boys and then do the early shift with mum and dad. Mum passed away two weeks after Mikey got married.
Mikey oh dear dear Mikey its been such a hard road to tread and i know that i will be on that road for the rest of my life. I cant come to terms with it at all, i know a said that i was but i lied! Just going through the motions and escaping by running. Thank goodness for that.
So Sundays run went well! the knee held up and i did 5 miles in 57 Min's. Not as fast as i have done in the past but considering the knee injury i was happy.
Today's training run went well despite the fact i was struggling! 5.65 miles in 1hr 04mins, not bad i think. So now the race tomorrow evening, lets hope the old legs hold up!!
So to bed after all tomorrow is another day..........................
Whats been happening, now lets see. Um work and the issues there continue although some headway being made, decisions have been made and I'm feeling as though i can begin to look forward! I would question whether its the right one but its done now!
Time hangs heavy at the moment and during the past few weeks i know i have changed. I can honestly say i have been in some strange moods and certainly question the rights and wrongs of the day! I also believe in Karma and certainly revenge is a dish best served cold, my day will come!!
Now that's out of the way i can move on and hope to be a bit more positive. I miss Mikey very much and would love to be able to share with him what I'm doing, goodness only knows that 2012 is a year of big changes for me. I didn't think that there would be so many and indeed so exciting, challenging and life changing! Was that the purpose of the special significance of 2012, i don't know but we are only half way through! There are things to look forward to and i do feel able to do that. I feel that the past few weeks i am beginning to face the sad truth and its hard. Mikey would be horrified to think i have spent so much time on being sad and miserable. When you speak about dying and what you would like family and friends to do, the actual carrying out those very things you agreed to is hard. I wonder if the dying know that. When Gordon was ill and he said what he wanted, did he realise the consequences of those wishes, i don't think so.
Death to me has been a dreadful time, well i know it is for everyone but personally i have coped with my boyfriend being killed on his way home form mine on his motorcycle when i was 17. My brother dying when he was 47, the impact that had on me and the relationship afterwards with my parents and my sisters was unbearable at times. The breakdown of my relationship between my sister and law and nieces was a consequence of choosing between them and my own family. It haunts me still. Shortly after, Tim's parents died within 5 months of each other. The impact that had on Tim was profound and i certainly do not want to go down that road. It nearly destroyed us. The loss of my parents and the deep sadness around that was again really hard. Dad wanted to stay at home and we shared the care but still had to continue to work. I worked nights and would see to the boys and then do the early shift with mum and dad. Mum passed away two weeks after Mikey got married.
Mikey oh dear dear Mikey its been such a hard road to tread and i know that i will be on that road for the rest of my life. I cant come to terms with it at all, i know a said that i was but i lied! Just going through the motions and escaping by running. Thank goodness for that.
So Sundays run went well! the knee held up and i did 5 miles in 57 Min's. Not as fast as i have done in the past but considering the knee injury i was happy.
Today's training run went well despite the fact i was struggling! 5.65 miles in 1hr 04mins, not bad i think. So now the race tomorrow evening, lets hope the old legs hold up!!
So to bed after all tomorrow is another day..........................
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