Well we managed to get here and the weather has changed, we have rain!!
It's been quite strange, we have talked about Mikey and Tom endlessly. We have been to places that we so enjoyed when the boys were small, it's hard getting older and it's hard excepting at so much time has passed by. We really do not appreciate our lives until we reflect back. That's another lesson I have learnt these passed two days, no matt how we wish or try, we cannot turn the clock bac. Neither can we change the memories they are exactly that, memories of time past.
Can we look to the future, well I don't think so, we just have to live for the moment, every moment.
We are creating memories with every step, and I wish we would remember that all of the time.
Time seems to be the subject of this blog tonight!
So we have walked miles since we have been here and I have embarked on a gorilla hunt, photos and expectation on my return home!!
I'm sitting here and can here the rain pouring down onto the caravan roof, lets trust that by the morning good weather will be ours, I doubt it somehow.
So today I bought a miniature sculpture of a mouse called Wilfred. It stands about 3inches. To me I sometimes think of myself as the mouse in the corner, watching and waiting my time, but never underestimate the power and determination this small creature has!! I will place him next to my Olympic medal! and my dragon sculpture now what does that say about me I wonder.
Tomorrow we plan to discover the times of the paddle steamer that's running up the river dart, I wonder if we will get a chance to try it out!
I also bought a fab Henry Holland skirt, oops ah well I'm on holiday!!!
Brixham has been bought into this century, they have really improved the area since we were last here. Would have been nicer if it had not been raining but never mind. Tomorrow is another day.......
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Friday, 6 September 2013
1077-1084
7 days well that's an improvement!
The running has remained constant and a couple of cooler runs does wonder for confidence in ones abilities!
So what have I been doing well I guess the couple of days off at the beginning of the week enabled me to at last catch up on a few tasks that have been on hold.
Another first for me, one parcel sent out of country! have now had the opportunity to do that.
Uni course work submitted today just in the nick of time!!
Relay planned and will do trial run when I come back from holiday. Off to Devon in a few hours, packing done, Tims in bed as he will be driving. I have no sense of direction so we could end up anywhere but our true destination!!
Its been raining today so it could be that summer has come to an end! ah well its been a long hot one this year. Mikey would have been in his shorts for months!
Ready!!! well as ever I will be.
It does seem strange going back to Devon where we have had so many happy memories, just hope I can see them this year.
Ive been to busy at work to think about much of anything I seem to be brain numb! but im going to try this year to blog daily if I can access the site from my ipad. If the weather is bad I will have plenty of time so, lap top, ipad, and books all packed, that includes the ipad for dummies book I purchased recently and have not had the time to read. I may even down load some apps!!
Ipod in my bag for some music of my taste while we travel! well I can always pretend when Tim asks me if im asleep!!
Right then bed I guess for a couple of hours and see what the morning brings, after all tomorrow is another day............
The running has remained constant and a couple of cooler runs does wonder for confidence in ones abilities!
So what have I been doing well I guess the couple of days off at the beginning of the week enabled me to at last catch up on a few tasks that have been on hold.
Another first for me, one parcel sent out of country! have now had the opportunity to do that.
Uni course work submitted today just in the nick of time!!
Relay planned and will do trial run when I come back from holiday. Off to Devon in a few hours, packing done, Tims in bed as he will be driving. I have no sense of direction so we could end up anywhere but our true destination!!
Its been raining today so it could be that summer has come to an end! ah well its been a long hot one this year. Mikey would have been in his shorts for months!
Ready!!! well as ever I will be.
It does seem strange going back to Devon where we have had so many happy memories, just hope I can see them this year.
Ive been to busy at work to think about much of anything I seem to be brain numb! but im going to try this year to blog daily if I can access the site from my ipad. If the weather is bad I will have plenty of time so, lap top, ipad, and books all packed, that includes the ipad for dummies book I purchased recently and have not had the time to read. I may even down load some apps!!
Ipod in my bag for some music of my taste while we travel! well I can always pretend when Tim asks me if im asleep!!
Right then bed I guess for a couple of hours and see what the morning brings, after all tomorrow is another day............
Friday, 30 August 2013
Days 1057-1077
20 days this time, guess that's an improvement but still not good.
August is such a rotten month and this year I have really struggled. Misery came looking and found me waiting, she wrapped me in her mantle and there I remained until now.
The Wicken Fen star gazing night. Our yearly adventure watching the Perseid meteor shower resulted in all of us invading my sisters garden. where an enjoyable peaceful night occurred. I was so glad of the company. We were worried about sending up my lanterns for Mikey, as the fields were so dry, but we risked it. My poor brother in law was chasing a lantern which was hovering above the ground. It skimmed the surface before lifting up and sailing across the star studded sky. An amazing moment.
