Day 215

Phew i cant believe its almost 0100hrs  Ive just come in from work.

Today has just been a whirl of activity and no respite to gather breath, and i could have done with a bucket full of that tonight!

I really haven't had a conversation with Tim today and i can feel us having less time than ever before, maybe because I'm doing so much. I just wish i could get home on time! that would make a difference. I must learn to say no, easier said than done, how do you walk away from people you are caring for for. It goes with the territory, but perhaps i should put my coat on at 3 with the hope of walking out of the door at 5pm. Maybe i will try it!

Anyway i got home at 5.45pm and had to leave at 6.15 to run so it was a swift cup of tea a quick chat, Tom phoned his dad and said he wasn't going where the floods are in Thailand and at the moment he was hoping to go as planned for his holiday. Tims sister and husband called round to see Tim this morning! whilst i was at work. That's fine with me and good for Tim.

Picked up my running partner and out till 8pm. Tonight we increased our length and i was puffing like a good one still it was easier on the second group of 5 lamp posts! but we increase the length again on Saturday to 6! now there we may have a problem but i will just have to wait and see.
I ache tonight! we had a lovely 10year old member of the club running towards us and as she passed she said well done keep it up! can you imagine and an 81 year old who put us to shame but the creme on the cake was lovely 71 yr old lady who had had a hip replacement  running by like a teenager! Will i ever get to that stage.
Then just as we were running heard my name called and there sat my dear friend and her hubby getting ready to power walk this evening. Lovely to see her although briefly and hope to see her out there again, next time we will be running a little bit further!!

Well we hope to be ready for the spud run in July!!! 5 miles and a bag of potatoes when we finish cant be bad. Been trying to sort out my sponsorship campaign, Nicks going to help bless him.
Would you believe it i got a call from work whilst running!!! they had tried my on call phone which i left at home and then used my mobile that i always carry. No peace!!!

So been back to work and now I'm off to bed but before i go I'm going to put a couple of photos of Holkam on, they are lovely and who would have though our Norfolk coast could look so spectacular they could easily be mistaken for somewhere abroad and in the month of March. So i was very cross at myself for letting my battery run down!!!

I have been trying for ages to download them but im tired and the computer is so damn slow, so it looks as thoough they will have to wait until i have a little more time and dont have to get up for work, tomorrow is another day!

Day 214

Just finished downloading photos and its taken ages! As its gone 2 am i think i better make this short otherwise i wont get up for work tomorrow.

I had a sense that i was starting to get some control over both me and work today. Goodness its been so long. Still nothing ever happens without reason, or so they say.

Felt rather stiff today following all the exercise yesterday and just crashed on the sofa after work!
Managed to call Linda about next week and we still have not got travel arrangements sorted out yet.
Plenty of time i expect.

So today has gone in a blur although now thinking about starting a just giving site ready for donations/ sponsorship for the run next year. Have to ensure i can raise the money for the charity place. So lots of work to do!

Thailand's having problems and its not long now till Tom goes on holiday, oh dear another worry.

As i said short and sweet tonight but here are some pics of our lovely river Nene.

More tomorrow after all it is another day.....................

Day 213

Horror of horrors i arrived at Holkam all ready, boots on, camera out, only to find i had left it on all night and the battery almost out!! Managed to get to the beach and take a few snaps before it gave up on me. It was a beautiful day to boot!!

So back to the car no point carrying the camera, abandoned baggage and just carried a purse in the pocket.

No toilets at Holkam! unless you walk down the long drive to a cafe!! Must remember to use facilities at Wells next time!!!

Anyway the sun was out and it was glorious we walked, and we walked and we walked some more along the beach. In fact we walked to Wells and it was hard going in the sand i had to take of a couple of layers! Oh for the woodland path next time. Yes there will be a next time because i could have clicked away to my hearts content. Tim had to keep saying that would have been a nice picture! Grrrr

When we reached Wells we decided to go up the sand dunes, my word what a trek, Tim was laughing at me as i was having problems. I developed cramp in my toes!!! nothing as glamorous as a leg muscle cramp, oh no it was toes for me. I ended up taking my boot off and walking a bit without.
Thought me might get a coffee at a cafe. Closed for redecorating. So i spied the Ladies and thought i better go before the long hike back. Would you believe it they were being refurbished and the closest was the harbour. No way! we still had to walk back to Holkam. Woodland walk this time and it was so much easier.

No lunch then!! We decided to try Hunny and we found a lovely cafe for a meal thank goodness i was starving.
Lesson for next time take packed lunch!!!

All in all we had a great day arrived home and got bag out of the car only to find missed message from Ang my cousin who had said if we were in Holkam we could meet up. What a shame!! well i must message her as well tonight.

Home for an hour and then off to run!!! phew.
Joined the athletics club properly now! just think it was only on a trial when i pulled the hamstring. I know i have done just a tad too much today i ache everywhere!!

I'm going to heat up some wheat bags and hope they ease these old muscles of mine, it will soon be Thursday and my next run!
 I have just finished charging my battery and will upload some pictures later well much later, I'm too tired and tomorrow is another day..................

Day 212

Monday and back to work. I decided to brighten myself up and chose to wear red tights with black today! i was making a statement saying hey! look at me I'm fine. Did it work well i don't know.

Catching up from last week took up most of my day and once again its relentless but it does keep the mind occupied so there is little time to think about sad things.
Work does ensure i focus!!

I have changed my last annual leave day of the year, so instead of Wednesday I'm having tomorrow off. The weatherman predicts rain for Wednesday and wind so tomorrow looks as if it will be the last dry day of the month, so here is hoping.
The plan is for us to go to Holkam and see how far we can walk along the beach before the tide turns!!! An opportunity to take more photos! always a positive.

Its not long now before we head off to the Ritz and i cant believe its been over 2 months since we originally planned it!

We went for our walk tonight, making an effort to spend some time together i the evenings, well I'm off running Tuesdays and Thursdays and Swimming Monday and Wednesday. Back swimming next week because i cant go into the water for another week due to the eye surgery.

My long distance vision is fab now but I'm still struggling with needing reading glasses but that will come no doubt!

