Day 86

21st November!!! 28 years ago today Tom was born. Thank goodness we couldn't see into the future then.

Having your first child gives you so much hope and you imagine all their life for them. What they will achieve etc your dreams are all happy ones. Never in a million years did we  imagine how we would be feeling 28 years on.

Would we have changed anything, that's such a hard question to answer. Would we have been happy not to have had Mikey in our lives, absolutely not. But most certainly wish we had never had to deal with CF and all that comes with that. We have met some wonderful people but no one would want their child to suffer as we watched ours.

It was strange not seeing Tom today and not having a birthday cake!!! We always have a special day no matter what. But not today. Toms not into relationships at the moment. That may change, however i don't think that Tim or I will ever be grandparents. So i really ought to clear the loft of the vast amount of games Lego etc that we have up in the loft. Mikeys action men all in their original boxes. Mikey so looked after all his belongings. Was so very tidy. Toms the opposite, or was, maybe he has changed!!!

I have had a few dodgy moments today, holding back the tears but sitting here now can feel my eyes filling. I can so see his face on that last day, and i so wish i could turn back the clock and hold back time. Sadly i am aware that its impossible. Odd but in this last sentence there are three song titles well almost!!

Went to Eastwood today and took some silk flowers for mum and dad. The weather is changing and the sisters may not be able to get when its their turn. I looked for our plots today and thought about who will visit us. No one will. there will only be Tom. In a 100 years i wonder if visitors to Eastwood will look at our markers and wonder who we were. You never know it may be me in another life. I hope i make a better job of it next time around!!

It talks of snow for next week!! and we are away on Friday. I am looking forward to it now. Not sure how we will cope so far from all we know but i truly believe that if we don't go now then next year will be so hard. The last time we were there Mikey had just split up with Claire and was devastated. We didn't want to go away but he insisted. We arranged for my sisters to visit and keep in contact but for those two weeks he kept himself to himself and spent most of the time asleep of was very low in mood. It was then that he decided to get his camera. He only had a few weeks to use it. If we only knew!

I'm getting sad now and that means i will not be able to sleep so on a happier note......... um cant think of anything!!! ah well Tomorrows another day!..........