I had a message from Mikeys friends mum, her son passed away 5 years ago and she said it has become harder not easier. In some ways that gave me comfort knowing I'm not so unusual. There isn't the opportunity to talk to other parents, we seem to be a group that no one wants to cope with!
I've managed to juggle time and spend some of it out on my new bike with Tim as well as running rather poorly. The weather has been so hot and I really struggle and with the harvest brings those pesky blighters of insects. I have become rather sensitive to their bites and had a couple of courses of antibiotics etc. attending A and E as a result of one of them, same as last year.
The summer running route takes us across the fields, through the pocket park where we are closed in by trees. The pollen count has been high and I've suffered! The summer has been long and hot, it would appear that the crows were right!!
Attempts have been made at the club to try and help the slower group to improve. My word those nights have been really difficult but I do think they have helped.
I've managed to get some Long runs in at the weekends but now I'm working that's a trial!
I am still having to travel most months and its so time consuming.
I have my uni assignment to write and have a couple of days to get that in, ah well will try on Monday or Tuesday
I seem to have found my joy in running again. I am so grateful for that. I was about ready to call it a day when I experienced Mikey close and the fact that I shared a very special moment that was so vivid enabled me to carry on, it was the push I needed. When the going got harder, he was there.
Across the other side of the world is a very special lady who has also been someone to lean on, who has propped me up with her words of love and support, who seems to message me just when I needed it most. Between the two of them I have my mojo back and I'm running better than I ever have.
So I'm running in a 58 mile relay, thank goodness my leg is only 7.2 miles, and in October I have a half marathon, I'm feeling more confident about that now. I have lost weight, drinking more water and feeling fitter. Maybe that has helped as well.
I'm working this weekend so I think I best get to bed. I really am just taking each day as it comes and tomorrow is another day...................
August is such a rotten month and this year I have really struggled. Misery came looking and found me waiting, she wrapped me in her mantle and there I remained until now.
The Wicken Fen star gazing night. Our yearly adventure watching the Perseid meteor shower resulted in all of us invading my sisters garden. where an enjoyable peaceful night occurred. I was so glad of the company. We were worried about sending up my lanterns for Mikey, as the fields were so dry, but we risked it. My poor brother in law was chasing a lantern which was hovering above the ground. It skimmed the surface before lifting up and sailing across the star studded sky. An amazing moment.
I had a message from Mikeys friends mum, her son passed away 5 years ago and she said it has become harder not easier. In some ways that gave me comfort knowing I'm not so unusual. There isn't the opportunity to talk to other parents, we seem to be a group that no one wants to cope with!
I've managed to juggle time and spend some of it out on my new bike with Tim as well as running rather poorly. The weather has been so hot and I really struggle and with the harvest brings those pesky blighters of insects. I have become rather sensitive to their bites and had a couple of courses of antibiotics etc. attending A and E as a result of one of them, same as last year.
The summer running route takes us across the fields, through the pocket park where we are closed in by trees. The pollen count has been high and I've suffered! The summer has been long and hot, it would appear that the crows were right!!
Attempts have been made at the club to try and help the slower group to improve. My word those nights have been really difficult but I do think they have helped.
I've managed to get some Long runs in at the weekends but now I'm working that's a trial!
I am still having to travel most months and its so time consuming.
I have my uni assignment to write and have a couple of days to get that in, ah well will try on Monday or Tuesday
I seem to have found my joy in running again. I am so grateful for that. I was about ready to call it a day when I experienced Mikey close and the fact that I shared a very special moment that was so vivid enabled me to carry on, it was the push I needed. When the going got harder, he was there.
Across the other side of the world is a very special lady who has also been someone to lean on, who has propped me up with her words of love and support, who seems to message me just when I needed it most. Between the two of them I have my mojo back and I'm running better than I ever have.
So I'm running in a 58 mile relay, thank goodness my leg is only 7.2 miles, and in October I have a half marathon, I'm feeling more confident about that now. I have lost weight, drinking more water and feeling fitter. Maybe that has helped as well.
I'm working this weekend so I think I best get to bed. I really am just taking each day as it comes and tomorrow is another day...................
Friday, 9 August 2013
Day 1010-1056
another 47 days since last wrote. Every day I sit and think about writing and yet I never do.
I have asked myself so many times why not, at the same time spoken sternly to myself each morning that I should have, my trip home telling myself tonight!
I haven't any answers, I just seem to lack the motivation to write. Well lets be honest I've lost motivation full stop.