With the clocks put forward the evenings are much lighter and it does seem that the days are getting longer. With that gives me more time to think about Mikey. Today has been a little easier and although i realise i will have good days and bad sometimes i just cant get my head around it.
I know that i have been a miserable person to be around lately, but the harder i try the worse i am!!! ah well no ones perfect and I'm certainly a long way from being that.

I'm going to try for another reasonable nights sleep and that may have helped contribute to me have been feeling better today. Sleep deprivation? who knows. So i am off to bed and its only 2330hrs! good intentions, but just a minute, isn't the road to hell paved with good intentions? um i will ponder on that thought but not at this minute, however tomorrow is another day................

Day 211

I have been so tired today and i really don't know why. I have found it difficult just putting one foot in front of the other.

I found a thing on my profile that said notes. So i looked and i could also see friends notes, Mikeys came up and i spent the time reading what he said this time last year. How he was frightened about his future, not so much dying but about leaving Claire on her own. About being lonely and laying in bed just thinking all the time. I wish we had known i really do. I wish that i had been able to work the computer better as well then i would have been able to find important information that was there, if only i knew how. But i can't change the past. I so wish i was a magician, but even so that task would be to big for them! After all it's only an illusion isnt it.

This morning Tim asked me what i wanted to do. We are still desperately attempting to fill our days and pass the time of day as quickly as we can. Its an effort!

So i decided to go to Daffodil weekend. Two days where the village open itself to the public, hog roasts, sheepdog trials, Morris dancing etc. Well i have no sense of direction i know we started out well but then i kept falling asleep! Tim wasn't happy and said it was a waste of time coming out if all i was going to do was fall asleep. Valid point but obviously i failed in my attempts to stay awake because the next thing i knew we were in a service station and Tim getting out of the car saying i was to drive.

I hadn't a clue where we were! but rather than say, i headed for the exit joined the busy road somewhere and headed off to goodness knows where!  So there i was merrily driving along hoping against hope i would see a signpost saying something i knew! Tim sitting smugly in the passenger seat asking if i knew where i was going, yes i said we are going to Ely i had just spotted a sign saying Newmarket and Ely.

I managed to get us home anyway.

I then went and exchanged some sun glasses i bought yesterday! When i got them home unbeknown to me i hadn't realised they were mirrored! i looked like a 70,s American policeman!
So i bought two pairs just in case and asked Tim when i got home which looked better! Thankfully not mirrored and i kept them both. Tim thought it may be a good idea if i left a pair in the car! I wonder why.

Managed to persuade Tim to go for a walk before my run! and took some photos down by the river. We met an old friend of his and they spent a while talking about their youth!

Home in time for quick cuppa, my phone rang and my partner called to say she was stuck in traffic at Nuneaten and wouldn't make our run but we would go as usual on Tuesday.

I decided that i really must lose a couple of stones so i made some home made veggie soup. It only took three hours! i am sure i was doing something wrong, i have just tasted it and its fine!

Going to join weight watchers on line tomorrow night. No doubt it will take me ages to work things out on the page, and as i have promised myself an early night i better not get started.

Tom rang and he had missed some calls from another Rail company. Tom had applied for another job closer to home and his phone for some reason hadn't put the calls through. I don't understand what went wrong there but he must get himself a replacement. He will call them tomorrow to see what they wanted. I'm not going to get my hopes up. But it would be fab to have him closer to us.

Well to bed and thank goodness that tomorrow is another day............

Day 210

Its been a hard day today. Maybe its the change in the weather, i don't know.

I have ploughed through today dragging myself up to the end of the day. Waiting for bed but when the time comes, cant sleep anyway.

I am lucky that my friends have not forsaken me. The messages they leave are an inspiration to me to keep going. Lord knows sometimes it would be so easy to crawl under a stone and stay there. That's an easy way out. Why should i be so damned miserable when i have so much going for me. I cant answer that either. I do know that i am not the person i was.

Tim bless him keeps trying and i sometimes wish he wouldn't. Then i would resent it if he didn't. Its a no win situation for him really.

I do think that a mothers love is so different. When my parents died i felt none of the emotions that i have now. When i lost my brother when he was 47 i didn't feel like i do now. I have given it some thought. We grow up having parents in our life from our earliest memories. They are always there for you even when you don't want them to be. Always on the edge of what we are doing. When we meet someone we want to be with our parents get put to the back of our minds, but always there.

The love we have for our partners is something else, this is the person we chose to be with and love. A painful experience and yet so beautiful.
We have children to demonstrate our love for each other, we create a human being. We as mothers nurture their growth, we would fight to the death for them, they are without doubt a part of us and so when we lose our child we lose part of who we are.
It doesn't matter how much we search, that part so very special and unique is lost for ever.

I wish i was a time traveller............ and what would i do. Knowing what i know now?

Ifs, buts and maybes forethought and afterthoughts are wonderful things and our most powerful tormentors.

On that note to bed, tomorrow is another day.................

Day 209

Awoke to the Sunshine again. Lovely to have someone else in the house to think about.

Tom made our morning go very quickly and having someone else to share a meal with was grand.
Managed to get some photos of Toms car again and will try to send them to him, but i really am useless that that type of thing! Mikey used to help me with that although usually after telling me 3-4 times he would give up and tell me to work it out myself! so here i am doing just that.

When Tom left Tim took me out to Thetford for a walk and take some photos i now realise he probably knew how i would feel once Tom had gone, and maybe he even felt the same.

So we went to the woods and we were lucky to see two deer! i managed to get one on film but the other escaped me before i could click!! The sounds in the forest were so peaceful. The bird song carried at great distances. The sun was out and it really was like a summers day.

Home and the daffodils i planted after Mikey passed away are out in the garden in their glory. So bright and you can see them from the lounge, just as i hoped. How strange that when i planted them i thought they would brighten up our days, instead they were such a reminder of those sad days that i cry now when i look at them. Maybe its because i miss Tom so much. Having him here made me miss Mikey so much and i wished they were both with me.

