And its Saturday and another week has passed.
W word has been the pits and so hard to explain why. So very tired this week, sure the late nights into the early mornings have taken their toll in many ways.
No joy in my days what so ever and to be honest the cost on my home life has also been very expensive. I don't think Tim and i have had a conversation fro almost 3 weeks apart from talking about Duke and arguing about work. Not a good combination. I am beginning to question my very existence.
Losing Mikey hasn't taught us any lessons. We are still just wasting our time and doing nothing with it. I do have running but as a couple we are seriously losing track and i don't know what to do about it. Bury my head in the sand sounds like a good plan at the moment!!
So, lets see. Duke has at last begun to pick up and it looks like we may have turned a corner. Very scary when we didn't know what was wrong. Still unsure if it was a bug or poison!. Could be as he runs across the fields all the time. He may be a little anaemic now so i have bought him fresh liver and broccoli to give him some iron!! he loved it. Lets hope it does the trick.
Running has been a beast and my legs still ache from last Sundays long run and it will soon be that time again! I really struggled on Tuesday and Thursday. So i went and bought some new trainers, not sure if that may be contributing to the problem. Had gait measured again just to be on the safe side. Not sure if i like the new ones, tried them for a walk tonight and they were not as comfortable but it may have been the socks. I will have to wait and see. Soon be the Olympic run though!!!
Thursday was lovely the sun was out and the fens bathed in the glory of the sun, how different the landscape looked. The trees have that hazy look about them, I'm sure the buds are forming. The snowdrops are out. the crocus are showing their colours and the daffs are pushing their way through he soil. Spring doesn't seem so far away.
The evenings are staying lighter and the night sky has the slipper moon shining brightly i even managed to see the international space station as it passed.
So something good this week after all.
Sue my running buddy is still not fit, i do hope she soon recovers as the marathon training is well under way now and it will be hard to catch up, i think she is going to have some physio now, that may help.
Toms been out for a game of golf with his friends and seems to be much happier these days at long last. That is at least a positive thing!!!
I have just been listening to Emeli Sande' Lifetime and the words go like this
Dreaming only lasts until you wake up and you find you're not asleep
Silence only sticks around till someone in the room decides to speak
And luck runs out and hearts go cold
We're only young until we are old
And Summer leaves us wondering where it went
The friends you have can disappear
The whole world can change within a year
And money only lasts until its spent
But you, you
You last a lifetime
You last a lifetime
Truth will change and time will fly
The party lasts until the wine is gone
This time next week the radio will change its mind
And play a different song
We stay in touch till we forget
And beauty fades the kiss will end
And fame will love and leave you just as fast
You'll have it all until its gone
The books get burnt and statue's fall
Sometimes feels like nothing will ever last
But you, you
You last a life time
You last a life time
Listen its very true!!
And so, tomorrow is another day..........................
Saturday 25 February 2012
Monday 20 February 2012
Day 582/583/584/585/586/587/588/589/590
9 days!!! i feel as if i have lost my best friend by not blogging. I feel as if i have been robbed of all contact with anyone friendly!!
How bad is that.
When Mikey died i felt dreadful and now i just feel really fed up and disillusioned.
I have so tried to put things into perspective and have failed miserably. I gave up some leave to help out a colleague only to discover that i really should not have bothered! as in the grand scheme of things i may as well have taken it. This week i have been told i cant take the leave i have booked for this week!
I have had a spa day booked with my sisters. Its Lin's birthday and now i will not be able to go. All because of other peoples actions. Yet again paying the costs of someone else actions.
This week my place of work has been invaded by loads of strangers and i feel like a vagrant! no place to call my own! I have had to perform some unpleasant tasks and that is never easy.
I have hardly been home for nearly two weeks and Tim told me to take the keys! as he cant recall when i got home as planned and that we are having separate lives. Well that much is true. As i said i hoped to have a few days together and nope!!! not to be.
Even sitting here now i feel like i am rushing. I am trying to get to bed!!
For the last week i have not laid my head down till 4 am and up again at 7am
Duke has been unwell and now had two trips to the vets and another due on Friday, that's a worry, we are not too sure what the problem is.
I have the Olympic stadium run coming up and i am not having time to enjoy the thoughts of that.
