Day 67

My goodness. What a maelstrom of emotions.

I felt really good last night and for most of today. I felt positive. I had been able to look at Mikeys photographs today without crying. Instead it was as if i have distanced myself from feeling anything at all.

Tim was quiet today until this evening. I have become a different person since Mikey died. Only in the way i now don't care!! I always was one for avoiding conflict. Would agree even if i didn't. I could never cope with an argument. If i was not happy about Tim i would usually head for the bedroom and have a conversation with my reflection in the mirror saying all the things i wanted to to Tim but never did. It was easier that way.

Now if i don't agree i say. Oops that has now resulted in us not agreeing with anything. I guess it comes as a  bit of a shock to the system. Maybe this is a good time to introduce change. On the other hand maybe not.

To say we have a huge void in our lives is an under statement and trying to fill it almost impossible. Both trying our best but in doing so we are growing father apart. Maybe its still early. 12 weeks on Thursday. Still such a short space of time.

We perhaps also realise how important children are no matter the age, and how they unite the family. They are the essence of what family means.

I can no longer be everything to everyone. I can no longer absorb all problems and resolve them. In trying our best we often fail and never quite understand why. Should we always analyse ourselves and others. Too much time is wasted in doing so.
We just have to be!! i am just me, this is who i am. I am comfortable with who i am at the moment. I think this is a result of the tragic loss of Mikey.

i am now walking again and planning for the marathon!!

Got tickets to see Sally Morgan in February. Her tickets sell out so quickly.

Going out on Saturday and Tims coming hope he enjoys it. Well he will have a change of company!!!

I'm off to Oxford on Thursday and having Friday off, just hope that isn't an error!!

I'm so tired and still cant sleep may be sleep deprivation, who knows. Ive cleaned out cupboards and moved furniture around tonight . Ah well. Tomorrow is another day...................