Misery tore into me with a vengeance i could almost hear her mocking my efforts to escape her clutches. A trip to tesco resulted in me filling up at the checkout, i was watching the family in front of me two small children one in the trolley and the other pulling at his brother. I remembered when my boys were small and so wished it was me. How sad is that. So i am sitting here again feeling sorry for myself. I know it wont do but hey! its just the day i guess and it will pass and it will happen again. Still its the unexpected way it attacks that causes the problems.

Mothers day is coming and i will miss Mikeys card and phone call, i suppose that's another reason for feeling sad.

Well i have managed to download some snaps even one of Tom that i had to get by sneaking the camera round the fence.

                                                     Tom

                                             Tim having a quiet moment

                                             The deer is in here!!

                                           The daffs in our garden.

Well I'm going to try and get some photos on face book now, try and cheer up and remember that tomorrow is another day.................

Day 208

The sun was out this morning and it was a good day!!

Work went well and i was only in for a few hours this morning.

Eye appointment at Cambridge and all is well!

I saw 2 dresses last week when i went to Cambridge i bought one and then when i got home really wished i had bought the other. Anyway went back to the shop and not thinking it would be still there i was amazed there it was waiting for me. I picked it up and without thought of cost bought it!! Mikey you would be really surprised at what I'm doing!! I'm surprising myself.
Its a little black dress by Cynthia Rowley just right for the Ritz i think!! only two more weeks.

When we got home Tom came and hes staying over until tomorrow so that's fab. As usual lots of micky taking!! especially about my hair! and running kit ah well. He has just bought that bit of something that's missing. At the same time reminding us of who we are missing. It is so good to have someone else in the house. Our moods have lifted and Tim has had someone to talk to other than me.
Toms off on his holidays on the 17thApril and he is really looking forward to it. He has lost weight and not eating properly!!! so different to Mikey who was so able to care for himself and his home, Tom bless him just doesn't give a damn.
Mikey who was so aware of his appearance, always looking well kept. Tom is scruffy, needs a shave and a hair cut but just not bothered at all. Mikey bless him tried so hard to grow a  beard and managed a little bit on his chin which he refused to remove, he said he was keeping it for 6 months lol.
Mikey who so loved clothes and Tom who as long as he has a pair of jeans will wear them until they fall apart.
Tom has however had to work and has so little time, the shifts he does are very anti social. Mikey had the time to take notice of himself. I suppose when you are unable to work other things fill the time. When you are ill you just want all you can get out of life. Mikey's tattoos were an expression of himself and one of the few things in his life that he had control over. He looked wonderful.
Toms time will come. He always used to wear designer clothes before he was with Ash maybe that was the start of when things changed for him. I hope he finds someone else. I will look for tell tale sign!, shaving and taking more care of himself. Toms out tonight so i hope he is having a good time!! you never know do you.

Went running tonight and we did well. Start on Sunday our next week of our running programme!!

Time tonight with Tom lovely end of a day!! i wish it could have lasted longer, ah well tomorrow is another day

Day 205/206/207

Another blasted 3 days!!
I was attempting to blog on Monday evening. I had the night planned which included packing for the next morning. It was to be an early start and then the long drive to Oxford.
I regress, back to Monday.

The start of the day didn't go as planned! what i thought i would be able to do went out of the window when i had to go off to a hospital to do an assessment! That takes up so much of the day with travelling parking!! still always get a space in the sexually transmitted disease clinic car park! I'm not proud, its better than the wretched multi storey they have. I'm no good at those. The walk to the main hospital is a bit of a trek though but i really don't mind that.
Anyway back to work and its all just rush, rush, rush. Home about 6 and then got called in later in the evening because of some ambulance crew being difficult. The joys of management!
By the time i got back showered and packed etc it was too late to blog especially as i have real problems getting up in the mornings, um i wonder why.

Picked up early and off to Oxford! Get to the hotel where conference is and handed our bags over because of an over booking error made by the hotel we were supposed to stay in some of us had to go to another hotel. So that was not so good as we wouldn't have the time the others had to get ready and socialise.
We were then put on tables with people we didn't know for the whole day.

Lunch well , by the time we got to the salad counter there was no salad left! just a bit of tomato, some tuna and some cold processed sliced meat. So it was a jacket potato (hard) and tuna, still i thought we have our evening meal to look forward to.
On top of that our guest speaker was Nick Hewitt from The Apprentice. He was fab and he was so amusing. Gave a good insight into the apprentice and Alan Sugar and some of the contestants. He was staying to chat and mingle and let us have pics with him. We who had to move, had to get the mini bus so couldn't do that Grrrrrr. This was now 1700hrs. The evening entertainment was for 1900-1930pm and meal for 1945pm.

So we get in the mini bus 7 of us and there were 3 mini buses in total! we were then told that we were being picked up at 1815hrs!! and we were told the hotel was only 10 Min's away. Well that was a big mistake!!!
15 Min's later and still no sign of the hotel we decided we just couldn't be ready by the time they said. So after a call to my boss we agreed a time we could be ready and would tell the driver when we reached our destination. Almost to Aylsbury we arrived at 1735! and said no way could we be ready for 1815hrs but we would be ready at 1845hrs.
Finding our rooms, and yep not on ground floor and at the end of the furthest corridor from reception we found our bags in our rooms. As we had been unable to access our rooms at lunch time and hang our clothes up, they now needed pressing. So it was make a drink, run a bath and get an iron all at the same time. The water wasn't hot and the lighting was so poor you couldn't see a bloody thing!!! 4* hotel!!!!

Pick up for return journey!! we were told there would be buses running at the time we wanted from after the meal to midnight! Nope the bus would be there at midnight. Now you can imagine we were feeling pretty weary by now. Having to get up at 5 and travel to Oxford then not getting picked up till midnight and having to travel back to the hotel THEN we were told we would be picked up at 0715 the next morning!!!
We couldn't get breakfast till 0700hrs at the earliest. and the second day wouldn't start till 0915 re just refused!!!

We arrived back at the first hotel and i couldn't remember if i had put my knickers on in the hurry to get ready!! a quick trip to the ladies was very reassuring! all the others were already socialising and then, then came the evening entertainment. Murder mystery by some actors!! this was going on all through the meal and we had to guess who did it!