I think that maybe, just maybe its because I have done those things I said I would and now what's left. I give myself small challenges but nothing fills the void or gives that feeling of success or purpose.
I could ramble on about meaningless things day to day events, nothing special just up in the morning, work home in the evening and so on.
Am I so different from so many other people and I would suggest not but don't really know what I want or need.
I guess I am just a very small ship afloat on lifes ocean, and its vast!
Running in the Olympic stadium didn't give me the buzz that it visibly gave to so many others. I still don't know why. I felt that way after the marathon and the walk, job done I suppose and on to the next. It shouldn't be like that though. The build up and the hard work the hours spent attempting to get better and all for what? Yes I do enjoy the running I enjoy the feeling of doing something for me, the time to think or not to think that's probably the best reason, even the pain at least it reminds me I'm alive!
Going to London 2 -3 times a month is not something I enjoy, the fact that every month I'm away and then have to miss running, train journeys are fraught with delays and waiting. Grrrr. I hate the fact I feel so miserable most of the time, when I'm not usually, and I hate the fact I feel as if I'm moaning.
I'm not getting out with the camera as much as I used to, I'm getting home later in the evenings often not home till after 7pm which leaves so little time. By the time I've had a drink changed out for a walk with Duke its almost time for bed!
Since working weekends which results in working 7 days straight so then having the Monday and Tuesday the following week increases work load because you have so much more to do in the 3 working days. I think I'm just tired and could do with a holiday. Roll on next month when we are off to Devon for a week!
Its that time of the year and it has not got easier at all. Yes we go through all the motions of course we do but I still struggle. Probably for a month before we reach where we are now. Every day we think of Mikey, every day I think about having a conversation, everyday I tell myself its not going to happen but everyday I still think it might!. Now that's not normal, is it?
Even the fen landscape is failing to move me, the world has lost its gloss or can I see it for what it really is. Now that's a sobering thought.
Its off to Wicken Fen this weekend maybe a bit of quiet time in the middle of nowhere at one with nature will give me some solace, I will wait and see.
I cant believe that I no longer enjoy reading, me who has had a book glued to my hand since I could read, even that doesn't offer any escape. Ah well.
I hope the next time I write I will be more positive I'm feeling rather depressed by my own writing! well at least I have that insight so perhaps all isn't lost yet, but tomorrow is another day!
I have asked myself so many times why not, at the same time spoken sternly to myself each morning that I should have, my trip home telling myself tonight!
I haven't any answers, I just seem to lack the motivation to write. Well lets be honest I've lost motivation full stop.
I think that maybe, just maybe its because I have done those things I said I would and now what's left. I give myself small challenges but nothing fills the void or gives that feeling of success or purpose.
I could ramble on about meaningless things day to day events, nothing special just up in the morning, work home in the evening and so on.
Am I so different from so many other people and I would suggest not but don't really know what I want or need.
I guess I am just a very small ship afloat on lifes ocean, and its vast!
Running in the Olympic stadium didn't give me the buzz that it visibly gave to so many others. I still don't know why. I felt that way after the marathon and the walk, job done I suppose and on to the next. It shouldn't be like that though. The build up and the hard work the hours spent attempting to get better and all for what? Yes I do enjoy the running I enjoy the feeling of doing something for me, the time to think or not to think that's probably the best reason, even the pain at least it reminds me I'm alive!
Going to London 2 -3 times a month is not something I enjoy, the fact that every month I'm away and then have to miss running, train journeys are fraught with delays and waiting. Grrrr. I hate the fact I feel so miserable most of the time, when I'm not usually, and I hate the fact I feel as if I'm moaning.
I'm not getting out with the camera as much as I used to, I'm getting home later in the evenings often not home till after 7pm which leaves so little time. By the time I've had a drink changed out for a walk with Duke its almost time for bed!
Since working weekends which results in working 7 days straight so then having the Monday and Tuesday the following week increases work load because you have so much more to do in the 3 working days. I think I'm just tired and could do with a holiday. Roll on next month when we are off to Devon for a week!
Its that time of the year and it has not got easier at all. Yes we go through all the motions of course we do but I still struggle. Probably for a month before we reach where we are now. Every day we think of Mikey, every day I think about having a conversation, everyday I tell myself its not going to happen but everyday I still think it might!. Now that's not normal, is it?
Even the fen landscape is failing to move me, the world has lost its gloss or can I see it for what it really is. Now that's a sobering thought.
Its off to Wicken Fen this weekend maybe a bit of quiet time in the middle of nowhere at one with nature will give me some solace, I will wait and see.
