I cant ask him but it makes me so sad that i couldn't offer comfort if it was. How lonely he must have been feeling.
He was so incredibly strong and it makes me feel almost inadequate as a parent that all this was going on in his mind as well as coming to terms with the possible end of his life. How on earth did he keep sane, how on earth he didn't crumble i will never know. I am aware that he had so much support from other CF sufferers and he kept in touch and chatted with them on the CF site. What a comfort that must have been for him. All these young people from all over the world keeping in contact with each other is pretty amazing.
And then was Maddie, Mikeys very close friend who he loved and shared so many of his worries. I am so grateful that he had her in his life.
Do we take our friends for granted? may be us fit and healthy people do, i know Michael didn't. How he loved!! One of the things he used to say was don't judge just accept. I read a quote tonight and it went.. if you spend time making judgements you have no time to love. That's a lesson i think for us all!! I am trying. Its not easy and yet Mikey managed so why cant i.
I think if you have everything to lose you do look at life differently. I hope our time away this week end will give us the time to talk without distraction and come to terms with some of the changes in our lives. Something or someone has to give, will it be me? if it is can i live a life like that. I don't know, we can only try our best.
I may be spending to much of my time analysing situations,events and comments too deeply, i should just accept as Mikey said. I wish i could I'm to me!!!
It talks of snow for the week end!! Tim said we may be snowed in for 6 months, my reply was well one of will come out in the spring!! but who will it be. Survival instincts say me!!!! reality says Tim. We shall hope for an early thaw!!!
My beautiful niece Joni continues to be a great support always texting to see if we are OK. Tom and Joni keep in touch and i am so pleased Tom now takes the time to answer her. I wish Tom and Mike had been closer. That's families, it is often to late to make that effort and then live with the consequences. I know Tom misses Mikey and he still feels that he should have been sorted for a transplant much earlier. Tom sees things in black and white. I chose not to other wise i will beat myself up every day.
Mikey was the adult who made his decisions and we always respected him and his choices. We didn't always agree but we kept that to our selves. Tim said yesterday that if he had persuaded Mikey not to have had the operation he would have been so upset to have seen him lying in bed knowing that there was no future for him. Tim could not bear that. I think we are slowly beginning to discuss what happened and although its hard i do think we need to talk.
At the time of Mikeys death we did talk but slowly in our distress we closed our minds to that and focused on other things happening at the time. We have not been able to have closure yet.... but tomorrow is another day
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