So here we were and this scene being played out whilst we ate, being told to be quiet to enable us to hear the players wasn't what we expected. Oh and yet again sitting with another group of people we didn't know!
The long awaited meal! Soup luke warm and wasn't nice so couldn't eat it.

The next course arrived about 2045hrs and it really was awful i ended up eating two pieces of broccoli. The beef was so fatty i though it was a crumble mix on the top! some sent theirs back i just left mine.
I thought the dessert would be promising, crumble. We waited so long that coffee was served and we ate the after dinner mints first, we really thought they had forgotten. Anyway along came the crumble and a spoonful of cream. I was sitting next to the H&S rep who informed me there was a hair in my cream!!! i didn't see it initially because of my eyes! Well that was that so i asked for an apple. I had to eat something. A red apple arrived. I cut it in two and lo and be hold it was bad in the middle. I gave up. The table were laughing at my misfortune. I did make some new friends as a result of the night though!!

We then had to decide who had murdered who! well we didn't have a clue, we couldn't hear most of what was occurring and we didn't really care either!
By now all i wanted was to go back to bed!! So we went for our mini bus and told it would be midnight. No way so we did eventually get one for 2245hrs but by the time we got back it was almost 2330. We decided to get a coffee and chat for a while outside. It was the only time we as colleagues had had time to mix with each other.

Mini bus was arranged somewhat reluctantly for 0845 hrs.

Up and had a good breakfast, we had already decided that we would not be staying on after the meeting for our lunch!! after the previous day we didn't think we would be missing much!!

Went to reception and just managed to get a lift. The mini bus was about to depart because they thought everyone was gone! Absolutely cream crackered by now.

Anyway we had a good ride home and Tim came and collected me from Tesco at Huntingdon.

Had a cup of tea and then went for McDonald's. And the bloody meal was luke warm, I gave up!! and had a bar of chocolate. Home and fell asleep! and unpacked and here i sit!!

Work in the morning, check up for my eyes at Cambridge in the afternoon. Toms coming home and I'm on leave on Friday so will have time with Tom Yippee.

Had a weep tonight because of all things a pair of shoes set me of. I wore them for Mikeys funeral and then i got thinking of the ones in the wardrobe i wore for his wedding. I struggled to hold back and the savage attack of grief was so overwhelming, it caught me unawares. I need to be alert for misery, she just doesn't let go once she has you in her clutches, she is forever waiting and ready to take advantage.

Ah well tomorrow is another day..................

Day 204

The eyes are getting better and at least i am managing to get the drops in now. The past few days its been taking a shot missing and trying again! i think i have cracked it now!

Windy and overcast this morning but the day calmed and we went for a walk. The birds were singing. A cacophany of sound. A mix of Crows, sparrows ans doves.

The sun cameout later and we went for our second walk of the day 6 miles!! armed with camera i hoped to manage my new camera. The past couple of days i was using the digital one where i could see the view on the screen. Last night i tried the eye piece of my new camera and coped ok so i thought just maybe i would capture that elusive shot!

Well i think out of the many i took one was what i wanted. I will try and down load them tomorrow night.

A phone call from my friend had me going into work. Her sister had died aged 36. There is so much tradegdy at the moment. It seems this year has started off where the last year ended! The sad thing is her sister and family are on the other side of the world. It must be so hard for her. Tomorrow she is setting off for home, alone. Gosh i wish i could arrange someone to go with her. It is not like here where you can get a bus or taxi. Its arranging a flight and trying to get one thats the problem. What a terrible thing to do on your own.
  I could offer only words. I know that isnt enough but having lost Mikey i realise that what ever i say will be cold comfort. The decision she had to make will haunt her but eventually she will come to terms with that, but she doesnt need to hear that now. Just letting her know i am here and allowing her to do whats right for her is as much as i can do. I care deeply for her and her loss and she will also know that with out words. Sometimes the less you say has the most effect.

It is at times like this that you can see how far i have come on the road to healing, mind you if someone said that to me i would probably disagree. Its all about making your own decisions and acceptance, not other peoples views. I guess thats where problems lay and where misunderstandings occur.

Tom phoned today, he continues to offer us comfort by asking for our help and advice. It doesnt mean he will take it though! We have been blessed with two wonderful sons. Both so different i just wish i had them both here now. Mikey remains always in our thoughts, in what we do and where we go. The seasons bring with it memories of happier days and for that i am so grateful.

I think the one thing that gives us solace is that we did our best. Some people would say perhaps not enough, but my greatest gift ever was to produce and raise a son that was loved as much as Mikey, knowing that the man he became was a result of how we bought him up.

The boys looks came from their Dad, thank goodness, we were blessed to have such hansome sons. Im a mum and i would say that!!

Tom continues to be a worry and i so hope he finds happiness. I pray for that!!!

Well im preparing for the two days in Oxfors but hate leaving Tim on his own, i worry about him. What a to do, still im sure he will cope.

Toms hoping to come down for a day at the weekend, it will be wonderful to see him. Tim and Tom will no doubt be talking cars! and the Grand Prix season, nothing new there then!

Im going to try and put a picture on of the wonder cliffs at Hunstanton. They talk about Dover but i think these on the Norfolk coast are outstanding.

Wonderful dont you think.

Well i better get those drops in and then to bed because tomorrow is another day.

Day 201/202/203

Yeah, yeah, yeah OK so i said i wouldn't leave it 3 days to blog again but having had the eyes done i found it a little hard to see!

So here i am and sitting in a pair of lovely blue and black reading glasses. Sounds odd but then the last 3 days have been weird to say the least. My shopping trips have had some very bizarre results too.

Anyway got to clinic on time!! park and ride. Tim decided to stay with me thank goodness.
Called in to re do scans and they were fine. Next see surgeon and was then to wait for a slot.
Surgeon very nice and once discussed my job had me in straight away!! no hesitation. Procedure wasn't bad really, i did as i was told. Now that's a first but i didn't think i was in a position to argue.
Taken back out to Tim who thought i had only seen the surgeon then realised i had been zapped. So i was given drops for almost everything to take home and the goggles. Return next morning for check up.