I cant believe that I no longer enjoy reading, me who has had a book glued to my hand since I could read, even that doesn't offer any escape. Ah well.
I hope the next time I write I will be more positive I'm feeling rather depressed by my own writing! well at least I have that insight so perhaps all isn't lost yet, but tomorrow is another day!
Sunday, 23 June 2013
Day 950-1,009
Oh my word its been 59 days since I last wrote.
I think I began to see my writing as just a diary of events. Maybe that's a stage we go through, I'm not sure.
May was such an eventful month. Mikeys birthday which was sad. We sent off our usual sky lantern and it took off in a totally different direction than usual. We stood in the garden and watched with amazement as it flew swiftly upwards and across the houses passing Dannys and off towards our old home. We wondered if this year would be different for us. To date it hasn't been!
Well I managed to get my outfit for Maddie's wedding, lovely simple White Stuff dress and I even went back to the same shop for shoes where I bought shoes for Mikeys wedding. It was quite odd because I picked up the first pair and knew they were right for me. They went with the dress perfectly. Although I was going through the motions I still didn't feel joy.
Off I went alone, I knew I would not know a soul and I had only met Maddie very briefly at Mikeys wedding but we had formed a relationship via facebook. I was quite anxious really but knew it was the right thing to do. The train journey was eventful. Normal for me! I boarded the wrong train, I did manage to miss the underground though. Went miles out of my way but eventually reached Richmond. What a lovely place. The hotel was right next to the Richmond Park where the venue was.
As I was dressing I thought perhaps I will not go but still carried on getting ready. I constantly though of Mikey and how he would have loved the day. He would I think have been pleased I was making the effort on his behalf. Those thoughts spurred me on. Taxi called for and off I went. I was dropped at the wrong door and nearly gate crashed another wedding! I managed to find the right room and stood outside waiting not sure about what to do or who I would meet. A kindly gentleman asked if I was OK and when I explained who I was looking for he informed me he was Maddies Uncle and ushered me up the stairs.
Maddie looked stunning and I need not have worried, when she saw me she just showered me with love. Jack was such a nice man and the other guests made me so welcome. I sat and people watched. I knew that Maddie spent more time with me than she should have and after a couple of hours I said my farewells and went down to call for another cab.
I waited in the grounds and was fascinated by the aeroplanes. We must have been close to Heathrow. the planes were so low that you could see the lights on and the windows. How odd that I have never seen this sight before. Another first for me.
The taxi came and as we drove through the park we passed groups of deer so close that we had to wait for a small herd to cross the road. Wonderful. I must go back and have a run through the park one day. Apparently the deer are very used to us and do not object to the cyclists, runners and vehicles.
I was able to reflect on the evening when I returned to the hotel. What an adventure! Mikey told us we were missing out on life and I do believe he was right.
The journey home the next day was just as remarkable. Rugby was playing at Twickenham and I was in awe of all the crowds in their fancy dress that pored down the platforms. Males dressed as safari hunters and women in the skimpiest outfits I have ever seen. The cat suits looked as if they were painted on! Another first.
Well I managed to get on the right trains and crossed the underground like a pro! Another first.
I was so pleased I went and eternally grateful to Maddie and Jack for letting me share their day.
I had so little time to think about much else before the next weekend. Our walk of 40 miles.
The journey down was full of laughter and some trepidation. The theme of getting lost seemed to follow me! We decided that after our evening meal we would try to find the start of the race. Well we drove miles and in the dark. We didn't find it! Still we thought not to worry everything becomes clear in the day light.
We had initially booked rooms for two of us to share. However when one of the group informed their bed mate she slept in the raw I ended up with another room mate which made three. We had such a laugh it was like being on a school trip!! We were tired before we set off!
The morning soon arrived and we stopped for a group photo. Me wearing the t shirt my fab cousin sent from America. I have to say it was nicer than the ones we got from UK CF. It also became a topic of conversation!
The start was explained to us and the following route, we were not expecting so many hills. We walked through thick woodland, climbed over trees, faced thick muddy routes and all in good humour. We were making good times but Sue had another blister which we managed to cover. Off we went again. It wasn't until we reached 30 miles and stopped that Sues problem became more serious one minute I was talking to her as I was changing my socks the next she was on the floor needing the help of paramedics, we only found out later that she lost half of her toe! We sadly left her hoping she would be able to join us for the last leg. We got lost! not only that but so did another group. We had no phone, Sue had been holding the one phone whilst Sarah's was being charged!!! no way to contact out driver. Luckily the other group had one, they phoned their driver and asked them to tell ours where we were. After 14 hours of walking we reached the end. We were all pleased with our achievement. To date we have raised almost £2000 for CF how fab was that.