My running buddy is still not fit and its been hard without her, but she is hoping to return soon.
Running has been OK and that has been a place where i can get rid of some of my frustrations, although that hasn't really worked either!
At the moment i look about 90 years of age and barely recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror, that is scary!! Splitting headache and pins and needles in my hands because i havent had my tablets properly. Best take them!
So on that night I'm going to bed and just remember that tomorrow is another day
How bad is that.
When Mikey died i felt dreadful and now i just feel really fed up and disillusioned.
I have so tried to put things into perspective and have failed miserably. I gave up some leave to help out a colleague only to discover that i really should not have bothered! as in the grand scheme of things i may as well have taken it. This week i have been told i cant take the leave i have booked for this week!
I have had a spa day booked with my sisters. Its Lin's birthday and now i will not be able to go. All because of other peoples actions. Yet again paying the costs of someone else actions.
This week my place of work has been invaded by loads of strangers and i feel like a vagrant! no place to call my own! I have had to perform some unpleasant tasks and that is never easy.
I have hardly been home for nearly two weeks and Tim told me to take the keys! as he cant recall when i got home as planned and that we are having separate lives. Well that much is true. As i said i hoped to have a few days together and nope!!! not to be.
Even sitting here now i feel like i am rushing. I am trying to get to bed!!
For the last week i have not laid my head down till 4 am and up again at 7am
Duke has been unwell and now had two trips to the vets and another due on Friday, that's a worry, we are not too sure what the problem is.
I have the Olympic stadium run coming up and i am not having time to enjoy the thoughts of that.
My running buddy is still not fit and its been hard without her, but she is hoping to return soon.
Running has been OK and that has been a place where i can get rid of some of my frustrations, although that hasn't really worked either!
At the moment i look about 90 years of age and barely recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror, that is scary!! Splitting headache and pins and needles in my hands because i havent had my tablets properly. Best take them!
So on that night I'm going to bed and just remember that tomorrow is another day
Saturday 11 February 2012
Day 579/580/581
Misery has had a hand I'm sure in the last few days. I have just felt so low in mood and then things have kicked off at W!!!!
What started as a day with me in a positive mood ended in despair and confusion. I have had to do something very unpleasant today and really need to man up or i wont last the course!! Didn't leave w till after 6 so was too late for a run, and then had to return for night visit and didn't get home till 3 am!! Thick snow and freezing fog. I knew that Friday would be tough but was feeling fairly confident that it would go well.
I should have known better. I must have this huge invisible sign hanging over my head that says, these shoulders are broad deliver all your s... here. That's how it felt.
The day just got worse and by the time i left i was in a state of utter lack of faith in the human race. I really do wonder why people have to behave in the ways they do, where is kindness and compassion these days.
Tim has been very supportive and when i got home he even said he would come for a run with me although he would be on a bike!!
So i thought i would go back to W on Saturday and try to make Monday a bit easier. That didn't happen!!!
Minus 12 this morning and we decided to go for a walk!! it was so cold although Duke loved it. The world was an eerie place today, so silent and still a complete white out with the freezing fog.
The sun came out a little later in the day.
Tom visited and was so positive it lighted my life a little to see him happier that the last two years.
I decide to go for a run in case tomorrow is another day of being snowed in. I need to get my miles in otherwise i will not be ft to do the marathon.
I told Tom i would run to his and back home. I did!!! he was surprised, in fact i surprised myself. 5.3 miles in an hour on dodgy paths! not sure how the legs will be tomorrow but must keep pushing now.
Toms coming to lunch tomorrow which will be lovely!!
Had a bit of a shock tonight!! i have been listening to music all night as Tim has been watching the sport, Rugby!!! anyway i sat here in Mikeys room at the computer, Duke is always interested and watches from the other side of the gate which is in the kitchen.
The ipod was in shuffle mode so i had no idea what would be playing next and i had my earphones on. The ipod started to play The art of Balance by AFI Mikeys favourite band.
I heard a noise in my left ear and felt a warmth! Duke had come into the room! don't know how he managed it took one look at me, poked me with his nose, jumped on Mikeys bed picked up one of the soft toys and went!! Uncanny . Tim wanted to know why i had opened the gate!!! ha not me and apparently not Tim, i have my doubts i wonder if he forgot! Still Dukes back on the other side watching me yet again, the gates shut i checked!!