Soon as i hit outside the eyes watered, no that's not true they streamed!! and i couldn't bear the light sensitivity. There i was hanging onto Tim with my eyes shut walking through Cambridge. No mean feat!! I was wearing Tim's sun glasses, cos mine were prescription ones!! another pair of glasses to buy after all.
Riding on the bus was a dead give away to the other passengers! i think it was the designer carrier with eye drops in that gave the game away!!!

Home to sleep and by the late evening i could see really well although a bit blurred but i could see quite well in the dark.

Next morning eyes were good apart from the fact close up was really hazy and i couldn't see my watch or the face on my mobile!! i thought that would clear.
Gets on the bus and i couldn't tell what coin was what!! so i asked the driver to help himself, Tim looked on in despair and headed for the back of the bus! At least the eyes were not watering very much and the light didn't hurt my eyes now.
Got the all clear and carry on with drops and come back next week, oh and i passed the test that said i could drive!! my word. The eye sight was dramatic in the way in which i could now see. We did a bit of sight seeing, had a meal which i couldn't see very well still blurry and looked everywhere for a dress. Now that was a problem!!

I saw the dress straight away but it was the wrong size. I moaned all morning and into the afternoon because once you have your heart set on something that's it. You know what you want and nothing else will do.
Tim insisted we go back, not much point really it was a size 8. Anyway Tim in desperation picked 3 dresses looking at the sizes but he didn't have his glasses either. It included the size 8. There was no way i was getting into that but to keep him happy i dragged it into the changing room. To my utter amazement it fitted!!!! Clutching it to my chest i went to the counter. Size 12 madam said the assistant. I must have looked shocked because she again said just checking you wanted a 12. Bloody eyes i couldn't even see what the label said! When i told Tim he said i told you it looked as if it would fit!
So i went home very happy!!!

Later in the evening i said i would give the night vision a try. They also corrected this during the treatment. Well it was fantastic!! the car lights now look like little sparklers, no glare and i can see the roads!! i could have stayed out for ages.

Today we went to the coast and stopped off at Lynn to get me some reading glasses and a top to go with the dress. Still wearing sunglasses as i have to wear them for a week, i found the perfect thing and in the right colour, a purply pink. I look good in that colour. Struggled with the reading glasses. I had to wear a pair of the display to find the right size!!! i gave up with the sun glasses. Tim stayed in the car.

On the way home we saw a man knocked off his bike and i could see everything from a distance. That made us a little sad, someones relative would be given bad news today.

Got home and showed Tim my top. Not like you to buy pink he says. To my horror when i took the sunglasses off i had got bright pink!! So back to town, luckily we had same shop to change it. Glasses off briefly spotted the colour i wanted, not in my size!!! so i bought red! no logic is there.

Tonight the moon was super sized. I struggled with camera lights in the garden, so Tim bless him said i will take you out where there are no lights. He did!! the middle of the Fen. So out i get, or so i thought i was still strapped in the car!. Then i couldn't see how to work the camera! had to find some glasses Tim kept i glove box. Then Tim shut me out of the car! the long grass rustles and i was back in the car as the shutter went on the camera!!
What a few days!!

Anyway i have blogged now and tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 200

I really am struggling. The amount of effort its taking just to drag myself through the days are taking there toll.
I know that from some of the comments i have been having.

One example springs swiftly to mind. I went to assess one of our residents in the hospital. on arrival i introduced myself and said i was here to see Mr........... One very observant nurse who sadly only heard the last part of the conversation said oh you have come to see your husband!! Now this lovely man is in his 80's. So not feeling very charitable after hearing that remark asked  'do i look old enough to be his wife' gee i know i look rough some days but surely not that bad!!! face lift looks very appealing. I may have said this once this week but there you go, memory failing too.

So a short blog tonight. I will not be able to blog tomorrow because of the eye surgery, but thanks everyone for your messages and big hug to D who loves me!!!!!! what a friend.

I'm also worried about a beautiful lady called S who is unwell at the moment. I know she is a strong person and i have to say very fit!!!!!! sadly doesn't know her left from her right. Cant wait to hear how her next exercise class goes.

Work continues to be a big rollercoaster ride. I can feel the momentum gathering from the morning and until i leave the building. No respite at all and so much to do. Still can see a small chink of daylight.
The work pressure is taking me away from the things that matter at home and i do feel that i am being robbed of some quiet time to reflect and indeed to think about Mikey. I want to get his photos loaded into albums and i have my snaps to get on as well. I miss reading my books and i just have no time. I know that i swim and run now in the evenings so maybe that's what is cutting my days down. Well the summer is coming and the days are lengthening. The evenings are getting lighter.

I am not a brave person so i am now realising that tomorrow i am having eye surgery. What have i agreed to. I cant really beleive i actually went and had the consultation and then agreed to treatment!!! Still it wont last long, i keep telling myself that. What a baby i am considering all Mikey went through. So Sue just stop whittling on and get a grip!! OK but Mikey told us to do something new every month, i think this is a tad extreme!! ah well best get some rest, apparently i will be sleeping in goggles for a few nights! That's all i need i can only think i will resemble one of those cooks on a motorbike, um two fat ladies!!  Ah well tomorrow is another day.........................

Day 197/198/199

My word its been like pulling teeth trying to find the time to blog!
So i now have three days to write about.
Its really so i can at some point look back and see if i have managed to move forward with my life or if i am stuck in some horrible limbo.

Well anger seems to be the word of the past three days. Gosh no wonder i have wrinkles!!! I must send for some instant face lift stuff off the net!! maybe that will raise a smile! anything at the moment would be better than the frowns and disapproving looks I'm getting at the moment.

OK so i made the mistake with the diesel, but things got worse when Tim spotted a puddle on the kitchen floor on Sunday night. I had left the freezer door ajar when i came home in the AA van on Friday night and in my hurry to put groceries away left the door open

One freezer of food gone to waste. Eek, i tried to dive for cover and crawl back to the dog house which did suddenly look very appealing! nope the gate was slammed shut and i had to face the music!!