It was late, nowhere open to eat except a McDonald's on the way back to the hotel. We had 30 miles to travel back. When we stopped and attempted to get out of the mini bus we were all stiff and had to be pulled out! it was so painful and we must have looked quite odd to all who watched us attempt to walk into the dining area. Getting back up and getting into the bus was just as traumatic. Still a good rest sorted us out. No blisters and no injury for me!!
So what next!
The joys of travelling again as I commenced my Uni course. Monthly trips to London for the next year, well that should be straightforward, shouldn't it!
I have so improved with my running and have now broken the 10 minute mile pace, I am so pleased with that. just hope it lasts as I tripped up whilst walking with Duke that I twisted the ankle again! and jarred the knee. Still I'm at physio tomorrow.
Still so much to say but I am getting writers cramp so I will sign off and, really do plan to return tomorrow. I have messages to write to my cousin and Maddie. I probably will not get to do them tonight but................. tomorrow is another day!
I think I began to see my writing as just a diary of events. Maybe that's a stage we go through, I'm not sure.
May was such an eventful month. Mikeys birthday which was sad. We sent off our usual sky lantern and it took off in a totally different direction than usual. We stood in the garden and watched with amazement as it flew swiftly upwards and across the houses passing Dannys and off towards our old home. We wondered if this year would be different for us. To date it hasn't been!
Well I managed to get my outfit for Maddie's wedding, lovely simple White Stuff dress and I even went back to the same shop for shoes where I bought shoes for Mikeys wedding. It was quite odd because I picked up the first pair and knew they were right for me. They went with the dress perfectly. Although I was going through the motions I still didn't feel joy.
Off I went alone, I knew I would not know a soul and I had only met Maddie very briefly at Mikeys wedding but we had formed a relationship via facebook. I was quite anxious really but knew it was the right thing to do. The train journey was eventful. Normal for me! I boarded the wrong train, I did manage to miss the underground though. Went miles out of my way but eventually reached Richmond. What a lovely place. The hotel was right next to the Richmond Park where the venue was.
As I was dressing I thought perhaps I will not go but still carried on getting ready. I constantly though of Mikey and how he would have loved the day. He would I think have been pleased I was making the effort on his behalf. Those thoughts spurred me on. Taxi called for and off I went. I was dropped at the wrong door and nearly gate crashed another wedding! I managed to find the right room and stood outside waiting not sure about what to do or who I would meet. A kindly gentleman asked if I was OK and when I explained who I was looking for he informed me he was Maddies Uncle and ushered me up the stairs.
Maddie looked stunning and I need not have worried, when she saw me she just showered me with love. Jack was such a nice man and the other guests made me so welcome. I sat and people watched. I knew that Maddie spent more time with me than she should have and after a couple of hours I said my farewells and went down to call for another cab.
I waited in the grounds and was fascinated by the aeroplanes. We must have been close to Heathrow. the planes were so low that you could see the lights on and the windows. How odd that I have never seen this sight before. Another first for me.
The taxi came and as we drove through the park we passed groups of deer so close that we had to wait for a small herd to cross the road. Wonderful. I must go back and have a run through the park one day. Apparently the deer are very used to us and do not object to the cyclists, runners and vehicles.
I was able to reflect on the evening when I returned to the hotel. What an adventure! Mikey told us we were missing out on life and I do believe he was right.
The journey home the next day was just as remarkable. Rugby was playing at Twickenham and I was in awe of all the crowds in their fancy dress that pored down the platforms. Males dressed as safari hunters and women in the skimpiest outfits I have ever seen. The cat suits looked as if they were painted on! Another first.
Well I managed to get on the right trains and crossed the underground like a pro! Another first.
I was so pleased I went and eternally grateful to Maddie and Jack for letting me share their day.
I had so little time to think about much else before the next weekend. Our walk of 40 miles.
The journey down was full of laughter and some trepidation. The theme of getting lost seemed to follow me! We decided that after our evening meal we would try to find the start of the race. Well we drove miles and in the dark. We didn't find it! Still we thought not to worry everything becomes clear in the day light.
We had initially booked rooms for two of us to share. However when one of the group informed their bed mate she slept in the raw I ended up with another room mate which made three. We had such a laugh it was like being on a school trip!! We were tired before we set off!
The morning soon arrived and we stopped for a group photo. Me wearing the t shirt my fab cousin sent from America. I have to say it was nicer than the ones we got from UK CF. It also became a topic of conversation!