Well i better get to bed i have to get up early for the run and i am feeling a lot better now that i did when i first started to write but i must remember that Tomorrow is another day..............
What started as a day with me in a positive mood ended in despair and confusion. I have had to do something very unpleasant today and really need to man up or i wont last the course!! Didn't leave w till after 6 so was too late for a run, and then had to return for night visit and didn't get home till 3 am!! Thick snow and freezing fog. I knew that Friday would be tough but was feeling fairly confident that it would go well.
I should have known better. I must have this huge invisible sign hanging over my head that says, these shoulders are broad deliver all your s... here. That's how it felt.
The day just got worse and by the time i left i was in a state of utter lack of faith in the human race. I really do wonder why people have to behave in the ways they do, where is kindness and compassion these days.
Tim has been very supportive and when i got home he even said he would come for a run with me although he would be on a bike!!
So i thought i would go back to W on Saturday and try to make Monday a bit easier. That didn't happen!!!
Minus 12 this morning and we decided to go for a walk!! it was so cold although Duke loved it. The world was an eerie place today, so silent and still a complete white out with the freezing fog.
The sun came out a little later in the day.
Tom visited and was so positive it lighted my life a little to see him happier that the last two years.
I decide to go for a run in case tomorrow is another day of being snowed in. I need to get my miles in otherwise i will not be ft to do the marathon.
I told Tom i would run to his and back home. I did!!! he was surprised, in fact i surprised myself. 5.3 miles in an hour on dodgy paths! not sure how the legs will be tomorrow but must keep pushing now.
Toms coming to lunch tomorrow which will be lovely!!
Had a bit of a shock tonight!! i have been listening to music all night as Tim has been watching the sport, Rugby!!! anyway i sat here in Mikeys room at the computer, Duke is always interested and watches from the other side of the gate which is in the kitchen.
The ipod was in shuffle mode so i had no idea what would be playing next and i had my earphones on. The ipod started to play The art of Balance by AFI Mikeys favourite band.
I heard a noise in my left ear and felt a warmth! Duke had come into the room! don't know how he managed it took one look at me, poked me with his nose, jumped on Mikeys bed picked up one of the soft toys and went!! Uncanny . Tim wanted to know why i had opened the gate!!! ha not me and apparently not Tim, i have my doubts i wonder if he forgot! Still Dukes back on the other side watching me yet again, the gates shut i checked!!
Well i better get to bed i have to get up early for the run and i am feeling a lot better now that i did when i first started to write but i must remember that Tomorrow is another day..............
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Day 576/577/578
So the mood of positivity didn't last! Why am i not surprised.
Started last night with my run i think. It was cold and as the snow was still lying around we ran down near the prison!! i was running alone as Sue has still not returned to fitness. In fact her hip is really giving her some problems i do wonder if it is her sciatic nerve! lets hope not. I remember my injuries last year and i missed so much time! Scans for Sue next week and then we may have some idea of whats happening. It was lonely running alone still i ran 5.6 miles and was fairly OK.
Went to London today! what an experience we got rather lost!!! and spent 5 hours trying to get to our destination! and did we see some sights. We passed Wembley stadium, Clappham common, Putney cant remember half of the towns or boroughs we went through, got on the ring road! we were late getting to the conference by 2 hours. We had set off at 0630hrs this morning!!
Palliative care. That was the mistake, it put me into a very thoughtful mood.
Coming home we came a different route! passing through the Dartford tunnel and past the O2 stadium which reminded me of Mikey and his visit to see Queen tribute band, i would think that would have been one of his last trips out really and then he wasn't 100%
We then passed Romford and a flood of memories came back. The last time i travelled that road was after taking Mikey's ashes up to Claire and the horror of that day.
I stall cannot comprehend the behaviour of her Father that day and indeed her hers. I image the trauma i experienced will haunt me forever. I wonder if he has peace of mind, i hope not!!
When i got home well things went from bad to worse and i honestly feel like throwing in the towel!
Misery has been on the hunt and found me when my defences were down and has smothered me in her cloak of despair and here i am wallowing!.
