Day 75/76

I missed blogging yesterday so will try to cover two days!!

Yesterday started with rain. A trip to Newmarket for a meeting. In many ways i felt i had woken after three months and discovered that the world around me had continued and left in its wake a multitude of work to catch up on. The meeting was a method of returning. I felt able to contribute to it and felt comfortable and able to concentrate. However i was overwhelmed by this sudden rush of tiredness mid afternoon.
It was if i had had an energy surge in the morning resulting in complete burn out.

The journey home had me thinking about the weeks ahead and i had that old feeling of wanting to succeed. This didn't stop me almost falling asleep at the wheel of the car.

Arriving home i was to tired to talk to Tim even though i knew he wanted to chat about my day. I just grabbed a cup of tea and found myself wanting to sleep. I got on my bike for short ride. I was absolutely stunned by the change in the weather. It was freezing. I also discovered that my lights were not working!!!
Home again and swift walk to Jonis to take her some money for Linda!!

Home again and suggested we go for a walk later.

Off for a walk and the frost was present on the cars. Now who said we were in for a long winter!!
The crows are seldom wrong!! All year you can tell how the seasons will be by watching the birds behavior.

It was so cold we bought a bag of chips and ate them whilst we walked. We were able to chat.

We continually talk about going away and still cant decide. This has been a problem of ours for years. Mike really despaired of us with our uncertainties!! It was talking about Mike that gave me the push to act!!!


I haven't been able to sleep since Mikey died. There i have said it. I don't believe it but its said. I cant say it out loud though. Isn't it strange that its been three months today. Its remembrance day. I hate Thursdays.
I go to work and its pouring of rain, miserable weather, the frost has gone!!!

On the phone and i have booked a long weekend in Devon! Log cabin all mod cons. A treat. Not like me to be so impulsive. Who cares we cant take our money with us can we. What do we work for if not to have some pleasure. Whats the saying, we work to live, not live to work!!
The morning at work was stressful to say the least. This was lifted somewhat by my boss who helped ease some of the tension of the day.

Lunchtime i went home to see Tim. Tim had cooked a fab meal, just right for this weather. I told him about the holiday, he seemed pleased.

Returning to work and more problems well that's why i am there i suppose. I feel confident we can adjust to the changes that we have to make next year. My work day ended on a positive note. Work has kept my mind of Mikey and getting upset.

Physio on my back tonight and I'm feeling fine!! Suggested i start power walking but only short distances and gradually build up. That's something to look forward to.

Camera should be here soon yay!!!

Spoke to Tom today and he seemed positive in his tone. He has had a few issues to deal with but his house should soon be in his name only. What a lot he has gone through and he is all alone in Doncaster.
I asked him if he would like a new phone or laptop for Xmas. We really do not feel like celebrating and we have decided that's all we are doing this year. If its purchased nor before everyone gets in the festive spirit we think it will be easier for us. Who wants to shop with all the happy excited children rushing around the centre. It will remind us so much of what we have lost.
We do not feel complete now, i expect that feeling will never leave us. I thought about Mikey tonight . That flash of wanting to tell him something, realising i couldn't do that but at the same time denying that he is not with us.
I want to forget the events leading up to his death. Shut it out and imagine all is well. I think i understand how Tim feels i little now. In his mind Mikey is sleeping and we want see him for a while. Its as if we will blink and our time will be here to join Mikey.

Its scary in many ways how, when you are older time seems to go so much more quickly. It doesn't seem 5 minutes since the boys were at school. Look whats happened. Where has the time gone.

My hand is really playing up and i wonder if it is the weather, the Dr at the hospital said at the time that it may be more painful and stiff in the winter. Can you believe how stupid it was to trip on a plastic strip ending up with so many fractures in one hand and having a plate inserted. Age related? who knows. I am a little concerned about walking out in the winter!!!

We had a lovely letter today from Papworth Hospital thanking us for the donation for the CF unit. Tim's putting the letter in Mikey's box. Its like a treasure box all the cards from friends and relatives etc, the memory book and various items of Mikes. I will when i am ready put all the bits in the book i have, but not yet!

At last we have small things to look forward to, holiday, meal and dance in December. Cant remember the last time i went dancing. Hope i don't trip up and break something else!!

Something else new. Cash machine lol. Had to get Joni to help me use it!! See Mike we really are trying new things!! Minor maybe but big to me. Tom was chuckling about my behaviour today. Well who wants a boring Mother? I have never been that!

Well to bed. Soon be morning, and we can hope for better things after all tomorrow is another day!...........