The start was explained to us and the following route, we were not expecting so many hills. We walked through thick woodland, climbed over trees, faced thick muddy routes and all in good humour. We were making good times but Sue had another blister which we managed to cover. Off we went again. It wasn't until we reached 30 miles and stopped that Sues problem became more serious one minute I was talking to her as I was changing my socks the next she was on the floor needing the help of paramedics, we only found out later that she lost half of her toe! We sadly left her hoping she would be able to join us for the last leg. We got lost! not only that but so did another group. We had no phone, Sue had been holding the one phone whilst Sarah's was being charged!!! no way to contact out driver. Luckily the other group had one, they phoned their driver and asked them to tell ours where we were. After 14 hours of walking we reached the end. We were all pleased with our achievement. To date we have raised almost £2000 for CF how fab was that.
It was late, nowhere open to eat except a McDonald's on the way back to the hotel. We had 30 miles to travel back. When we stopped and attempted to get out of the mini bus we were all stiff and had to be pulled out! it was so painful and we must have looked quite odd to all who watched us attempt to walk into the dining area. Getting back up and getting into the bus was just as traumatic. Still a good rest sorted us out. No blisters and no injury for me!!
So what next!
The joys of travelling again as I commenced my Uni course. Monthly trips to London for the next year, well that should be straightforward, shouldn't it!
I have so improved with my running and have now broken the 10 minute mile pace, I am so pleased with that. just hope it lasts as I tripped up whilst walking with Duke that I twisted the ankle again! and jarred the knee. Still I'm at physio tomorrow.
Still so much to say but I am getting writers cramp so I will sign off and, really do plan to return tomorrow. I have messages to write to my cousin and Maddie. I probably will not get to do them tonight but................. tomorrow is another day!
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Day 920- 949
Its been another 4 weeks. I often question whether its because i have lost the desire to write, but it isn't the case at all. Its still hard to sit here and share all emotions and feelings but there is a sense of loss now that what ever i have written seems so pointless. What have i achieved, i don't know. I'm not sure that was ever my intention though. Intentions, now there is a word. One i so often use and whilst they have always been good i do frequently remind myself that the the road to hell is paved with them.
I just feel that the last few weeks have been so difficult and what ever ground i gained on the grieving process went in minutes when i lost my phone. The phone itself was nothing but the fact that it had all the messages from Mikey on has affected me more that i could possibly imagine.
So what do i do, yes i still run, but that first run after losing the phone was so painful and i questioned what i was doing, i pushed until i hurt and achieved little in the process. Nothing changed. So i walked and even the gloss of why we are doing it seemed to have faded and again i wondered why.
News that another friend of Mikey's lost her battle was a reminder of why we have to do something for those with cf, can we make a difference, yes i think so, its nothing grand but the message is out there.
So i run and i walk and maybe on the day of our big walk i will feel as if Mikey is with me even for a short time.
Mikeys friend marries soon, so i booked the hotel, no outfit yet, still i tend to leave things to the last minute. There is no urgency in my days anymore, no real purpose. Just another 24hrs to get through. Is this what life is going to be like. Grey! i hope not.
Tom does bring such joy to our lives, it doesn't matter if its dog sitting, washing or just listening. A child at whatever age is such a gift.
We had our days out and Duke enjoyed his day care so we booked him in for a week, maybe with the summer coming things will be better. I don't hold out much hope.
Spending the day at the London marathon was an adventure and to be amongst the crowd seemed so very far away from when i ran last year. Impossible to think that i did that. How on earth i did is amazing! but my head was in the right place on the day!!
I am looking forward to the long runs on Sundays again and training for the half marathon in October.
I may just enter the anniversary ballot to run in the Olympic stadium again in July, that's if i remember in the morning to enter!
I have unpacked my case, made a drink so i suppose i better get to bed, i will make no promises about my return to this page i hope its daily after all tomorrow is a another day
I just feel that the last few weeks have been so difficult and what ever ground i gained on the grieving process went in minutes when i lost my phone. The phone itself was nothing but the fact that it had all the messages from Mikey on has affected me more that i could possibly imagine.
So what do i do, yes i still run, but that first run after losing the phone was so painful and i questioned what i was doing, i pushed until i hurt and achieved little in the process. Nothing changed. So i walked and even the gloss of why we are doing it seemed to have faded and again i wondered why.
News that another friend of Mikey's lost her battle was a reminder of why we have to do something for those with cf, can we make a difference, yes i think so, its nothing grand but the message is out there.
So i run and i walk and maybe on the day of our big walk i will feel as if Mikey is with me even for a short time.
Mikeys friend marries soon, so i booked the hotel, no outfit yet, still i tend to leave things to the last minute. There is no urgency in my days anymore, no real purpose. Just another 24hrs to get through. Is this what life is going to be like. Grey! i hope not.