Sometimes when the days are dark its a struggle to claw my way out to the light there seems no purpose in living. If it wasn't for Tom i would question what i am doing, just passing time. No joy in the world.
Lord if i wasn't feeling depressed when i started writing tonight i surely do now..
I cant think i will just go to bed and hope i can sleep to escape from this place and then maybe tomorrow will be another day...........
Started last night with my run i think. It was cold and as the snow was still lying around we ran down near the prison!! i was running alone as Sue has still not returned to fitness. In fact her hip is really giving her some problems i do wonder if it is her sciatic nerve! lets hope not. I remember my injuries last year and i missed so much time! Scans for Sue next week and then we may have some idea of whats happening. It was lonely running alone still i ran 5.6 miles and was fairly OK.
Went to London today! what an experience we got rather lost!!! and spent 5 hours trying to get to our destination! and did we see some sights. We passed Wembley stadium, Clappham common, Putney cant remember half of the towns or boroughs we went through, got on the ring road! we were late getting to the conference by 2 hours. We had set off at 0630hrs this morning!!
Palliative care. That was the mistake, it put me into a very thoughtful mood.
Coming home we came a different route! passing through the Dartford tunnel and past the O2 stadium which reminded me of Mikey and his visit to see Queen tribute band, i would think that would have been one of his last trips out really and then he wasn't 100%
We then passed Romford and a flood of memories came back. The last time i travelled that road was after taking Mikey's ashes up to Claire and the horror of that day.
I stall cannot comprehend the behaviour of her Father that day and indeed her hers. I image the trauma i experienced will haunt me forever. I wonder if he has peace of mind, i hope not!!
When i got home well things went from bad to worse and i honestly feel like throwing in the towel!
Misery has been on the hunt and found me when my defences were down and has smothered me in her cloak of despair and here i am wallowing!.
Sometimes when the days are dark its a struggle to claw my way out to the light there seems no purpose in living. If it wasn't for Tom i would question what i am doing, just passing time. No joy in the world.
Lord if i wasn't feeling depressed when i started writing tonight i surely do now..
I cant think i will just go to bed and hope i can sleep to escape from this place and then maybe tomorrow will be another day...........
Sunday 5 February 2012
Day 571/572/573/574/575
Just to remind anyone reading. check out the justgiving site sue-ward2 team sue sue!!! remember its for CF unit at Papworth and I'm running a marathon in May!
What a week!!! lots to say and i am feeling fairly positive, now that is a bit worrying.
Wednesday, up very early and headed for Oxford and the annual conference! The highlight of the day was indeed Will Carling who certainly lifted the mood of the day! Nothing surprising over the two days but was very tired. I think it was probably the lack of sleep, the talks! and the volume of people in one room.
Still we managed to get home before dark on the Thursday but i didn't run i was much too exhausted!
We managed to get lost several times on the way home even using a Tom Tom! must be me.
Will Carling (ex England Rugby Captain) and me
W on Friday and the day just flew barely enough hours in the day and next week i have to go to London for the day and the next week two days training again! the miles we travel and the time out of the office which is a problem to re coop! ah well.
I had good plans for the week end and was looking forward to the Sunday run, now that was a mistake!
Had a lie in Saturday morning and then spent the afternoon out visiting my lovely niece and a walk into town. Goodness it was so cold. Icy and the wind was cruel. Managed to get out for another walk in the evening with Tim and Duke.
Lots of news from friends who are in the Olympic stadium run, all are getting their training in, putting me to shame.
Sue bless her has been to the Dr's and has damaged some muscles around the pelvic area and hip/buttocks! and cant run for another week!
And then............ it snowed last night and boy did it snow. Poor Duke refused to come out of the house! he had not seen snow before and really didn't like it.
Got up good time this morning ready to run and opened the curtains. Gulp!!!!! never seen so much snow here. We had drifts of the white stuff in the garden and down the drive. I did walk to the top of the drive but no chance of running today. As i was up though we got wrapped up and headed for the fields. It was so white!!! and i had problems just walking on the paths.
Duke was in his element running all over, everywhere was so quiet and still, but warmer, the earth had her winter coat on and she looked glorious. Managed to get some lovely photos and i will try and post them on here tomorrow. The computer is so slow! must get it looked at again.