Why me, well i said my lottery win will go towards the cost, ha all £10 sadly Tim didn't see the funny side of that comment either!

Well i got to run on Sunday morning and it went well. The programme i have at the moment will, i hope help ease me into running gently without causing more damage. It seems OK and holding up. Just a bit of a twinge.
Managed to persuade Tim to go for ride to Graffam waters for a walk and it was OK had better days out!! but it passed some time. Things were picking up till the freezer business!!

Work really is a beast at the moment and i am spending hours at home in the evening trying to catch up. I did say i wouldn't do this anymore but i cant seem to follow my own advice. Still i think i have cracked one task only another hundred to go!! So damn stressful and tiring. Getting too old for all the pressures maybe.

The girls want to go to Country living exhibition but i cant go, I'm in Oxford for a few days that week and it really wouldn't be fair to Tim. Still its the Ritz in a few weeks time.

Had my hair coloured red! not 100 % sure about it but it will grow on me,(excuse the pun)  Tim said he prefers it short and blonde but its a change i think.

Today i had to finish on time for run tonight. Still managed to get caught behind! so it was swift cup of tea and out. Managed to keep to programme. My running partner makes me laugh so much that i am not sure how i will manage a longer run. Tenna ladies spring to mind!
A walk again tonight with Tim and sadly a bag of chips whilst out walking!! i know i have no will power at all! At this rate i will gain pounds not lose them.

The weather looks set to be fine at the weekend so hoping i can get out with my camera! i did take some snaps of the fuel change at the week end!! the AA man looked a little surprised when out comes this wonderful piece of equipment and me snapping away. I will try to get them on the computer this week end.

Well its swimming tomorrow night, football on TV so that's Tim fixed and then Thursday its eye treatment so i wont be able to blog Thursday but Friday i hope to see clearly again!

Friday I'm on leave and hopefully after eye check up we will have day out!

So I'm going to check my messages and try to answer them and then to bed and tomorrow is another day...

Dat 196

Another bad day!!! I have spent the whole day in the dog house and received the silent treatment.

The man came this morning and drained the whole system in the car, what a waste really cos he took all the new fuel out that i put in last night!!! so the 21 litres of fuel i put in last night instead of £30 cost me £300. I know its a lot of money, but that's all it is at the end of the day. No one is hurt, the car not damaged just a costly experience.

Men, or is it just my man who thinks he is so perfect that mistakes just do not happen!!
My word my patience has been sorely tried today. By this evening i just had to get out and have some time to myself. Now that's strange considering Tim has not spoken all day.
However its best to be alone in silence than being in silent company!!!!

Look i made an error, so what, is it worth all this aggravation. I don't think so. Be mad and then get over it. The trouble is the longer it goes on the harder it is to get back onto an even keel again. at this moment in time not sure if i can rustle up the effort required.

I just don't understand it. After all we have been through the past few months and still coping with, surely this is a minor detail in the grand scheme of things. Obviously to Tim its a major catastrophe.

Perhaps it is just me, but i cant see what all the drama is about.

So my week end has been spoilt, yes perhaps initially by my stupidity but Tim has to take some responsibility, he wont though.

Tom phoned bless him and tried to Cheer me up. He was laughing and asked if Dad was still awkward! he knows him well. Tom said its easily done and anyone can make the same mistake, he did try to tell his dad that but to no avail!!

The bungalow was in darkness when i came home so i can sit here and blog to my hearts content!!! trouble is it isn't. Oh well,i am not going to worry about it.

I can feel myself getting cross about the waste of precious time, best not go down that route or i will be here all night.

This blog really is my solace. I can get everything off my chest. Maybe if i come back to this page in months ahead i will laugh. Maybe!

Linda's at Crufts looking at some smaller dogs to breed, shame we didn't have a man show and breed all the traits we as women want in a man. I wonder what they would be like?
Theres a thought. Well in off to bed I'm up early in the morning for a run.

I am going to put all thoughts of today at the back of my mind have a good read in the spare room!!! and see what the morning brings after all tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 195

I should have known what the day would be like really. Why oh why couldn't i have had the sense to recognise the warning signs.

I was woken by Tim this morning to come and watch the T.V. The news was on and was showing the earthquake in Japan and the devastation caused by the following Tsunami. The next item on the T.V was the story of the young lady with C.F and her blog. It was very moving and upsetting. Tim had to leave and went outside.

Work and visit to the hospital and i was there for 2 hours, and could not believe how things are now and what is being missed. Very upsetting and made me wonder about nurse training today. It does seem that the wretched computer has taken over as being more important than basic care and observations.

That was my morning gone with travelling etc.

Afternoon just got worse! and still cannot keep up, still had the though of the run in the morning to keep me going.

Went to shop tonight and decided to fill the car up, Tim always keeps telling me not to leave it empty. Rush, rush, rush. Got out to fill the car and the pump had been padlocked. Drove round the other side , filled the car and as putting the nossel back realised i had filled up with the wrong fuel!!! and it was petrol to diesel. I remembered not to start the car!!

A call to the AA and they had to tow me home and arrange to have tank drained in the morning. Phoned Tim whilst i waited.

Oh dear not a happy bunny. I hadn't told him the cost at that point. Must be the most expensive litre of fuel going. I had also filled it up!

Phone call to my running partner, early run off as i have to sort the car. Luckily we have rearranged for Sunday morning.

So i am well and truly in the dog house.
Mikey would have said has anyone died, no? OK, so whats the problem its not the end of the world. Sort it.
He must take after me!!!!

Still Tim still miserable and gone to bed!!

Of course i realise how stupid it was, but accidents do happen, don't they? 

So of course i am feeling very sorry for myself right now but hey ho tomorrow is another day! 

Day 192/193/194

I cant believe it that i have struggled to blog for 3 days!!!

My days at the moment no longer seem to be mine! and yet i have managed to get back on the road again with my running. A new programme and the knee seems to be OK. I know that i haven't as yet really put it through its paces though.

I managed to run on Tuesday evening and again at lunch time today!!! Wow i have never taken a lunch break and exercised. It did however give me a bit more energy today to get me through yet another very busy day. Oh and swim on Wednesday evening!!!