Tom does bring such joy to our lives, it doesn't matter if its dog sitting, washing or just listening. A child at whatever age is such a gift.
We had our days out and Duke enjoyed his day care so we booked him in for a week, maybe with the summer coming things will be better. I don't hold out much hope.
Spending the day at the London marathon was an adventure and to be amongst the crowd seemed so very far away from when i ran last year. Impossible to think that i did that. How on earth i did is amazing! but my head was in the right place on the day!!
I am looking forward to the long runs on Sundays again and training for the half marathon in October.
I may just enter the anniversary ballot to run in the Olympic stadium again in July, that's if i remember in the morning to enter!
I have unpacked my case, made a drink so i suppose i better get to bed, i will make no promises about my return to this page i hope its daily after all tomorrow is a another day
Monday, 25 March 2013
Days 879-919
28 days! that's a whole month. I spoke last time of just drifting well Ive been carried along on a strong current and just beached!
I very often question what i do with my time and how i mean to do things and puff its weeks past.
Its not as if i have been doing anything exciting, days of work roll into the weekend where i do my training walk and its back to the grindstone.
Work has been interesting with a huge project underway now a massive refurbishment. Statistical manoeuvring is not my strong point and i am faced with daily challenges by the time i arrive home its past 7 and tired! I try to leave early n Tuesdays and Thursdays to run and have managed it with a push. Resulting in Tim and i spending less time together. At least i am on least this week, weeell i had to go in for a few hours this afternoon!!!
The days are getting longer and I'm now leaving work in the daylight, always a positive feeling. The weather has been changeable to say the least and yet again faced this weekend with snow.
We have got our charity web page up and started and now trying to sort out a mini bus to get us down to Guildford and its only 7 weeks away. How odd, we should be looking forward to warmer days and yet it feels as if we are still in the middle of winter.
Mikeys friends wedding is only 6 weeks away and I'm looking forward to the day, must book a hotel! job for tomorrow.
Its coming up to a year since the Olympic run and have a celebration run on Thursday. Luckily we can enter and run with friends as getting together would be really hard as we are dotted about all over the country and abroad! Need to wear race t shirt, blast it has short sleeves! and get a photo. The running has been good lately and i do think the walking is helping although Tuesday run is always hard, still suffering from Sunday. We are up to 25 miles now and my knee is starting to groan! so i think i will walk every other weekend. I'm confident i will manage the 40.
Shopping today and bought a new waist bag and rucksack. Sundays walk found me with sore tops of arms, so bag may not be right for me, now is the time to try new things, oh and some new headys! they are a godsend in this cold weather. 5 layers of clothing makes it tough to waddle let alone walk and trying to use the facilities!!! is a nightmare, As i said i enjoy a challenge. The company is good and we are never short on conversation! Getting out of the bath after a long soak is proving to be a tad difficult! and then falling asleep mid conversation with husband doesn't always bode well!
I'm rambling tonight and no order to my thoughts just writing what i remember, that's saying something as the old grey matter appears to be fading! such is age!
Sue one of our walkers is on her 5th or 6th pair of shoes, just trying to get some that suit her, lets hope Sundays pair are OK, still we did have to stop twice and apply plasters! not an easy task in snow and wind, freezing conditions and no fence to lean on when you want one!
I felt as if Misery had hold of me a month ago and her grip has been relentless, now i feel she is perched on my shoulder constantly whispering in my ear. The sadness is overwhelming at times and yet passes like smoke on the wind only to meander its way back a few minutes later. I think in some way i almost have comfort knowing shes there, if she goes away does that mean i am forgetting and i don't want that to happen so perhaps I'm even wishing to be miserable or sad. Mikey would be mortified and would hate that i am wasting so much time on self indulgence and would tell me to get a life!! but its just so hard.
I have a place in the Great Eastern Half Marathon in October and was reminded quite strongly that i need to get my passport sorted out so another job for this week, still i have been saying that for almost 3 years. 3 years in August i cannot believe it, time is the most curious of things.
Duke went to doggy day care today! we are trying to get him used to leaving us, and then we can go away for a break, when I'm not sure i suppose i should start looking.
Gosh its so cold sitting here tonight a can feel the draught cutting across my feet, well i should wear my slippers, ha a sure sign of age creeping up.
Dads birthday is coming up so i will go to Eastwood This weekend and take some flowers and give them a spruce up ready for the warmer days!
New trainers arrived from USA and i have now become an e bay user, that's another thing different i have been successful in my bids lol. Mikey would have been amazed that i was doing this, still would wonder if i have done it right!.