Tom popped down in his Capri! after we had cleared the drive. Next door came out to help and then the lads on the other side helped as well. Certainly better for Tom when he turned up. It was really bad at Westry so he had to take it steady.
Tom then offered to take me up to Tesco!!!! what a white knuckle ride, swinging and sliding all over the place and then we got stuck!!! eventually managed to move but i thought i would walk the 3.5.miles home!!! well not a very good idea. Once the snow started to seep through he boots i knew it would be miserable, so next stop bought some wellies! put them on in the shop and headed home, with drier feet, wet socks and footwear in bag!
Another walk tonight across the fields in the dark, except it was as bright as day. The snow enabled us to see for miles!
Today!
Now snug in the home with heating and thermal pj's.
We have said today how we have missed Mikey and wished he was here today, Tim said not how he was Sue. I said i would like here here no matter what and Tim said that was selfish because we now know how he must have been suffering. Maybe that's right and i am selfish and i would like him back but healthy, but that's not going to happen is it?
Time has passed but it may as well as been yesterday that we last saw him and still the good memories are not here yet! of course we talk about happy times but it just makes you realise what we are missing. Our family is incomplete.
Must be more positive!! ah well tomorrow is another day..........................
What a week!!! lots to say and i am feeling fairly positive, now that is a bit worrying.
Wednesday, up very early and headed for Oxford and the annual conference! The highlight of the day was indeed Will Carling who certainly lifted the mood of the day! Nothing surprising over the two days but was very tired. I think it was probably the lack of sleep, the talks! and the volume of people in one room.
Still we managed to get home before dark on the Thursday but i didn't run i was much too exhausted!
We managed to get lost several times on the way home even using a Tom Tom! must be me.
W on Friday and the day just flew barely enough hours in the day and next week i have to go to London for the day and the next week two days training again! the miles we travel and the time out of the office which is a problem to re coop! ah well.
I had good plans for the week end and was looking forward to the Sunday run, now that was a mistake!
Had a lie in Saturday morning and then spent the afternoon out visiting my lovely niece and a walk into town. Goodness it was so cold. Icy and the wind was cruel. Managed to get out for another walk in the evening with Tim and Duke.
Lots of news from friends who are in the Olympic stadium run, all are getting their training in, putting me to shame.
Sue bless her has been to the Dr's and has damaged some muscles around the pelvic area and hip/buttocks! and cant run for another week!
And then............ it snowed last night and boy did it snow. Poor Duke refused to come out of the house! he had not seen snow before and really didn't like it.
Got up good time this morning ready to run and opened the curtains. Gulp!!!!! never seen so much snow here. We had drifts of the white stuff in the garden and down the drive. I did walk to the top of the drive but no chance of running today. As i was up though we got wrapped up and headed for the fields. It was so white!!! and i had problems just walking on the paths.
Duke was in his element running all over, everywhere was so quiet and still, but warmer, the earth had her winter coat on and she looked glorious. Managed to get some lovely photos and i will try and post them on here tomorrow. The computer is so slow! must get it looked at again.
Tom popped down in his Capri! after we had cleared the drive. Next door came out to help and then the lads on the other side helped as well. Certainly better for Tom when he turned up. It was really bad at Westry so he had to take it steady.
Tom then offered to take me up to Tesco!!!! what a white knuckle ride, swinging and sliding all over the place and then we got stuck!!! eventually managed to move but i thought i would walk the 3.5.miles home!!! well not a very good idea. Once the snow started to seep through he boots i knew it would be miserable, so next stop bought some wellies! put them on in the shop and headed home, with drier feet, wet socks and footwear in bag!
Another walk tonight across the fields in the dark, except it was as bright as day. The snow enabled us to see for miles!
Now snug in the home with heating and thermal pj's.
We have said today how we have missed Mikey and wished he was here today, Tim said not how he was Sue. I said i would like here here no matter what and Tim said that was selfish because we now know how he must have been suffering. Maybe that's right and i am selfish and i would like him back but healthy, but that's not going to happen is it?
Time has passed but it may as well as been yesterday that we last saw him and still the good memories are not here yet! of course we talk about happy times but it just makes you realise what we are missing. Our family is incomplete.
Must be more positive!! ah well tomorrow is another day..........................
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