My time has been spent pulling ends together at work and yet seems to be almost immeasurable. What have i got to show for the hours i have put in?

People and time on the phone takes up a huge part of my day, still that goes with the territory and we are lucky that we are in such great demand at the moment!!

Hospitals are struggling with beds so i would think that has huge impact on our type of provision.

Tonight Tim and i went out for a meal with friends and have only just got back and i have at least another 4 hours work to do. Not going to happen because i can feel myself falling asleep!!! but i so wanted to blog.

Its been 7 months today since we lost Mikey and as i have said before Thursdays continue to be really hard still. Its important to fill our day to stop us thinking too hard.

My very dear friend D continues to give me so much support via messages and its amazing what comfort her words give me. So if you are looking in at my blog, thank you, love you loads, xxx oh and am envious of your photo gallery!!! i will have to get out and about with my camera!!! and yes i will get over to see you.

So for the next few days I'm going to be a miserable beast trying to catch up for next week!!
I'm running again Saturday morning eek!
Cant make up my mind about hair colour and if i should go red! i just think i will, that's for Monday.

Laser eye treatment Thursday, Tim keeps joking about my potential 20-20 vision returning. Goodness what if i can see what i truly look like. At the moment i look at myself in a lovely hazy blur! well that's for next week.

Our lovely young man next door came out of critical care today so we hope he gets over this hurdle quickly, it is a worry for his parents and siblings and they know that the period he remains well may be short but life is precious as we know.

Looking over at the pile of papers and cant face it after all tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 191

I awoke to sunshine and the birds singing. Yet i remember what day it is. I wonder if my life is now going to be about remembering dates and days.
Mikey is so missed and i really do try and think about Tom as well but i feel overwhelmed by memories. Trying to remember good times and not just having the important meaningful dates.
I do so wish we still had Mikey, the time filling works for a bit. I can tell myself that I'm getting on with life, but to be honest I'm not. That's not meant to be sad or depressing it just is.

Living has no little meaning, the days pass as small milestones on a path i have found myself on and not really sure how to turn around and get on the one that's Tim's and Toms. I am just kerb crawling and i don't mean that literally!!

Still enough of that, misery hovers over me waiting to pounce and i just cant cope being in her embrace at this point. That is for another day.

Our young friend next door remains in critical care and an attempt to wake him has resulted in the need for him to be sedated again. The patch developed a fault and one of his lungs is not functioning well. I continue to hope for the best for them all.

Tim's been busy in the garden and its looking good.

Its going to snow!!! according to the forecast well there  is an old saying never change a clout before May is out. Perhaps we should heed the old wives tales!!

I'm back on the road tomorrow night and hope all goes well with the knee and i need to get the application in for the marathon next year quite soon. It will be here before we know it.

Tom continues to hope for a move and will be so pleased if it happens. We are so fragmented as a family at the moment, but perhaps its just my expectations of what would be best for us all is flawed. Goodness only knows it wouldn't be the first time i got things wrong!!

I can hardly believe that i have blogged before midnight!!! that has to be a first. Maybe the the start of some early nights and early mornings! i think I'm kidding myself and this is just a blip!!

So, owards and upwards, after all tomorrow is another day....................

Day 190

Well that's the week end over with!!!

Beautiful sunny day and we had a couple of walks. Spring was wearing her best hat today and was definitely showing off all her new wardrobe. What a difference a week makes.

Sad to think that a year ago this day we waved Mikey off to Newcastle to have his transplant assessment on the Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. Seems unreal. In fact today i have just thought i cannot cope with the finality, so i haven't. For today i just imagined that Mikey was away and we haven't seen him for a while. That's it!! if i think like that maybe time will whizz by. It wont though will it?

What a mum does to come to terms with the loss of a child. If only. For such a very little word it has such enormous possibilities, if. Memories cant be stolen though, so that's a blessing. Memories can be lost though and that is worrying. Will someone remind us i wonder.

Well i have heard from the Breeder of pups we love and we have talked about it some more and are going to put our name down for a litter in the future. We are away in June so i think it would be better to wait until after then, Tim will have the time to spend with him, we will have to have a boy.

Work soon comes around and before we can blink it will be Friday again. When you get older time flashes past and at the moment i am glad of the. The wheel of time gains momentum the older you get.

I'm going to cycle to work this week. Gosh that sounds like a bit of a promise, it will do me good. The bonus will be that those low flying birds will not deliver there waste on the paintwork of the car. Lord only knows what they have been eating lately! Petrol and diesel cost continues to rise. What and how those who have to work outside of town will do if it gets any more expensive i don't know. What legacy are we leaving our future generations?  Will it be a community who cannot travel farther than they can walk. No experience of the world, little education and no work. Sounds grim, have we had the best. Makes you think.

Well on that happy note its bed for me and , tomorrow, is another day...........

Day 189

What a change in the weather again. Its bitterly cold and could really have done with wearing my gloves.

A trip to Lynn this morning and it was misty. The type of day when it feels as if the clouds have dropped slightly. Miserable to look out of the car windows. Still the trip was fruitful, for me at least.

All we are doing is passing the time. Filling the hours until bed time.

This afternoon i walked to Eastwood and looked for our plots. Found them. It was strange to look down and think that one day that is where we will be. People will walk past and perhaps recall our names. I sat on a bench and thought about all sorts of things and how can it be that at my age i am planning for the end of our lives so Tom doesn't have to worry about it. I don't think we would have done this if we hadn't lost Mikey. It is certainly me coming to terms with my mortality. It rained and then i realised i was sitting in this enormous flower garden all alone. I wasn't worried about where i was was or that everyone in the garden was no longer with us, but i began to realise that it was a dangerous place to be. There are so many odd people now living in the town. Crime rate has escalated and people are being attacked on the streets in the early part of the evening. Perhaps we should go out in twos now. That is so sad.
So i left and thought to return another day.

This evening yet again we were both looking at pups on the net. However Tim suggested i made an enquiry so i have. No response so far. I do hope we get another dog. We will have so much more to think about. Well the bikes off the discussion this week end. Never know Tims internal mercury levels keep fluctuating with the weather!!!