The steering on my car went last week, no the week before as i drove to work! and took a week to repair! Tom had also had his car off the road so we were all sharing one car for a while, me staying up till Tom finished, taking him home so i had the car in the morning, tom taking me running so he had it in the evening and me having a walk home afterwards as no car! the joys of mechanical breakdowns. All well at the moment!
So i think we are off to the coast tomorrow if its not too cold and some retail therapy. So to bed i think, after all tomorrow is another day.............
I very often question what i do with my time and how i mean to do things and puff its weeks past.
Its not as if i have been doing anything exciting, days of work roll into the weekend where i do my training walk and its back to the grindstone.
Work has been interesting with a huge project underway now a massive refurbishment. Statistical manoeuvring is not my strong point and i am faced with daily challenges by the time i arrive home its past 7 and tired! I try to leave early n Tuesdays and Thursdays to run and have managed it with a push. Resulting in Tim and i spending less time together. At least i am on least this week, weeell i had to go in for a few hours this afternoon!!!
The days are getting longer and I'm now leaving work in the daylight, always a positive feeling. The weather has been changeable to say the least and yet again faced this weekend with snow.
We have got our charity web page up and started and now trying to sort out a mini bus to get us down to Guildford and its only 7 weeks away. How odd, we should be looking forward to warmer days and yet it feels as if we are still in the middle of winter.
Mikeys friends wedding is only 6 weeks away and I'm looking forward to the day, must book a hotel! job for tomorrow.
Its coming up to a year since the Olympic run and have a celebration run on Thursday. Luckily we can enter and run with friends as getting together would be really hard as we are dotted about all over the country and abroad! Need to wear race t shirt, blast it has short sleeves! and get a photo. The running has been good lately and i do think the walking is helping although Tuesday run is always hard, still suffering from Sunday. We are up to 25 miles now and my knee is starting to groan! so i think i will walk every other weekend. I'm confident i will manage the 40.
Shopping today and bought a new waist bag and rucksack. Sundays walk found me with sore tops of arms, so bag may not be right for me, now is the time to try new things, oh and some new headys! they are a godsend in this cold weather. 5 layers of clothing makes it tough to waddle let alone walk and trying to use the facilities!!! is a nightmare, As i said i enjoy a challenge. The company is good and we are never short on conversation! Getting out of the bath after a long soak is proving to be a tad difficult! and then falling asleep mid conversation with husband doesn't always bode well!
I'm rambling tonight and no order to my thoughts just writing what i remember, that's saying something as the old grey matter appears to be fading! such is age!
Sue one of our walkers is on her 5th or 6th pair of shoes, just trying to get some that suit her, lets hope Sundays pair are OK, still we did have to stop twice and apply plasters! not an easy task in snow and wind, freezing conditions and no fence to lean on when you want one!
I felt as if Misery had hold of me a month ago and her grip has been relentless, now i feel she is perched on my shoulder constantly whispering in my ear. The sadness is overwhelming at times and yet passes like smoke on the wind only to meander its way back a few minutes later. I think in some way i almost have comfort knowing shes there, if she goes away does that mean i am forgetting and i don't want that to happen so perhaps I'm even wishing to be miserable or sad. Mikey would be mortified and would hate that i am wasting so much time on self indulgence and would tell me to get a life!! but its just so hard.
I have a place in the Great Eastern Half Marathon in October and was reminded quite strongly that i need to get my passport sorted out so another job for this week, still i have been saying that for almost 3 years. 3 years in August i cannot believe it, time is the most curious of things.
Duke went to doggy day care today! we are trying to get him used to leaving us, and then we can go away for a break, when I'm not sure i suppose i should start looking.
Gosh its so cold sitting here tonight a can feel the draught cutting across my feet, well i should wear my slippers, ha a sure sign of age creeping up.
Dads birthday is coming up so i will go to Eastwood This weekend and take some flowers and give them a spruce up ready for the warmer days!
New trainers arrived from USA and i have now become an e bay user, that's another thing different i have been successful in my bids lol. Mikey would have been amazed that i was doing this, still would wonder if i have done it right!.
The steering on my car went last week, no the week before as i drove to work! and took a week to repair! Tom had also had his car off the road so we were all sharing one car for a while, me staying up till Tom finished, taking him home so i had the car in the morning, tom taking me running so he had it in the evening and me having a walk home afterwards as no car! the joys of mechanical breakdowns. All well at the moment!
So i think we are off to the coast tomorrow if its not too cold and some retail therapy. So to bed i think, after all tomorrow is another day.............
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