The trees were skeletal this morning. Tim outside early sweeping up the leaves. He looks tired this morning. He has aged so much in the last few weeks. Its as if i am more aware of other people around me as well.
A waking sleep. That's where i have been. What a shock coming to, i thought yesterday was bad but today that awareness of others makes me feel guilty that i have been so wrapped up in myself i have ignored those closest to me. How patient they have been.
The wind is blowing winter ever onwards. Marching towards us with a vengeance. I feel so cold! Physically and emotionally.
Its strange that i am able to express myself here. I seldom let people in. I am sure to the outside world, i present as this stern unfeeling person. A person who can manage work and staff in a cold efficient manner. Oh well you cant win them all. I wonder how many of the people around me take the time to look beyond what they see. Everyone hurts, decisions do not come easy and i worry about how staff are going to manage in the months ahead. I very much doubt that they think i care. In order to make unpleasant decisions you cannot become to close to those around you. Very much easier said than done. I have this dreadful habit of speaking first and thinking later!! i say things as they are, never meaning to upset anyone but i do anyway. Mike could be very cutting with his comments!! but honest. Mike also had good dress sense. You know one of these people that could look really nice even in a duster!!! You could always depend on him telling you if the clothes suited you or not!!!
Its dark now when i come home from work and i cant believe its Friday already. Its the last Grand Prix of the season this week end and it looks as if its going to be exciting. Mike would have loved it and full of it! Tom i know plans his week ends around the races.
Harry Potter is released next week. Mike desperately hoped he would live to see the last one. How sad he will not be able to, i wonder if we will go to see it on the cinema when we are on holiday! Tims not keen and Tom was never as interested as Mike and I. Well we shall see.
Tim looked at my bike and freed the dynamo but the lights still not working. Umm wonder whats wrong with them!!
Got loads of exercises to do from the physio and i am going to see him once a month until the big day!! that's to make sure i can stay as fit as possible. The things you do!!!
Bought a new dress this evening. Not at all what i would normally chose. Trying to be a little adventurous!! I hope i haven't left it to late.
The strange thing about living within a CF family has been how your life becomes structured without realising. Time is so important, meds, physio, meds, meal, meds,snack. meds sleep physio and so on. Slotting in the pleasurable things in life. This becomes the norm. For 25 years we have had what many would call an abnormal life style. Even when Mike moved out we still managed our day as though he was here. Isn't that strange. Even making sure we had phones with us just in case! getting home from a day out and not staying out late. We could have changed very easily and yet these habits are so very hard to break.
I think this is what is so hard. Why life is now empty. We haven't got all of that to think about and a huge void is proving hard to fill. Will we ever be able to get into another routine. Oh my goodness routine!!! do we need one? How did Mike get so much out of his life i ask myself.
I don't know what we will do this week end. I hope it stays dry so we can re felt the garden shed. Maybe a trip down the driving range! We will see.
Today i feel positive, but tomorrow is another day!.........
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