So its that time of the night again. Next door have been away all day. I can only assume they are at the hospital. I hope all is well.

No idea what we are going to do with the rest of the week end. Had a call from work, and i must look at rotas!!! ah well tomorrow is another day.........

Day 187/188

I know i know another two days!!

Yesterday started fairly well. I went to Cambridge and after a long consultation they said i was suitable for laser treatment on my eyes. Appointment booked for laser surgery on the 17th of this month.

Well Mikey another something new!!! i am trying.

We couldn't believe the cost of car parking at Cambridge. £21 for 5 hours thank goodness we used park and ride.

Mikeys friend has lost her battle and we do feel very sad. Our next door neighbors son is now in critical care following a really bad bleed.
Both boys next door have also been unwell for several years and we have been friends since we all moved here together in 1996.

Initially we though it was a bleed from his lung but it was found to be an aortic aneurysm which ruptured. Lee has had piece of muscle taken from his throat to patch it and is now on ventilator and sedated in the hope that he will recover.

I spoke to his parents last night and we just supported each other. The question remains, why do they have to suffer so much. We don't know. His mum and dad are like us, they know that if he recovers in a few weeks it will be another infection and so it goes on. There is no hope like some people have with an illness just an inevitable end, some time. Its living with that that's so hard.

What this has done to us is remember all the times we had with Mikey and to discuss how we felt. Most of all how the time passes so quickly.

It seems five minutes since Mikey would come hope from school, get on his bike and go and play cricket. That was 12 years ago. I expect the next twelve years will go past before we know it. We will be pensioners. How scary is that. So if we want to do things it has to be now.

Today we got confirmation of Mikey and our burial plots!! its taken since August. We were told at the time the council were slow but even we didn't think it would be that long. There is room for Tom as well if he chooses to lay with us. Enclosed was a map showing our plots so this weekend i will wander down Eastwood and check it out. At least we are on the end of the row right next to the path. Lovely!!
Do i keep it clean and maintained now? i expect so so i will be off with my bits and bobs and give the plot a once over. How odd is that!!

It has been a lovely day, the sun has shone and once again we can feel spring in the air. The buds are really showing now and some even sprouted out to become little leaves!! a few more weeks and the whole landscape will be different.
The herd of highland cattle just of the bypass looked wonderful today. Their coats long, thick and red were outstanding against the green of the fields. We should take the time to stand and stare.

My sisters have been very quiet the past week or two so i must give them a ring to find out how their diets are going. Ha i bet they have lost pounds. My diet has gone west! i keep saying it but i really must get a grip because its not long now till we go to London. Yippee all being well i will not have to wear glasses.

Tim's had the day on the garden and i have to say it looks much better. I thought he may have found a sheltered spot and caught a few rays but no time for that he said!!

Work continues to be very hectic and i have this week to meet my own targets!! lets hope i can.

Tim told Tom about my eyes and he said whats next the face lift. Tim said no she cant afford it now cos of her eyes!!! I just said that's for next year!!

My hair continues to grow and i can now tuck it behind my ears! so get two elastic bands round the length at the back. Ooh may be bunches. Do they call them that now??

Its really late and i have heard next door come home, i hope all is well. To bed because Tomorrow is another day.

Day 186

That damned CF!!!!!!

I haven't got much to say today. Work has exhausted me and i have spent almost all day there. Also returned twice this evening!

Personally feel so very sad that another family is experiencing similar emotional turmoil as Tim and i. That is something i would not wish on anyone. Tim has also been affected by the news. Tom felt very sad for the young lady and said life just doesn't seem fair at all.

I read a short verse,
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal
Love leaves memories no one can steal.

I think that is true and sums up very quickly everything.

I'm off tomorrow but have sack full of work to do!!! and we are off to Cambridge. I'm going for consultation to see if i am suitable for laser eye therapy. I hope i don't get bad news. That I'm too old!!!

So an early night, tomorrow is another day........................

Day 184/185

I know, i know i have missed another day.
Yesterday i just couldn't muster a write up. I think the news of another CFer just made me pause for a while.

Tim and i have questioned the ability this group of young people have in dealing with death and living with the thought of this eventuality. Its amazing. I think one of the most important things is the close network they have of sharing their feelings with each other. After all they are the only ones who really understand each other.
As a parent we were often in denial. Even though we knew that Mikey would lose his life to CF we still had this hope that all would be well. That Mikey would receive a transplant and have a good life at some point. Even when he was so ill we still couldn't grasp that the inevitable was around the corner. We thought that Mikey was having the same problems that they would all have. How bad is that. We just couldn't see what was happening. Or we didn't want to. It was OK talking about it and it would appear that we had accepted what would happen, but they were just words with no body to them. Now we know and wish we had grasped what our eyes were seeing. Mikey was so brave, every time we asked about how he was feeling he would say he was fine. Perhaps he as the child was protecting us as the parent. I'm sure he was.

So we move on, but do we? are we just acting out what we think we should. Is this how we will live through the rest of our lives? yes i think it will be. The brain is anaethasising our emotions. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? i guess we will never know the answer to that. I will have to accept that many of our questions will remain unanswered and remain a mystery. If we can accept that truly, then i think we will manage.

So to our life as we know it now, moves ever onward.

Work has been a beast! i struggle more now than ever. I have become aware of my need to get a firm grip. This has resulted in late nights again. This must stop to enable Tim and I to have the time together. Yet i feel that i have been pushed along a road i really do not want to tread yet. I feel in some way that i haven't had time now to come to terms with my loss and yet cannot stop to get of this endless wheel of work, home, bed. Work, home be. I just don't know how to break the chain.
I suppose something will give and that will be that. Adrift on a tide going nowhere. I cant wait!!

Purpose, i need it back. I was so full of it a few weeks ago, and now i have to push myself to get on Roger. Still athletics is waiting and once i start again that will sort me out.

The blog tonight seems depressing, oh lord i do believe misery has found me yet again!  Swamped in her bitter embrace and feeding her with sorrow! cant have that. But for today i will allow myself a little bit of wallowing and remember that tomorrow is another day..............